Jelousy Hell!

[quietguy]

Hi all. thanks for reading my post.

 

Here is some background -

 

I am terribly jealous of my wife. My wife was always a little overweight. She had our first child 2 and half years ago. After this she became considerably overweight and had trouble losing it. I was always very supportive of her and not at all critical of her weight, but she was always very unhappy with it, which is understandable. Last April, she had gastric bypass surgery. Her surgery was fantastic, and she has lost a considerable amount of weight (She is about 20 pounds short of her goal). She is looking better than she has in a long time. She is enjoying herself tremendously. She has new clothes, a renewed interest in her friends, and she is interested in making new friends. She has definitely come out of here shell. She has confidence in herself like she hasn't had in a long time. I am so proud of her. The decision that she made to have the surgery was very courageous. I am also enjoying certain benefits associated with her greatly renewed sex drive . My biggest problem is that I am totally blowing it with her because I just can't stop from being jealous/suspicious.

 

I've had a really hard time adjusting to her new self. The change has been profound. I have been to a therapist once by myself (and once with her) after I couldn't stand what was happening to me. I was so jealous that I became suspicious of everything that she did and it was really scaring me. My wife and I got into a series of terrible fights with me accusing her of hiding things from me and cheating on me with someone else. She told me that she was going to leave me. The unbelievable thing is, I really had no reason to suspect her of anything. I didn't catch her doing anything. I just kept looking for something. I have never acted that way before and I was concerned for my health, my wife's health and my child's health. The therapist told me that I have an adjustment disorder with depressed mood. This made me realize that what I was feeling was something that I couldn't help and it gave me a lot of hope that I could get better. Most Adjustment Disorders recede as quickly as they appear (so they say).

 

I started rebuilding my self esteem (which unfortunately was very very low at the time my wife and I started having problems). I felt that if I could make myself feel better it would change my entire attitude. My own self improvement kick has helped me get over the shock of her saying that she was going to leave me. I know I would be fine without her. Don't get me wrong, I want to be with her. I want us to feel like a normal family again. I know that she wants to be with me and wants the same thing. She has done a remakable job reassuring me of this. I still am having a very hard time getting over the jelousy. My therapist suggested to me that the depression associated with my adjustment disorder is making it hard for me to let these feelings go. I know that I am getting better slowly but surely. There were some other problems in our relationship that I think stemmed from my low self esteem and I am working hard to fix these things. I am helping more with that house work and with my child. I am trying to make her life better any way that I can. I know that we'll get through this if I can keep my insanely stupid and unfounded accusations to myself.

 

A request -

 

So what I am asking from you guys, is help with techniques or methods that you guys may have learned to help control the suspicion. My therapist suggested some things that would help, but I am always interested in other opinions and ideas. Why do we look for things to tear other people down with? That is the absolute last thing that my rational mind would want to do. Why am I hurting my best friend, lover and mother of my child this way? I know that I will get better. I already feel much better about myself and my future. Any insight that you guys could contibute on ways to combat jealousy and suspicion would be welcomed indeed.

 

Thanks for Listening!

 

Quietguy

[topliner1607306444]

Well, for a start, you are certainly not alone. Millions of guys are in the exact same boat.

 

Your depression feelings are taking a little control of you and you need to fight this back. When suffering from a little depression, we always see things negatively. No matter what it is, we always think the worst. Thats just a symtom of depression that can easily be overcome.

 

Well, theres 2 ways, medication to help lift things a little, but is not a cure. I recommend some cognitive therapy which you can do on your own. Basically its turning these automatic negative thoughts into more realistic ones.

 

I used to do that too. I remember my ex going out clubbing and i wasnt there. I always assumed the worst was going to happen. She was gonna get drunk and go with someone else. But this is ridiculous! You'll end up ruinin your relationship and then ruining you.

 

So what is Cognitive therapy?

 

Cognitive distortions come in many shapes or forms. Some of these include all-or-nothing thinking ('I passed that exam, but I only got a B. I'm a total failure'), over-generalisation ('I'll never get a job'), disqualifying the positive (being told that you've been very helpful, but rejecting the comment because 'He's just trying to be nice to me'), mind-reading ('Everyone can tell what a miserable person I am'), negative prediction ('I won't go to the party because I'll make a fool of myself'), emotional reasoning ('I feel guilty, so I must be a bad person'), so-called 'should statements' ('I should do this' or 'I must do that'), and personalisation (basically a form of paranoia).

