Had that nagging feeling. So I stooped and snooped.

[Empathy]

One other thing I wanted to mention again...what about the fact that his user name was clearly just some random letters and numbers put into the keyboard? It didn't look like a profile he intended to use. Especially since the only thing he had in his info space was "Oh, hi thur!" lol. Sorry, I do have to laugh at that. Its an on going joke between us.

[DN]

Who are you trying to convince here? As I said, either you trust him or you don't but you obviously have doubts about him or you would not have posted.

 

I think at the very least you should have a face to face conversation with him and tell him that he has seriously damaged your faith in him and ask him how he intends to restore it.

[Empathy]

 

of your own case. you know you have a drinking problem, so you don't go sneaking around hanging out in bars at night when he's not around. and WHY would you hang around a bar if not to drink?

 

 

Also had to bring this up. I do go to bars still because my friends and my sister drink and I'm usually the DD. I still have fun in bars without alcohol just hanging out and meeting new people. Just to chat with for the night. The only difference here is he knows every time I go to a bar. I have relapsed while I was with him without his knowing too. So, I've screwed up and betrayed his trust at least once before this snooping episode. But that was only once...he's lied many times...

 

I also wanted to add that your post was awesome. I appreciate it very much.

[Empathy]

Who are you trying to convince here? As I said, either you trust him or you don't but you obviously have doubts about him or you would not have posted.

 

I think at the very least you should have a face to face conversation with him and tell him that he has seriously damaged your faith in him and ask him how he intends to restore it.

 

 

I'm not trying to convince anyone but myself. I'm just sharing my thought processes to see if they are valid or not. That's all. I'm trying to talk this out in a sense. Everyone's words are true. But its kind of hard to make a decision when I have people that don't know him telling me I shouldn't trust him. But at the same time, you guys are on the outside looking in and have a better view of this than I do. You don't have love blinding you. So...I'm just trying to figure myself out I guess.

[girlie-girl]

It sounds to me like you are just making excuses for him... that you don't want to accept what is plainly in front of you. Too often we ignore that little voice inside only to suffer later because we didn't. Perhaps it's because of your upbringing and what you witnessed between your parents that makes you think this is acceptable behavior, I'm not sure but let me tell you this is not.

 

As the others have said, link removed is very clear what it's about. If he was curious about what goes on there, he could have hit the site and browsed around a bit. You don't need an account for that... but you do need one if you wish to contact one of the members there. It makes me think he was curious about if he could find himself a new cheating partner there more than anything else.

 

In closing I'll just state that one lie does not condone another. You cannot accept lies from him because you feel you've not been completely honest. The two of you need to sit down and discuss what you each want out of this relationship because from an outsider's perspective, it seems as though he's the only one who matters and sadly you've given him that right. Why is what I don't understand. You're young, go out and find a man worthy of your affections and trust. They're out there... you just have to listen to your gut whilst looking for them.

 

Good luck.

[DN]

I'm not trying to convince anyone but myself. I'm just sharing my thought processes to see if they are valid or not. That's all. I'm trying to talk this out in a sense. Everyone's words are true. But its kind of hard to make a decision when I have people that don't know him telling me I shouldn't trust him. But at the same time, you guys are on the outside looking in and have a better view of this than I do. You don't have love blinding you. So...I'm just trying to figure myself out I guess.

Well, that's fair enough but it will only help to a degree since he is the one that has the information you need.

 

As to trust - we don't know him either but from what you have posted about his actions they seem, at best, shady.

 

The fact that you may have screwed up doesn't justify his actions.

 

As to him being secretive - that is all very well, many people value their privacy. But if he is being secretive not for privacy reasons but because he wants to cheat in some way that is a different issue. It isn't the secretiveness that matters but the cheating - they are separate issues.

 

I still think you need to have a talk about this with him so that he knows he has seriously damaged your trust and that he needs to address that.

[JadedStar]

No Empathy we don't have love blinding us which is what makes the point of view much more impartial...but I think you already know and respect that.

 

I think that you beat yourself up way too much for the snooping as well. While I am not an advocate for snooping I do think if a partner's actions are constantly elusive and questionable and if snooping is the ONLY way to confirm or disaffirm then we do what we gotta do.

 

It does not sound like you are the type of person who needs to be in your partner's business 24/7. You had a nagging feeling and some questions that needed to be answered and you empowered yourself to get those answers.

 

Now it is only the question of what you are going to do with the info. This is always the pesky thing about snooping. If you do find something then doing something about the info is the hardest part of all.

[Snoopy24]

Well I have been with my bf a year in feb also, and he actually cheated on me 3x the first two months with his ex.

