Confused with insecurity!

[Baby bear]

hey there

 

i am 17 and my boyfriend of 12 months is 31, my family have no problems with us as we were open and honest right from the beginning and they have gotten to know him really well and love him as much as i do.

 

he is very kind, loving, considerate and very intelligent, he has always had mybest interests at heart, he waited until I was ready and has always told me to be a strong person and to never do anything I didn't want to. this is my first relationship and he has had 3-4 main relationships in his life (one of which was a marriage but he was divorced at 23).

 

our relationship up until now has been wonderful, he has always encouraged me to talk and communicate and while I have not always been used to being so open with people in general, I am starting to open up to him even more.

 

when we first met he had broken up with his ex girlfriend (she is 34 now) about a year earlier and they are really good friends, while we were dating they would go to the movies or spend an evening at his house with a video and dinner while i wasn't there (about once a week or so). She didn't take the news about us very well in the beginning and it was about 6 months into the relationship before I met her. She has always wanted a relationship but he was not looking for one when we met. I think she struggled with the fact that he didn't want one yet found one, but she really desperately wanted one but couldn't find one. She has a lot of insecurities and he was always been very open and honest about the situation and on several occasions asked me if I wanted to meet her, I agreed to meet and she cancelled or pulled out. It reached the point where he became very upset with her for doing this, and when we did meet we got on okay, although I felt like an outsider to their relationship, as the whole 6 months of our relationship it was me and him and her and him, like two separate lives.

 

He kept asking me if I was ok with the situation and if I understood why she was acting that way and I said it was okay if it didn't go on, and I didn't want to hurt his friend. The truth of the matter was that I wasn't really ok with it but I never told him to the full expent how bad and insecure it made me feel. Since then we have met several times more and I can clearly see now there is absolutely nothing going on between them. They are both only children and their relationship is very much a brother/sister one.... it has however left some damage during that time when I didn't know what was going on.

 

lately I have been worrying alot more about his past. it didn't really bother me at first (besides the situation with his ex) but he has been with a lot more people than I have, as well as having "special friends" long before he met me, and even though he has never done anything for me to have reason to doubt him, and he has promised that I am the only person he wants to be with, I still worry about why he is with me or why he wants to stay with me. I want this relationship so bad that I am afraid something is going to go wrong and it is making me feel very insecure.

 

he has done everything that he can to try to help, we have talked about it and he has been very open and very considerate, allowing me to look in his emails, he never goes to see friends without me, and is very willing to do anything that makes me feel better.

 

I know that I have no reason to worry, and I know that the fears i have are without reasons but I dont know how to get over them. His suggestion has been to try to work through them, to try and look at my emotions from 'above' so that I can try to understand where they are coming from and why I have them, and that when I have bad thoughts to try and think of the good thoughts to compensate.

 

I am trying to do this but I was wondering if anyone else had some advice that may help?

[mermayd]

I have gained a reputaion on this site for being understanding and considerate. I apologize if this message sounds harsh but it my true opinion and veiw on the subject.

First off, I dont understand what a 31 year old man needs a 17 year old girl for. Given, you are probably mature for your age, it seems strange to me. I get the impression that he is feeding off of your lack of life experience and contimuing an emotional relationship with his ex thinking that you dont know any better. You do! You feel uncomfortable with the situation and you have every right to. As does she. She probably feels strage about being left for someone who is half her age. That could definitely put a dent in ones esteem as it did yours that they spent nights together cuddling with a movie. I just told my boyfriend that if I found out he cuddled with another, watching a movie laying under a blanket...that is emotional cheating and it is just as bad a physical. he may as well sleep with her while hes at it!

The other point I wanted to bring up is that it doesnt sound like the realtionships he HAS had in the past were healthy ones. Have you ever asked him why he got divorced???

I will give him the credit of being understanding, honest, and patient with you. Those are good qualitites in a person. However, he could very well be doing this just to get what he wants from you. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but from stories that I have heard over the years, this is how things are. And the people involved are always saying,"well, it won't happen to me. Our relationship is better than that."