 

Whether or not you agree that cognitive distortions are the cause of depression, or merely symptoms of it, there's no denying the evidence that counteracting negative automatic thoughts can have a hugely beneficial effect on the depressed person. In addition, depressed people who recover using cognitive therapy are less likely to suffer depression in the future than those who recover solely using anti-depressants, because the therapy gives the sufferer the tools with which to fight off depression in the first place. Here's how to give it a try.

 

First, draw a table on a piece of paper with the following columns; date, emotion, strength of emotion, situation, automatic thought, rational response, outcome. Now, as you go through the day, record each negative emotion as it occurs, along with the strength of that emotion and the situation you were in at the time.

 

Then, try to identify the negative automatic thought that led to that emotion. This will take some practice, as humans are not used to analysing their thoughts. It may take you quite a while to get used to the idea of looking for the thoughts behind your feelings, but once you can do it, you'll have made a big step in the right direction. Beck compares this to standing by the side of the road counting cars, instead of standing in the middle of the road and letting them hit you.

 

For each automatic thought, write down a rational response. For example, the thought 'I'm a useless mother' can be rationally answered with 'I'm not a useless mother - I may have made a mistake under difficult circumstances, but that doesn't make me a bad parent'.

 

In the last column, record the outcome. Did you believe the rational response? How do you feel now? You'll probably find that you don't believe any of the rational responses at all initially, and that's perfectly normal. It can take a lot of practice before depressed people can identify their negative automatic thoughts, counteract them and believe the responses. But the more times you have the same thought, and write down the same rational response, the more likely you are to start believing that perhaps the rational response is correct after all.

 

 

Negative automatic thoughts and rational responses

 

If you're attempting to counteract your own depression using cognitive therapy - and we recommend that you do - you may find the following useful. It's a selection of negative automatic thoughts and their associated rational responses from the diaries of depressed people. Adding the '(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)' phrase at the start, and 'These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.' at the end of each of your own rational responses may help you believe them. Obviously your thoughts and answers are likely to be different to these, but at least this might give you a guide as to how to fight each thought when it occurs. Note that cognitive therapy can be much easier when carried out with the help of a good psychologist. Ask your doctor for more details.

 

 

This depression will last forever. I will never ever get better.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's not true. It will end because depression always ends. Nearly everybody experiences depression at some time or other. Some get so low that they think about suicide, but nearly all recover. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm really scared.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's pretty natural. The chemicals in my brain are out of balance, so my perception is distorted. Fear is a logical result of that. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Even if I recover, I will never truly enjoy life again.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Not true. I'll look back at this in months or years to come and think "That was a bad time", but I won't remember the details. I will be able to enjoy life 100 percent. Looking back on past pleasures may taint them with the depression of my current mood, but that doesn't mean that they weren't enjoyable at the time, and will be again in the future. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I can't be bothered to do anything today. I'll just stay in bed.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That won't help me get better. First, get up, get dressed and either go for a bike ride or, if it's raining, do some exercises in the house, until I'm sweating and out of breath. Then look at what I can do that will be constructive or fun. Mow the lawn, clear out the shed, put up some shelves, buy a magazine and read it, go to the cinema, etc. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Nothing seems real.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

The thought that things are not real is just a lie created by the depression. Once I am over this, things will again feel completely real. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

This cognitive therapy is just too hard. I'll take a rest from it today.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

No I won't. This is not some sort of game, this is my life. It may be hard, and it may give me headaches and other pains, but I must concentrate hard on combatting all the negative automatic thoughts that come into my head. Once I can successfully combat them, I can realise that they are just lies generated by the temporary chemical imbalance in my brain. Only then will I start to recover from this depression. If I need to rest, wait until late evening when things feel better. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I don't believe any of this.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

