NC won't work, we work together - advice?

[deebee]

Have just split up from a short but intense relationship with a work colleague. She works remotely but comes in to the office I work in for a couple of days a week. Currently in no contact mode which is helping me to deal with the loss. However, we still have to talk for work which is OK as we both keep everything professional, but it's still contact and seeing her is not good for me. Any advise on dealing with a break-up when you work with your ex?!

 

Brief overview: she is separating from her husband of eight years and has a two year old daughter. She said she was 'over' the marriage a long time ago. She is shortly moving in to her own house. It became apparent that their was a potential connection between us at the beginning of September. Things developed pretty quickly, even though both of us was very aware that we didn't want a 'rebound' relationship. We were also aware that if anything developed, that she would need time alone to sort herself out and get used to her new life. She had always been in relationships and did not want to get straight in to another one before disengaging from her marriage.

 

So I think we had our eyes open. However, we quickly became very close and were in constant contact. We both expressed the hope that, once she was 'sorted out', that we could enter a long-term relationship. This was very exciting for me, for the first time I felt like I had the potential to commit to someone.

 

Her situation was awkward though, as we were only able to meet up when she came to the office here and stayed over. Weekends she had to spend with her daughter of course and didn't want to complicated matters by introducing me too soon to her. Soon she stayed over at mine. We came very close to having sex, but heroic will power and the knowledge that it was 'too soon' prevented us! Although we still had some very intimate moments.

 

We knew that we would have to back off whilst she moved house, settled in to a new life with her daughter as a single mother and not just jump straight in to another relationship. However, what I had hoped might be an arrangment to cool things off for a few months ended up with her backing off in a way that seemed like a 'break' aka break-up, with her saying we could only be friends for now and so on. Sure enough, after a couple of weeks of dealing with this, which was pretty painful, she confirmed that we could only ever be friends and she thought we weren't suited.

 

Although we were actually only together a few weeks (six?) it felt like a lot longer, we became very close with the result that the break-up affected me more than much longer relationships. I cried every day for a couple of weeks, the loss of her was so painful. Anyway, am feeling more positive now and didn't cry for five days straight this week! I know, it was only a short fling and the circumstances weren't perfect.

 

Still feel lonely and sad about losing her, but I realise that I have to move on and focus back on myself. I initiated no contact, and have felt better since as it allowed me to disengage a bit. Trying not to think about how or what made her change her mind so quick. Guess overall, it's not a simple picture and many will say it was doomed, she wasn't ready for it. But that's not what she told me and her actions backed it up too. Anyway, it's over.

 

So, we still work together in the same office when she comes over. Guess I just have to be civil as we have no animosity, it's just the difficulty of dealing with those break-up emotions. Am trying to maintain no contact where possible, but we see each other at work so I can't and don't want to ignore her. Then there's the Christmas works party...

 

Anyone got advice on dealing with a break-up when you have to see each other and can't maintain NC?

[manny_07]

You are the perfect example of why workplace relationships are a disaster. There aren't any answers. You're already doing everything you can in terms of limited contact.

 

At least you weren't together that long so the healing process should be faster.

[Zackinlaw]

Of course she wasn't ready for it and that's the whole answer. When you meet, be as civil to her as you would be if you hadn't gotten involved. Don't go out of your way to see her but don't go out of your way to avoid her either.

 

Chalk this one up to experience, bear the pain and move on. Like Manny said ... you'll probably get over this one quickly. Lessons learned: 1) avoid workplace romances; and 2) avoid obvious rebound relationships.

 

Good luck.

 

Zack.

[deebee]

Thanks, you're both probably right. No contact is helping so far, although we've spoken a couple of times since on work matters which of course brings it back a bit, but it's getting easier. I'm trying to move on and have passed the raw emotion stage in to acceptance.

 

When I was writing the original post I knew that it was going to look pretty obvious that it was doomed, but that's certainly not how it felt from the inside. Especially with her telling me how much she wanted me and wished we could grow old together. In fact, the bit I can't understand is the rapid change of heart she had.

 

If I catch myself thinking that maybe she will change her mind I remind myself of her words saying we aren't suited that she can only care for me as a friend.