If you are worried about his past, dont be afraid to ask him about it. I really think he is playing on the fact that you are 17 and that 17 year olds are naive. You dont sound naive to me, however, you dont sound like you are redy to admit the truth. As painful as it may be, you need to look deep into yourself and think about what you really want. Does he give that to you? and what do you think he really wants? And you are giving that to him already. He's living large as I see it! He's got a hot 17 yr old gf that he can have sex with whenever he pleases and probably brags about it to his friends but yet he can hold a mature emotional relationship with somone else. Ask him what he wants. You or her? Of course, I am sure he will tell you you are what he wants. Ask people that you are close to what they think of the relationship. Personally, I think it is right up there with incest. He has no right taking advantage of you. I think any 31 year old man that is in the right frame of mind knows to stay within his own age gap.

[sisterlynch]

Yes she is right. This guy is really a player! I have trouble believing that your family is ok with this guy! What are they thinking? How did you meet him? In this country men are put in jail for what he is doing. What are you really gaining. He is not being true to you. You are a child and he knows that he should stick to women. Ask him why he needs you and his ex in his life. Aren't you mature enough to handle his rejection? Why does a man need more than one women? What is it about him that he thinks that this is ok. He is using you for your body and he has a lack of self esteme that says he needs an older woman and a younger girl for his complete pleasure. If he paid more attention to the woman instead of the girl, he would show himself to be a man.

[Baby bear]

I have gained a reputaion on this site for being understanding and considerate. I apologize if this message sounds harsh but it my true opinion and veiw on the subject.

 

i think the thing that concerns me most is that you haven't given me any advice at all, you have just gone on and on about how wrong it is.

 

First off, I dont understand what a 31 year old man needs a 17 year old girl for. Given, you are probably mature for your age, it seems strange to me.

 

i am not sure what you mean by that. are you saying that at 17 i cannot give someone the love and care that someone older than me can? or that simply because of my age, someone older than me must have some ulterior motive to wanting to be with me?

 

i never said that my relationship was in question, in fact it is a very health relationship with its ups and downs, its goods and its bads just like any other. I am not about to say its wonderful, i am not like other girls my age who think this is heaven on earth or something beyond question, yet seems to be all you are doing here.

 

I get the impression that he is feeding off of your lack of life experience and contimuing an emotional relationship with his ex thinking that you dont know any better. You do! You feel uncomfortable with the situation and you have every right to.

 

from what I have gathered about his ex, I have more life experience than her in some respects, and the life experience I have had is very different to his, having dealt with my father's death only recently, there are things that even he doesn't understand.

 

the other thing I find strange is that you believe there is anything between them now. what I wrote clearly talked about the past, about back in the beginning of our relationship. since then all of that has gone away, i have seen for myself several times that there isn't an emotional relationship there, in fact she has needed some emotional support for other areas of her life and he has been the one providing it... on a few occasions even I have provided some emotional support for her and we have always openly talked about the situation.

 

i said that I "was" uncomfortable... I am no longer like that, but the damage was still done, you can't undo that, even though I can see clearly there is nothing going on between them. I don't have any problems with my self-esteem, and if it ever even slightly felt like he was using me or was still emotionally attached to someone else I would be out of there in a minute.

 

As does she. She probably feels strage about being left for someone who is half her age.

 

that sounds a little ageist, are people that shallow that the only thing they would look at is that I am half her age?

 

That could definitely put a dent in ones esteem as it did yours that they spent nights together cuddling with a movie. I just told my boyfriend that if I found out he cuddled with another, watching a movie laying under a blanket...that is emotional cheating and it is just as bad a physical. he may as well sleep with her while hes at it!

 

hang on a sec... since when did I ever say they were cuddling on the couch? i think you are reading far too much into it. All I said is they went to movies together, or had a video night at his place once a week. I know you will say that I have no idea what went on without me there, but you can't say you know absolutely what did... i think i would have more idea of what was happening considering how close to the sitatution I am. At first I did wonder about that, I did think that perhaps that was happening, but since then we have had times together with her here and I can clearly see there is nothing between them. Every single time they were together, he always told me the situation, he always told me that if it made me feel uncomfortable that he could cancel and he always told me that I could call him any time regardless of the situation, even when she was there.