So what do I believe? Do I believe that being depressed is the normal state of affairs? Do I believe that I've been depressed all my life, and that anyone who has ever been depressed has stayed depressed? No. I am depressed, it's a temporary chemical imbalance in the brain that is affecting my thought processes by tainting them with negative automatic thoughts. I can get over the depression by being positive and believing what I have written here. I may not believe these words right now, because I'm having a bad time, but they are true and no amount of depression-induced disbelief will change that. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I can't go on, the pain is too much.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Yes I can go on, because eventually I will be well again. If I can't look that far forwards, consider this; do whatever is necessary to occupy myself until the evening, when things get better. That's all it takes; one day at a time and things will improve. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I can't cope; I must take anti-depressants.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Fair enough. If I've really tried my best to cope using cognitive therapy and still things are getting markedly worse (compared with, say, a month ago), then the anti-depressant pills will help. Bear in mind, though, that once I take one I have to continue the course for several months and come off them slowly, and I must also continue with the cognitive therapy and change my lifestyle to a more sensible, enjoyable one. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Depression is the only reality.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

No it isn't. Before this happened, I didn't even really know what depression was. This will pass and I'll be free of it again. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Life isn't fair

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's right. Life isn't fair, it just is. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. This depression is one of the bad things, but it will pass, and life will be enjoyable again. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

This cognitive therapy doesn't work.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Don't jump to conclusions. Considering the length of time I've been depressed, I can't really expect everything to get better in just a week or a month. If it's taken nearly three months for me to get this low, it may well take me just as long to get back up again. Be patient, continue the therapy and I will get better. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Therapy only works on simple people.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's unlikely. Depression affects a lot of people, including intelligent and creative people. Therapy merely teaches me to see the depression for what it is, and counteract it. Saying that it won't work on me is just a negative automatic thought. I am strong enough to get through this. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm getting a headache with all this thinking.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's OK, I'm working hard at helping myself. Initially this therapy will be difficult, of course, but it will get easier as time goes by, until eventually it will become an automatic part of my life, like breathing or eating. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

This weather is really gloomy.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's true, but clouds and darkness on the outside can't hurt me. So it's a gloomy day, so what? That doesn't stop me doing anything, does it? I may not feel too cheerful, but it's only weather, it can't hurt. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm not used to concentrating on my negative thoughts.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

It is a bit strange, but it's actually very good for me. All of these bad thoughts are negative automatic ones generated by the temporary chemical imbalance in my brain. They can all be countered with the truth, at which point they are harmless. This thought technique will give me a more positive outlook on life once the depression is passed. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

This thought is really frightening; I don't want to deal with it. I'll just forget about it.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

No I won't. It doesn't matter how hard it is to deal with, I will face it and examine it rationally and logically. I must remember that these thoughts are not real; they are just symptoms of depression - negative automatic thoughts. Each time one appears I can face it, examine it and see it for the lie that it is. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

But there are just so many of these thoughts.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

My brain is a complex thing, and the depressed part of it is trying as hard as it can to make me feel down, by coming up with new and ever more unrealistic black thoughts. They're nothing, not real. I can defeat all of them. I should remember that 50 or even 100 thoughts may need to be written down before the depression starts to lift. Who knows, I may need to record even more than that, but it doesn't matter; I will get over it. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

These bad thoughts are so strong.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

They may be strong, but they're not real and they don't apply to me. They just come from the part of my brain that's suffering from a temporary chemical imbalance. Instead of worrying about them, just recognise that they are negative automatic thoughts. Count them, shoot them down, dodge them, do whatever I want to do mentally, but don't take any notice of them. They aren't real, they won't affect my sanity and they can't hurt the real me. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I feel detached, as though I'm watching my life take place but I'm not taking part.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

This is a tough one to bear, isn't it? It's called depersonalisation, and is a classic symptom of depression. There's not much to say except that it will pass, as will all the other symptoms. Remember that I am a single entity - body, brain and mind are all one, and what affects one will affect the other. The detachment will pass, but for the moment, just concentrate on this cognitive therapy and be thankful for what I have in life. I may feel that I can't touch what I love at the moment, but that will pass soon enough. Remember that classic description of depression; the bell-jar. That means that I can see the rest of reality but not quite touch it. Like everything else it will pass with time and concentration. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm really worried about the future.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

There's no need to be. I can concentrate on the present. I should relax, enjoy myself and generally have fun. The future will take care of itself. I can neither predict it nor control it, which makes it all the more exciting. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I feel hot, flushed, sweating and/or nervous.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's OK. These are normal symptoms of depression/anxiety, so don't worry too much about such things. Go for a walk in the cold air and things will get better. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

