The One Year Mark

[Artop]

Sword, excellent message.

I passed the one year mark few months ago. Now looking back, I can't believe how much saddness I suffered from the breakup. It was touch and go the first 6 months, but I told myself, don't put your life on hold for someone who doesn't deserve it. I then began to see I was gaining ground.

 

the Ex and our relationship had become a semi-distant memory for me,now. I still think about him at times, but with a weird emotional detachment.

 

Three things I had not believed a year ago now all make sense:

1. Time heals.

2. No contact.

3. If they don't want to be with you, you need to let them go.

 

Good luck on your journey.

[Wandering_Sword]

Thanks Artop and cristal Time is truly the only cure for a broken heart and because we live in a world where things come quickly and speed is revered, to essentially wait for time to pass (while keeping yourself busy) is tantamount to slow death (which it feels like).

[lisa1126]

Thank you, all, for posting and sharing your post breaup journey.

I am in the process of breaking up, just starting, can't sleep, can't eat, every second is too long, too painful...i can't imagine how i will get through this day, much less next hour...but in my mind, i know, this will pass, and reading posts here helps a great deal, you guys, truly help!

 

but the pain is here, and is overwhelming...but i know, time is a healer, even if you can't and won't do anything else.

[Wandering_Sword]

Just hang tough. As long as you can address the breakup and try to heal, time will run its course and you'll be fine. One day you'll wonder why you ever felt the way you did

[sunday13]

Andy,

 

I remember you from a year ago. What you wrote was a perfect meditation on how the healing sometimes goes.

 

I am reminded by what Mother Teresa said on love. She said, "The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done."

[Wandering_Sword]

Here it goes... Its been three years since my EX broke up with me and when I look back on it now, I can't believe three years have passed. I didn't

remember today was the day my EX broke up with me until my smartphone starting chiming to remind me to write this entry for this thread which I started three years ago to document my thoughts and what changes have occurred since my EX left.

As it stands, things are going great and I did meet someone new and we're getting married next year in April. She's fantastic has all the good qualities I

loved about my EX but none of the bad ones but still unique and a strength of character that I would have dismissed or overlooked if I had continued to dwell on my past relationship.

It was difficult at first to get through the "what ifs" but once I let that go and any misgivings I may have had in the relationship I can could truly move

on with my life. And move I did,new job, seeing parts of the world, old and new friends and a love that is more suited to me.

I understand now that cliched saying "that time heals all wounds." Never has there been a truer statement. When I was first going through my breakup trying to picture three years into the future was tantamount to walking in Hell backwards on my hands. All I saw was a black hole that could not be filled if my EX wasn't by my side. But as I learned, if I gave myself a goal(s) to look forward to then it wasn't so bad. And it became even better when I took it day by day. As I look back, three years is not a lot of time but I certainly made full use of it and as bad as it may seem, my EX did me a favour by leaving. Her

departure pushed me in a direction that would have taken me a decade to get to but I was so honed that I'm ahead of schedule!

What I'm trying to say to my fellow love lost is that in every bad situation there is always a good, no matter how small that good is, it is a good that can grow and flourish like a tree. All you have to do is nurture it and give it the attention IT (and not the EX that left) needs and you will truly reap what

you have sown (as biblical as it sounds).

I understand how difficult it sounds and some of you reading this may scoff but if you are intent on moving forward, in a couple of years time you'll look

back and see the the same thing as I'm seeing. I'm not kidding. But for those that can't appreciate my three year thread going on to four here's a

distilled version:

 

1.) Weep, cry and flail on the ground as much as you like after the EX has left. Cry like a little baby and then cry some more. Even macho men can beseech God and fill buckets with tears, there is no shame here.

 

2.) Try to get back the EX. Make ludicrous promises, give flowers, write bad poetry, be their sex puppet, whatever you think will get them back (but nothing will work or else you wouldn't be reading this ). Hopefully this will have exhausted you and will have left your system after you finally realize how

humiliating it must have looked doing all this for a person that is not truly with you any longer.

