i want to kill myself - but i'm pretty happy

[m.d.]

my life is not perfect - i don't have friends, i have mediocre grades, i came into conflict with like 90% of people around me (especially in school), i can't find any after-school activities that would interest me, i regularly argue with my mom

however I think that those would be idiotic explanations for commiting suicide. I could cope with all that, if I only wanted to. Like Nietschze said I even planned that in new year, 2008. The case is I'm not really looking forward to solving these problems anymore, I have no motivations to do so.

 

I see completely no sense in life, but I am a high-flyer, I have a lot of dreams. I talked about it with my mom, she said that fulfilling my dreams should be a sense of my life. I disagree. If I'd achieve all the goals I want to, yep, i would satisfy that state of things for a while, but it wouldn't change the fact that life has absolutely no purpose.

 

I don't even know why I'm writing this on the forum, because I don't consider my thoughts about commiting suicide in the next couple of days dangerous or in any way innormal (I just came to conclusion that life really has no sense), so I'm not really looking for help. Maybe it'll turn out that I need help, maybe I'm just curious what you can suggest me... I didn't find similar posts here - people here often write that they feel ugly or so and me... people consider me very attractive and interesting girl

 

And I don't believe in any god, so you can pass up on this aspect

[melrich]

I see completely no sense in life,

 

Why does there have to be sense in life?

[m.d.]

And how can I live without the sense? If there is no sense and life is about just keeping going, I also see no sense in struggling with daily problems. I need a motivation for that.

[melrich]

If there is no sense and life is about just keeping going, I also see no sense in struggling with daily problems. I need a motivation for that.

 

Ah so you see making sense as providing motivation? Out of interest, if you could choose anything, what sense would you like life to make? What would you like it to mean?

[Zona76]

There is a difference in not wanting to live and not being happy with your life.

Do you know the difference?

You right now do not want to change!

You consider the option to make things better and this is good. Yet you fear the reproach when faced head on.

I want to have you consider talking with your school counselor. You don't need to go through your Mom. YOU need to take action.

Talk with your counselor and describe your fears and desire to want to be in control... with at the same time not knowing how.

Please do me and all who care about you a BIG favor and talk to someone trained.

You need to take this step. You're NOT alone.

[Snoopy24]

Maybe life doesn't have any sense per se. You have ups and you have downs. But I believe those "ups" are worth living for. I don't believe in god either, and I have thought about suicide in the past.

 

But what I realized is, most likely this is my only life I will ever have. Why would I end my life before it should be over?

 

Sure when it's over, everything will be gone. But I can go smiling knowing I lead the best life I could for myself.

[rocio]

I don't know how old you are, but I think it's normal for people to go through a period (normally around 17 or 18 years old) when they start to wonder about the purpose of life. When you're a kid/teenager, you just do things because they're expected of you. You don't really question why you do them. Then, suddenly, you're supposed to know where you belong and what your purpose is. You're supposed have a plan for your adult life, but how can you have a plan when you don't know any purpose?

 

I went through a phase when I was about 19 when I concluded that there was no purpose to anything and my life was simply a video game. I was running around, hitting my head against bricks, and racking up valueless gold coins. It was actually quite humorous for me. Meaningless, but it made me smile.

 

Then I travelled to Brazil for a few weeks and met a bunch of young people there who discussed the same thing. What the hell was it all about? We can set goals, but once we've achieved them, what have we really achieved? Nothing, because there was no sense to it all to begin with...

 

Realising that most young people go through a similar thought process really changed my outlook on life. I no longer had to bear the burden on my own. We're all lost. And that's ok.

[jettison]

Ok, I'm interested in this post. Why, "in the next few days?" And as you've figured out that, in a sense, life has no purpose, why is that a catalyst? If you could take it or leave it, then why leave it?

 

If you leave it, then you don't get to watch your mind grow and change, and grow and change it will if it's not 6 feet under, burried in dirt, and being eaten by maggots.