The raging in my head is just too fierce. I want to curl up and cry.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Fighting depression is not easy, but I should also be aware of the causes for my current state, namely over-work, possibly with a sprinkling of SAD. Taking a holiday somewhere sunny would probably be a really good idea, as would doing considerably less work, exercising a lot and going out in the evening with friends. Keep in touch with family, take up new pursuits, and enjoy the good things in life. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I feel good at the moment, but I know I'll feel bad again later, or tomorrow morning.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

This negative automatic thought is the wrong way round; the truth is that I feel good now and the chances are I will feel good again, even if there's a temporary lapse - which there may not be. If there is a lapse, I'll recover again. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm on my own. I'm scared of my own company.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

I've been perfectly happy with my own company in the past. What I'm scared of is not my own company but the thought that the depression will get to me if I stop to think. There's no need to be scared. I have the mental weapons with which to combat the depression. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm feeling better already, but it must be false; this cognitive therapy is just providing the illusion of wellness.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Without getting too metaphysical here, how can I feel good if I'm not feeling good? That's like saying 'My leg is broken, but really it's not broken'. If I'm feeling better, then I'm feeling better. If I have the nagging feeling at the back of my mind that things aren't quite right, that's just negative automatic thoughts, probably of the 'This will never end' and 'I'm really concerned about the future' variety. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

But I don't feel particularly happy today.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

What do I expect, permanent joy? Nobody in the world is permanently happy. Some days are good, some days are average, some days are crap. That's life. Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean that I'm depressed. There's a big difference, and although it may take me some time to realise it, that is a perfectly normal - and necessary - aspect of life. So don't worry. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm still having bad dreams, so I must still be depressed.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

There are two things to consider here. First, I can't do cognitive therapy in my sleep, so if there is still a chemical imbalance in my brain, it may appear in the shape of bad dreams. But secondly, I've had bad dreams in the past, so it's really nothing to worry about. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm living life automatically. I'm not thinking about what I do. I'm so shallow.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

I am not shallow, and I am thinking about what I do. But because I am nearly over this depression, I'm not thinking about everything I do from the perspective of how it will affect my future life in years to come. In other words, I'm living life as it comes and enjoying the moment, which is exactly what I should be doing. I don't need the deep insights of depression. I know that I have to change my life - work less, play more - so the depression would now just get in the way of me changing my life appropriately. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm a horrible person.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Am I? Some days I may be a bit grumpy, but that's the same for everyone. Most of the time, though, I'm pleasant to people, not rude or insulting. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I feel a bit light-headed, disconnected.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

This seems to happen mostly in the mornings. I think it's partly due to the remnants of last night's dreams, whether I remember them or not, but it's also a form of depersonalisation. Don't worry about it, just go through it and remember the last time of clarity. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Why do I need to do this therapy? Why can't I sort myself out on my own?

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

I am sorting myself out on my own. That's exactly what I am doing with this therapy. When I get a bad thought, I'm analysing it and seeing whether it's true or not. So far they've all been false, so there's no need for me to be depressed. Once I have answered all the negative automatic thoughts, I will start to get better. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

This is a truly awful thing to have happened to me. I'm just so upset by it.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

Try not to be too melodramatic. I've experienced some bad times recently, but they were due to an illness, nothing else. I can get on with enjoying life, changing some aspects of my lifestyle to make sure that nothing like this ever happens again. That's really all there is to it. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

These feelings are weird. This can't be depression, it's something else.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

No it's not, it's most definitely depression. Depression includes feelings of anxiety, stress, choking, panic, depersonalisation, fear of the future, loss of self-esteem, paranoia, etc., etc. There are so many symptoms, and all the symptoms I have felt and am feeling are due to depression, nothing more. Time, rest and most importantly this cognitive therapy will allow me to recover from this completely. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm scared to relax and be myself in case I relapse or do something silly.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

There's no need to be scared. Since I've been depressed I haven't done anything irrational, and everything I've written has been sensible and reasoned. I can relax and enjoy my life without planning how a particular event will go. There's no reason at all to be scared. I am a sensible person and depression doesn't change that. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

I'm thinking too much.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

That's OK. This is partly due to the depersonalisation, which will pass given time, and partly due to the fact that I'm busy watching my negative automatic thoughts. Just as long as I know when to relax and enjoy myself (which I will), all will be well. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Once this is over, I'll go back to my old routine and mess it up again.

