Thinking of breaking up with girlfriend, whats going to be said help

[Jonboy582]

Well pretty much I think its time to call things a day with my girlfriend. I still love her but our relationship the past month or so has not been a healthy one (especially for me). I really can't face saying the following words to her as I know I will be a blabbering wreck and not be able to do more than cry and sniff. But I have decided to write a letter deliver it in person and be there while she reads it so I can get everything accross that needs to be said. Is this a just way of doing things?

 

I don't want to upset her so have tried to be as nice as possible I also want the prospect of getting back together to be left open if she realizes she does love me.

 

I have written the following .... so what do people think?

 

 

Oh if it helps you on what your going to say, we have been together about 1 yr 10months.

[orangesoda]

If you can't hold it together to speak, then I think the letter is fine. You've pretty much covered all the bases.

 

As an aside, I went through a phase like this with my ex. We'd be over at her place, in the living room, with her roommates. And she'd be laughing, goofing off, making drinks for everyone. Smiling and chatty, even with me.

 

Then everyone would go to their rooms, and the minute I was alone with her...shazam, complete shut down. No smiles, no chat, wouldn't even look me in the eye. Not a single physical act, not a hug, and would even stand next to me.

 

It was one of the most bizarre experiences I've ever had. This went on for about a week, and although it did go away, I asked her about it afterwards. Turns out she was pretty angry with me over a certain issue and in combination with stress from school & work, just did a mental shutdown on me.

 

I think if you're willing to give the relationship one more shot, just back off for a couple weeks. Keep the interaction to a minimum. I had to do the same until she basically calmed down.

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

[Jonboy582]

I was thinking on similar lines, before I left things picked up (thats where the confusion comes in). I'm going to give it like a week or so but if things keep reverting back to how they are now then I'm going to have to print out this letter and hand it to her.

[Jonboy582]

Well I was going to be there as its apparently always better to do it in person.

 

And ok phrase changed.

 

I think it had to be that long to include everything I wanted to say without missing crucial points out.

[matt24]

I'm sorry but I think breaking up with people via email or a letter shows a complete lack of respect to that person. If that person was with you and you two cared for each other you need to find the courage to tell her. Read the letter if you have to.

[jul-els]

I think the letter is fine and I don't see anything wrong with presenting it in person. I think it's fine.

 

You, by presenting your statements in writing, are finding a way to speak your peace without forgetting what you wanted to say or going off track.

 

She, by reading it in front of you is effectively sitting and clearly hearing your message without interrupting or diverting the discussion from your original point.

 

I agree that the part about "call it a day" could be construed as a little cold. How about something along the lines of, "It's time to come to the end of this part of our relationship and continue on separately as friends who respect each other and wish for each other's happiness." Just a rough idea, but something along those lines. Speak from your heart.

 

No matter what, I believe that presenting this information to her in person is far more respectful and kind than delivering it to her via mail or some other impersonal means.

[Jonboy582]

I'm sorry but I think breaking up with people via email or a letter shows a complete lack of respect to that person. If that person was with you and you two cared for each other you need to find the courage to tell her. Read the letter if you have to.

Its not as though its impersonal, and breaking up via text or email. I was intending on being there. If I don't give her a letter, I will not end up saying it and we will both stay miserable and I will be completely incoherent if I do manage to say that stuff as I will be crying and stuttering. And finally if I manage to finally get it all out I will still probably miss things I wanted to say...cause offense and whatever.

Too funny. You and me posted the same exact time and I suggested he change the phrase from "calling it a day" to "calling it quits". LOL.

Exactly what I was thinking hehe

[AngryHeart]

I don't think it's wrong to write it in a letter, as long as you are there to give her it. If you posted it or had someone else give her it or somehting, then yeah that's a touch cowardly. But you will nbe there for her to ask questions (and probably slap you and that's fine. As much as I love my boyfriend, I never will get over how he dumped me! He basicaly ran away and ignored me. But hey, he's back. Anyway, I think the way you tell someone it's over, and the way you word it is so very important. Good job.

