what should i do now? n/c

[demolition_lover88]

my boyfriend and i had an argument at the weekend (see earlier post), but since then he hasn't contacted me, although before i left his house at the weekend he reasurred me everything was ok now.

 

the only contact i've had with him is yesterday. i called him yesterday on my lunch break and he answered. he said he was driving home from the dentist and he seemed really distant so the conversation didnt last long. he also didnt say he loved me at the end of the conversation, which is the norm for us.

 

i've tried ringing, all to no reply and also texting. i havent mentioned anything about the argument, just asked him to get in touch with me.

 

not sure where to go from here. im not sure this calling and texting is getting me anywhere.

[findingmeandyou]

I read your other post. I can't imagine how you are feeling. It must be ripping you apart that he's ignoring you. It's very insensitive and immature of him, I must comment. I had a girlfriend do that to me in the past. She'd be messing around with other guys, and then when I called her out on it, she'd ignore ME and telling me I was being mean to her...! It was just a tactic to distract the conversation from the truth...

 

After all, that other girl told you he was being flirty. That was not respectful to you. It's like he's punishing you for standing up for yourself that's not right, in my opinion.

 

If I were you, as much as it might pain you, I would leave him alone for now. Eventually, I believe that he will come back to you and respond.

 

You mentioned that he knows that your ex cheated on you. He should be understanding of that.

[demolition_lover88]

i can see where you are coming from, we've never actually spoke about what that girl said. Instead i now feel guilty for saying anything infront of friends and i feel as though im in the wrong. I sometimes think the same...maybe its a tactic to distract the conversation.

 

I think if it was the other way around. He would have reacted the same...and would probably be ignoring ME now. Infact i know this would be the case.

 

I dont like ringing him and texting all the time, i just dont want him to think that i dont care about resolving this.

[findingmeandyou]

i just dont want him to think that i dont care about resolving this.

 

 

I see this kind of thing all the time. Didn't you say that you keep texting/calling him and he doesn't respond?

 

YOU are taking steps to resolve this.

 

HE was the one who did wrong here. Yes, you could have been more tactful in the situation, but honestly, when people get upset about things, we do and say things that are not rational. That's just human nature.

 

NOW...think about this.

 

HE should be the one calling/texting YOU to explain and say that he's sorry. He did wrong and now you feel like you have to go crawling back to him. You are making so much effort, and he's just ignoring you.

 

Do you see how backwards this situation is?

 

Trust me on this one, honey. I've been there before. Google "gaslighting" and you will learn more about this. It's really a form of emotional abuse.

[DN]

The fact that another girl told you he was flirty doesn't mean that he was - just that she thought he was and different people have different standards of what 'flirting' means. I cannot agree that he was the one at fault here.

 

I also read your post and what you did to him in front of his friends may take him a little time to get over.

 

It is also very upsetting for people to be judged by the behaviour of a partner's ex. And since he now feels you don't trust him because of what some girl said and that he feels he has done nothing to earn that distrust it could be that he is wondering if he should be with someone with baggage from a previous relationship that he is expected to carry.

 

I think it might be worthwhile asking to see him to firstly apologise properly and secondly to assure him that this sort of thing won't happen again. I understand you have apologised but this may be a bigger thing in his mind than it first appeared.

 

Of course, it is also possible that his teeth hurt and he doesn't want to talk to anyone.

[demolition_lover88]

'findingmeandyou' are you saying i shouldnt contact him now until he contacts me?

 

i'm just going to read up on that 'gaslighting' from google!

[demolition_lover88]

thank you for replying DN!

 

afterwards i realised it was stupid to listen to a girl who barely knows my partner and may have a different view of what flirting is. i did apologise and i probably wouldnt of mentioned anything if i hadnt been drinking.

 

i'd also like to point out that i didnt make a scene infront of my partners friends. i was just a little frosty, but i apologised for that too.

 

if i havent heard from him by tomorrow i will ask if i can see him. we have a planned over-night trip to London on Sunday night and i dont want to make him miserable by talking about it then.

[findingmeandyou]

'findingmeandyou' are you saying i shouldnt contact him now until he contacts me?

 

i'm just going to read up on that 'gaslighting' from google!

 

I would not contact him anymore. It sounds like you've put more than enough effort into making contact with him. I know what that urge is like - you think maybe this call, or if you word the text this way, the person is just going to crack and return the communication - it's not like that all the time.

