Arguing over a TEXT MESSAGE (or lack of?)

[Seymore]

So my girlfriend is in another state visiting family for a week. Today she went to the beach. I texted her at 11am asking if she was having fun and enjoying everything. I hear back from her at 5pm saying "Everything's great! I wish you were here". I figured that was the response, and I knew I'd talk to her later (we talk every night on the phone), so I didn't reply.

 

3 hours later I'm having dinner with my parents and she calls me, asking why I didn't text her back - she texted me 3 hours ago. She was breaking up over the phone, so I said I'd call her back. I went outside and called, no response. I texted asking if she was ok, no response. For over an hour. So I say ok, I'll talk to her later. She calls an hour and a half later, and I ask how her day went. She's giving me one word answers. Then she starts asking again why I didn't respond. I told her I got it, and I figured she was telling me she had a good time, etc., and that I had planned on talking to her later tonight. She responds "So what - you don't respond to my text messages now?", and I mean SNIPPY. And I say "I could say the same thing - I didn't hear from you for 6 hours after I sent mine." Then she tells me she was on the beach and that she told me that. I say "Well, you keep your phone with you at all times". She says "NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN!"

 

So I ask if she's going to have an attitude over a text message. She says "No, I'm just going to hang up. I'll talk to you whenever" and hangs up.

 

What did I do wrong? Now she just texted me "I'm sorry". I'm debating whether or not I should even respond.

[Samedy]

Seems like a typical nothing fight that couples sometimes have...

 

No biggie.

[Seymore]

That's the thing though, all this petty stuff, she gets mad about.

[Samedy]

I've known girls like that... lots of girls like that...

 

I'm not going to tell you to break up with her because I don't know you or the girl.

 

But if your issue is temperament, then that's probably not going to change. Short term change is easy, but if these are characteristics that are at a core to her personality, then you either have to learn to live with them or move on.

 

To put it into context. I am a fairly reserved and quiet person, now I can change if I try, but it's like a flex, as soon as you stop thinking about it you return to your natural personality.

[JadedStar]

This was a ridiculous argument. Seriously. If i were you i would tell her that, pointblank. If you don't engage in the folly it will eventually stop.

[Seymore]

so a few minutes after my last post my friend calls. During that time my gf texts me saying "so youre ignoring me now?"

I replied "what is your problem? I was on the phone". She replies "nothing. Have a good weekend."

 

I didn't respond. I'm not playing this game. My last gf did the guilt trip thing and it didn't end pretty. I think I'm going to let her call me when she sanes up. After this crap, I'm not looking forward to picking her up from the airport Monday.

[Olive.Juice]

How old is she? Just out of curiosity.

[Seymore]

shes 22, im 28.

 

Thing that gets me - she says shes sorry, then 10 minites later gets the attitude again and accuses me of ignoring her. That's not being sorry.

[n707jt]

I've encountered a girl like that before and seriously I couldn't stand the crap she threw at me. A few SMSes could turn into a big fight because she couldn't understand what I was saying (English wasn't her first language).

[loveistough]

It's okay for her to be busy and not be able to answer for 6 hours but it's not okay for you not to respond in 3 hours?? the text she sent there really wasn't anything to respond to anyway. What exactly did she want you to saw in response?? She's acting immature and silly.

[Seymore]

Knowing her, she wanted me to say "I wish I was there too", but she knows that. I've said it 10 times in the last 4 days. And I do miss and love her very much so. But not when she pulls this.

 

I don't know if she WANTS to fight or what, but I'm learning to just back out when it starts. She plays these little games. Like 2 weeks ago she gave me attitude about something so stupid, like how I said something. She reads my looks and the way I say things in a negative way all the time. If I'm thinking about something for a while and I'm in my own little world, she claims I'm having a bad time because I'm moping. If I word a text message in a way that can be misinterpreted, she takes it as the negative. Not asking what I meant when I said it, just takes it as the negative. Almost ALWAYS. And then she gets defensive and boom - we're arguing again. I shouldn't have to explain myself all the time.

 

The other weekend she tells me her cousin called. I say "And?" And she takes it like I'm annoyed by her. Then she gets an attitude and I decide to sleep on the couch instead of next to her. She comes in and says "You know, maybe you'd better just leave if you're going to act like this and sleep out here". I say "Fine" and I get my stuff ready. I'm halfway out the door and she says "Have a nice life" and tries to give me the ring I got her for Christmas back. And I never walk. But it's wearing me out, and more and more I'm learning not to respond when she does this. One day I will walk if this doesn't improve.

 

And when this isn't going on, we're getting along perfect. I enjoy her company, but she has these moments that make me say "Where the heck did this materialize from?" These STUPID, STUPID little things. When she didn't text me back for 6 hours, yeah, I got a little unnerved, but hey, she's having fun and I let it slide. No big deal - I know she's ok because she's with her family. SHE acts on impulse and decides to confront me about it.

 

Yesterday I texted her from a bar I was at with some friends. Two and a half hours later she texts me back saying "I'm sorry I missed your messages. I was helping my aunt." I asked her later over the phone what she was helping her aunt with, and she says "I don't know". And I didn't get upset, I just continued on and talked to her until she fell asleep. Were the roles reversed, you know how it would end up.

[Samedy]

Again, I don't want to push you in any direction as to the future of your relationship with this girl... but it almost sounds like you know what you want to do with this relationship?