 

I dont mind you giving me advice or how you see it, but I would really appreciate it if you didn't make things up like that...

 

The other point I wanted to bring up is that it doesnt sound like the realtionships he HAS had in the past were healthy ones. Have you ever asked him why he got divorced???

 

of course I have, we have spoken about it in depth on many occasions. I get the impression you think we don't talk about these kinds of things... we do, we talk about everything, in fact he has made a point of encouraging me to talk about everything.

 

His marriage was a case of being married too young, he admitted it was a mistake and said he got married because he never thought he would ever find someone who loved him. The relationships that followed were all different, and ended for different reasons, one was beyond his control, the other she cheated on him and his last was a mutual seperation because they both realised they were more friends than anything else.

 

 

So which is better? A girl going out with a typical 18 year old boy who has hormones running through his body and the only thing he can think of is "scoring"... or a person who has had relationships (good or bad), who has learned from them and who has made every effort to make me feel strong, in control and free to talk about any subject at any time?

 

I would say the former is an unhealthy relationship... but you seem to be telling me I should have one of those instead.

 

I will give him the credit of being understanding, honest, and patient with you. Those are good qualitites in a person. However, he could very well be doing this just to get what he wants from you. I know this is probably not what you want to hear but from stories that I have heard over the years, this is how things are. And the people involved are always saying,"well, it won't happen to me. Our relationship is better than that."

 

Actually, he made a definate point in the beginning to say to me to never let him take advantage of me. He sat with me and explained all the ways in which people try to take advantage of others and I could tell he was really concerned that I may let him take advantage of me. I'm not saying it wont happen to me... but who can say that? My mother is 46 and her boyfriend did exactly what you are saying mine "may" be doing... so it seems age has nothing to do with it.

 

but though... do you really think someone would keep up an act for 12 months just to get what he wants? he has been intimate with many other people before me and he could easily get what he wants from someone else without having to put up this act, do you really think I have something that special he would to that much trouble for

 

If you are worried about his past, dont be afraid to ask him about it.

 

did you read what I wrote above? I have already said that we talk about it alot, he is always happy to talk and in fact encourages me to ask whatever questions I want and he never holds back an answer.

 

I really think he is playing on the fact that you are 17 and that 17 year olds are naive.

 

Perhaps that is why he has made every effort to tell me all of the ways people might take advantage of a 17 year old and encourage me to be strong in every way. We have talked about everything from feeling like you have to do things to keep a partner, to emotional blackmail, and much much more... in some ways he is like my big brother looking out for me, he really is a compassionate person. Just because I am 17 doesn't mean I am as naive as you seem to think I am... I look around me, at my friends who are my age and see them doing stupid things, see them falling for boys and doing things they shouldn't because they think they need to, I see them sneaking around behind their parents back to see boys they shouldn't... yet I have never been like that, and we were always so up front about our relationship.

 

You dont sound naive to me, however, you dont sound like you are redy to admit the truth.

 

what truth is that? that I am naive? of course I am, I'm 17! That doesn't mean I am retarded, it doesn't mean I am 4 years old, it means I am 17. My mother is 30 years older than me and she isn't ready to admit the truth that her relationship is going nowhere and she is being used, why does the fact I am 17 mean I am not admitting something?

 

As painful as it may be, you need to look deep into yourself and think about what you really want. Does he give that to you? and what do you think he really wants?

 

Ever since I was 7 years old I have told my mum what I wanted in a boyfriend, I said I wanted someone who really loves me for myself, someone I can be myself around, someone who I feel safe with, someone who is affectionate and enjoys just snuggling or touching my cheek, someone who doesn't just want me for sex, someone who looks after themselves, who is intelligent and has high morals, someone who my mum loves, someone who is going somewhere and is secure in what they are doing, someone who would let me know when I was making a mistake before I made it, and someone who was mature yet at the same time could still be fun and young.

 

And yes he gives me all of that, that was the reason I decided to have a relationship with him, because he met everything I ever told my mum I had wanted in a person.

