starting to have worrying feelings of intense dislike for my 7 year old neice

[Atticus90]

Some odd and rather un-enlightened replies to this thread. I thought we were supposed to be trying to help this person?

That's how it started until she got defensive and couldn't accept what I said.

[cheekychic]

You called me little. i proved you wrong. I'm taller and every way superior to you.

 

no you are not superior at all.... go back to fantasy land love

[Mythical_Suicide]

and when did i once say i wanted to get back at my neice or that im jealous.... im annoyed becuase my sister is letting her stop us from seeing each other so much. how is that jealousy??? i would never let my daughter stop me from seeing family even if she thought someones hosue wasnt up to scratch. thats like saying ... "yes daughter yuo can dictate where we go and what we do even if i have to lose out on seeing family becuase of it"

 

 

And once again I will say Maybe it just isn't your niece causing your sister not to visit you.. Have you ever thought maybe you have an attitude problem and you put off vibes that maybe your sister nor your niece want to be around?

[cheekychic]

my neice has been liek this long before i started to get annoyed with her... so maybe ask before you assume

[Atticus90]

and when did i once say i wanted to get back at my neice or that im jealous.... im annoyed becuase my sister is letting her stop us from seeing each other so much. how is that jealousy??? i would never let my daughter stop me from seeing family even if she thought someones hosue wasnt up to scratch. thats like saying ... "yes daughter yuo can dictate where we go and what we do even if i have to lose out on seeing family becuase of it"

 

Well, lets try this again.

You sorta talked more about the neice rather than your sister in this thread.

You could probably convince your sister to bring the neice over more often, but how would that change how she feels about you? You have to tackle this problem to the source. Maybe talk to your neice?

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you have a right to be annoyed with your niece; though I agree disliking a kid isn't the best thing, I can understand why you might feel the way you do. As some other posters have said, you have some fundamental incompatibilities with your sister, i.e. the neatness thing -- and your sister has passed her values and behaviors on to your niece. Since you and your sister are adults, you are more capable of looking past these things and still getting along to a reasonable degree. Your niece, though, is a child -- a not-yet-fully-developed person, and at her age she isn't capable of a lot of in-depth reasoning nor of understanding that people are imperfect, and that no one is "exactly like us" and that it's OK -- we can love them and appreciate them anyway.

 

I am concerned that your niece is a bit obsessed with neatness, particularly at her age. As another poster pointed out, when I was young, our house wasn't a pigsty, but it wasn't nearly perfect, and we played outside -- in the mud, dirt, grass, etc., among the bugs, bacteria, dog/cat poop, etc. every day, and we all survived! Rigid attention to absolute cleanliness and perfect order in a 6-year old is, in my opinion, a bit unsettling. Does this child act like a kid in other ways? Or, does she act too "old" for her age in other areas as well?

 

I ask because I was one of those kids who seemed older than her age; I had a big vocabulary and read big, fat books even as a small child; however, I also went outside and played in the dirt and made messes, like most kids do.

 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this, other than to reassure you that your feelings are valid. Your niece sounds pretty uptight for such a young girl. I'd be worried that if this uptight-ness extends to other areas of her life, that she's in for a world of misery as an extremely uptight, obsessive adult.

 

Maybe try talking to your sister, gently, calmly, about your concerns. Tell her that you love having her and her daughter over, but that you are concerned that your house does not seem to be up to her daughter's standards, and that you are at a loss as to what to do, short of hosing down and disinfecting every surface in your house, which you certainly should NOT feel you have to do.

 

I wish you luck with this. Keep us posted on what happens.

[tmp0620]

That's how it started until she got defensive and couldn't accept what I said.

 

That's because you were fanning flames. What did you expect her to say?

 

"Oh thanks, you're right I'm jealous of my niece. Problem solved"?

 

You weren't helping. Leave it be.

[Mythical_Suicide]

One serious question, growing up did you and your sister have issues??

 

There's is something more to the story than meets the eye i'm thinking.. I don't see why you would be getting so testy over your niece just not liking your house being "messy"

[browneyedgirl36]

Eek -- I just refreshed my browser and read all of these replies.

