My husband and I have been together for 11 years. It has finally sunk in (duh) that he is seriously addicted to pornography. When we first started dating, I found some porn at his apartment & he rationalized: single, no girlfriend, etc. I'm not dumb, I know guys are visual, & though it bothered me a little, I let it go.
Sadly, this behavior has continued throughout the last 8+ years of our marriage as well. I have regularly found magazines & videos stashed in various places - only once or twice by deliberately looking, otherwise, just by chance - flipping the mattress, packing for vacation, etc.
In the past year or so, it seems to be getting worse, or he's getting more careless. I have found tokens to masturbate in a booth in a porn store, several movies, magazines, PC downloads. About a month ago, while packing for a weekend away I found more than a dozen videos & DVD's, each several hours long with multiple HARD CORE scenarios (more than 50 hours worth). I flew into an absolute rage. Although we have talked and argued about this in the past, I completely snapped & broke every last one of them.
After things cooled, I finally convinced myself - after 11 years - that there was simply no point in getting so upset. He is going to do this and it's not a personal reflection on me. It used to make me feel ugly & un-sexy & pretty depressed. It finally dawned on me that I'm OK - a dean's list student who still fits in her wedding dress & get's flirted with by guys 10 years younger (blush...) & I just can't help it (& don't want to!) - I'll never be a video prostitute...sigh...
Then on Sunday - five days ago, I noticed the DVD player was on. Since we don't own any DVD's & the kids can't access it, the conclusion was rational & he admitted that he had rented three DVD's. I shrugged it off & let it go... until yesterday. The machine was on again. He denied it, but again... only one conclusion. A few hours later, while looking for mortgage papers, I found ANOTHER video... this one given to him by his brother DAYS after the huge blow-up!!!
I don't know how to feel or react to this anymore. It doesn't lessen his sex drive, but he constantly suggests things I know he only got from those movies. I no longer take it personally - I just can't or I'd cry myself sick, but this makes me feel so, I don't know... SAD, I guess, like I have a weight on my heart. I just don't know how to continue to feel the same about him for the next 30, 40, 50 years. I don't know if it's the dishonesty or the frequency or the completely disrespectful light women are portrayed in... I just don't know about anything anymore...
