Moving in together - tips

[tamara78]

Hi Guys,

 

My boyfriend, who I adore, has recently moved in with me (having changed his job and reloacted so that we could be together). He is quite stressed, as is to be expected, although he is being very good about it. However, I am finding myself in new territory having never lived with anyone before (obviously, this is very different to when he was just staying the night! lol) I am finding that I am learning new stuff about him constantly, some of which I adore, some of which are less pleasing (as is to be expected again). Any tips, advice or experiences on moving in together that people could share would be much appreciated.

 

Thank you!

[pacodemil]

Give all the minuses a week or two and see if they still bother you as much and then if they do sit down and talk with him about it. If he loves you I am sure he will be willing to work on some things. Just remember he may ask the same of you in return.

[arwen]

Hey Tamara,

 

I moved in together with my bf in our new home just in september this year. I think what you describe is pretty normal. I had to get used to not having a place that was just mine- luckily I didn't discover any unpleasant new things about my bf. But we were housemates for two years before we got into a relationship, which certainly helps!

 

A couple of important things:

 

* don't take each other for granted. Go on dates regularly.

* agree on cleaning and other chores- with us it went naturally because both of us had our own place and lived independently for over 8 years- I know friends that have bf's who come straight from living with their parents, which sometimes leads to fights!

* keep communicating, about all things that are new in your relationship now.

 

Arwen

[tamara78]

Thanks guys. I will certainly keep that in mind. The things I am noticing since he moved in, and which I don't like are the fact that I feel he takes me for granted and is selfish. I know he is having a tough time with the new job and new city and surroundings but that doesn't justify him asking me to cook him dinner when we both get home tired and he knows I am going out in a second, or that he doesn't say goodbye to me in the mornings when we leave for work, but just turns his back and walks away. Are these huge red flags that I should not shut my eyes to? Or I am just panicking because all this is new to me?

[arwen]

Thanks guys. I will certainly keep that in mind. The things I am noticing since he moved in, and which I don't like are the fact that I feel he takes me for granted and is selfish. I know he is having a tough time with the new job and new city and surroundings but that doesn't justify him asking me to cook him dinner when we both get home tired and he knows I am going out in a second, or that he doesn't say goodbye to me in the mornings when we leave for work, but just turns his back and walks away. Are these huge red flags that I should not shut my eyes to? Or I am just panicking because all this is new to me?

 

Hmmm... Honestly I find that unacceptable behavior on his part, but it may indicate that he finds it a lot harder than he anticipated. I don't know if it is a red flag, but I think you have every reason to start a little heart-to-heart about this. How long have you guys lived together now? Try to solve this before it becomes a pattern!

 

Arwen

[tamara78]

Thanks Arwen, you are a sweetheart. I agree that it is unacceptable behaviour. We have been living together for a few months in our old home city where things were different because he was in his usual surroundings and was with friends. He moved out here to be with me. I know he loves me and cares for me, and I do for him as well, but its just much tougher than I thought it would be (and I didn't think it would be easy). I don't want to come accross as nagging because I know he is having a tough time bit at the same time, I am hating his behaviour over the last week or so and will explode unless I say something. Agreed - we should have a heart to heart tonigh. ANy suggestinons oto say without sounding like I'm nagging?

[arwen]

I think talking is only perceived as 'nagging' if it's merely complaining and blaming the other person. You want a conversation, not an outburst of your feelings, right? Why not simply ask him how he experiences living with you and the new situation? Maybe he will answer and then ask 'why do you ask'? You can then take it from there. I think it's mostly best to really talk about how things feel for YOU without implying he is the direct cause for that. That you like it IF he does a certain thing. Maybe initiate a goodbye kiss by surprising him with one tomorrow, or go out for dinner to break the pattern of two tired people at home and neither wants to cook.

 

Often, it helps to BE the change you want- before you ask the other to change. My bf and I both were very very busy and grumpy in the first months. My bf then said that he somehow felt that some negativity somehow slipped into our relationship. We discovered that this was so because he thought my venting about the day was all I wanted when I came home, when in fact what I need is to be alone for a bit or talk about other stuff (like HIS day, he always thought that if I had a bad day that I wouldn't have space for his sorrows). So we changed that and we're as good as new.

 

Maybe he needs some alone time after he comes home, maybe he likes to have a tea and discuss the day. Living together is not something that will magically be like heaven. It is two persons in one house, who probably have two jobs between them, a house to take care of, different expectations of division of chores, etc. Take time to adjust, and involve him in the process

 

Arwen

[tamara78]

That's great advice - thank you. This is the first time I have lived with a boyfriend so it is all very new to me (same goes for him). I have been living on my own for quite a while before that, so I'm used to my way of living. I will give it a bit more time and then speak to him about it in the manner you suggested and will make every efort not to make it sounds as if I'm placing the blame on him or that he is the cause of any problems we are experiencing. It is still very early days for us and I realise that we have a long way to go before we adjust to sharing the same household.