 

So...yes I do believe there can be a relationship without trust, but my bf has been working on his for 9 months.

 

It seems like your bf hasn't changed and you don't really have a reason to try and work on your trust issues with him. It seems like you are trying to stick up for him making an accounting on a sex dating site. There really is no reason to..even if he was "curious"

[DN]

I think that you beat yourself up way too much for the snooping as well. While I am not an advocate for snooping I do think if a partner's actions are constantly elusive and questionable and if snooping is the ONLY way to confirm or disaffirm then we do what we gotta do.

Exactly. Snooping just to be nosy or from some unfounded or unreasonable doubt is not cool - but if there is a history or well-founded suspicion how else can you protect yourself?

[ESP5000]

if he walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, chances are he is a duck. i was in a relationship like this too, and the lies dont stop...the only thing that changed was that he started believing his lies and got angry with me instead.

 

he's not going to change. this is his habit. i'd get out now, before it gets worse. ... and check yourself for STDs.

 

good luck x

[ESP5000]

also want to add that my exbf ALSO said his perusing of craigslist casual sex was CURIOSITY. you can window shop for only so long.... get my drift. GET OUT NOW.

[Empathy]

Exactly. Snooping just to be nosy or from some unfounded or unreasonable doubt is not cool - but if there is a history or well-founded suspicion how else can you protect yourself?

 

Thank you. That's what I tried to tell him. I told him that because he is so secretive and won't let me in, how ELSE am I supposed to know? I even told him that if he suspected me of cheating he would have done the same. And of course he denied it and said he would have respected my privacy. To which I said, well then I guess you would never know whether I was cheating or not, would you? And he said, No I guess not. Which I guess if fine by him! But its not fine by me.

[ESP5000]

ALSO want to say that my ex was a VERY GOOD LIAR...i felt horrible not believing him...he made me feel so badly for not believing him. one time, we were in an elevator and he said to me, "god, i cant believe you think i really look at those sites." and i just looked at him and said, "but you do." little does he know that very day, i saw in front of my eyes on his computer casual sex, escort posts he was perusing, as well as looking at young girls with braces porn. he's disgusting and where would the trust have been if he straight up lied like that to me.

 

your gut is ALWAYS right. learn to listen and TRUST it. do not let him make you feel insecure and paranoid and for you to lose your self-esteem...he WILL break it down. and if he stops now, his habit will resurface. it always does.

[DN]

your gut is ALWAYS right. learn to listen and TRUST it.

I don't agree that it is always right - I know of too many instances where it was not. But you should definitely not ignore it.

[JadedStar]

Yes, a gut feeling should be a "guide" or a tool to make one more aware of what is going on, not an end all be all.

 

Gut instincts can be spot on but there are situations where an insecure person cannot always trust their gut. I do not think that is the case here but thought it worth mentioning should someone read this who always has gut instincts causing them to react when it is insecurity that might be their driver.

[Empathy]

Yes, a gut feeling should be a "guide" or a tool to make one more aware of what is going on, not an end all be all.

 

Gut instincts can be spot on but there are situations where an insecure person cannot always trust their gut. I do not think that is the case here but thought it worth mentioning should someone read this who always has gut instincts causing them to react when it is insecurity that might be their driver.

 

Not making excuses, but I am a very insecure person. At least I am now, at this point in my life. However, I've always trusted my intuition because it doesn't fail that often. The point here, and what's making this so damn hard, is that it does fail.

 

He's going to call me and explain his "curiosity" to me further. I'll let you know what he says.

[ycmanvs]

Since you do not want to leave him, I suggest therapy and lots of it, addiction counseling, couples therapy, individual, etc. You both have addictive prsonalities and that is why you get along and also why it is hard for you to walk away from him.

 

If, after therapy, you are still together and have worked out your issues, then you will know that this relationship will last.

They say you should not date anyone for a whole year of being sober.

[Empathy]

Alright...just keeping you all updated. This is his explanation for his curiosity...He used a myspace analogy.

"If you heard your friends talking about this website called myspace and they were talking about how awesome it is and how great it is wouldn't you want to see it for yourself?"

 

I told him adult friend finder and myspace are two totally different things. You don't go to myspace to find sex partners (which, actually in his case that's exactly what he did. Used myspace to get one night stands). But I still made my point. To which he basically tried to tell me that myspace and adult friend finder are the same because people post pics of their boobs on myspace and its filled with hackers....

 

Now it really sounds like he's making excuses to me...