 

Sorry things aren't working out. But are you sure you can;t talk to her first to try to save it? Maybe you could both work on things about yourselves?

 

Good luck whatever happens!

[Jonboy582]

I agree that the part about "call it a day" could be construed as a little cold. How about something along the lines of, "It's time to come to the end of this part of our relationship and continue on separately as friends who respect each other and wish for each other's happiness." Just a rough idea, but something along those lines. Speak from your heart.

I have changed that line to I think we should call it quits. Your line is nice but sounds too final. Thing is I do feel there is still a chance between us, she just needs to be shocked enough to realize that and whats causing us to drift apart. Don't get my wrong I'm not doing this just to shock her into changing. I am willing to see it through if thats whats going to make us happy. But things might work out between us still.

[Jonboy582]

I don't think it's wrong to write it in a letter, as long as you are there to give her it. If you posted it or had someone else give her it or somehting, then yeah that's a touch cowardly. But you will nbe there for her to ask questions (and probably slap you and that's fine. As much as I love my boyfriend, I never will get over how he dumped me! He basicaly ran away and ignored me. But hey, he's back. Anyway, I think the way you tell someone it's over, and the way you word it is so very important. Good job.

 

Sorry things aren't working out. But are you sure you can;t talk to her first to try to save it? Maybe you could both work on things about yourselves?

 

Good luck whatever happens!

Kind of tried talking, and thats been met with limited success. She acknowledged some things but has not yet acted on them. And some days she knows she loves me and others she does not. She has just gone cold. Also the depression I believe is playing a leading role in this and I have not been able to tell her. You see I am the kind of person who opens up to absolutely no one about my problems. I keep them bottle up and put on a brave face to everyone else. I always fear people will laugh at my, think bad of me and think I'm a weak pathetic person if there know my problems and insecurities.

[Jonboy582]

If the point of writing this letter is to "shock her into changing", you are in for a big disappointment.

 

You can't force someone to change. People don't operate that way. At most she'll make a short term effort but she will eventually revert right back to the way she is now.

Don't get my wrong I'm not doing this to shock her into changing. I am willing to see it through if thats whats going to make us happy. But things might work out between us still.

Er I said I was not trying to shock her into changing, I don't want her to have to change. Just saying that might be what has to happen for the relationship to survive.

[AngryHeart]

Kind of tried talking, and thats been met with limited success. She acknowledged some things but has not yet acted on them. And some days she knows she loves me and others she does not. She has just gone cold. Also the depression I believe is playing a leading role in this and I have not been able to tell her. You see I am the kind of person who opens up to absolutely no one about my problems. I keep them bottle up and put on a brave face to everyone else. I always fear people will laugh at my, think bad of me and think I'm a weak pathetic person if there know my problems and insecurities.

 

Depression isn't weak or pathetic, sweetheart. It can happen to the best of us! I too have clinical Depression along with other crap. I know how much it can effect relationships. My boyfriend also suffers from Depression, but mine seems to be more on going and comes with more other things than his. Not that i'ts a competition But yeah, I get how you feel. Truth is, everybody gets depressed at some point in their lives, just some of us more than others. And of course everybody has problems too. You aren't weak, don't worry my man. Saying she loves you one day, and then the next she doesn't...just ain't on. I'm sorry about that. Maybe your letter is the right thing to do.

[Jonboy582]

Oh maybe I worded it wrong aswell. Someday she knows she loves me others she is not sure. She has never said she doesn't love me if you get what I mean. I think she is as confused as me to whats going on.

 

As for the depression thing, yeah people tell me I should not be embarrassed and ashamed but I have never really opened up to anyone about serious matters before except things like love with my girlfriend. I am venturing into new territory by telling me girlfriend I am depressed. This is obviously something I need to work on, but it will take time.

[jul-els]

Oh maybe I worded it wrong aswell. Someday she knows she loves me others she is not sure. She has never said she doesn't love me if you get what I mean. I think she is as confused as me to whats going on.