 

I have had opportunities to date other boys before, yet I always turned them down because I sensed something wasn't right and they were not what I wanted... so I am not that naive to fall for the first person that came along.

 

You ask what he really wants, and he has shared something similar like I have said above with me. Someone who is strong, who believes in themselves, who wont comprimise their principles, who is smart and caring, and who would love with all their heart just as he has done all of his life... and do I give all of that to him?

 

I certainly hope so.

 

And you are giving that to him already. He's living large as I see it! He's got a hot 17 yr old gf that he can have sex with whenever he pleases and probably brags about it to his friends but yet he can hold a mature emotional relationship with somone else.

 

You seem to have a very poor view of him, no matter how much I describe both his good and bad qualities... you seem to make up qualities that he simply doesn't have. You say he can have sex whenever he pleases yet he has has never pressured me once to have sex and if I have not felt good about it he has always been understanding and supportive. Its not all about sex, he is a very balanced person who believes that all sides of a relationship should be developed... love, sex, life, friends, everything.

 

What is an emotional relationship? Surely everybody who has a friend has one of those... or isn't he allowed to have female friends? As I said before, their relationship is like a brother/sister one, I can clearly see that now... she is like his little sister and they are friends. I have friends as well, does that mean my relationships with them are emotional ones? It seems to me you dislike it if people who were once going out remain friends... as if that must mean something is going on... did this happen to you?

 

Ask him what he wants. You or her? Of course, I am sure he will tell you you are what he wants.

 

I didn't have to ask him what he wants.. he actually made it quite clear in the beginning that if his relationship with his ex was going to cause a problem then he would end it immediately. The problem was that I never told him at the time it was causing problems, I kept it to myself because I felt I was rocking the boat if I said anything... that was my mistake and he is very sad that I never said anything back then so he could do something about it. I heard him on the phone with her getting very angry that she had dragged it out as long as she did, and that all he wanted was for the person who was his closest friend to meet and accept the person that he loved. He gave her the ultimatum that either she accepts this or that their friendship was over. I have taken a back seat at any time, nor has he ever tried to lie to me about their relationship... I cannot admit that I really understand it... but then I am not them, I am not him... and neither are you.

 

Ask people that you are close to what they think of the relationship.

 

My mother adores him, she was concerned at first but now she says that all she needs to do is take one look at us together, see the love and care in his eyes and it makes everything ok.... she wishes she had something like that. My nan keeps asking if he will be over when she comes to visit, and the rest of the family all think he is wonderful. My brother took him aside in the beginning and said that he was happy to see us together, and that is very unlike my brother... normally he hates anyone that goes near me. My friends at my old school gave the impression they were accepting, but in reality they were very nasty behind my back, then again.. the school was very closed minded which is why I moved to a better school (for academic reasons, I am heading to uni next year). My friends at my new school are over the moon... they are all jealous and keep asking about him... but they are a different group of people, more mature, more open minded and more understanding.

 

Personally, I think it is right up there with incest. He has no right taking advantage of you.

 

What on earth makes you think he is taking advantage of me? If anything its the other way around. I get to have a relationship where I feel safe, where I know that at any time I simply can say "no" and he will immediately accept it, and where I can explore and share things knowing that he truly respects and adores me. Yet he is taking advantage of me?

 

I think any 31 year old man that is in the right frame of mind knows to stay within his own age gap.

 

I think this is the heart of the matter... if this is what you believe, then that makes you ageist. Should people of the same skin colour who are in their right frame of mind stay within their own skin colour? Or how about religion? Basically you are saying that because you have the view that "right frame of mind" means they ignore everything about a person but age, that anyone who doesn't share your point of view is obviously not in their right frame of mind.

 

He has always taught me to be open, honest, to look below the surface, to not judge people on things based on anything other than what is in their hearts and in their souls... yet you make him out to be some kind of monster who is only using me.

[chakka]

Hey babybear, hey mermayd.

 

First of all, I gotta say I agree with pretty much everything mermayd said.

 

She is not being ageist.

