Tired. Of lots of stuff.

[CynicalGuitarist]

For those wondering where the hell I've been, I've been workin'. I'm pretty tired. Not only from work, but dealing with my boss. He has these ridiculous bi-polar esque tendencies. One minute, he's buddy-buddy with me, the next, he downs me and downs me. He's lucky I'm there, cause he's ridiculously high strung and snaps at the customers extremely easily. In fact, just 2 days ago he called me "stupid boy" under his breath, barely loud enough for me to hear; constantly telling me to "use brainpower". He shouldn't be talking; he doesn't even know how to say a sentence in proper English. One day, he's laughing with me, the next, he yells, hollers, and demeans me. I don't know how much longer I'll put up with this before I snap. Probably for another year at least... 'cause nowhere else would hire a stupid piece of crap like me anyways. I'd transfer (I work acouple days a week at another Sbarro with a much more respectful, reasonable manager) but I'd have to drive way too far... paying for insurance is ridiculous enough. I'm broke all the time because of gas prices (3.21 a gallon; yeah, so much for this damn war on high gas prices. Talk about dying in vain.) insurance (State Farm is RIDICULOUS!), and parking (NOBODY should have to pay ridiculous amounts for parking where they work). I mean, crap, I work for friggin minimum wage. I don't even have enough to go back to school, let alone move out of the house. I HATE MONEY! I make it, but not enough. I'm really tired, cranky, and lonely. The last day off I had was last monday. I'm working today, and I'M NOT EVEN FREAKING SUPPOSED TO! I WAS CALLED IN AT THE LAST MINUTE! Which means I don't even get a day to wash clothes until Sunday. Who am I kidding... what am I supposed to do, go back to school and fail another semester?

 

Money is the least of my worries at this point. I hate my singing voice. Granted, I sing better than I can play guitar, but that isn't saying much. People try to comfort me all the time; saying it's not "so bad" or that it's "pleasant", but I know what most of them are trying to do. Try and make me feel better so I won't fall off the "deep end". Ironic enough, I won't give it up. I know that the logical thing to do would be "quit" and find another aspiration, but I just won't for some reason. Something's telling me not to throw in the towel. Even considering the fact that most musicians around where I live are too busy to ever jam (I'm getting to that point, unfortunately), but I won't give up. It's all I got. Kill my aspiration, and kill my will to live.

 

Sure, I still fantasize the day that I finally die, but of course, I'm too chickencrap to follow through. Not because I fear death, but I fear living through it. I'm always stuck in that existential marsh, and the only rest I have are within my non-sensical, whimsical dreams.

 

I can only remember a few bright spots of the past 2 weeks. All of them involve quasi-positive interactions with beautiful women, and seeing a girl I've had my eye on but hardly acknowledges my existence... awww who am I kidding? They most likely have boyfriends.

 

Reality is a mother.

 

Another month has passed. Another month of no accomplishment.