[Seymore]

No, you're not pushing me. I want to make it WORK. I have been the last two months. And it's improved in some areas, too. That's why instead of walking out the door I stay and sit her down and we talk. I don't want to leave her. She's got so many good qualities, and I mean qualities I had always wished for in my future wife, and it irks me to no end that she lets these little things hamper our relationship. I wish she'd work harder. I know she's trying. She's seeing a psychologist, among other things. I'm willing to work at it, but it's a two-way street. I would still LOVE to see her when she gets back Monday and spend New Year's Eve with her, but when we're both happy, not ending conversations on notes like we did. I think I have to just let her sleep it off and hopefully when she wakes up tomorrow she'll think a little more clearly.

[FreedomRing]

Boofie75,

 

I'd like to share something with you. Your gf is NOT going to stop this kind of erractic and bratty behavior. She has no reason to stop, because you're accepting the treatment. I know the feeling, because in several ways, I would act JUST LIKE her with my now ex bf...your thread sounds almost verbatim to the petty fights we would have with 99.9% of them being instigated by me and throwing a tantrum over dumb crap.

 

He put up with it for 2.5 yrs, because he was in love with me as well, but in May(and probably before that) he ended things. FOR GOOD. From my own experience, I can say it just sounds as though your gf wants someone to cater to her 24/7, and she sounds a bit bratty and spoiled.

 

You can PM me if you like, but I dont see you putting up with this for too long...

[Kiwi_Sweet]

Hello...I don't think you should be arguing about this...Give her some time, she will eventually come back around..

[Seymore]

Thanks for the comment. But why would you do that to someone who loves you? I don't understand this logic?

[RayKay]

Uh...yeah...that is pretty immature in my opinion.

 

She sounds a bit bratty & passive-aggressive.

 

I don't know what to say, but when people like to pick such petty (and nonsensical arguments) it is often indicative they like drama....and they will create it if they have too...as it satisfies some "need" in them.

 

Personally, this kind of drama is not something I choose in a partner (life brings enough drama as is on its own!) but if you

want to give it a shot...then you need to tell her how big a deal this is and set boundaries...she has to WANT to change though....so you need to decide if this is what you want in a relationship.

 

Healthy relationships should not require you to "teach" the other to be something "else" they aren't in my opinion....healthy relationships are borne from healthy individuals - where there is a healthy acceptance for one another but you are not "emotionally draining" the other, and she may have a lot of maturing to do before she gets there if she does this kind of thing all the time.

[FreedomRing]

Hey Boofie,

 

I can't say WHY...maybe it has something to do with RayKay's idea of the need to create drama...I'm not sure.....but I might even venture out to say that it had something to do with wondering how far my partner would let me get ridiculous..as if that would be some sort of indication as to how much he really loved me. Not like his words weren't enough.....but I wanted to see how far I pushed him, and how much he would allow. Even when I knew it was stupid and immature. It totally had/has something to do with my own insecurities, and truthfully, that is not healthy reassurance, by any means.

 

Like Raykay suggests, it is extremely unhealthy and it will get old fast, and it already seems to be wearing you thin. My bf didn't love me any less when choosing to end it, but his respect for me had diminished to the point where, salvaging the relationship just wasn't possible. Lesson Learned!

[JadedStar]

The root cause is IMO immaturity and yes, the need for drama is definitely thrown in as well....

 

It will only happen as long as you let it. I would not entertain this at all. Flat out IGNORE her when she pulls this crap.

[Seymore]

Thanks, guys/gals. I am learning to ignore it because I'm sick of it. I'm not going to cater to her games, and after her "Have a nice weekend" remark, I will not contact her. If she decides to play it out and not contact me at all, or cop an attitude later today or tomorrow about me not contacting her, I will call her best friend and ask her to pick my girlfriend up from the airport tomorrow.

 

EDIT:

 

Now she's left me a comment on my facebook this morning like nothing happened at all, and a comment on myspace saying she misses me. I have a feeling she's going to see I logged in and, in not responding to her message, will get upset again.

[JadedStar]

That might not be a bad idea boofie.

 

And when she whines and cries and picks another fight FIRMLY w/out yelling - say I am not dealing with this immature b.s. anymore. You either knock it off or hit the road.

[Seymore]

So today I get a text from her saying "I love you" while I was in church. I didn't respond until after mass, and she sends me a message saying "I'm really sorry about last night, I was worried about you and you acted like you didn't care. Then you turned it around on me".

 

I told her, without attitude or yelling, that there's a difference between asking "Are you ok?" and accusing me of ignoring her messages right off the bat. She should have chose the earlier. And I also said that accusing me, then saying sorry, then accusing me again 6 minutes later wasn't anywhere near sorry in my mind. I never apologized (hell, I had nothing TO apologize for), and I refused to even acknowledge her claim that I turned it around on her. She apologized again and said that she understood, and didn't know what else to say but that she's very sorry and hopes I'm still somewhat excited to see her tomorrow.

[JadedStar]

Great job boofie! She was he11 bent on turning it back on you and you made her acknowldge her own actions. GOOD FOR YOU.

[Seymore]

Thanks, Jaded!

 

I think another thing I refused to do that helped was call her "baby" or "honey" - sometimes when we do argue I always refer to her as one of those, and I think she finds my assertiveness hard to take seriously when I use those names.

[Olive.Juice]

I think that she seems really immature and almost childish. I am thinkink the difference in age also has a bit to do with it. You to are at different stages in your lives.

 

Just my $0.02