She is not saying people of a certain age are better than people of another age.

She is just saying if you're over 30, your gf should at least be able to order a drink! Or legally sleep with you for that matter.

 

Also, it is COMPLETELY inappropriate to have a private relationship with your ex, even assuming nothing sexual happened. Especially considering this ex did not have anyone new and was probably pining away for him. It is not healthy for her to depend on him like that.

And it is not a brother-sister relationship if you had sex with the person.

 

Obviously it's not the worst thing in the world. At least he was honest with you, and tried to get you and her together so there would be no mystery, but it was still stupid. And his ex is stupid to put up with it.

 

Look bear, I'm sure this man is very nice. But I also think something is very lacking in him and his self esteem that he can't handle a woman his own age and needs to date someone who is like his little sister or daughter.

 

He tells you what people do to take advantage of other people, just like a daddy would tell a little girl.

And if he did take advantage of you in some way, I'm sure he would skip that in his little "lesson". Though I don't think he is necessrily doing anything wrong to you on purpose. It sounds like he really does care about you.

But he is "raising" you, like a daughter or a little pet.

 

The fact that you can say no to him - newsflash, that is a GIVEN. If anyone, bf or stranger, did not take no for an answer from you, they would go to jail. So this certainly is no proof that he is a perfect bf, only that he meets the basic requirement of not being - say - a rapist.

 

I think in this relationship, he is in more control than you.

Maybe that's how you like it.

Maybe your Mom feel very comfortable with you having this other parental figure, it takes some of the pressure off of her. Now someone else can take care of you.

 

And when you're 30 something, you might become more strong willed, and it might be a problem. Then again, by that time he will be a senior citizen, and he might feel so lucky to have you that he will deal with the changes in your power balance. I hope so for your sake, if you stay with him.

Or, maybe you will stay a little girl forever and have daddy/lover take care of you.

 

 

Look, I totally agree with mermayd. But, it's your life. Many girls crave this kind of lover/father thing. Sometimes they get tired of it, and if that happens to you, just be sure you are not soooo dependent on him by then that you can't leave. Sometimes the man gets tired of it, either going back to older women, or getting a new teenager when his teenager gets too old and willful. I'm not implying this will happen to you! I definitley hope not.

And hey, I'm sure sometimes these things do work out, so don't take my word for it. I'm sure you will do what feels right for YOU, not for me or mermayd. And good luck.

 

 

 

[chakka]

one more little thing...

 

I just wanted to stress that for me, the fact that you are only 17 is a big thing.

If you were 27 and he were in his 40's, I wouldn't have said ANY of the things I said.

 

It's not the age gap itself.

It's the fact that one of you is an adult, and one of you is not.

[Baby bear]

She is just saying if you're over 30, your gf should at least be able to order a drink! Or legally sleep with you for that matter.

 

Right...not ageist...are you sure about that?

Where I live the laws very clearly state that it is legal for me to sleep with my boyfriend, and I am considered an adult not a CHILD as you so blatently stepped around. No I am not allowed to buy a drink yet, but I am allowed to drive, I am allowed to sign for myself, I am allowed to work, I AM a HUMAN BEING if you don't mind!

 

Why does buying a drink suddenly make me more of a person and able to have a boyfriend that doesn't just want me for my body???

Did you not even read my last post?

Why do you think my boyrfiend is less of a person just because he isn't dating someone his own age, when his ex being 34 has less life expreience than myself...just because she has lived longer doesn't make her more able to love somebody, or to be seen as more than her body.

 

Look bear, I'm sure this man is very nice. But I also think something is very lacking in him and his self esteem that he can't handle a woman his own age and needs to date someone who is like his little sister or daughter.

 

What makes you say he can't handle a woman his age? the fact his last relationship with one broke up? tell me...have you ever had a relationship break-up??? if so does that mean you couldn't handle the age of whoever the person was??? Or are you so perfect adn inexpierienced that you have been in the same relationship all of your dating life?

