My husband IS addicted to porn... Long post, sorry

[mom2angels]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. It has finally sunk in (duh) that he is seriously addicted to pornography. When we first started dating, I found some porn at his apartment & he rationalized: single, no girlfriend, etc. I'm not dumb, I know guys are visual, & though it bothered me a little, I let it go.

Sadly, this behavior has continued throughout the last 8+ years of our marriage as well. I have regularly found magazines & videos stashed in various places - only once or twice by deliberately looking, otherwise, just by chance - flipping the mattress, packing for vacation, etc.

In the past year or so, it seems to be getting worse, or he's getting more careless. I have found tokens to masturbate in a booth in a porn store, several movies, magazines, PC downloads. About a month ago, while packing for a weekend away I found more than a dozen videos & DVD's, each several hours long with multiple HARD CORE scenarios (more than 50 hours worth). I flew into an absolute rage. Although we have talked and argued about this in the past, I completely snapped & broke every last one of them.

After things cooled, I finally convinced myself - after 11 years - that there was simply no point in getting so upset. He is going to do this and it's not a personal reflection on me. It used to make me feel ugly & un-sexy & pretty depressed. It finally dawned on me that I'm OK - a dean's list student who still fits in her wedding dress & get's flirted with by guys 10 years younger (blush...) & I just can't help it (& don't want to!) - I'll never be a video prostitute...sigh...

Then on Sunday - five days ago, I noticed the DVD player was on. Since we don't own any DVD's & the kids can't access it, the conclusion was rational & he admitted that he had rented three DVD's. I shrugged it off & let it go... until yesterday. The machine was on again. He denied it, but again... only one conclusion. A few hours later, while looking for mortgage papers, I found ANOTHER video... this one given to him by his brother DAYS after the huge blow-up!!!

I don't know how to feel or react to this anymore. It doesn't lessen his sex drive, but he constantly suggests things I know he only got from those movies. I no longer take it personally - I just can't or I'd cry myself sick, but this makes me feel so, I don't know... SAD, I guess, like I have a weight on my heart. I just don't know how to continue to feel the same about him for the next 30, 40, 50 years. I don't know if it's the dishonesty or the frequency or the completely disrespectful light women are portrayed in... I just don't know about anything anymore...

[Ash]

I don't know if you'll be able to get him to stop. There are maybe some things to try or think about though that might lessen the situation, or at least the tension it causes.

 

Regardless of how much you dislike it, I'm not sure if flying into a rage will help. Sorry, I don't ean to criticize you on that. I can fully understand your reaction. The thing is, that's not going to make him stop, it's just likely to make him take pains to hide it from you even more. He won't likely want to talk about it with you any more, not that he has in the past.

 

If you see it as an addiction, and maybe it is, treat it like you would any other addiction. Talk to him about how you find it a bit alarming (I'm sure you already have). But maybe if you can get him to admit that he thinks it's a bit much, maybe you can work together to come up with some solutions so you can both live with it, hopefully in a lessened state.

 

Maybe, if he opens up a lot more about it, you can think about seeing a counsellor about it. I wouldn't be surprised that at times he feels pretty crap about it, but doesn't know how to stop.

 

I suspect his lack of care in being caught is possibly becuase he want's to get caught. That could either be becuase he finds it exciting, or because he wants you to help him kick the habit. (Or more likely I'm completely off base!!)

 

The dishonesty is hard to live with. The way around that is to appear understanding, and ask him to be open. That will requite a big step from you which you likely don't really want to take. But addictions, or even bad habits are like that. Once people are aware of the fact it's something dissapproved of, they hide.

 

The frequency can also be alarming too. Either he has a really high sex drive, or doesn't know what else to do when he gets bored.

 

As for whether he sees it as disrespectful of women, I suspect that's a different matter entirely. It doesn't follow that just because he appears addicted means he views it in that light at all. Only you can tell whether he's that way. You'll likely know from how he is with you. It doesn't sound like he disrespects you in bed, although it's hard to tell from your post. Hopefully not.

 

To conclude, as much as you may dislike the thought, in order to have anything constructive happen I suspect you might have to initiate it. Do you think it's at least worth a try?

 

Hope this helps.

[OmegaMan]

The thing with addiction, he has to stop pornography for himself, not ofr others, otherwise it will never work.

 

Omega Man

[Nity]

Instead of raging about it to him.. why don't you try watching it with him and participating in something that is obviously important to him?

[confusedandpregnant]

I know how you feel, my husband of 2 months is addicted to internet porn, we have been together for 1 year and 2 months. I knew he had a problem with it before we got married but he told me he had quit it, 3 days after are wedding i found tons of websites on his computer again. Dont get me wrong i enjoy a little porn now and again but this is crazy. I have tried in the past to get him to open up to me and share it with me and it didnt really bother me until it has started interfering with our sex life. Now i find out that he is watching all of this then telling me hes hot for me and wanting to have sex. Thats makes me feel so used and nasty, I dont feel like hes making love to me, i feel like i am just a sub. I have explained to him how it makes me feel and he dosnt seem to understand or he just dosnt care, he always promises me that he isnt going to do it again but he always does. Now that i am pregnant it just makes it worse. I mean am i stupid for feeling this way or being a nag, I honestly dont know what else to do. I love him but dont know if i can continue living this way.