 

3.) Now begins the hard work... Start working out. Not because it will make you buff and healthy but the endorphins released will give you a natural high

that will help you in making the days pass easier and thinking positive. Moping all day in your fuzzy slippers and frumpy bathrobe is fine some time but not all of the time. Bonus, working out gets you healthy and allows you to meet others *wink wink*

 

4.) Set some goals for yourself. I'm not saying something exaggerated like I'll be CEO of my company (unless you're already on that path) or a billionaire. More like saving towards that new car, getting a better job, fixing up the house or any goal within your realm of possibility. You can strive for more but I believe in learning to walk before you run.

 

5.) Travel. See new sights and explore new places, the world is a lot more bigger then your front lawn and your drive to the grocery store and work. With today's economy you can grab some great deals too. Another plus is getting to meet people and realizing that the breakup compared to the entirety of YOUR LIFE is like a grain of sand on the beach.

 

6.) Be with friends and family. Enough said.

 

7.) Experience each and every day. When a new day starts, approach it with verve, try to learn something new and live it! Don't try counting down how many days you have not spoken to your EX or figuring out NC (No Contact). You should not even be thinking about the EX, this is your time, be selfish and think about yourself.

 

There will be times when your EX will cross your mind and that's fine but until you can approach it objectively and you have accomplished all that you have

set out to do and met all the people you can meet, DO NOT even entertain the idea of contacting them. Besides, they are still thinking about you on some level and so you're not completely forgotten. Heck, my EX tried contacting me three days ago and this is from the person that left me for another. It just proves that nothing is never what it seems.

Before I close off my rant, I want you all to think positive, keep what's inside of you beautiful and don't let the former relationship make you bitter,

angry or resentful because that can really twist you up and it will show on the outside. People can see it (don't know how but they do) no matter how well you think you're hiding it and all it does is feed into a vicious cycle of you being more alone and angry at the world and your EX.

So for my fellow denizens of eNotalone, shoot for the moon and the worst that can happen is that you miss and you land among the stars.

[cristal]

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! And yeah, time is and has always been, the greatest healer.

 

Good luck with your new family!

[Wandering_Sword]

Can't believe four years have gone by! And here's a quick recap of what has happened over the course of the year:

-I'm now married and happily expecting a child.

-Bought a new home

-Bought an SUV to haul around new baby and gear

-Joined a volleyball team

-Made new friends

There were some other things but these were the biggest of them that I could pull off the top of my head. And the crazy thing is I would have never achieved any of this if I did not move forward with my life.

I met the love of my life (which would have sounded ludicrous to me when my EX left) and I could never imagine my life without her. The time we spend together is so indescribable and beautiful that I could not remember a time without her. And it scares me to think that I could have bypassed all this if I had stayed in the quagmire of a broken relationship.

I've been saying this for the past four years and I'll say it again. Get a hold of yourself, love yourself, forgive your EX for leaving (whatever the circumstances) and just move forward with your life. There is too much to see and do, and so many people to meet and in order for you to have a chance, you have to give them a chance.

I'm not saying jump into another relationship immediately but to take some time evaluate, do a self-inventory and understand yourself. Getting into a new relationship is the not the only indicator of moving forward. Hell, I was moving forward way before I got into another relationship and the only reason I even met my wife was because I was myself (improved) again and I wasn't weepy and clinging on the vestiges of a long ceased relationship.

Incidentally, my EX called me in July and told me she made a mistake and was wondering if we could have another chance. My obvious answer was no but it wasn't a harsh no. We talked for about 20 minutes and the guy she left me for didn't turn out to be who she thought to be. I told her I was sorry that it didn't work and I that hoped it had for her.

She asked me if I was serious when I said that and I said I was. I told her I wasn't mad at her for leaving me, but unhappy our relationship ended and that at the end of the day I had hoped she would find the happiness that I could not provide. And why would I begrudge someone for trying to find happiness in their life?

