[Proposed] email to ex

[glimmerofhope]

"This cat-and-mouse game is just not my style. I tried the indirect approach. It didn't work, and like I said, it's just not for me in any case.

 

I also understand there are these post-breakup "rules" we're supposed to follow. One of them says I'm not supposed to contact you. Another says that if I do contact you, I'm not supposed to admit that I miss you.

 

Guess what, pal? As you well know, I've got enough of my own damn rules, and I just don't have room for any more just now. I also think, for me, it's childish nonsense to try to pretend something is other than what it is.

 

So, I'm contacting you to tell you that I miss you. Oops, I broke two rules, all at once. Naughty me.

 

I've thought about things a great deal over the last couple of months, ******. I know there are over six-and-a-half billion people on this planet. Knowing that, some have posited a theory that it's illogical to try too hard to make things work with one person, because obviously there's got to be another one out there with whom things will work more smoothly.

 

I take a different stance. I think if you're lucky enough, among all those billions of people, to find one person you get along with as well we did together, you'd damned well better do everything in your power to show your appreciation for it...because, statistically speaking, the odds of it happening twice in a lifetime aren't encouraging.

 

Mistakes were made on both sides, but I don't believe any of it is irreparable if there's a willingness to work on it. If you don't want to talk to me about it, or aren't ready to do so yet, I'll understand. Just know that I'm not ready to turn my back on what I see as a good thing, a rare one. My life goes on without you, and will continue to do so. But it is a lesser existence, and I will not try to deny it any longer. So hear me now: I love you. I respect you. I miss you. I screwed up; let's be honest, we screwed up. I refuse to lead a life of regret. I will do anything, short of sacrificing the essential parts of who I am, to make amends. This is all just too important and too precious to do anything less."

[wesleyp3]

it sound good. i tried something similar, did'nt seem to work, i think that it is good to let her know how you feel. it may work for you, and i hope that it does. we are both in the same situation. wish you well.

[CatsMeeoow]

Its sweet, its honest and from the heart.

 

Good Luck!

[glimmerofhope]

You don't think it's a little too candid? It's who I am, and she knows it, but am I better served to tailor it back or even do nothing (a la bloody cat-and-mouse) for now?

[cristal]

This will take a lot of guts. Guts that I do not have.

 

But good luck!

[thinkstoohard]

dang goh, i like that! if i hadn't sent mine already i would copy it to the tee and send it right here right now!!

[blender]

Well I think it's great that you expressed your feelngs in writing but do NOT send this just yet, think this through and try to take out all the "outside references" or "statistics" or any "blame" type of statements.

 

Keep it clear, to the point, and short. IF you are going to send anything at all.. because right now if your ex in NOT making any effort to be in your life, then it might be wise to accept this as painful as it is, and to respectfully allow some time to go by and to focus on keeping busy with your own life, widening your own world and feeling good about yourself on your own first.

 

Authentic love is about SHARING your own emotional identity and inner happiness with the other person, it is NOT about ATTAINING your emotionally identity and happiness FROM the other person.

 

So for today keep writing out all your feelings for her, express yourself through writing it on this site or by emailing it to YOURSELF for a few days while working through all your feelings and taking in all the facts as well about the ex..

 

I think the part of what you wrote that is the most personally responsible is in the last paragraph, with some editing of anything that puts blame or states that your life is "lesser exsistance" without her... because it s a FULL personal existence that you want to share in a healthy love.. so maybe do a few rewrites trying to focus on expressing your feelings and what you are wiling to do.. such as your last paragraph edit eg:

 

"I love you. I respect you. I miss you. I screwed up, I feel badly about it. I want to make amends. I am so sorry. I hope you can accept my apology for all that I did to cause hurt feelings. If you discover in time that you want to talk about us making an effort to work on things, I just want you to know I"d be happy to talk about it. I hope you understand my expressing this. Our potential as a couple is too important and too precious for me not to at least risk letting you know how I'm feeling."

 

See? This is an emotionally respsonsible clear way of really making ammends without any conditions or explainations or blame or drama, it's just a clear way of expressing your sincere feelings..how does it feel to read it? Keep writing different versions, making them more clear, shorter, but most importantly I always say if the ex is NOT ASKING YOU about your feelings, then it might because for today they are not wanting to hear about it..

