Arguing over a TEXT MESSAGE (or lack of?)

[Seymore]

And you know, she acts that way. But other than her emotional side, she's far from immature. Financially responsible - keeps EVERY receipt of hers filed away in order and keeps track of every penny spent. Academically responsible - straight A's all around, stays up multiple nights at a time studying for tests. You get the idea. And she's no dummy - hell, she's got me, after all!

 

But in all seriousness, that's the only place I find fault in her - her emotional stability at times.

[JeckyllNHyde]

But in all seriousness, that's the only place I find fault in her - her emotional stability at times.

 

Great job at being assertive!

I'm glad you realised that she needs to be told when she is wrong. Maybe she just doesn't see it b/c you don't do stuff like this to her, so she needs to put herself in your shoes/gain perspective.

 

Talk to her about her emotional instability and explain to her that if she doesn't work on this, it will drive you away or put a huge damper on the relationship for no reason over time.

[Olive.Juice]

And you know, she acts that way. But other than her emotional side, she's far from immature. Financially responsible - keeps EVERY receipt of hers filed away in order and keeps track of every penny spent. Academically responsible - straight A's all around, stays up multiple nights at a time studying for tests. You get the idea. And she's no dummy - hell, she's got me, after all!

 

But in all seriousness, that's the only place I find fault in her - her emotional stability at times.

 

Again, that is her age showing through. Even though she is capable of being responsible, she is only 22. She has only existed for 22 years on this planet. And, if she has not had a lot of things go horribly wrong in her life, and if she is used to getting her way from her childhood which was not too long ago, it carried over into this new found adulthood. She will mellow and relax as time passes and she sees that acting like that will get her no where.

[m12988]

I must say, i disagree with the majority of the people who have responded with a sharp "you should break up with her". Really, if breaking up with people was that easy, then why are these people going to these relationship boards asking for advice?

 

Everyone has their quirks. You have some she may not like (as you've stated, lol) and she has some you dont like, which is perfectly normal. I think her behavior is a little snappy, she needs to mellow out more. From what you've said about her, she does indeed seem like a good person, I think you've made a good choice in choosing her. In my opinion, these are just quirks that with time and working on your relationship, they will get better. She needs to willingly and maturely sit with you while you both talk out problems. No yelling, no name calling, no physical stuff (throwing things, slamming things). Just talk between yourselves, no interruptions.

 

When you two talk, refrain from using YOU ALWAYS messages. I have used this psychology with several people i may have had an argument with, and it keeps people from being too defensive. Use ''I''messages instead. So for example, instead of saying "You always respond to my texts late and i hate it!", say "I feel like you are ignoring me when you don't respond to my texts late. Is there a reason you respond to my texts late sometimes?" This second sentence doesn't sound like an accusation like the first sentence, which is good, nobody likes to be accused.

 

I dont think there is a reason to end this relationship, if you love each other and are happy with each other, you can work out the quirks. Even if you break up with this woman, you will find very similar if not worse problems in other relationships.

 

Instead of ignoring each other, I think maybe a small break would be ok, but dont ignore each other. This just makes the fight worse and you both get miserable. Take a 10-min or an hour break from talking, and then readdress your problem in a CALM manner. I think you both as a couple, just need to work on your arguing techniques.

[m12988]

The other weekend she tells me her cousin called. I say "And?" And she takes it like I'm annoyed by her. .

 

Maybe its the way you said it? I wasn't there so i can't judge, but sometimes my fiance has said things that rubbed me the wrong way, but I took it the wrong way because he said it the wrong way. If you said "and?" in a tone such as "i am interested, what did she have to say?", then I dont know what the problem would be with that. But, if you said "and?" in the tone such as "and? what do i care?", then thats the problem. I guess sometimes we make a mistake and say things in a manner that may seem OK to us, but it may just rub someone the wrong way. It happens. We are human

[Shiranai]

She reminds me of myself sometimes.

 

A part of me is really insecure. I always felt I'll never be loved or cared for, and that made my boyfriend infinitely more valuable to me. It scares the heck out of me when I feel like he doesn't care about me, and a lot of times I realize afterwards that it's really just in my mind.