 

(remember: this is a negative automatic thought)

No chance. I've been through Hell, and I'm not repeating that again. It's been horrible, and I know that my lifestyle must change. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

When I think of my past I get nostalgic and a bit low.

 

(remember; this is a negative automatic thought).

Why? With the exception of one or two incidents, my past was interesting, exciting and enjoyable. I made the most of it all at the time and enjoyed myself with good friends, so there's no need for any regrets or other nonsense. Don't worry about such things. My past is what has made me what I am, so remember it with good feelings. I don't want to go back because I've been there. I can move on to new adventures. These bad emotions are not real. They are due to a temporary chemical imbalance in my brain.

 

 

Hope this helps,

Tony, 27, Ireland

[alamo]

Hi there, your posting really hit home with me. My man Franklin, has tons of girlfriends, basically all of his friends are girls. THis was not an issue at the beginning of the relationship because we were so smitten with each other, but as things got more comfortable, and he started to spend time with defferent girls, I have become increasingly jealous. Sometimes it gets to the point that I get distraught and I feel like there is nothign else in my life that matters. I hate this, it is tearing us apart, and it is incredibly destructive to my self esteem and myself in general, not to mention to Franklin, who thinks that I don't trust him. I am slowly pushing him further away. I am curious to know if there is a sort of mood disorder that would be causing this , or am I going to inevitably destroy all of my relationships with this horrid green streak that I have??

[raven]

ok, being a married woman who lost a lot of weight, this is my opinion...

people change..your wife is experiencing incredible feelings of self worth. being overweight is horrible and when you loose that weight people look and act differently towards you. its a high no drug could give you.

my feeling is that men who are married to "fat" women feel safe. you know that she isnt being persued by anyone else, so you feel secure.

its not a bad thing, its just how things happen.

your wife is now basically a different person and you must get to know each other again.

remember just because the body changes, doesnt mean the mind changes. im sure she still loves you very much. embrace the new her and learn to love her all over again. you will find that your depression will disapaear and you will be much happier.

 

good luck,

raven

[Luciana]

It is very hard to diagnose. It makes people very jealous and insecure. Usually trieggered in childhood. I suspect I may have a little (although I never had episodes of cutting myself).

[ceddya]

Here's a article someone sent me on the subject. Maybe it will help. Love ya brother.

 

THE JEZEBEL OF JEALOUSY

 

by Dr. Ken Matto

 

I wish to discuss the hate causing sin of jealousy. I call it Jezebel because jealousy can cause a person to turn on their best friends and cause them all sorts of problems as Queen Jezebel did for King Ahab. At this juncture I would like to include a portion of a sermon which was delivered at Zarephath Community Chapel on August 23, 1992 by Senior Pastor Steve Nash:

 

"Jealousy, resenting the fact that others have something, do something, or are something, that you wish you had, could do, or were.

 

(James 3:14,16 KJV) But if ye have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not, and lie not against the truth. {16} For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work.

 

If jealousy is not repented of, dear friend, and if you’re suffering from that sin, and you don’t deal with it, you don’t let God deal with it in your heart, then jealousy is going to turn to hate. That hate will wind up consuming your entire life, it will control you.

 

I know of a person, I went to school with him, he came into my office one time, I knew something was bothering him and had been for many months, maybe even years. He got red in the face, and he pointed at me and he said, ‘You think I’m angry, I have a right to be angry, look at you,’ he said pointing at me, he goes, ‘you have a family, you have a wife, you have children." He said, ‘you’re a pastor, you completed your education,’ and then he said, ‘I’m not even married I surely don’t have any children, and look I’m unemployed.’ He said that with a hatred towards me.

 

And so jealousy can control you if you don’t let God deal with it. Do you harbor jealousy towards anyone at work? In your community? In the church or even in your own family? I’ve discovered people that claim the name of Christ and have jealousy toward members of their family. So how do you put jealousy to death? First of all, you need to start thanking God for what you have, who you are, and what you can do, because if you don’t you are not going to be anything, you are not going to accomplish anything for God, your mind is on other people too much. Start thanking God for other people, in fact it again it wouldn’t hurt you to go up to someone that you tend to have jealousy towards and say I thank God, and mean it in your heart, for your gift, for your ability, for your position, and I’m going to pray for you and encourage you in any way I can.

 

I’m not telling you be a hypocrite but after much prayer and after God has dealt with you, then you can do that with a pure and clear conscience. So don’t let jealousy control you, it will rob you."