 

So try not to send anything until you've had some time to allow your wounded heart and your ego a little breathing and healing room. I know it may "feel" like an "emergency" to get in contact with her, but the "fact" is it's best for you to breathe, let some time go by, reflect, and regain your sense of self, so you can feel really good about what it is you want to express to her.. taking time to think it all through leads to less regrets.. so breathe, take care of yourself, and keep writing out all your feelings here or for yourself..

 

let us know how you're doing...

[CatsMeeoow]

You don't think it's a little too candid? It's who I am, and she knows it, but am I better served to tailor it back or even do nothing (a la bloody cat-and-mouse) for now?

 

Be yourself! If you are not she'll know it. It will seem false.

[glimmerofhope]

 

Authentic love is about SHARING your own emotional identity and inner happiness with the other person, it is NOT about ATTAINING your emotionally identity and happiness FROM the other person.

 

Thank you for the comments. I am trying to convey that I know my life goes on and that I can and will find some measure of happiness if she is not a part of it, i.e., I do not depend on her to "complete me" or make me happy. At the same time, it would be untrue to pretend that I am not happier with her than without. Hence, my life can still be great, but it will not be as great as it could be with her as a part of it.

 

Does that make sense (I hope)?

[BlondGuy]

I tried something like this but by phone though. I failed miserably but at least I wont be thinking 10 years down the road "what if I would of called her?".

So I dont have any regrets.

[jettison]

I wrote a letter like this about two weeks after our breakup. It was very candid, and it was a kind of a "seize the day" letter written to her. I think I even said "If your heart is broken, then you're breaking your own heart... I'm not doing it."

 

After she read that letter, she called me, sounded very happy, and then said "I just want you to know that I read the letter". She said, "Gathering my thoughts".

 

Then, I got a phonecall at 5:30pm. She sounded frantic and exicted. She said "Where are you?!!?" I told her I was in the park. "Where exactly!? I'm coming to see you right now. Don't go anywhere!"

 

She came to meet me. She looked me in the eyes. She said...

 

...

...

...

... absolutely nothing. She just smiled and we walked. Then she went home. I have no idea what she was going to tell me that day. No idea what she just had to tell me that couldn't, but that she could never bring herself to say. But she never said it. All I could do was to shake my head and watch her walk away.

[glimmerofhope]

Hmm...not exactly sure what to do with this.

 

Must have had you all kinds of confused at the time, though.

[blender]

of course it makes sense, your hurting right now, your heart aches, that is a sign of how much YOU can love, and how much YOU have to offer into a relationship, but also you are learning from all this, choosing to learn about yourself, and what you would do differently... take this time to heal, BEFORE you reach out to her just yet.

 

You are still too emotionally vulnerable to send her a note without you hoping or having an expectation of a "reaction" from her... so give it some time... feel all your feelings before re-acting to them.. this is a way of growing and dealing with the emotions before re-acting to them... right now you are in pain, your heart aches, and for today it might be best to focus on yourself... she is not asking you about your feelings for today, so just know that you have to do what is best for YOUR OWN HEART in the bigger picture.. Don't you think you will feel better waiting a few days, rewriting, re-reading all your feelings and healing a bit before you put yourself in the vulnerable position of expressing yourself and then waiting for a reaction from her?

 

What if she does NOT respond? What if she says, "sorry I don't want to talk".. what if she says, "okay let's get back together"... Which one seems like the most realistic way for her to respond? Are you emotionally prepared to deal with any of those responses just yet?

 

Give YOURSELF some time.. right now it is YOU who I'm concerned about... because you are hurting, and it takes time to breathe and feel all the feelings, to forgive yourself, to deal with the "fact' that she is NOT making any effort to contact you, and it's all very painful for today... so giving it some time will allow you the opportunity to grow, and heal a bit...and it also allows your ex the time to discover is she has any deeper feelings or wants to reach out to you.... time and space are your friend right now..I'm so sorry you are hurting so deeply, but trust that you can always contact her..but right now might not be the best time for YOU emotionally.. you know what I mean?