 

Whenever I feel he doesn't care about me, I flip out. Once he let go of my hand when he was really upset at me (for pointing out inconsistencies in what he said...totally not my fault), but that small action alone scared me so much I had an asthma attack and went into shock.

 

My boyfriend understood my insecurity from really early on so he's always really patient with me when I suddenly become depressed or suicidal. He usually focuses on letting me know he cares about me, and that usually calms me down.

 

Does she have an insecurity of some sort? Maybe she's acting unreasonable because she's scared.

 

If that is the case, it might not be necessary for you to break up with her. Maybe you can find a way to help her understand you love her and care about her, and you're not leaving.

[Seymore]

No, no...I'm not breaking up with her. Shoot, I'm setting up balloons and a banner that says "WELCOME HOME" at my place and I made dinner reservations for tonight when I pick her up from the airport. After talking with her last night I'm excited to see her again. I just have to be more assertive with her and we have to learn to argue better, and stop arguing over such petty things.

 

And I doubt she'll ever admit it, but I believe she has some big insecurities. Her childhood was very traumatic, and I'm sure a lot of it stems from that.

[JadedStar]

I just have to be more assertive with her and we have to learn to argue better, and stop arguing over such petty things.

 

 

Yes, this is all you need to do. And you will probably have the be the one to guide these arguments back on track. Just do not fall into the trap of letting her play those pouty games. The way you handled this last one was very good....

 

And what a wonderful b/f you are....balloons and welcome home sign! I hope she appreciates you! (and feels really bad for her pouty antics)

[ghost69]

so a few minutes after my last post my friend calls. During that time my gf texts me saying "so youre ignoring me now?"

I replied "what is your problem? I was on the phone". She replies "nothing. Have a good weekend."

 

I didn't respond. I'm not playing this game. My last gf did the guilt trip thing and it didn't end pretty. I think I'm going to let her call me when she sanes up. After this crap, I'm not looking forward to picking her up from the airport Monday.

 

she was trying to ruin your weekend right there. the old 'get the last word in' so that you will think about it.

 

i'm not judging her at all, but her being 22 might be the problem. girls at this age can be controlling and jealous and very immature.

[Rabican]

Id tell her the next time she wanted to level that attitude with you that you WOULD start ignoring her texts. Sheesh, I fail to reply to texts all the time for various reasons. If that starts creating fights then I know our relationship is fubar

[m12988]

 

i'm not judging her at all, but her being 22 might be the problem. girls at this age can be controlling and jealous and very immature.

 

I disagree. I think there are very few 22 year old women who are jealous, controlling, and immature. There are women of ALL ages who can be like that.

 

I believe her traumatic childhood is playing a huge role into this. She may have never felt secure in relationships with people and may not feel secure with you sometimes, making her behave in these ways. If you really love her, then you both can work this out. You can even see therapists together or just talk about these issues. Like i said, i really dont think breaking up with her is the answer at all. All relationships have some type of issue in them and thankfully for you, this is probably the worst issue and its better than some that's for sure

[PixelPusher]

Not sure I'm adding much, but I think you did the right thing by calmly letting her know you weren't going to stand for it anymore. She might be a bit immature yet and that isn't a BAD thing... unless she never grows up. She also might be a bit of a drama queen and the best thing to do is not react to her drama.

 

I'm also going to use this as an opportunity to get on my "old man" soapbox and say that I just don't understand texting. I text my girlfriend from time to time, but that is ONLY when I can't leave her a voicemail. Its way too easy to misunderstand someone via text messages.

[ghost69]

I disagree. I think there are very few 22 year old women who are jealous, controlling, and immature. There are women of ALL ages who can be like that.

 

I believe her traumatic childhood is playing a huge role into this. She may have never felt secure in relationships with people and may not feel secure with you sometimes, making her behave in these ways. If you really love her, then you both can work this out. You can even see therapists together or just talk about these issues. Like i said, i really dont think breaking up with her is the answer at all. All relationships have some type of issue in them and thankfully for you, this is probably the worst issue and its better than some that's for sure

 

must be a dynamics thing. tons of girls like that here.