 

As for the depression thing, yeah people tell me I should not be embarrassed and ashamed but I have never really opened up to anyone about serious matters before except things like love with my girlfriend. I am venturing into new territory by telling me girlfriend I am depressed. This is obviously something I need to work on, but it will take time.

 

That is a big part of the dynamic. You say your girlfriend needs to make some changes for the sake of the relationship, but more importantly, you need to take responsibility for your wellness also. Opening up and admitting you think you have depression is a very important first step in doing that.

 

It is nothing to be ashamed of and it's something you can take steps to improve. It's totally treatable, you just have to be willing to do so and it sounds like you are.

 

That is a step in a very positive direction for you and if the two of you do decide to work it out, it will go a long way in helping in that regard also.

[Jonboy582]

I know it may seem that way but I really wasn't I actually wrote the letter then realized after I wrote it it may be what we need to save us. When I actually composed it, I had no such intentions as to shock her. I seriously was very depressed at the time and just wanted to put an end to things.

[JadedStar]

I have changed that line to I think we should call it quits. Your line is nice but sounds too final. Thing is I do feel there is still a chance between us, she just needs to be shocked enough to realize that and whats causing us to drift apart. Don't get my wrong I'm not doing this just to shock her into changing. I am willing to see it through if thats whats going to make us happy. But things might work out between us still.

 

I honestly think "calling it quits" is just the same as "calling it a day". What Jules suggested makes it seem like it wasn't just some passing fad but something that was important that just didn't work out.

[JadedStar]

The possible discrepancies in connotation of those two phrases is probably of miniscule importance when considering the grand scheme of things in regard to this particular dilemma.

 

The discrepency in the minor connotations of those two phrases is exactly what I meant to convey. Both are really casual and not really invoking that the relationship meant anything. That is why I think Ju-Les suggestion is a better route. Women DO read into these things. It is important.

[JadedStar]

Originally Posted by Oaken007

I would try not to use the phrase "calling it a day" or "calling it quits"...

 

Too funny. You and me posted the same exact time and I suggested he change the phrase from "calling it a day" to "calling it quits". LOL.

 

If I am reading Oaken correctly she is saying that "calling it a day AND "Calling it quits are phrases to try NOT to use. Not that calling it quits is the better wording. That is how i read it anyway. Might be wrong.

 

I am just adding my opinion to this because the phrasing of both of those sounds like he is ending a fling vs a relationship that once was meaningful.

[Jonboy582]

Ok ok, don't worry I do not have any warped perceptions on this situation. I don't expect her to come crawling back if and when she reads this. I am more than ready for her to say ok, its over we had a good couple of years but its time to go out separate ways.

 

And as for that line ok, I will re-write it again anyway. I will make it out that it was much more serious AND leave room for her to come back

Something like. I think the time has come re-evaluate our relationship, we can take one of two paths either we break up or have a temporary break. Any better? I know it sucks towards the end but I can't remember the context I even typed it in now lol

[JadedStar]

Ok ok, don't worry I do not have any warped perceptions on this situation. I don't expect her to come crawling back if and when she reads this. I am more than ready for her to say ok, its over we had a good couple of years but its time to go out separate ways.

 

And as for that line ok, I will re-write it again anyway. I will make it out that it was much more serious AND leave room for her to come back

Something like. I think the time has come re-evaluate our relationship, we can take one of two paths either we break up or have a temporary break. Any better?

 

To be honest I really do think that sounds a lot better. If you really do want to leave it open for something in the future then keep the temporary part in there. If not just leave it at re-evaluating the relationship. I think that is a great way of putting it. SOunds mature and does not denote that it was just some fling you had.

[JadedStar]

How about, "the time has come to re-evaluate our relationship. Let's take a break for a while and see where we want to go with this".

 

Why don't you say that to her? It's easier than what you wrote in the letter.

 

I agree that just saying that would be easier than watching her read the letter.