[glimmerofhope]

to deal with the "fact' that she is NOT making any effort to contact you

 

That's the part that's so frustrating. The waiting game. I'm a take-charge kind of person, and the idea to me of just sitting back and hoping things take the course I want them to goes against my every instinct.

 

What's more, I know who she is, and how hard it would be for her to reach out at this point. I guess I was thinking I would make it easier for her by putting it all out there...

[blender]

Well, I understand your "need' to "control or take charge" but that is also something you can choose to do about YOURSELF, and choose to respect her space for today. I know how much it hurts to be "wondering, hoping, waiting" but you also have to consider the altermative..and that is about going to a party where you are not invited, and how uncomfortable and anxious that can lead YOU to feel afterwards.

 

For today the "take-charge" person in you can take charge of yourself and keep taking some time to heal... and yes it may be difficult for her personality to reach out right now, but was it hard for her to tell you that she wanted to break up? Has she had a difficult time letting you know she'd prefer some space? See sometimes when our hearts are hurting we have a way of making excuses for the ex so we can deal with our own hurt.. and our hope... during this time it's best to just let it go one day at a time, knowing that with each day that goes by you are choosing to concentrate and focus on your own healing so that when and IF the time comes to reconcile..well at least you can feel better about yourself, and have a more stable and sincere want from BOTH PEOPLE involved to make an effort. Right now it's about "timing" for YOU emotionally, try not to allow yourself to give in to your own pattern of "wanting to take charge" it's a temporary feeling, and will most likely only give you a temporary fix of "feeling" in control, only to leave you waiting for a response, and reeling from the wait, or wondering what she is thinking, or wishing you had gave it some more time or of course her just responding with a "no thank you, I'm sorry I'm not ready for any of this, so please leave me alone" type of thing....

 

Being a take charge person is about taking charge of yourself first, and the real strength and charge comes from letting go a bit.. that is the most empowering, ATTRACTIVE and healing thing for today.. how do you feel abou that?

[glimmerofhope]

I think you are for the most part correct. I think I knew this anyhow; hence, the email is posted here, and not whisking its way through cyberspace on its way to her inbox.

 

I also think a part of me wants to believe very badly that she wants to contact me, but is having a hard time taking that step. It's hard for me to believe that she would not want to speak to me or know me any longer, given the time and passion that went into our relationship.

 

Oh, well. I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on, and see where things go.

[lightandmagic]

That's the part that's so frustrating. The waiting game. I'm a take-charge kind of person, and the idea to me of just sitting back and hoping things take the course I want them to goes against my every instinct.

 

What's more, I know who she is, and how hard it would be for her to reach out at this point. I guess I was thinking I would make it easier for her by putting it all out there...

 

i sent an email like that a couple of weeks ago. and i completely identify with what you're saying. but i've heard nothing back, although i did say at the end that he shouldn't feel obliged to reply. i think my logic in that is that it'll go around in his head until he does come to a real conclusion about it, but maybe that's just me being stupid.

[glimmerofhope]

i sent an email like that a couple of weeks ago. and i completely identify with what you're saying. but i've heard nothing back, although i did say at the end that he shouldn't feel obliged to reply. i think my logic in that is that it'll go around in his head until he does come to a real conclusion about it, but maybe that's just me being stupid.

 

Let me know if you ever get a response, would you? And I don't think you're being stupid. You've given him food for thought. I'm sure he's digesting it, though it will remain to be seen whether it's a smooth meal or one that requires Rolaids relief. For your sake, I'll hope for the former.

[delerium6]

goh,

 

In the two weeks following the breakup, I sent 2 emails. Yours sounds a lot like my second one.

 

That was 16 days ago (so essentially I'm in 16 days NC). She didn't respond, and I didn't expect her to. It didn't make me feel any better or worse, but I have to admit that it did feel somewhat theraputic.

[blender]

I think you are for the most part correct. I think I knew this anyhow; hence, the email is posted here, and not whisking its way through cyberspace on its way to her inbox.