 

Something lacking in his self-esteem you think, where did you get that idea? you seem to think having a younger girlfriend is an ego boost for him...He's already got the ego he needs, and I can assure you if that's what he was wanting he could get a way better boost in other places...I'm not easy to live with, and he's definitely not in control of the relationship, if he wanted an ego boost he'd find some weak willed pathetic person (and that doesn't mean young)

 

Tell me...at what age did you become a person chakka???

How old were you when you suddenly became able to love a person and be loved by anyone other than your parents?

Or was that hte day you bought your first drink? Did you look at your I.D. on your birthday and say "I am finally a whole person", "I finally grew a mind of my own", "I am suddenly not being taken advantage of because I am of drinking age"

 

I think in this relationship, he is in more control than you.

Maybe that's how you like it.

Maybe your Mom feel very comfortable with you having this other parental figure, it takes some of the pressure off of her. Now someone else can take care of you.

 

Chakka, you say you're not ageist but do you think I am a person?...and I DO want this answered

Have you ever been in a EQUAL relationship? well sorry if you haven't, and sorry if you think I must like being taken control over but this IS an equal relationship and if anything I have more say than him, if you want you can call my mum!

 

And when you're 30 something, you might become more strong willed, and it might be a problem.

 

I might become strong willed at 30 something? how old are you...i take it you're older than 30, because of course you are strong willed, and you are an adult, and because you are a person your opinion matters! I am as strong willed as I will ever be. Chakka, tell me what have you had to go through in life??? Do you still have both of your parents? were you a smothered little bratt, protected under daddy's WISE knowledge in life?

I have packed a fair bit into my 17 years of life, and just because I'm not as old as you are doesn't mean I have less will or strength in life.

 

sisterlynch:

I have trouble believing that your family is ok with this guy!

 

Why's that?? is your family that closed minded? were you incredibly sheltered as a CHILD as you say it?

My family is perfect with us, why else would my mum let me go overseas with him by myself for a holiday? This guy isn't in it for the sex, if he was he wouldn't be helping my mum out with my brother, he wouldn't be driving me around to work and home? he wouldn't be spending so much energy helping me fix my problems...

 

 

Ask him why he needs you and his ex in his life. Aren't you mature enough to handle his rejection?

 

I have asked why he needs his ex in his life...the answer, which is very clear if only you OPEN YOUR EYES to the world. Yes they were dating and obviously as they dated had engaged in sex. The relationship ended in a mutual decision to just be friends, they had not even slept together in hte last 6 months of the relationship and found they were not really compatible. Also he never loved her, the relationship basically worked for that time because they got on so well and were alike in many ways, except for her immaturity which he found frustrating, hence the end of the intimate, dating relationship.

They are now such good friends because they were both only children and she is like a sister to him which is quite clear, he gives her advice when she needs it, they act just like my brother and I do.

He is definitely not having a close relationship with her as I basically stay at his house 5-7 nights a week and he wouldn't even have time if he tried, they rarely even talk on the phone, and back then it was only the one night a week, not every week, and only calls every now and then, there was nothing really private about it.

 

 

As for everyone questioning my relationship with him, what's with that? does it make you all feel better saying my relationship means nothing than sex? did you all get sexually abused by older men when you were young or something, do you have a hate for CHILDREN even though I'm 17? God I hope you never have children!

I stated clearly in my initial post, that there was not reason for the insecurities, just that I have them and if anyone had tips for me to think about to work through them. The main reason I have these is not because of my boyfriend but for example,

my dad cheated on my mum

the girl he cheated with, cheated on her husband

my brother sleeps around with young girls my age and is not respectful

my mums now ex boyfriend was a loser who cheats on everyone he dates

I have never been cheated on, and I would definitely know the signs on hte way! I have interrogated my bf to the bone and he gives me every opotunity to "snoop" for anything I want.

There is no question wether he is faitful to me. I never questioned that at all.

So if you don't have any ideas on the insecurities then don't reply to this post.

If you came in here asking what colour to die your sisters hair, I wouldn't go abusing you for not using hte same product as me, or aying you're cheap for not getting it done at the hair dressers, i would either help you with your question or leave you alone...its that simple!