 

I think Pastor Nash has laid down some pertinent principles in reference to jealousy. It is like a cancer that eats at us and eventually ruins us. I am going to give you space to list 5 people which you tend to be jealous of and make them part of your prayer life. It is hard to hate or be jealous when you are praying for them.

 

1

 

2

 

3

 

4

 

5

 

Do you realize that if any of the people you are praying for has a strong ministry, you will become a part of that ministry and not an enemy of it! Think about it!

 

RECOGNIZING JEALOUSY

 

If we are to put to death this vile sin, then we must know some signs of it’s existence in our lives. Knowing we possess a certain negative trait is half the battle won toward eliminating it. Here are some questions and statements to deal with if you believe you have envy toward anyone. Let’s Call the folks we envy Mr. J & Mrs. E (Jealousy and Envy)

 

I must be a hypocrite when Mr. J is present!

 

On the outside I am as sweet as Pecan Pie but on the inside I am like Mt. St. Helens. I am acting like I really like him when I am, in reality, jealous of him in every area. I am to the point of being repulsed by him.

 

I am preoccupied with the things of Mrs. E!

 

I know the Bible tells us to look upon the things of others in Philippians 2:4 but that does not mean we dwell on their goods to covet them. When we find ourselves consistently thinking about the things of others, it is a sure sign of jealousy.

 

I question why God has given Mr. J so much and I have so little!

 

When you begin to make inquiry why one person has so much more than you, it is another sure sign that you are jealous of them. This also applies to covetousness in the mind. One need not reveal how jealous they are verbally, because sins of the mind are equal as sins of deed with God. You can detect envy in a statement like, "If I had his money, I would surely give much more to the church." You see how we can cloak sin in piety.

 

You borrow to buy something you can’t afford!

 

Now I am not speaking of a necessity such as a car or home but I am speaking of the items of luxury you see in Mrs. E’s home and you try to out do her by buying a better set than hers. She may have a 50 watt stereo system and you have only a 25 watt system which works well enough but because you saw hers, you must top it to keep up with her. We previously referred to it as keeping up with the Joneses. There is only jealousy at the heart of that philosophy. Let me back track a minute, if you look for a car and a Chevy will do but you purchase a BMW, you are elevating yourself through hidden jealousy. The same is true of a house. If you can do with a 3 bedroom but buy a 5 bedroom, you do so through hidden jealousy. Weigh your motives on purchases. You become cynical about Mr. J! If you envy Mr. J, you may find yourself becoming very cynical about him in your normal conversation. It is impossible to hold in feelings gone awry or better yet, sinful, they always have a way of escaping. You will also have a change of demeanor whenever Mr. J’s name is mentioned or when he is in your presense.

 

You pre-judge the motives of Mrs. E!

 

When Mrs. E does something nice we tend to judge her motives through our envious eyes. Whenever we view another person through our envy, we are secretly or openly assassinating their character. Even if Mrs. E does do things for the wrong reason, she is accountable to the Lord and not us.

 

We Blame God for Blessing Mr. J!

 

When we envy Mr. J, we will keep asking the question over and over again, why does God keep blessing him the way He does? My friend, that is God’s business! If you believe God has made a mistake, then tell Him that you should be receiving those blessings, but do not be surprised if God blesses Mr. J more in response to your request. You see, God does not answer sinful requests.

 

We find ourselves gossiping about Mrs. E!

 

The more we find ourselves dwelling on the things of others, the more we tend to gossip about them. Since gossip is normally rooted in created scenario, our minds will invent situations and scenarios which we will believe about Mrs. E and we will actually believe them, and pass them on. By the time the gossip is all over the church, Mrs. E’s reputation is ruined and so is the reputation of the one who started the rumor. Whenever you have a desire to say something about someone, check your motive, and then check your tongue, and then check in with Heaven for forgiveness for allowing Satan to motivate you this far in your "vendetta" against someone who may have never hurt you in your life.

 

We may have a hidden desire to see adversity come into the life of Mr. J!

 

Have you ever said or heard said, "I wonder how they would act if they were going through what I am experiencing? This statement tends to have a little jealousy behind it as we believe Mr. J has been living a good life without any problems. We never know what others experience out of our sight.