 

I stand by my assertion that, while it's not good to dislike a kid, and while the issues are probably mostly between the OP and her sister, from what the OP has written, it sounds like her niece is a bit obsessed with cleanliness, hence my questions about how she is about other stuff and whether she's as uptight about other things. Further info would be helpful.

 

I have a feeling this thread will be closed anyway, now that I've read some of the replies, but I thought I'd throw my thoughts in here anyway...

[JadedStar]

and when did i once say i wanted to get back at my neice or that im jealous.... im annoyed becuase my sister is letting her stop us from seeing each other so much. how is that jealousy??? i would never let my daughter stop me from seeing family even if she thought someones hosue wasnt up to scratch. thats like saying ... "yes daughter yuo can dictate where we go and what we do even if i have to lose out on seeing family becuase of it"

 

I don't mean this to be harsh in anyway shape or form cheeky, I say this to possibly help....

 

Perhaps the daughter is an excuse. I think that there might be attitude clashes between you and your sister, as well as very different views on cleanliness. Do you think that your family might have other issues with you and the little girl is being made the scapegoat here?

 

And you just recently wrote a thread about having no motivation to do housework. MOst of us get that way so I am not slamming you but again really think about what is going on here and see if there is a grain of truth to what the little girl said about your place. Letting housework go for even only a few days iwth little ones can result in a mess pretty quickly. There is a huge difference in a house that is disorderly and one that is dirty.

 

And I don't want to just add from another thread but there is usually many factors that influence things like this - your threads about this guy you were with - I know that some of us have read the story and shook our heads. We can't figure out why you stay with him when he so clearly mistreats you. maybe he has something to do with your sister not visiting as much either? I have been in this position where a loved one was in a relationship that was so clearly abusive to everyone else and she couldn't see it and stayed, and it made me avoid her sometimes because of sheer aggravation.

 

It is very farfetched that a seven year old not wanting to dry her hands on your towel is the reason your sister's visits have stopped. I'd be willing to tthere is a lot of other things at play here as well.

[cheekychic]

its not jsut that my neice doesnt like my house.... its the fact i am seeing my sister less becuase of it, if she jsut didnt like my house then it wouldnt bother me but its the fact she can just decide she doesnt want to come over and then thats it...the contact with my sister is alot less coz of it.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Have you talked to your sister about it?

 

Think about this, it may not even infact be fully your niece feeling this way. Your sister may feel the same and just with her daughter feeling uncomfortable it just makes her not want to be there even more. I don't mean any offense at all, but I am the same way.. If i'm uncomfortable somewhere for whatever reason it may be whether it be the place is messy or just the people are bad, it doesn't matter I will suck it up and go anyway but once my child starts feeling the same way it's a no go and I avoid those places.

[colors]

I'd have to agree with addoir & browneyedgirl - good words. ...

 

I do think the niece is a obessed & over the top. And though i don't think it's right to dislike a child since she is only what she was raised to be, I understand why it's reached think. I think it's good that you're looking for advice on how to handle this. I'm also curious how she is about other stuff and whether she's as uptight about other things.

I'd try sister like browneyes suggested if that brings no solution than I guess addoirs way is the next way to go. I wish you the best...keep us posted

[cheekychic]

my house is a bit messy at times.... but its no way filthy if yuo get my meaning.. yes there are clothes abotu the place and things arent always in place but im nbot the sort of person to leave take away cartons everywhere or leave spillages to fester etc so i cant understand why my neice has got this sensitive nose so much... every time a friend comes in i ask them2 tell me the truth if it smells and they always say no... so i dont know why my neice goes on as if its rotten in here

[Atticus90]

my house is a bit messy at times.... but its no way filthy if yuo get my meaning.. yes there are clothes abotu the place and things arent always in place but im nbot the sort of person to leave take away cartons everywhere or leave spillages to fester etc

 

 

Maybe you could see your sister while your neice is at school or something?

Why dont you just clean it "extra" good for when they come over and when they leave, you can do whatever.

 

You live in that house. It'll be more hard for you to notice a smell, because you'll be more immune to it.

Your neice might actually smell something. I don't think a 7 year old girl would lie about something like that.

[jettison]

I'm sorry that you feel this way added noir... but I love you anyway. The only thing I'd suggest is to quit the decaf and go back to normal blend.