 

Also our conversation got us nowhere. He's irate now. Angry as ever. Yelling and saying he's not yelling when he's clearly yelling. One of those dumb situations. I'm the one who should be angry. Not him. He still stands adamantly by his curiosity reason? excuse? I don't know anymore. But I do know that him getting this angry is not a good sign.

 

Well, he says he's angry because I'm not listening to him and I keep repeating the same thing over and over again.

[maxo]

Either cross over and join him on the dark side. Tell him you want to share his bed with other females and you will be sleeping discretely with other guys if you think they are hot.

 

or leave him. now.

 

It's that simple. You only have one life and you are burning time on this.

 

There are many other quality guys. You can't start healing until you put him behind you.

[lonelygemini]

Your bf does seem to have a porn/sex addiction and I agree with ycmanvs, you both should get counseling. Or, at least you should if he won't go.

 

And maxo put it succinctly --cross over to the "dark side", or leave. Because you aren't going to be happy if you won't accept his online fantasies and he's not going to change.

 

LG

[Hope75]

He's irate and angry because his analogy is poor and makes no sense, and he knows he has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He's trying to turn it around so that by his anger you will get scared that he might leave and will apologize for 'upsetting' him-- when you have perfectly legitimate reasons for being upset.

 

If my friends were raving about 'adultfriendfinder' (which they are not) it wouldn't matter- because I am in a committed relationship and am not looking for casual sex with other people. Would you sign up for an account if people told you it was a great place to meet for casual sex? Think about this- why or why not?

 

There is no reason for him to sign up for an account there unless he wants to contact people and have people contact him for sex.

 

I just went to that site to 'check it out' 'out of curiosity' and you can do searches, check out profiles, see what it's all about, and see who is there without having to create an account. The only reason you need to create an account is if you actually want to contact someone from there and arrange a hookup of some sort.

 

Honey- this guy is bad news. I wish you would stand up for yourself and tell him to get lost. This is so unacceptable.

[JadedStar]

I'm the one who should be angry. Not him

 

Something I learned in relationships that has been helpful to me is that when smoeone does something they KNOW is wrong, and then get mad at YOU when you are upset about it, this is a glaring sign that they are guilty as charged.

 

This isn't like you don't already KNOW he signed up for tihs site. That in itself he knows is a BAD thing to do in a relationship. If this were totally innocent he would be doing everything in his power to prove that innocence not getting furious.

 

Think back in your life to anytime you were accused of something you didn't do and the person doing the accusing was really hurt beacuse it APPEARED like you betrayed them. Were you angry or were you going crazy trying to make this person you cared about understand you would never betray them and go out of your way to get proof to show them?????

[RayKay]

Hope & Jaded are right on - he is angry as he knows he is backed in the corner and anger is the only thing he can see will get him out if it scares you enough to back down and be the one saying "sorry" essentially.

 

I do NOT get his rationale at all; you do NOT need to join the site to figure out what it is about.....heck, before I ever even SAW the site I knew what it was about (and he would too if his friends were telling him). Just opening the site shows you ALL you need to know about what it is "about".

 

Sorry, if you are committed to someone, it would not matter HOW many dating sites others talked about, or hook up sites...if you are committed, you don't go signing up on them!

 

I think he is covering up big time, I think given his history he knows what has worked in past on others too.

 

I also think you are far too smart, and beautiful of a woman to waste your time on such a loser whom thinks he can outsmart you.

[girlie-girl]

I agree. He's angry because he KNOWS he's lying to you about his intentions going there in the first place. People like to manipulate other people with anger. It's a power trip to refocus the energy onto you rather than the real issue at hand, which is that you CAN'T TRUST HIM.

 

Why not go to that site together and browse around if it's all so 'innocent'. See who he is looking at and communicating with. If he's not doing anything wrong there, he'll have no issue with it.

 

Honestly though, if I were you I'd run and not look back. Relationships like the one you're in are doomed for unhappiness and pain... most likely you'll be the one experiencing the sorrow, not him. Add in the fact that you're insecure, and you've given him the perfect avenue to manipulate you into thinking it's you and not him.

[JadedStar]

Not making excuses, but I am a very insecure person. At least I am now, at this point in my life. However, I've always trusted my intuition because it doesn't fail that often. The point here, and what's making this so damn hard, is that it does fail.

 

He's going to call me and explain his "curiosity" to me further. I'll let you know what he says.

 

Yeah but there is a difference Empathy. His actions have caused you insecurity. Anyone would feel insecure given his actions of past and present. And your gut instinct WAS PROVEN so it was not an inaccurate hunch...he was in fact registered to a site he had no business being on.