[VoleurDesCoeurs]

lmao just because he hides it from you knowing that it'll make you angry doesnt mean he's addicted, if anything he's just trying to spare your feelings

 

Rofl.

 

Join in the fun and then he wont have to hide this anymore. What did you say when he asked you to partake in those activities? You dont wanna do them yet he gets himself off on them and it still bothers you? Would you rather he go outside and e with one who WILL indulge in such with him? Obviously some arent aware of what an addiction is

 

yelling that someone should stop something and they dont isnt an addiction make. sheesh.

[rachelh]

I have been with my partner for 4 years and married for 2. He is obsessesd with porn. But i have a problem with the lies. He will not go to bed with me and then when i am asleep come down stairs and go on the computer. I have just found out that he has been ringing sex lines to. To me this goes beyond looking at porn and i am unable to forgive him for that. We did not have the internet for a little while so he was unable to go on it and everything was getting better, but the internet was back on last saturday and he has already been on it all though it hurts me. I do not have a problem with porn and have suggested watching it together but there is always an excuse why we cant. I have tried everything i know to sort it out but i no longer care and have given up.

[3boys]

lmao just because he hides it from you knowing that it'll make you angry doesnt mean he's addicted, if anything he's just trying to spare your feelings

 

Rofl.

 

Join in the fun and then he wont have to hide this anymore. What did you say when he asked you to partake in those activities? You dont wanna do them yet he gets himself off on them and it still bothers you? Would you rather he go outside and e with one who WILL indulge in such with him? Obviously some arent aware of what an addiction is

 

yelling that someone should stop something and they dont isnt an addiction make. sheesh.

Sorry, I think this goes well beyond "yelling that someone should stop something." It sounds like he needs porn as a precursor to sex and that she has offered to "share" it with him and he won't--he needs to keep that part all to himself but needs her to "take care" of him after he's started by himself? Sounds pretty much like an addiction to me.....

 

Oh, and just because someone's addicted to porn doesn't mean they're going to go out and find someone "willing" to act out the porn. It's actually the exact opposite.....porn addicts rarely (except in EXTREME cases) go out and find someone else to "take care of business." Part of the "rush" they feel is the privacy of it all. Talk about being unaware of what an addiction is.....

 

 

BTW, I've dealt with various addictions of my own and am WELL aware of what an "addiction" is.....

[breezyyb]

HI...

I'm pretty new here, but I HAD to post a reply on this!! My boyfriend does the same thing. When we first met, we watched it together, and had fun with it, as a matter of fact, I showed him how to get the stuff from the computer! I knew he looked at it alone from time to time, I am not that dense, I looked at it also from time to time.

then something changed....little by little. it got so we wouldnt have sex if there wasnt a porn flick first. I used to comment about it, "lets get some porn so we can have sex this week...hahaha"...then, it got to be a big secert for him. he would lie about looking at it on the computer, and he would be busted everytime! (he didnt know how to erase alot of things on the computer!!) but he would flat oout lie about it. he would get some mean "bugs" on his computer from some of the porn sites, THAT was always a dead give-a-way!! He would go as far as to print out certain pics he liked and take them with him when he went hunting or ice fishing.

At first I tried to go with it, particapate, explore...I tried to show him he had no reason to have too hide it from me. I encouraged him to share it and we could have fun with it again...but it didnt stop. our sex life pretty much had stopped. having sex once a month, then once every 2-3 months, then last yr, we had sex 3 times the WHOLE YEAR!I realized he would wait until I left the room or the house and he would be on the porn within 5 minutes. I would leave and I would come back on purpose only to catch him on the porn, with his pants around his ankles, looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights. He would wait till I was out of the room folding clothes or taking a bath, and BOOM, he would be on the porn. I didnt have to go into the computer too look, I would walk into the room, and he would be so lost in it that he wouldnt even hear me coming down the hallway, so I would scare the crap out of him, and I would stand there as he franticly tried to close the pages he was on, then look at me and tell me thats not what he was doing. one time he accused me of tip-toing down the hall, and sneaking up on him!

but it had gotten to a point where he was chosing the porn over me. he would wait until I was gone or whatever then turn to the porn, we had aruged and talked and I had pleaded and begged, I have tried to get him to understand thats its not the porn itself, but the fact that he is chosing it over me...THAT is whats causing the pain & conflict.

WELL....I ended up moving out and getting a place of my own. I couldnt handle it all anymore. this yr, we have had sex 1 time. he has no answers to this day what the problem is. We still see each other, he comes to my house and we will be talking, havfing a good time, when he suddenly is up and he has to go home cuz hes tired...the next day, I can expect to find porn on his computer....he started looking within 5 minutes of leaving me and getting home. he always says he isnt tring to hurt me wit the porn, he always swears he will stay away from it "forever". blah-blah-blah...