[cheekychic]

as i said... in the summer when it rains my living room gets a bit damp n starts to smell a bit musty where its warm aswell... at this stage i havent got the cassh to sort out the problem but i think thats what my neice was complaing about becuase its not smells of filth she can smell as i would not live in that myself or subject my child to that

[Mythical_Suicide]

Maybe you should try getting an air purifier in there , that will help with the smell.

[Atticus90]

All you can do is get better cleaning habbits and keep everything more tidy. You wrote another post saying you don't have good cleaning habbits. Maybe this can be that proper motivation for you?

[bulletproof]

First of all, she's seven. Just try to keep that in mind.

 

Secondly, I vividly remember having a best friend who lived around the corner who's home kind of grossed me out. It wasn't filthy; there were just certain things that, for whatever reason, offended my senses. The smell, the clutter, things like that can be really disturbing to a kid because kids lack the logic skills of an adult. They can't rationalize that a dirty couch is nothing to be disturbed by, generally. And I played in dirt, all of that stuff. Sometimes one thing has nothing to do with the other.

 

I think the issue is with your sister, not your niece. I don't know if I agree that she should force her child to go to your house. There are other options, though. Do all of your outings have to include the kids? Do they all have to take place in one another's homes? Could you meet halfway for a bite to eat? Or at your mother's or another sibling's home? This shouldn't have to be all or nothing. There are compromises. I would also not worry too much about whether she becomes a 'snob'. She's got a long life ahead of her that will determine who she becomes.

[colors]

Maybe you should try getting an air purifier in there , that will help with the smell.

 

yeah that will help, forsure.

[Mavis VDSande]

I think by over thinking and analysing all of this your feelings have gone out of hand and you've become slightly obssessed about your niece, rather than your wellbeing & developing the rels you have with your sister. But trust me - I would feel exactly the same if I had a niece like yours!!

 

The main thing is - does your sister feel uncomfortable in your house? Is your niece just honestly expressing what she's picking up off her mum? Best way to find out I suppose would be to meet up with your sister outside of the home areas, sans kids and ask her. Also ask her if she misses catching up with you. She will tell you exactly what she and your niece thinks. Then there'll be no second guessing.

 

Also if they do come and visit remember they are the guests, even if it means setting up a "clean space" (e.g. small sink, special towel for niece) for them to use. My older sister is Mrs Clean Freak and when she comes over with her family my mum and I go house crazy, scrubbing, replacing and mopping everything.

 

Even though you don't feel comfortable around your niece I'm sure she feels just as uncomfortable, kids find it hard to hide their feelings, and they also struggle to display how they feel - so don't expect her to be confident about her behaviour, or why she is acting the way she is. Also kids love to protect their parent's real feelings, even if they seem tactless about it.

 

I would nip this issue in the bud with your sister (with care!) just to ensure that your sister doesn't have an issue with your house (but is too scared/nice to say it).

[cheekychic]

well i guess i should talk to my sister.. i have let her know that i now know why she hasnt been round to see us in months. but not much more has been said on the subject... i will prob email her rather then talk so i can rememebr to say everything

[JadedStar]

Also if they do come and visit remember they are the guests, even if it means setting up a "clean space" (e.g. small sink, special towel for niece) for them to use

 

VERY good point Mavis. All too often we don't treat family members like guests when they come over and figure if the place is a bit messy they won't mind since they are related to us. I guess i am old fashioned but I do treat family like any other guest when i know they are coming. When my father comes to stay he couldn't care less if the house was neat. He really couldn't. But just the same when he comes to visit i make sure the guest bed has fresh linens, and that it is very tidy in there and that the guest bathroom is very clean - everything is scrubbed down and towels fresh from the dryer are hung. I don't want ANY guest to have to use a dirty bathroom of mine.

 

Since you know the sister is like this it should perhaps behoove you to make an even extra effort for her when she and her daughter come to visit. I do that with all guests but i know not everyone is like that. but with guests who ARE like this it makes sense to go that extra mile to make them comfortable.

[lilypadgirl]

Actually, I would just jot down everything you want to say and then call her to meet for coffee or something and talk in person. That's the best way to avoid any misunderstandings. Otherwise an email can feel overwhelming if you say everything and you definitely don't want her to get defensive.