 

I believe these guidelines are sufficient to open our eyes to this sin. If you had any of these situations in your life then maybe God is raising your attention so you may purge that sin and begin to reclaim your mind for Christ. Now I wish to help you deal with envy, to see you free in your Christian walk. Envy is a great hindrance to Christian growth. Do you realize that you will progress no further in your spiritual life than the sin that is besetting you? You may gain knowledge but knowledge is not spiritual growth! Once the besetting sin is removed, you will grow again.

 

DEALING WITH JEALOUSY

 

Once we discover a root of jealousy in our life, we may proceed to deal with it so we may reclaim our spiritual walk without any of the weight that besets us as Hebrews 12:1 states.

 

1. ADMIT IT TO THE LORD!

 

The Bible teaches in Proverbs 28:13:

 

(Prov 28:13 KJV) He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy.

 

If we know we have the even the slightest taint of jealousy in our life and we try to hide it from God, we will go deeper into the sin and eventually it will destroy us. Think about it, God knows anyway so why try to hide it. Proverbs 29:1 states, "He, that being often reproved hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and that without remedy." It is a stern warning that if we are reproved several times for our sins and continue to remain steadfast in them, it could mean our physical destruction. It is better to confess and free ourselves up because if you are jealous of someone, they literally become your master, since you are consistently focused on them.

 

2. IF YOU HAVE VERBALLY OFFENDED THE ONE YOU ENVY, ADMIT IT TO THEM. IF NOT, DEAL WITH IT PRIVATELY OR WITH ANOTHER FRIEND, WHO WILL NOT JUSTIFY YOUR SIN. (MATTHEW 18:15)

 

If your jealousy is in your mind, then deal with it without making the person aware of your jealousy. At a future time you may wish to tell that person but wait until it is all out of your system. If you tell them, they may be shocked that someone is jealous of them, and a new friendship may start.

 

3. LEARN THE PRINCIPLES OF COMMITMENT

 

Paul lays these principles out for us in Philippians 4:11-13 and they should be dissected and digested. Here are three that should suffice in getting you on the road back.

 

(Phil 4:11-13 KJV) Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. {12} I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. {13} I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

 

A. Be Satisfied With What You Have

 

You do not need anymore than God has supplied for you at this moment in time. Where we get into trouble is we think we need something when in essense we want something. To think we need more than God supplies is to indict God that He is unable to supply our needs. To further strengthen that indictment, Satan gives us credit cards to fulfill our desires while withholding the fact that credit cards can ruin us financially. The proper use of credit cards are not sin, the abuse of them are.

 

B. God Allows You To Be Strong In One Area But Lacking In Another.

 

God will allow us to want in some areas for the purpose of keeping us faithful to Him. If He gave us everything we wanted, how many of us would live to be 70. (He who has ears to hear.) God wants us to fellowship with Him and come to Him with both praise and needs. The Lord Jesus Christ stressed prayer as a vital part of the disciple’s prayer. If all things were supplied, how much would you pray and how faithful to God would you be with many things. What about Moses in the wilderness, all things they needed were supplied, but at the time of need, it was their greed and desires that got them into trouble. Read Psalm 106:13-18!

 

C. Contentment Is Learning To Trust God In Your Present Situation!

 

Contentment is learning to trust God completely. It is easy to thank God when He has abundantly blessed us but to thank God for areas of need is another story. When Joseph was placed in prison, he learned to trust God through his ordeal and the outcome was promotion to Governor of Egypt. God was preparing him for a certain task. When we are in a need situation, God is also preparing us for something and to realize that God is engineering our circumstances for a certain outcome will bring great contentment to us if we continue to bask in His loving care.

 

Look at the people in the Scriptures who trusted God in their present circumstances:

 

Peter in prison - Acts 12

 

Paul in prison - Acts 16

 

Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20

 

Abraham in Genesis 22

 

You back when________________________

 

If we would look around us we will count many more blessings than we realize we have.

 

As with loneliness, the principles to help you escape the trap of jealousy are not earth shaking but are grass roots biblical principles. To help ourselves out of the pit of sin does not require a 500 page book written by a school full of psychobabblers rather it just takes an earnest study of the Scriptures and a true desire to be free from sin which will stultify your Christian walk. Jealousy is a sin which must be rebuffed, as Pastor Nash stated, "that jealousy is going to turn to hate." Last one out turn off the lights.