 

We both knew there was a risk of it being a rebound relationship and tried to guard against this, but I guess this is what it was after all. The workplace aspect isn't such a big problem, given we don't have to be in close proximity all the time. I know it will be easier to get over as we weren't together that long and didn't really get in to a serious relationship. I need to try and find someone who thinks I am amazing too but wants to stay with me, doesn't work with me and isn't in the process of splitting up with someone else!

[just M.E.]

deebee -

when my ex left, he and I own a business together, I continued to work with him for the sake of the business for a little over a month but it was hard on me, I think it delays healing but doesn't prevent it.

 

"I need to try and find someone who thinks I am amazing too but wants to stay with me, doesn't work with me and isn't in the process of splitting up with someone else!"

You said it all, wise words, tough situation you are in, but you are doing really great in how you are viewing this. When presented with all we hope for in a relationship, we really don't want to see the negative. What you did is pretty normal, we all have that "want to believe romantic" somewhere within us.

[deebee]

This thread makes a lot of sense in the context of what happened to me.

 

The Quick Attachment and Expression fits pretty much perfectly with her behavior. We had only been seeing each other two weeks when she texted me to say she wished we could grow old together and share good times and bad, once she had got her head sorted. This was two days after we kissed for the first time! My response was that I had thought the same things but didn't want to express them yet, and to be very careful as I wanted us to take things as they come and see where we went. Privately, this was a little scary though. She was self-aware to a certain extent, this is the frustration I have. We both knew she wasn't ready, discussed this and yet she was drawing me in with seductive talk like this.

[need2bme]

Although we were actually only together a few weeks (six?) it felt like a lot longer, we became very close with the result that the break-up affected me more than much longer relationships. I cried every day for a couple of weeks, the loss of her was so painful. Anyway, am feeling more positive now and didn't cry for five days straight this week! I know, it was only a short fling and the circumstances weren't perfect.

 

Hey, mine was only about 4 months and hell yes it hurt more than my long-term. Yes, for those that read my long-term story, it hurt a lot and I did cry a lot. This time though, I was ready for it. I knew the long term and I died out a long time before we did anything about it. I know how you feel, because I THOUGHT I was ready.

 

All that attention lavished on you as if you are the last living man on this earth is sometimes very hard to resist. I overlooked so much and so many red flags.

 

Trying not to think about how or what made her change her mind so quick. Guess overall, it's not a simple picture and many will say it was doomed, she wasn't ready for it. But that's not what she told me and her actions backed it up too. Anyway, it's over.

 

...and that is what happens. The ex's ex says something, the papers come, they mixed up their emotions, they needed someone to prop them up, they realized that they were using you to prop them up, whatever the reason, it still hurts.

 

Add to that, just days before, my rebound was telling me she loved me and not to worry, that she still wanted to date me and me exclusively.

 

Hmmmm!!!! Now that didn't happen, did it?

 

Hang in there brother...

[deebee]

...and that is what happens. The ex's ex says something, the papers come, they mixed up their emotions, they needed someone to prop them up, they realized that they were using you to prop them up, whatever the reason, it still hurts.

 

Add to that, just days before, my rebound was telling me she loved me and not to worry, that she still wanted to date me and me exclusively.

 

Hmmmm!!!! Now that didn't happen, did it?

 

Hang in there brother...

Yes, this all sounds familiar, need2bme! Glad it's not just me then. We weren't together long enough to use the 'L word', but still a few days before she disengaged it was all systems go, then woosh she was off, emotionally speaking. ](*,)

 

The frustating thing was, we were supposedly both wary of it not getting in to rebound territory, yet that's exactly what happened. I don't regret meeting and being with her, it was fantastic, I just wish she had been more 'sensible' about rushing towards someone else (me). Almost as if she was deceiving herself, then came to her senses. Doesn't make me feel good, was very confusing and frustrating. But she was aware of how it made me feel and apologised saying how responsible she felt for it (duh). Guilt? Wish she was aware enough of how she was behaving to take it steadier.

 

Well, at least now I feel a bit better about it, finally starting to piece together some sort of rational explanation for what didn't make sense at the time.