I used to think it was ME who had the problem. that something was wrong with ME. that it was all MY fault. It is very sad how easily porn can do that to a person. I still find myself thinking that now and then. but I know that its not ME that is the problem, there isnt anything wrong wioth ME that caused this. its his problem and I hope someday he will be very happy with his porn, cuz that will be all he has, because he pretty much has lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

sorry this is so L-O-N-G!! but I just had to respond....Good Luck!!

[sadlypregnant]

Hi everyone, I've read all the posts and posts from other sites..... I've been on both ends of and try to keep an open heart and head over this but can't seem to know when enough is enough,,, yes I have worked at strip clubs, been to playboy parties, all my girlfriends are dancers, I try to keep an open mind about everything but enough is enough!!! I think its normal for every guy to look at playboy, heck, I'm a straight female and I even flip through sometimes, but being 6 months pregnant, I thought my husband of 10 years would be a little more into our relationship than this....

Porno is one thing, and pictures, but when they are going to local escort numbers, printing the photos and writing down their names and phone numbers etc etc, and then lying about it, ENOUGH IS FREAKING ENOUGH! all the guys make it sound like no big deal, sure its not if you're single!! US WOMEN HAD LIVES BEFORE THE HUSBANDS ALSO!!! But we gave it up, when is enough enough!!!!!!!!?????????

My husband doesn't say anything till he is caught of course, and then he says depending on how he is caught and 'what' he is caught with he says either NO I DO NOT CALL THE GIRLS AND WOULD NOT HIRE ANYONE BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE YOU DISEASES ETC, to oh I only 'called' to hear their voices or to find out their breast sizes, etc, I would never really hire anyone, or being pregnant he says well its cause you don't give it to me enough and so I just look at the pictures, but its hard to believe when he writes their numbers and names etc, I am ready to talk to therapists now and of course talk to my mom and talk to a few of my normal female friends I have to see if they have the same issues or problems, but I don't think that they do!!! Why do people even get married then when clearly they would be happier being single and getting to do whatever the heck they want to do, without hurting each other.. i am thinking of moving with my mom and having this kid by myself now and letting him just go and do as he pleases I don't want to stay in this marriage anymore. It just feels hopeless. i got a clean bill of health from my doctors and never really did any prostitution kind of work, yes worked at the clubs but never went passed two lap dances, honestly grosed me out, and didn't think it was something I wanted to do (just my personal experience and personal choice or opinion) There has to be a line right somewhere?? Or else what is marriage for? I feel like I have this growing belly and hubby gets to do whatever he wants,,

when is enough enough??? We're allowed to go have fun with our exes or the guys that we feel like are attractive and when we get caught we say OOPS or sorry or it was just interesting or fun at the time, I didn't mean it, I really love you?!? Please any advice would be greatly appreciated at this point, like I said I am trying so hard to keep an open mind but its hard being pregnant and dealing with this alone.

Thanks for listening....

[FlaubertsBud]

Almost three moths since your post but I had too reply to let you know that you are not alone and I am too dealing with a similar situation. You are brave, you have a baby on the way and your man is your husband. My boyfriend and I have been living together for a year and plus months and have been together for three. Over the summer was when it all started, he was acting very suspiciously so I broke into his email account (something I would never do). What I found broke my heart. Dozens of emails replying to casual encounter ads from Craigslist and the Villiage Voice. I immediately confronted him and he was shocked that I would break into his email but knew that what he was doing was much much worse. He continued to explain that nothing ever happened he never cheated on me. He gets off on this. Okay, the trust was broken I could not look at him the same way our relationship was wounded but I was ready to try and work through it. Fast forward to a few days ago. For some weird reason I wanted to check up on him in a different way. I went onto his laptop and looked at his internet history. Searches for "Escorts" "how to get your girlfriend to have a threesome" "rape scenes" and a lot of just regular porn. This time it took me a few days to get the guts up to confront him and in the meanwhile i broke my own sobriety and was a total mess. I was planning on how I was going to move out and where I was going to live. in my mind I had given him his second chance. I should also let you know in the summer when we had several intimate conversations about our own sex life and where it was lacking and what I could do for him to better fufill him - I later went out and order some pretty kinky underwear, I have been more than trying to give him his fantasy! BUT I also told him that a threesome was something that I was not interested in. I also let him know that I would understand if he had things he needed to go out in the world and explore and I would not hate him for that. When I confronted him this time it was mainly the Escorts that I was alarmed about because I had been out of town for that weekend. He said that he has telephoned the escort service and masturbated to a girls voice over the phone and that he thinks he has a problem with chronic masturbation (probably why we never have any sex!). I told him that this was something that worried me because it has become a problem in our relationship and I want to go to counseling. If we don't fix this I will leave not because I'm an angry person but because we obviously want different things physically and I can't keep putting myself second. He has a habit of acting like nothing had ever happened after a "talk" or fight. I really hope he doesn't forget this one because I haven't.

[bertdru]

Ok just want to ask - what does all the other posts have to do with porn? Craigslist, escorts, cheating????