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Advice appreciated - guy perspective?


Liria
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I've been dating someone whom is my friend. He's in a situation where he just isn't available for a true relationship as we know it (he's foreign, living on a student visa) and hasn't ever had a serious relationship in his 28 years of life.

 

He told me that he needs to get his life in order, and a "woman will be a distraction." He also said that if he continued too closely with me, he "knows" he'll fall in love with me and that will take his energy away from building his life in USA.

 

I took that personally - unfortunately. His actions are close and loving, however he uses words saying "no future" and "it won't work out" then later in the day he'll say, "we are so good together, bla bla." We share many dreams and goals...I guess I harboured some hopes. I have lived many years in his culture, so the "manly" attitudes I can cut through, however it gets harder and harder to say "bye" when the weekend ends. (He lives 4 hours away, we meet once a month.)

 

He's conflicted, I know. I'm just plain sad. Unfortunately this past meeting I was a bit cutting about his words of pushing away, when his actions pull me closer. I feel on a rollercoaster! He then seems to be avoiding me. Months of nightly calls - ended. Three days only email and IM. He says he's not ready to talk to me. But he contacts me (is that a good sign?)

 

My outburst about the pulling/pushing wasn't my best behaviour, of course, however its done, gone.

 

Friends say "move on!" however I can't. We DO care about each other, but he's scared and I'm confused. Of course I never want to lose him as a friend...but its true, I do hope for "more".

 

Do i just leave him alone and hope/pray/voodoo doll that he'll come back?

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I'm not a guy, but I'll offer you advice anyway...

 

First of all, you had every right to confront him on his conflicting behavior. Maybe you went about it the wrong way, but you have every right to tell him how you feel.

 

You've been dealing with this guy who's been messing with your head for however long the relationship has been, but one outburst from you and he starts avoiding you?! Something is not right here.

 

Another warning is that he hasn't once had a serious relationship, which means... he doesn't know how to have a serious relationship. When I date a guy I like to know he's had at least ONE major relationship in his life because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.... and, of course, relationships take practice.

 

I agree with letting him go...if he comes back, so be it... just make sure he knows what he wants.

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