She asked at the end of the conversation if she could call me again or meet for coffee and I said it wasn't possible. She sounded disappointed but before she got off the phone I told her I hoped things would work out for her and that her happiness is out there.

Now many of you are probably thinking if she doesn't mean anything to you anymore or that you have moved on what is the harm of re-establishing contact? There isn't but for me I don't see any point. I can't explain it, it just seems moot and there are so many other things going on in my life that I rather be doing those things than meeting up with her. And I believe that things in the past should stay in the past.

Hopefully this thread has helped someone. I don't plan on making a fifth entry in 2011 as I'll probably be busy with a little one and my wife will need my attention from here on out. I wish the best for all of you and I hope you eventually smile because you all deserve it even though you may think your life has ended. Just remember, what you're going through is a small hiccup and once that passes the world is yours for the taking.

[engraved2008]

I can tell you really love writing...it probably helped you a lot....its incredible how the universe shapes our destiny...my ex was the best chapter in the book of my life at one time,but that book closed and i have to embrace love again one day....amazing thread.

[fuddiduddy]

Wow for someone to have come back annually on each of the 3 or 4 anniversaries of their breakup is truly a gift for ALL of us heartbroken souls here. It truly is.

 

I know from own experience, that I'm one of those types that once I've healed, I neglect to return to ENA to offer updates. (I guess, in a humorous way, it's akin to visiting the hospital to chat with the staff long after you've been released, healed and doing better, LOL).

 

But I am soooo glad for wandering_sword and I can't describe the level of hope and optimism his updating has afforded me.

 

Bless you sir!

[theartofruin]

Thanks a lot for writing these updates, they do help. I'm going through a painful breakup right now and I know eventually I'll get over it (I have in the past!) but it's always nice to hear a personal story just to convince me. I'm already making plans and setting goals, it's just gonna take a while. You're right, at the moment it almost seems as if my future without 'her' is pointless, empty, and there's no way I can possibly be happy without her; but those thoughts will fade eventually, and maybe one day I'll even look back and laugh at how distraught I was!

 

Congratulations on the marriage, and all the best with your new life!

[Wandering_Sword]

I'm glad people are getting something out of my experience. And what is the point of coming here, getting a hold of your life after a breakup and not sharing how you did it? There are so many other people out there that feel just as lost and sometimes a personal story helps to put things in perspective.

[Minx2012]

Dear Andy,

 

I actually cried when I read this. I don't know if it's bc I love to write as I critically think about things around me...but I can tell that you have moved a lot of people with the first time you ever posted this thread in 2007. The reason being is that we have plenty of similarities...I am a natural world traveler and I have been very lucky to be educated in international schools that allowed me to succeed in great universities with degrees that carried me around the world at this young age of 31 years old. For my age, I have seen so much of this world ( I grew up in the Mediterranean, Middle East, Europe, worked in Asia for 4 long years and now am back to do my MBA in International Development ). I am going through the most difficult break up now. My boyfriend ( who I traveled with around the world ) dumped me around 5 days ago. And the only thing I can think of is to disappear into this world and be able to reach your place / situation one day, in the future.

 

So, I am done my MBA this June...and Europe is calling me again. I have a feeling that I will go through the same path as you...to rediscover my REAL love : Myself and this world. I love this world so much and your post has inspired me to tell everyone out there that reads it, that there is something MUCH BIGGER than your ex. There's life, adventure, excitement, new challenges and opportunities and LOVE again.

 

The most brilliant thing about what you have done for others is show that the beauty of NC does work...and that it does bring you greater things in life.

[Minx2012]

Dear Andy,

 

I actually cried when I read this. I don't know if it's bc I love to write as I critically think about things around me...but I can tell that you have moved a lot of people with the first time you ever posted this thread in 2007. The reason being is that we have plenty of similarities...I am a natural world traveler and I have been very lucky to be educated in international schools that allowed me to succeed in great universities with degrees that carried me around the world at this young age of 31 years old. For my age, I have seen so much of this world ( I grew up in the Mediterranean, Middle East, Europe, worked in Asia for 4 long years and now am back to do my MBA in International Development ). I am going through the most difficult break up now. My boyfriend ( who I traveled with around the world ) dumped me around 5 days ago. And the only thing I can think of is to disappear into this world and be able to reach your place / situation one day, in the future.

