The NC mess

[glimmerofhope]

No contact really sucks. Something really big and wonderful just happened in my ex's professional life, yet I am unable to say or do a thing about it. Her birthday is next week, but I cannot send her a card. Shortly thereafter, we have the holidays. And I have to stand by and let it all pass without a word.

 

And then there are all of the mundane, day-to-day things that I once would have called to her attention but now cannot. For instance, we always used to talk news and current events. Now, if something happens in the world that I know would have been a major talking piece for us, I cannot, in faithfulness to the NC gods, say anything.

 

It's amazing just how many times in the course of everyday life things come up that I want to share with this other person. I never had any appreciation for it before.

 

I wonder if she misses any of it at all. I don't mean does she miss the heavy, romantic stuff that just became too much for her, and ultimately led to the demise of our relationship. Right now, I would guess she's ecstatic to be liberated from that emotional quagmire.

 

But what about those evenings when she would get home from her stressful job and just need to vent about all of the crap, where I was always happy to be there to listen and lend support where I could? What about those great, regular discussions on politics, music or whatever? The list goes on and on...

 

This stuff is mostly rhetorical, by the way. Consider it a brief picture of the cacophony that has assailed my brain unceasingly since it ended. Perhaps some of you out there can relate.

[jettison]

Last Christmas was nearly impossible for me. It was my first Christmas since the demise of my 10 year, and we spent all of our holidays with her family and were very close. It felt pretty devastating. At the same time, my new GF and I had just broke up in mid-November and were still in LC. Also, painful.

 

I ended up flying accross the country, renting an apartment in Manhattan for the week, and staying there with an old friend. I really needed to be away from my surroundings. With the holidays right around the corner, once again I find myself already thinking about distracting myself rather then embracing this time of year that I have always loved.

 

NC is rough. It's rarely easy for anyone. I think eventually, the object of our NC starts to morph into other people, other circumstances, and into just memories. As you drift apart, the person becomes both idealized and, in a way, forgotten. Afterall, no new memories are forming. Anything you can think about that person is merely a thought that once was but no longer exists.

[crookster_man]

Sure she misses it. If she didn't well

#1 she wouldn't be a good person and

#2 she never gave a * * * * about you.

 

Doesn't mean that you should get back together or even hope for it. A relationship based on missing each other is doomed to fail. But if it makes you feel better, know that she misses you. You were a big part of her life no?

 

Of course it will require some getting used to, The NC gods would be happy

[glimmerofhope]

I know that we meant a great deal to each other, so much so that I cannot--at this point--fathom an existence entirely without her. Sure, I'll survive, meet other people, move on, and so forth. I've been through break-ups before, and here I sit.

 

Yet this one is different. This one hurts in a very new and profound way.

[MarkD]

glimmer..you are definitely not alone. I know what you are going through. I think about my ex all day and miss being able to email her, or call her or just tell her about things that happen during the day and hear about her day. NC is really difficult on people that had a real friendship type relationship with their Ex's. she was by very best friend...thats what hurts the most. Going from best friend to stranger is an unreal feeling.

 

The holidays are going to be terrible this year..very lonely. We loved Christmas...I am already telling myself to stay strong and to maintain NC. I know I am going to want to talk to her on Christmas eve or Christmas day or New Years....thats going to be the most difficult times.

[glimmerofhope]

I hear ya, bro. This girl was my best friend, too. And I wish I had some advice to give on how to get through the next two months. If we can get through the holidays, I cannot imagine but that it would be easier thereafter...at least until February 14.

[MarkD]

I just keep thinking of the "special times" througout the year..it seems like every month has something that will make it difficult. January is my birthday...we always went somewhere warm togethe rin Feb, March was our anniv. April is her bday...etc....time is just flying by but I feel like I am not moving forward

[glimmerofhope]

I know. That's the problem, isn't it? If you spent enough time together, and if you were really close, then no matter where you go or what time of year it is, there's something that reminds you of that person.

 

Halloween marks the first holiday where we threw a party together.

 

Her birthday is in the middle of November.

 

Thanksgiving...well, we would always prepare stuff in a frenzy to take over to her family's for dinner. And I was very close with her family, too (they have expressed great regret at our parting).

 

After that, there's my b-day in the middle of December, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day..the list never ends.

 

And as I alluded to before, it's not just the big occasions. On a daily basis, it can be things as simple as flipping the channels and coming accross a film we watched together or driving past a restaurant we frequented.

 

I don't know how to escape the memories, either. They say move on, and I'm trying, but how can I if she's everywhere?

[SRufus]

Oh man...........sounds like you are still at the beginning of it all.

[MarkD]

oh man..seriously glimmer, the stuff you are saying is the stuff that I have been experiencing! Like I mean the EXACT same things you just mentioned. I was also VERY close with her family (her Mom cried when she found out we broke up). I was really close to her Dad too...he was like my second Dad. I lost her and her family through the breakup, and like you said, it's not only the special occasions, it's EVRYTHING....from when I get dressed in the morning and remember a shirt she got me or something she loved to see me in....all the stuff like that makes it so difficult to forget and move on.

 

I am trying to help you out by saying you arent alone...i dont wanna get you down though

[glimmerofhope]

No harm, no foul. While I am not happy to hear that someone else is suffering through this, it is good to know that there are others making a go of it despite the hurt.

 

And her dad cried when he found out. He still wants to stay in touch, and is really broken up about the whole thing. Same thing with others among her family and friends--just total shock.

[MarkD]

yeah..her parents want me to stop by sometimes and keep in touch, but I need NC with everyone its just too difficult

[lightn]

I know how you feel Glimmerof hope. I have been thru it for 2 years. IT was tough, but hang out with friends etc. Yeah after 2years my ex decided to contact me at my job etc. and then she stated she has issues with parents about degrading her and told me right now as friends till she works out her issues. Then at dinner she was texting someone while I was sitting there. How rude. So I sent her a long email, telling it was rude etc and telling how I feel, and the ball is in her court. That was just about a month ago and have not heard from her since. Did not plan on it. I am sure when she gets her confidence up again she will find me.

Her parents also remind her about me how a good guy I am etc.

 

Holidays are tough and it is toughest time for alomst everyone. It is the time for everyone to gather and be happy but deep down the happiness sometimes is hidden and there is pain.

 

I know how you feel. Sometimes talking about it and getting support will help.

 

Hang in there. We all have been there.

[CreoUCLA]

Halloween marks the first holiday where we threw a party together.

 

Her birthday is in the middle of November.

 

Thanksgiving...well, we would always prepare stuff in a frenzy to take over to her family's for dinner. And I was very close with her family, too (they have expressed great regret at our parting).

 

After that, there's my b-day in the middle of December, Christmas, New Year's Eve, Valentine's Day..the list never ends.

 

Whew... I know how that goes! My ex and I just split up at the beginning of October after almost 6 years together. She reminded me about how the first time she went trick-or-treating was with me (a couple years ago), missed out on a wedding that I was in (that she was supposed to go to), Thanksgiving is coming up, my birthday is at the end of the month, Christmas (this was supposed to be the first one I spent with her family), New Year's, and then our anniversary is on January 10th.

 

Oh well.

 

-Mike-