Strange situation - need advice

[Myrddin]

I'd had an on off but very loving 5 year relationship with a woman in her late 30's. I was never able to jump the final commitment hurdle and set up home with her although I wanted too (my baggage from previous rel.) 9 months ago she got drunk in public and made a real ass of herself and embarressed me (this had happened before on occasion.) Long story short, I walked and resolved to never go back although I did explain why.

 

Now for the strange part: for the past 9 months she's constantly sent me text messages saying she loves me, phoned my home, asks people we know if I've met anyone else (which I havn't.), asks if we can talk, do I love her, etc. In all this time I've done nothing to encourage her - have had to maintain minimum contact because she owes me some money. I still have feelings for her and recently they've grown stronger to the point where I've considered trying again.

 

I then replied to one of her texts, sounding out the waters by letting her know I still love her and asked her if she wanted to meet and talk. Initially she said yes, then changed her mind and said we should move on and that that was her final decision. I went NC again but within a day she suggested we meet and even named the time and place. There followed a couple of days of friendly texts between us and I spoke to her on the phone. At the last minute she cancelled with an excuse that could have been real or not but added the caveat that I could ring her if I wanted, but there has been no mention of meeting again from her.

 

Now I'm completely lost. Where do I go from here?

[prettytiedup]

She sounds like a confused person with a flair for the dramatic. I'd give her time to decide what she really wants. Sounds like she loved the chase, but now she's all confused since you've relented.

 

If she really wants to reconcile, and there's no other reason why she can't (another relationship that may be on the rocks, etc), she will come to you.

[Myrddin]

Yes, you're right. I suppose after 9 months of rejection from me she would be somewhat confused. She obviously still wants contact with me but I am struggling to find a way of dealing with it without pushing her away. I could go NC again but wouldn't that send the wrong message at this point?

[Ripples]

Hi,

 

For sure her behaviour suggests that she is playing games.

 

If her motivation for continually contacting you and finding out about you was just to get even then it is not good.

 

If she genuinely wants you in her life I doubt that she would risks pushing you away again, so something is wrong here. ie a red flag!

 

You on the other hand must communicate in a healthier way. Texting is not the appropriate medium for dialogue because a) it is limiting and b) it leaves too much to interpretation.

 

Lastly, and most importantly, how will starting a fresh relationship with this lady best serve you?

[Myrddin]

The thing I find the most difficult to deal with when a reconciliation may be 'on the cards' is trying to understand what the ex's thoughts are as there are often mixed messages. For instance, yesterday I received the following text message:

 

"I love you **** I always have but I think commitment is a big issue with you and I think history will repeat itself and I think we have hurt each other enough. I don't make this decision lightly but I have been through a lot of pain and I don't want that again."

 

There was then silence and I thought that was it - over. Later in the day we had this text dialogue initiated by her:

 

Her: "I'm watching a sad film and it's making me cry"

Me: "Wish I was there watching with you"

Her: "Me too"

Me: "Then why aren't we?"

Her: "You know why"

Me: "I know we are wasting something"

Her: "What are we wasting?"

Me: "A chance to make things right between us"

Her: "Let's hope we can"

Me: "Thats all I want - a chance"

Her: "You have the chance"

 

I know I've hurt her deeply and she's probably frightened to death of the possible consequences of being back with me. What's going on and how do I handle it?

[Clabs]

Hey Myrdden

 

My first comment on this would be to ask you whether you have dealt with the baggage from your previous relationship that stopped you from committing last time around?

 

"I know I've hurt her deeply and she's probably frightened to death of the possible consequences of being back with me."

 

Sounds to me like she was deeply hurt - I don't see that she is playing games. She almost certainly is confused as hell.

 

She has told you that you have a chance. So - can you commit this time around or not? If you truly think you can then don't p1ss her about - get off your backside and do something about it. If you cannot commit then leave her alone - she has been hurt enough already.

