First day of the rest of my life

[velvetapathy]

So after a rough couple of months of of assorted LC and attempts at NC... I hit a point the other night when I found out my ex was sleeping with her roommate... I know we are broken up however it still hurt like hell. So this is day 1 and I already have 5 voice mail messages and bunches of txt messages that i keep ignoring and deleting..... I can only imagine how much worse it is going to get as every time I have tried this in the past she keeps calling/txting till I cave and let her know what is going on in my life. grr.... why can't some people just let you go when they no longer want to be with you?

[blender]

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult transition...especially because it still stings a bit to hear she "slept with her roommate" but try to remember you have no power or control over how she chooses to handle that issue or the breaking up of your own relationshp, you can only change and adjust how YOU choose to handle it from now on.

 

It's most likely that she "needs" some self assesment to alleviate her own feelings of guilt, or feeling judged... that is HER problem, but unfortunatley she thinks she has to get you to talk about it...because it would make HER feel better.

 

You are going to have to know that you already have a clear picture of her "pattern" here, and that your "caving and letting her know what is going on in your life" is not something you HAVE to do, it might seem like a quick fix to make it all easier for a moment, but that's only temporary. So you're going to have to make a choice to NOT allow yourself to play a part in that "pattern" again.

 

Which means don't "cave', she's not the only one who has to "let go" because apparently if you still feel the urge to "cave in and let her know what's going on in your life' then you haven't truly "let go" either...I'm sure you're still emotionally vulnerable where she's concerned, so take care of yourself here.

 

Many exes have the "selfish curiosity love" where they just can not stand not being able to get an update a "fix" so to speak, it has nothing to do with sincerety most of the time, it's usually an ego type security thing... so don't take her texting and messaging personally, not in a positive or negative way, because it's says so much more about how she feels about HERSELF then it does about how she feels about you.

 

I know it's awfully uncomfortable for you to keep receiving her many texts and messages but unfortunatley if you are truly wanting to STOP playing a part in the "not letting go" pattern you're going to have to change the only part of it YOU have control over and that is your part in it..

 

Unfortunately you are powerless over another person, and your ex is responsible for her own choices, behaviors and issues.

 

So try a healthier approach if you want her to "let go" then start with yourself, by letting go of your own part in this, the: 'caving and telling her all that's going on in your life".. don't do that anymore, it's feeding the not letting go issue...

 

Yes it's going to be tough for awhile, she will be persistent especially once YOUR part in this pattern changes and you do NOT cave in and you just let go, move on, say a prayer for her, realize that she will get over it even if it's tough for her to do so...

 

Have you taken a moment to ask yourself "why" you cave in? What are you getting from it? Why do continue to do this emotionally unhealthy dance with her?

 

Do you think by caving in your somehow helping her? Well, it's not, because it's not a sincere thing to do, it's apparently not what you "want or feel" is right to do, so you're simply putting a bandaid on a wound that either of you are not allowing to heal... so let the air of silence get at it so to speak..

 

if and when you do speak to her again simply say: "I'm not interested in what you are doing in your personal life because we are no longer a couple, and I hope you can respect my privacy as well and stop contacting me, we've seem to fall into a pattern here of hanging on and finding things out about each other, well we need to grow past that, we both need time to regain a bit of healthy perspective on all this and it's best if we don't communicate for awhile.."

 

I know this is so difficult for you, but you do have the power to change your part in this, one step at a time starting with "no contact"... let us know how you're doing. best, blender

[thinkstoohard]

Damn blender, this isn't my thread yet I totally relate to what you're saying. Thanks for the swift kick in the butt and some good insight!!!!!

[velvetapathy]

Have you taken a moment to ask yourself "why" you cave in? What are you getting from it? Why do continue to do this emotionally unhealthy dance with her?

 

Thank you so much for that.... I printed it out and stuck it in the journal I have been keeping it is incredibly inspirational.

 

A part of me wants to get back together with her as our relationship at least i felt was very good there was lots of communication and we rarely if ever fought and when we did there was no heated arguing just lot's of talking. I care about this girl very much However on the same note a part of me just wants everything to be over and for us to never speak again as I do not desire a friendship with her and I think that is what is the hardest part for me to let go of as I truly value the friendship we created while we dated and I know that she does too.

[ftheunion]

He's right, you can't control the universe. It is probably her off of compulsion rather than planned deviance. Just subconsciouss junk. Just wait till its over with her roommate, man that is gonna be hardcore akward for her.............

[blender]

If you truly value "friendship' then it has to be a sincere one. And for right now you're still too emotionally vunerable to be her "friend"... and she is also not ever having to face the consequences of her own choice to not be in a committed relationship with you. Think about it, she gets her "emotional fixes" from you, she doesn't have to make an intentional respectful effort to be in an exclusive loving relationship with you, all she has to do is text, leave a message and there you are... That's not what you want is it?

 

That's not "friendship" that's just a bad emotional habit your both kind of stuck in... it usually leads to resentment on one persons part or both..because it's not defined, it's just "there"...

 

so it's up to you to define who you are...you can still love and care for someone by going no contact, and respecting the truth and letting go of something that is not emotionally healthy or healing for you right now...the choice of no contact during this healing time not only leaves the door open for a future sincere friendship, it also allows the ex the opportunity to discover if they miss you, or have deeper authentic feelings for you...

 

Yes it's hard to break the emotional habit of having contact, even if the contact is heartache inducing at times, it's still contact and if you choose to hang on to it you just have to ask yourself "why" you are doing so..is it working for you? Does it feel sincerely okay for you? if not, then gather up all your courage, let go, get busy with your own life, and she will either discover that she has to do "more of an intentional respectful mature effort" to be in YOUR life if that is what she wants....because her texting, messaging and neediness is not working on you anymore..you're growing past that habit... right?

[blender]

p.s. you might want to check out the poster "Disillusion" his thread entitled "Guilt and NC" you will relate to what he's going through..and some of the replies might help you as well..