I screwed up

[StrangeFellow]

I've a twisted tale to tell you all; one of betrayal and forgiveness, regret and self loathing. I apologize it's coherence as I'm not sure as to the best way to tell it.

 

Note: I just wrote you guys a novel, sorry

 

It had been this way after my freshman year (I'm now a senior), after my first love (or so I had thought) had betrayed me for my friend. I had sank into a solitude for 3 years. I mostly stayed in my basement playing video games, went to school, to work, and home to repeat the cycle; avoiding a society which I at the time hated. All the while half-heartedly trying to find someone to spend my time with, always failing. Yes I had friends, great friends actually, but I wanted something more. I always saw my peers so happy with their partners, not a care in the world for them.

 

Moving on to my senior year, the present. I'd been more social come the end of the previous year and at the beginning of this one. I'd spent the summer with my two buds, partying and hanging out everyday I wasn't too exhausted from work. I'd made some more friends, and resumed being the great guy I had been back in middle school. People had always liked me, I never gave them a reason not to. I do my best to be kind, understanding, generous, just generally as nice as I can be. It makes me happy to see others enjoying my company.

 

Although I'd become more social I had yet to try myself in the dating scene. I don't understand how some people did it, I always ended up injured after the shortest and most pointless relationships. I avoided it completely. But there was this one girl, we'll call her C. C had been my friend N's partner for 2 years, and I had been so jealous of N. She had great humor, intelligence, and she was so caring. She was now single but I felt she was off limits as my friendship with N was more important than a girl.

 

Homecoming night rolls around, I had just worked my skinny little ass off for 8 hours and still felt the need to go the dance. I was prepared to once again go single when who rolls in behind me and hops out of her father's car but C. Quite the surprise for me. Looks like I wasn't going by myself after all. We ditched the dance after a while due to the crowd and sub-par DJ and went walking about the town, me in my kilt, her in her cute little black skirt. We talked and walked, walked and talked for a while then decided to go over to a friends house. It was a great night, I felt I had finally connected with someone.

 

We continued to talk quite a bit for the following month, hanging out allot. But I was confused as to why she kept so much space between us. Everyone told me that she 'liked me,' (teen speak for wants to date you) and I made it apparent that I liked her. She'd let me hold her but still somehow kept room. She'd also give quite a bit of attention to other guys, but it was perhaps just friendly. Yet my envious self took this as interest in other guys. This culminated one night when we were at my house with a group of friends, two of which were dating, N and Co. Somehow C ended up on Co's lap and N was fuming. Poor thing, I felt her pain. Plus I knew that part of her was still attached to N. I finally took this as we were in a simple just fiends situation and angrily moved onto another girl whom I knew had an interest in me.

 

Her name was M. One night at a friends house we began getting pretty physically close; one thing leads to another and we're kissing. This was the first kiss I'd had since my catastrophe freshman year and god damn did it feel good. Something inside me ticked and the animal that had been pent up let loose. I didn't actually take her home to her house that night but to my own. The animal loved it, but my emotions hated it. I was stuck between two consciousness and then primate won. I don't think I really need to explain what happened that night.

 

The next day at school I thought nothing of it. In my mind C and I were over and I had stumbled onto something I could partially understand; until I saw C. She was so torn up about it it's not even fathomable. She had gotten out of a relationship with a * * * * * * * , thought she had found a nice guy, and then look what he does. The fool I was. I ignored it, turned cold again and tried to just live. Yet I couldn't. I stayed in the pseudo-relationship with M until she told me she had a fiancee in New Mexico. Great, I find the one girl in high school with a fiancee.

 

What a mess, the worst part is that I had been falling in love with C before, and still loved her after this. But look, I went and hurt her, nearly killed her in a way. I couldn't function, the regret and self-loathing set into me. I felt I had betrayed her, and in doing so betrayed myself. For your reference I live my life by 2 rules: 1. Be the best person you can be. 2. Be happy. The second follows the first, I'm happy when I'm the best person I can be. Lo and behold I broke my own rule. Tons of weight seemed to fall upon me. I'm now in love with the unattainable, hate myself because I made her impossible, and hate myself because I wounded someone I cared so much about. Oh boy.