 

It doesn't sound like despair or anxiety are what's dragging you down this path so it's infinitely bareable. If I knew that I was going to die, that my life meant nothing, then it would be an awfully freeing feeling. It's interesting that you've seeked out a forum such as this, and yet you cannot figure out why you've bothered to post. This thought alone would weigh on me. Why did I do it?

 

Since you have nothing to lose, you should become a porn star. Walk down a crowded street naked. Rent a Ferrari and drive to Vegas as fast as possible. Ask out the most beautiful person you see each day for two weeks. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Go to a boxing gym, train, and then sign up for a fight. Fly to Spain and participate in the running of the bulls. Climb Mt.Everest. Isolate yourself in meditation for one month.

 

Since you know that you're going to die so soon, you have no ramifications. You can let it all fly.

 

"I see the ghost of a better world living in your disbelief in ghosts."

-Schwarzenbach

[m.d.]

Ah so you see making sense as providing motivation?

Yes, it's the same for me...

 

We can set goals, but once we've achieved them, what have we really achieved? Nothing, because there was no sense to it all to begin with...

That's what I think now and that's taking my motivations away.

Referring to the rest of your reply - why does the situation is supposed to change in adult life? I can be an adult and still have no sense of life.

 

You have ups and you have downs. But I believe those "ups" are worth living for.

That's what currently discourage me from suicide and that's why I'm confused... When I think of all those ups waiting for me in the future... it really makes me sad, because I'd kinda like to experience it.

 

Why, "in the next few days?"

I'm just really determined to do it. I never thought of it so serious.

 

If you leave it, then you don't get to watch your mind grow and change, and grow and change it will if it's not 6 feet under, burried in dirt, and being eaten by maggots.

I have to wait, so MAYBE I will finally see purpose?

[jettison]

No, that's not it. You don't need to see a purpose. There need not be purpose. Why do you require it? Is there some voice in your head saying "have a purpose!"?

 

As you get older, you may start to figure it out a bit. This is one of my favorite songs of all time. It's by a Canadian band called NoMeansNo, a bass/drums duo normally, but they added a third later.

 

Forget Your Life lyrics

 

================

Now if

You

Feel

Like nothing

Nothing and nobody

And if

You

See

Nothing

Nothing and nobody

Forget your life

It's nothing

Now if

You

Cringe and shrink inside

But say nothing

Nothing to nobody

And if

You

Cry

But say nothing

Nothing to nobody

Forget your life

It's nothing

You're hiding

Why are you hiding

That's nothing

You're scared

What are you scared of

That's nothing

Forget your life

It's nothing

Forget it

 

-------------------------

If you read the lyrics to this song enough, and listen to this very simple song enough times then it no longer becomes boring or depressing. In fact, it's an incredibly uplifting song. It's telling you that there is nothing to fear. Nothing that has to be accomplished. Nothing to prove. No one to impress. No place you have to be. Once you release the ego chains, and realize that you are not suppose to be anyone you are not or any place where you aren't, then a strange thing happens. You start to become more fluid. You feel free. You would no longer think about death because death also means nothing. Reading the paper just bores you? There's no point? There's no point in killing yourself either.Many mystics claim that we go through a very dark, uprooted time when we begin to lose our ego. That's when we feel the most lost, lose all of our purpose, and thought about suicide, no matter the reasons, are pretty common. But evenutally, if you just hang in there, then life just happens to you. You will reach a new phase. Things will just start to click for you after you've really given up hope. Perhaps, you're just going through your "dark night". It's actually an enviable place to be.

[jettison]

Courage

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many. There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves. The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

 

- Osho

[rocio]

 

That's what I think now and that's taking my motivations away.

Referring to the rest of your reply - why does the situation is supposed to change in adult life? I can be an adult and still have no sense of life.

 

 

Did I say in my post that it's supposed to change in adult life? Because it doesn't. If anyone knew what the point of all this was, they would share that enlightenment with the rest of us and no one would ever have to wonder again.

 

Nobody's figured it out yet, so they come up with bizarre stories, like "the point of your life is to serve God and make him happy". Which is pretty sick, if you really think about it. God created all of us just so we could get up every day and entertain him? I think that's really sick and twisted.