 

I'd much rather see you take that time to sort out how you really feel about the situation. Right now, it seems like your judgment is clouded because you are so concerned about getting in touch with him and trying to make things right.

 

I think that he owes you a clarification on what happened that night. It really should be him trying to reach you and to satify this concern of yours.

 

I feel pretty certain that he will get back to you. Most people will in these situations. It just takes time (maybe hours or days). The most important thing for you right now is to relax and consider how you really feel about this.

 

I wish you would think more about yourself and less about him. Even if he did nothing wrong at all, it's very selfish, rude, and disrespectful of him to ignore you like this when you are clearly upset.

[demolition_lover88]

I would not contact him anymore. It sounds like you've put more than enough effort into making contact with him. I know what that urge is like - you think maybe this call, or if you word the text this way, the person is just going to crack and return the communication - it's not like that all the time.

 

its funny! thats exactly what i'm thinking. i think maybe just one more call and he'll answer or if i word a text in a special way he'll read it and ring me straight back, but he doesnt.

 

i guess i'm just thinking about it quite a bit today as i havent been at work.i'm working for the rest of the week now, so i'll be glad to have something to take my mind off it.

 

i just dont want to lose him!

[findingmeandyou]

i just dont want to lose him!

 

I also want you to consider this:

 

Should he not want to lose you too?

[DN]

The danger is that if he is thinking of breaking up with you over this. Two people not talking means misunderstandings cannot be ironed out.

[demolition_lover88]

i'm kinda hoping so.

 

we've been in this situation before. most of my old posts on here involve him ignoring me for days at a time. and then suddenly everything is ok again like nothing happened.

 

dont know how long i can keep it up for!

[DN]

i'm kinda hoping so.

 

we've been in this situation before. most of my old posts on here involve him ignoring me for days at a time. and then suddenly everything is ok again like nothing happened.

 

dont know how long i can keep it up for!

Have you had similar issues to this in the past with him - I mean jealousy issues that caused the problems?

[demolition_lover88]

DN

 

I dont think he is thinking of breaking up with me over this. I think if he was, he would of said something by now. I dont think he'd just never contact me again.

[demolition_lover88]

yes i think all of them were jealously issues, but not on my behalf!

 

sometimes my partner won't talk to me for days on end for no reason.

 

the one issue we had was myspace. although that has since been deleted.

[DN]

I read some of your previous posts - it seems he was the one with jealousy issues before and now it is you.

 

It seems to me that both of you need to start trusting each other and communicating properly. He seems particularly bad at it. So if he does contact you again I think you have two issues to address:

 

one is trust

 

the other is communication.

[demolition_lover88]

the thing is i'm not really sure how to address these issues.

 

i dont want to ask him on the phone if he can come over and talk to me, because it might freak him out.

 

i never know when the right time is to talk about these things, because usually when i see him everything is perfect, and i dont want to risk ruining that.

[findingmeandyou]

the thing is i'm not really sure how to address these issues.

 

i dont want to ask him on the phone if he can come over and talk to me, because it might freak him out.

 

i never know when the right time is to talk about these things, because usually when i see him everything is perfect, and i dont want to risk ruining that.

 

I do agree that you should talk about this in person. What I would suggest is that you bring it up when he gets back to you. Don't talk over the phone. As soon as he gets back, try to plan meeting up in person.

[demolition_lover88]

The next time we are meeting up is on Sunday morning when we are going to London. He will definatly be coming over because we'd book this trip months in advance and i dont think he'd want to cancel our tickets and hotel arrangements. Not really keen on bringing up the subject then...but might be the only chance.

[DN]

the thing is i'm not really sure how to address these issues.

 

i dont want to ask him on the phone if he can come over and talk to me, because it might freak him out.

 

i never know when the right time is to talk about these things, because usually when i see him everything is perfect, and i dont want to risk ruining that.

That is the right time to talk to him about issues because it is calm and peaceful and people are usually more reasonable then. The trick is to do it non-confrontationaly - I can give you a couple of tips about that if you like.

[demolition_lover88]

please DN.

 

Its not going to get me anywhere if i sound confrontational.

[DN]

Ok - I'll send you a pm later this evening.

[findingmeandyou]

please DN.

 

Its not going to get me anywhere if i sound confrontational.

 

just be up front about how you are feeling. he needs to know that.