 

The days pass, I fall back into depression, become moody, and all the while people are telling me there's nothing wrong with what I did. In our time together there was no official dating happening, she would only show genuine interest in me occasionally, but I clung. I couldn't forgive myself, and actually still can't. Each day crawls by as if I were cold blooded in the arctic. Then somehow C and I begin talking again. At this point I've accepted my consequences of losing her, god knows I deserved to.

 

Then miraculously she forgives me, there's tension but we're talking again, for five hours or so in front of her house in my car to be exact. It was great. Then things seem to go back to the way they were. We talk all the time, spend time together at each opportunity, and she seems to let me closer now. Am I baffled now! But I see this as a opportunity to take advantage of the greatest thing that's happened to me in such a long time. For a while my phone wouldn't receive text messages then all of a sudden a weeks worth is in my inbox and I've got some reading to do. One of the first messages I see is "I think I love you -C." I was ecstatic, overwhelmed with joy, the one thing I've always wanted: love.

 

Last night we went to a Dethklok concert and overall it was great but instead of enjoying the music I began doubting myself again. "You don't deserve this, look how much you * * * * ed up before, she's leading you on, on and on and on this flew through my head as the music blasted" Luckily she had a great time. When I dropped her off she invited me inside to put some ice on my now swollen nose (my nose plus a friends head while both head banging) and I flat out ask her why she kept space between us. She answers by telling me that she's still shook up from the whole incident. When I questioned the "I think I love you" comment she replied that she loved me in the sense that she enjoyed my company and that I make her feel happy. She said we should take everything one day at a time. Okay. I can handle that.

 

It's aparent to my friends and I that she wants to date me but won't. While I'm not sure weather she's over N (it seems like it though) I do know that I lost her trust. I don't think it's repairable either. But after all this I know that I love her, for the past 3 months she's been the only thing I've been able to think about. Her happiness is priority to me and I'm just not sure what to do. She always wants to hang out, or tag along if I have plans. She'll seek me out during passing time, and walk with me.

 

I'm just so confused. I'll be patient yes, I'd wait a million years and then a million more, but that's not the issue. I want to know how I can help her to trust me again, and perhaps trust myself. It's hard to trust yourself when you can't forgive yourself. Somehow it's worse when someone else forgives you and you don't. I'm just so lost.

 

Thanks for reading my throughly screwed up tale, I know it's long but I felt that those details were necessary, I really should have added more. Any advice or comments would be great, Gan knows I need all the input I can get.

 

I love her and can't stop thinking about her. I can't let go of what I've done.

[melrich]

Great, I find the one girl in high school with a fiancee.

 

LOL!

 

Sorry that's beside the point. Maybe I missed the detail because I did skim read this a bit (I only had the 1 hour) but what excatly did you do wrong?

 

I think it sounds like C likes you and I don't get why you are not moving on that?

[pacman]

ok it was alot of reading and im tired but i think get your story.

 

just have a talk with C and be honest about what happened. Tell her you really liked her and were confused about where it was going and thought you had been friendzoned (you said you guys never even kissed) and you thought she still had liked her ex and so you didnt know where to go with it and ended up with that other girl M. Tell her you never cared about M the way you did about her and would never have hooked up with M if you knew the way she felt about you.

 

Dont feel so guilty over it, you werent even together with that girl C at the time. You didnt do anything wrong. You dont have to apologize for anything.

[mintblossom]

from my perspective, yes you did screw up. to be a girl and to know the guy you like screwed another girl? oh......bad bad bad. but what's done can't be undone.

 

the question is:

1. is she willing to give you a chance? yes or no, it's that simple.

2. are you going to do something like that again?

 

i think it boils down to these two things.

[StrangeFellow]

Thank you guys so much for your input. To answer mintblossom's questions

 

1. It seems that way, I think she would but it'll need time right now

 

2. Absolutely not, I thought I never would, did, and would give anything to take it back.

 

Or were those rhetorical questions? At any rate that's what the situation ends up vaporized as.

 

EDIT: And thanks for reading that book there

[mrmaximum]

Just from what you have said here, I really can't fault you too horribly for what happened. Yeah you did screw up, but you thought the door was closed and moved on. You got weird vibes from her, what did she feel from you? Sorry, sitting on another guy's lap when you are still 'fresh' isn't a good way to get you interested.

 

Time to sit down and clear the air, the sitch may not be hopeless but a deep convo is overdue at this point!!!