 

~Baby bear~

[chakka]

Baby bear,

 

I did not mean to offend you so.

My opinions are just my opinions. I certainly didn't mean to hurt you, or to imply that you are not a person just because you are only 17.

 

You are absolutely right that there is no specific age when you become an adult. The fact the the law puts specific importance on specifc ages is just because the law has to draw a line somewhere...

 

But it was a bad example for me to give.

I stand by my opinion, but of course, you must do what YOU think is right, and obviously you don't agree with me.

 

I am sure nobody here hates you and nobody here thinks you're opinion doesn't count. I think we were all just trying to help, and we all hope everything works out for you.

 

So, my apologies for upsetting you.

Don't be so worried about what we say here. Take what you can from it, and ignore the rest.

 

And really, good luck with everything.

[mermayd]

BRAVO!!!!!!! Chakka, I couldnt have said it better! Babybear, I know you disagree with our opinion, but at the same time, you DID ask for them and we gave them to you. Please dont get so upset about what we have to say if you are not prepared to hear it. When you ask for advice, be open to anything that may be freely handed to you, and like chakka says, take what you need and leave the rest. We just want to open your eyes to whatever you may not be able to see and tell youhow things may turn out so that you can be prepared. We are not trying to offend you or anything, just trying to give you the help that you asked for. You know what is best for yourself deep in your heart you know what to do. And only YOU know this. Nobody can tell you how to feel. So go with your heart and trust yourself. Good luck and I hope everything turns out the way you hope it will.

[Baby bear]

Hey Mermayd,

nice to know you think you answered my question.

My question was asking about tips on insecurities, how can i help myself with them when i know there's no reason to be insecure in my relationship. You never answered my question, you simply bad mouthed hte relationship, and as i have written many times the relationship was never in question. Or did you only read the bits you thought you could have fun with

~Baby bear~

[tiredofthelies]

Babybear,

 

You are certainly in a tough situation! I have a few comments to make... I am not sure if it will help or not.

 

Firstly, I just got out of a relationship... I am 27, and she is 19. At the time, I was 23, she was 15. I didn't know it at the time, because she lied about her age... she was very well... developed, and by the time she told me I was already smitten with her. I thought age shouldn't make a difference. Ultimately, age SHOULDN'T make a difference, but the fact is that it DOES; especially in the mind of the older party.

 

As mature as you are at first glance, (I was really impressed with the intellect shown in your emails), there ARE glaring differences between someone of his age and your own. There are, as previously mentioned, life experiences to start. There is a difference in sexual and emotional maturity. I believe that some of your words might indicate that you aren't quite as mature as you think. I mean absolutely no offence to this, and getting upset over my saying it would only prove my point. But honestly, you'd be one in a million if you were to be on the same emotional and mental level that he is. (By mental, I do not mean intelligence... you are obviously a very intelligent individual.)

 

For the record, I disagree with people's comments that he should have no reason to be interested in you. When I found out my ex was 15, I had a very hard decision to make. Do I break it off (ultimately would have been the right choice), or do I continue with it, as we were already some time into the relationship, and I had already developed some feelings for her? Just the fact that I had legitimate feelings leads me to believe that it IS possible that a man would be interested in a woman much younger. Keep in mind that it is our Western culture that looks down on this... in other cultures overseas, it is perfectly acceptable and nearly EXPECTED that the age gap is so great. The age issue doesn't have to be an issue at all, but it is an absolutely enormous obstacle to work around. I am quite sure that it played a large part in my eventual breakup, even though I chose to ignore it at the time.

 

From what you say, I believe that his ex is such a part of his life that she fills the void that being with a 17-year-old may present. I know, I know... you don't want to hear that. You don't want people to play the age issue up. And I understand... I don't blame you. But we ARE talking about a HUUUUUUUUGGGEE difference, and as much as you don't believe it now, it DOES DOES DOES make a difference!

 

Enough about the age thing. My only point is that there IS an issue with age, and it can cause some very serious emotional attachment and mental compatibility issues in my opinion. If you are one of those nearly non-existant couples that can honestly say it makes no difference, then all the power to you. I'm sure he is absolutely stunned to have a 17 year old girl interested in him.