 

So, I am done my MBA this June...and Europe is calling me again. I have a feeling that I will go through the same path as you...to rediscover my REAL love : Myself and this world. I love this world so much and your post has inspired me to tell everyone out there that reads it, that there is something MUCH BIGGER than your ex. There's life, adventure, excitement, new challenges and opportunities and LOVE again.

 

The most brilliant thing about what you have done for others is show that the beauty of NC does work...and that it does bring you greater things in life.

[damagedatbest]

Andy,

I just cried reading all of your posts. If only one day I can be as big of a person as you and truly and gracefully be able to wish happiness and good things for my x. Kudos to you and just know that your amazing words have made me do some deep reflection tonite about the concept of forgiveness. You are a good man. Congrats on the great woman and the baby on the way. All the best.

[Wandering_Sword]

Thanks damagedatbest and Boheme, I'm happy people can see that life doesn't end when the EX leaves. And when I look back on it since, I can't believe how I thought things were so dark when they were not. The sun still rose and people still went about their business but my mindset was so incredibly narrow that all I could see was my EX leaving and nothing else. And it seems so impossible that I put my EX so high up on that pedestal (though I never did before the breakup) that she was a goddess after she left with another guy! Anyone outside of it would have said I was crazy, but I couldn't see it. As I think about it now I can't help but give myself a mental face palm.

[Wandering_Sword]

Every so often I pop on here and read the posts and try to offer some advice from my own experiences and it saddens me that there are so many hurting and lost, looking for answers that don't come easily or even exist. For those seeking some direction, please indulge me and read through this thread. The title is misleading as it actually shows my progress from year one to year four (my final post). I created this thread because I realized that almost nobody shows up again once they resolve their problems and it is them that have the answers or experiences that can contribute the most to the those in pain. For me it was to document my transitions and to allow me to see what changes occurred from one year to the next.

 

Here goes a bumpity bump from the past...

[mbee]

This is already inspiring to me and I haven't finished reading it yet. Thanks for bumping! I'm also 3 months out of a traumatic breakup but am about to go on a crazy journey myself. Costa Rica in a few weeks and just got an offer from my job to move to Australia with my company. I still miss my ex dearly but he's messed things up to the point of no return. Now I need to work on re-building myself. Thank you for returning and updating us. It's nice to see someone have something motivational and inspiring to say after such a long time. I hope you are still very happy and enjoying the married life with a child. I hope we all find that joy sometime in our future!

[Firesite]

This is really a great thread I was wondering if you could update us on your life and if you have found anyone who you care about? Four years is a long time and I would love to hear how your doing

[mbee]

This is really a great thread I was wondering if you could update us on your life and if you have found anyone who you care about? Four years is a long time and I would love to hear how your doing

 

Hey firesite, he gave an update on the page before this. Looks like he's happily married and has a kid.

[Wandering_Sword]

This is really a great thread I was wondering if you could update us on your life and if you have found anyone who you care about? Four years is a long time and I would love to hear how your doing

 

things are well and my wife and i just had our third child it always scares me how close i was to not having any of this if i had not stepped away and try to find happiness that is inherent to me.

of the time i took to "wander" the planet i have come away with one truth and that is you (the person who is in pain) has to find happiness within yourself; the happiness is rooted to you so that no matter what happens nothing can take it away.

for example, just by reading through all the posts one common theme underlying all the posts about trying to get back together is this, how happy their lives would be if their EXs came back. and this is where i see a problem, their happiness is determined by another's action.

i believe that if you have found that happiness within yourself than you can move forward with your life, meet new people, do new things and experience living where you are longer defined by your sorrow and whether Person X will one day walk back into your life or not.

[LAMBS4LIONS]

An absolutely terrific post! WS, you my friend are the epitome of a success story! You truly took the time needed to work on yourself and reflect on your relationship with your ex and now you are reaping the benefits.