[tiredofvampires]

Ah, one of my favorite topics. You are right on schedule to be asking such things, as another poster said the transition from youth to adulthood often (as in my case) involves asking the question, "Why continue?" However, you are precocious in the sense that many, many people (especially who self-describe as "pretty happy") will not encounter this question until mid-life, or if something drastic and often tragic occurs to upturn their world.

 

Your thread really caught my eye for its contradiction. And though I might be inclined to suggest the usual -- therapy, maybe anti-depressants, and the like which are recognized first-line approaches for suicidal ideation, you do not seem depressed and the second part of your title suggests that this would not be exactly the right recommendation for you, even though it is of some concern that you are wanting to end it.

 

I think the right prescription for you right now is a course of study. I am absolutely serious. Because the question you are asking has driven entire branches of debate and philosophy, and created whole schools of thought since the days of antiquity. The most famous ones being Existentialism, Nihilism and Absurdism, which developed in the 19th and 20th centuries. These philsophers committed themselves to an academic pursuit of the question, but in life, they were also driven as you are, emotionally and spiritually, to try to find some answers to what appears to be a real human dilemma.

 

The dilemma being this: we are given a life, but what for? First, does it have meaning? If we die anyway, what could that possibly be? And if there is none because we die anyway, why not die right now? Logically, if you followed this line of reasoning, it would seem quite right not to bother with it at all and end it. But these schools of thought developed explanations of why this might be the wrong conclusion, even if no meaning were found. And most of these philosophers did not kill themselves, but lived what were considered valuable lives.

 

So I think what these thinkers had to contribute to our personally facing of the dilemma would be something for you to do with your life right now. They had a lot of things to say about this. You can start by wikipedia'ing, googling and going to the library to study what the luminaries in these schools thought. Each of them addressed the option of suicide.

 

One of my personal favorites (the man and his beliefs) is a French philsopher (and Nobel Laureate, in Literature) named Albert Camus, who was an Absurdist. Nihilists were a bunch of guys who believed that there is no such thing as "meaning" or "value" to life, whereas Absurdists claimed that there is -- however, it cannot be comprehended by humans and thereforeeee, there's no point in trying. Human beings, according to Camus, have to come to terms with the fact that we have a need to find meaning, value and significance when in fact, the universe out there seems pretty impersonal, senseless and uncaring. And basically, that given this confrontation, we have choices about how to view that: we can commit suicide, or we can accept that there is this contradiction and embrace it. That as human beings, we revolt against the apparent lack of meaning, and that gives us meaning.

 

"For Camus, suicide is a 'confession' that life is simply not worth living. It is a choice that implicitly declares that 'life is too much'. Suicide offers the most basic 'way out' of absurdity, the immediate termination of the self and the self's place in the universe." In other words, Camus was saying that despite how absurd it all is, death is a cheap shot that solves nothing, when in fact continuing to exist despite the absurdity actually is meaningful. He basically was saying that our freedom (emotionally and spiritually), and our opportunity to give life its meaning after that, comes when we acknowledge and accept the contradiction that things don't make sense but that we are here anyway.

 

One of my favorite Greek myths which also relates to this is the one of this guy Sisyphus, who was damned by the gods to the hellish duty to keep rolling a boulder up a mountain for eternity, only to have it roll back down on him. (I personally love this image and story because I think it symbolizes so much of life, at least how I've felt it!) That was his job, to just keep rolling that damn thing up again and again, with it's weight always pushing him down. Well, Camus wrote a famous book about this, called The Myth of Sisyphus. And this piece of work expresses his belief that man can choose to embrace this situation.

 

In this book he says, "Thus I draw from the absurd 3 consequences, which are my revolt, my freedom and my passion. By the mere activity of consciousness I transform into a rule of life what was an invitation to death, and I refuse suicide." Revolt, freedom and passion -- to me, in a nutshell, that means I am free to make of life what I please.