 

My opinion about his commitment to you: Test it. There is no reason for him to be as involved with his ex by this point. Tell him that it would make you feel better if she was not such a part of his life. Yes, it is selfish. And yes, it may piss him off so much that he finally lashes out. But then you know he wasn't the one for you anyhow. Any logical person would understand that once you break up with someone and enter a new relationship, that there is a very real chance that you may not be able to talk to your ex again; at least not in the same way. This is something that I think everyone understands at one point, and if he really cares about you, he will too.

 

With all this said, and what I've heard YOU say, *I* believe he might be honest about everything. (Mind you, I've recently been deceived by my own girlfriend, so who knows....) If your relationship is everything it can be, and you both love each other, the last thing you want to do is to keep it from progressing by constantly badgering him with your unfounded fears. IF everything is hunky-dory in your relationship, then it really isn't his problem to deal with. (Although he SHOULD be supporting you, which you say he is.) If it is something that cannot be overcome in your mind, then it is something that cannot be solved with him alone. I believe you may need help to work out this issue. I think at some point you have to give you entire trust to him, and be rid of the constant questioning. You open yourself up to being hurt more in the end, but it's a choice I think you'll have to make.

 

But really, like any given situation on this entire site, how does anyone really know? We only know what you have written, and how we would react in the same situation. I just wanted to try to help someone else who is experiencing serious issues like I am right now... take whatever you wish from my words.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Baby bear]

Dear Tired of the lies,

 

I thank you very much for sending your post as any of the others until now have been posted to simply undermine my relationship with my boyfriend. I can't say you have answered my question completely but you have made me think on some of the things you said and not forced your opinion on me.

 

From what you say, I believe that his ex is such a part of his life that she fills the void that being with a 17-year-old may present. I know, I know... you don't want to hear that. You don't want people to play the age issue up. And I understand... I don't blame you. But we ARE talking about a HUUUUUUUUGGGEE difference, and as much as you don't believe it now, it DOES DOES DOES make a difference!

 

Don't worry about saying the wrong thing because I'm not here to hear what i want, otherwisew there would be no need in asking these questions.

We know it makes a difference, but because of his experience and our intelligence we help each other, and learn from each other but hte age really has no effect on our relationship. (not trying to contradict your post there, just to let you know my thoughts from your response okay )

Also the ex plays quite a small role in his life now, as you will read below.

 

 

My opinion about his commitment to you: Test it. There is no reason for him to be as involved with his ex by this point. Tell him that it would make you feel better if she was not such a part of his life. Yes, it is selfish. And yes, it may piss him off so much that he finally lashes out. But then you know he wasn't the one for you anyhow. Any logical person would understand that once you break up with someone and enter a new relationship, that there is a very real chance that you may not be able to talk to your ex again; at least not in the same way. This is something that I think everyone understands at one point, and if he really cares about you, he will too.

 

That's very good advice but luckily I've already done it and it did work, but if I hadn't i would have appreciated it greatly. When I expressed to him how much damage it was doing he immediately fixed the problem, and gave her the ultimatum, she meets the woman he loves or she loses the friendship, which proved to me there was nothing going on and that I meant more to him that she did. He even said it would be fine for him not to see her again, yes he would feel bad deserting his friend but he would have done it for me. I did not allow him to end the friendship because by then everything was fine, and I don't believe a relationship is healthy when you pass up all your existing friends for the NEW GIRL. He needs his own part of his life as do I.

 

 

I am slowly helping myself now, and I was planning on getting some help and ideas in here however nobody thought a child was deserving of that, instead make me sit here and clarify that my relationship is not in question. I am helping myself realise in my head, heart, mind that he is being true to me and I cannot keep letting it hurt me, as it will hurt the relationship. My bf is very supportive, thankyou for recognising that in my post.

 

I thank you for actually reading my whole post and taking time to give me a straight answer. I don't mind criticism, but not when its AIMED at me and there's no way they'll listen otherwise.

 

Thanx alot

 

~Baby bear~