 

Many times people cant stand the notion of being alone and taking some time for oneself to grow and be happy alone. Many people find it much easier to dull or ease the pain of a breakup with some kind of distraction (another relationship, drugs, alcohol, etc.) Luckily, you made the right choice and took time to do its thing. I like you have followed the tough and grueling road to recovery. I didn't want to mask the pain, anger, resentment, sorrow and despair. I wanted to confront it head on and as difficult as I found it to be at times I knew that it would pass and that I would become stronger from it. Unfortunately I am on a much longer time frame than you but I have come to embrace it. Its been over 1.5 years (NC the entire time except a couple of emails from me and only a single message from her letting me know she was engaged). that my ex forced me to leave her because I knew that she didn't love me any longer and as much as she said she loved did, I saw it in her eyes. There was no denying the absence of love on her part (this after I took her back for leaving me for someone else). She was too much of a coward to pull the plug and so I did it for her but before we parted I let her know how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. My ex and I were high school sweet hearts and we lasted 12 years and yet she was engaged in less than a year after our breakup. It still stings like hell but I have remained dedicated on NC because I know that there is nothing but grief and pain if I were to break it. She even contacted me a couple of months ago by phone for the first time since the breakup but I couldn't and didn't want to pick up because I knew It would do me no good. What could she tell me anyways after letting me know of her engagement. I have everything else going in life and enjoying being single and will be for a while because I want to be happy on my very own and fully healed before I give myself to someone else.

 

For all those still suffering and feeling the immense heartache, there is hope as long as you do what's necessary and take the time to work on yourself.

[Wandering_Sword]

Ten years... A decade... These were the words going through my head when my EX left me all those years ago. I tried picturing my life without her and it was so hard and hurtful that it held me back from getting on with my life. But now sitting at the ten years and looking back it was a little dramatic (for a guy like me) and unnecessary. All I can do now is just give my head a shake and laugh at my foolishness.

And no, after all these years there is no magic pill I can convey about easing the hurt and rejection. No new way of thinking that will instantly take away the dread or loneliness. But what I can tell you after these ten years that make the coming days, weeks, months and years better is to keep moving. Yes, that is what I said. Above everything else, above NC, above keeping with your friends, above all the self-help books in the world, is to just keep moving. I'm not saying any or all of these things don't work, if something works for you keep doing it but never forget to keep moving.

Think ahead to the immediate future like a really great movie opening in a month (looking forward to that Rogue One movie!) that you want to see. Do that for a bit and stretch that "future-view" to a few more months and a few more months after that. And in no time you will see years down the road, your plans, the goals and the path to achieving them. And you will, believe it or not have moved from that horrible little (and it is a little spot) point in your life and realize that the force of your life and living it will make this one single, tiny event that was so big and so insurmountable nothing but a speck.

My advice will not guarantee you a partner, marriage or a love for the ages. But will bring you back to focus on what is important and that is You. You, the one who gets up in the morning. You, who will contribute to this great world of ours. You, to help another out that is in pain.

This will be my last post to this thread, I will be around to rally behind you and offer whatever advice I can and know I'm that guy behind you giving you the thumbs up but this thread and my experiences have come to the best possible understanding I have in how to deal with a break up with a significant other. There is no more I can say except for "keep moving." There are so many things to see and do, it does not make sense to stay where you are. You will never know what delightful surprises life will hold for you if don't take that first step. Stop reading this now and get going *smiles*.

[eldasensei]

I honestly think this is the best thread ever.

 

Wandering Sword i've read your thread before. And seeing how it ended and still goes on gave me a big smile on my face.t elling your whole story from broken hearted towards a heart filled with his own joy and adventures. From a marriage to three beautifull children. I've read it all and I encourage everyone on this site to do the same. It gives something that most people lose with a broken hearth. And that is perspective.

 

Thankyou for everything Wandering Sword. I'm wishing you a lot more beautifull things on your path.