 

I also think a part of me wants to believe very badly that she wants to contact me, but is having a hard time taking that step. It's hard for me to believe that she would not want to speak to me or know me any longer, given the time and passion that went into our relationship.

 

Oh, well. I guess I'll just keep on keepin' on, and see where things go.

 

Of course you want to believe she is wants to contact you, maybe she does...but do you really believe that if she did want to, that something woudl stop her? What would that be? Pride?...hmmm..that has little to do with authentic love... Did she ever have trouble expressing her feelings? Negative or positive towards you? Try to remember that as much as you are feeling right now, you can not write the drama or the script as to how she might react to it all... so instead allow some time.

 

For today you are still too emotionally vulnerable to reach out when you are not aware of where she stands, but you are very aware that she is NOT making an effort to be in contact..and you can choose to respect that..and wait..give it some time..allow her the opportunity to discover IF she has unresolved feelings..

 

no note from you can replace all the time you two shared..if fact it might just show that you are still in a "holding pattern" even if you are "saying" that you are "okay and living your life".. the fact is you would be SHOWING her that you are not okay just yet...and I'm sorry but she does not get the honor of knowing your feeings right now because she is not respectfully ask you about them..

 

so trust that she has the same memories about the relationship (great and not so great) that you have, and she also has the choice to reach out... and you do to, but right now might be "too soon".. remember "time and space are your friends" for today.

 

You really seem to be doing better, you are asking for advice, you are not just sending the email, you are taking time to think it through, this will all prove to be the best thing you can do for yourself and for any potential reconciliation.. just taking the time to allow space is a gift for both of you.

[circi]

I think the email sounds great except I would find a way to re-word the "lesser existence" sentence. That line came off as very needy to me but otherwise I was really impressed with the tone of the email.

[glimmerofhope]

I think the email sounds great except I would find a way to re-word the "lesser existence" sentence. That line came off as very needy to me but otherwise I was really impressed with the tone of the email.

 

I agree. Replace it with "I can be happy without you, but I know I'm happier with you", or something along those lines.

[glimmerofhope]

Did she ever have trouble expressing her feelings? Negative or positive towards you?

 

She was very effusive with the praise, but was an absolutely dreadful communicator when it came to talking about things that bothered her. I was always having to go to her when I sensed something was wrong, and it was like pulling teeth getting her to express her frustrations.

 

Hence, I am trying with this email--whatever final form it takes, and whenever (and if) I send it--to help make it easier for her to open up.

[blender]

So she was "effusive with praise" meaning if she has something good to say she has no problem doing so? Well what does that lead you to believe?

 

Also do you want to spend a life time "pulling teeth" to know where your significant other stands within your relationship? Where does that leave your heart on a daily basis?

 

Right now do you strongly believe that she is not contacting you because it's not "easy to do so"? Or do you "hope" that that is the case? There is sometimes a difference between what we "hope will be" and "what actually is happening"... So it's important to take time to separate your "feelings' from the "facts"... you "feel" she is wanting to maybe contact you, but the "fact" is for today she is not doing so.

 

And that's okay, she might just need some time, without any contact from you she has time to discover deeper feelings, and to wonder, "he hasn't done one of his attempts at contact..hmmm"... "wow, is he really letting go this time?".. "did I do the right thing".. allow her this opportunity... because you are not interesetd in convincing someone to love you, you are only interested if she DISCOVERS that not having you in her life has lead her to now be willing to make a sincere effort to forgive, learn, love and work together to make it work..

 

so just know that it might take time for her to discover this all the while you can be healing, and regaining your sense of self.. and that will prove to be the most empowering attractive thing IF there is to be a reconciliation in the future. So again, time and space are your friends, and if and when you want to reach out to her, you can always do so, and the more perspective you gain on yourself and less vulnerable you are when doing so the better.

[glimmerofhope]

I know. What I'm really doing here is making excuses for her. She's got a busy career life, a robust social network and plenty of family nearby to keep her busy...and not realizing what, if anything, she misses. Well, that's her problem, I guess, and there's no sense making it mine, too.

 

I've already conceded the point, that this is not the time for grand overtures. Let the chips fall where they may...