 

Camus felt that there is only one basic question in philsophy that matters to human beings: does the realization of life's nonsensicalness require suicide? His answer was clearly no, after examining the question.

 

At the conclusion of the Myth of Sisyphus, he says, "The struggle of life is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy."

 

Pretty powerful stuff, huh? I think he was really on to something. Something which I have found in my own life to be true! I can tell you personally why I still stick around: the "struggle of life" makes me curious; my "passion" makes me greedy for the experiences, whatever they are; and my own personal "meaning" can be found in helping others to be happier and suffer less. So, that can be enough. And it is really a lot.

 

Once you accept the givens of it being absurd, you are free to create any truths you want, and your own subjective, relative sense of "meaning". Another book really worthy in this line of thinking is Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning", the tales of how people survived concentration camps (where he was a prisoner) solely by creating their own personal, private sense of meaning and something to live for. In the grand sheme, it might be absurd still, but if we are all Sisyphus, it could still make us happy.

 

You see, how have a lot to do before you die. Start reading.

[rocio]

^ TOV wrote a great post there.

 

Just wanted to also add to it. What I find helps me is to study about the science and astronomy. When I learn about the universe it makes me realise how small and meaningless my life is. It's a bit of a relief. My life is just a few decades snuggled in the middle of billions of years that all add up to infinity. My home takes up such a small piece of earth, which takes up such a small piece of the universe. Who ever said my little life should have meaning? And yet, just the fact that I've existed at all is quite meaningful in itself, isn't it?

[tiredofvampires]

Oh, absolutely, amberella!

 

Even just going outside and looking up at the sky at night. There is no greater sense of peace, tranquility and joy I get than this scene. Again, it's the contradiction of the immensity and insignificance up against the very great significance of my beating heart, co-existing. I was put here for such a cosmic blink, but it happened, so here I am, for now.

[elbandido]

Well, your first problem is that you don't believe in God. If you did you would now that no matter how you feel about yourself, there is someone somewhere that feels love for you and wants you to be happy and enjoy this life you've been lucky enough to be given. How many children have been born and died right away, don't you think their parents wish they had the wonderful gift of life? Secondly, believe me, from first hand experience, it hurts the people around you forever. I had a friend who committed suicide and my friends and I always think of him. We still love him, but we are hurt. We miss him and wish we could have done more to help him. Look, the truth is the world will go on without you, but you will be cheating yourself out of what great things the world has in store for you. You could be the next Bill Gates, or the Next Martin Luther King, or whoever you want to be, but don't take the easy way out and waste this gift you have been given. Life does have a purpose, the purpose is to be as great to yourself and others as you can be. Look at all those people that are sick and dying, don't you think they would jump at the chance to trade places with you? Why? Because they want to live, because they want what you are so quick to end. Stop being selfish and start loving. Start a relationship with God and ask for forgiveness and then begin to break down the walls of self hate that you've built.

[jettison]

Your heart is in the right place, but if you believe in God, and you're trying to get a non-believer to hear your "message" then the very quickest way to turn them off and make sure that they don't pay attention to a single word that you're saying is to tell them "your first problem is that you don't believe in God". I wish that more people that believed in God understood this concept, and also believed in finesse just as much as the believe in their all mighty.

 

You've offered some very wise words here (although it's pretty tough, I admit, to get behind the wanting to be Bill Gates quip), but your message is likely to be missed. If you're going to spend all this time giving someone some part of you that's beautiful, wouldn't you want them to actually take in the message? Otherwise, you're just a tree falling in the forest.

 

This is a seemingly very intelligent poster talking about suicide. She's not going to say to herself, "Oh shoot. God. That's right. Totally forgot about that God guy. My bad." It's condescending to even bring it up because there is no one that doesn't contemplate God.

 

I, for one, do not think that there was an overriding message of self hate from the OP. I think that there is a general message of uprootedness and lack of direction and fulfillment. This may or may not be solved by religion.

[Island8]

Because then wouldn't death be senseless?

[Capricorn3]

Thread seven years old. Closed.