 

Mark

[Zorba]

Games or no, I think because she's talking to you, you do have a chance here. She even txted "you have the chance", unless that was a typo and she actually meant you had the chance. Even so she's engaging with you. Next time she suggests meeting, you pick a time and place and stick to it. Talk to her and more importantly listen to her and ask her what she wants from you and how you can show her what she needs. Do not say you've changed, just ask her what she needs. If she fails to show, ring her and tell her that you were prepared to meet and move forward at least and if she can't honour that, you have sadly little more to discuss and go back into NC.

[Myrddin]

Thanks Clabs and Zorba - commitment? Yes, I think I've dealt with it. Had an epiphany moment some time ago when I realised that to be with this woman I needed to commit fully and go the whole setting up home and settling down thing - felt like a weight had gone making that choice. She knows as I've made it quite clear whats on offer - it's what she's always wanted from me.

 

Is she playing games? I don't think so. It feels like she's frightened that if we get back together history will repeat itself (she's said this.) And the consequences of that are more pain for her. I suppose it boils down to can she trust me enough to try again.

 

Anyway, the situation went bellyup yesterday. I'd thought I'd do a little gentle probing on the 'chance and hope' thing she'd mentioned the previous evening and asked did she mean what she had said - I was looking for an opening to carry things forward. Long story short, she was on the fence again with 'I don't know.' So, I decided to back off and go NC again as I felt she needed more time to sort out what she wanted without me in the picture plus I'm not too good at coping with these seesaw hope then no hope situations. I then got the following text:

 

"It's probably best in the long run as we would end up hurting each other again. I will always love you and will never forget you"

 

Back to square one and nothing since.

[WaterIsLife]

It sounds like the time apart was difficult for her. She is worried what will happen. I think she needs reassurance, slow and steady reassurance.

[Myrddin]

Don't know whether I've done the right thing or not - opinions would be appreciated please.

 

After severing contact yesterday I heard nothing till this morning then I had 2 texts - first says are you ok, second says she hates to think I am upset, sorry! I ignored them both then a third arrived - a completely random one about the film Saw 4.

 

I sent the following word for word:

 

"If you don't want to be with me like I want to be with you then leave me alone please"

 

Did I do the right thing?

[WaterIsLife]

Thats a tough question. Tough in light of the past where it sounds like it was you who wanted the breakup and she was the persistent one.

 

I think it is natural for her to be wary now that you're the one wanting to get back together. Perhaps some persistence on your part is on order? To reassure her on your intentions?

 

I guess all I can say is to decide whether what you did was right or not by the history of what has happened. Nothing exists in isolation. I guess its really a matter of better understanding her thoughts, feelings, and insecurities.

[Myrddin]

Perhaps some persistence on your part is on order?

 

Never before has a random comment by an anynomous person had such an impact on me as your words above and I can only say thankyou.

 

I texted her this morning and told her where I would be at a certain time if she wanted to talk - no emotion, just that. To my surprise she turned up. And we talked - trust needs to be dealt with before we can move forward but it looks a promising start - the first meet is the hardest step to take. Thanks for the nudge - hope I don't balls up!

[WaterIsLife]

Never before has a random comment by an anynomous person had such an impact on me as your words above and I can only say thankyou.

 

I texted her this morning and told her where I would be at a certain time if she wanted to talk - no emotion, just that. To my surprise she turned up. And we talked - trust needs to be dealt with before we can move forward but it looks a promising start - the first meet is the hardest step to take. Thanks for the nudge - hope I don't balls up!

 

Hey, thats great! I'm glad to be of help!

 

Now if I can only do the same in my own relationships!....

[Ripples]

Having read your initial post again it would be helpful if you could throw some light on why you decided to end the relationship based on something she did in public. To be honest it sounds a little extreme. I think you need to clarify whether you are the saint or the sinner here...

[Myrddin]

Having read your initial post again it would be helpful if you could throw some light on why you decided to end the relationship based on something she did in public. To be honest it sounds a little extreme. I think you need to clarify whether you are the saint or the sinner here...

 

Hi Ripples

 

Neither of us were saint or sinner as such - although if guilt must be aportioned then I guess it was my inability to fully commit that was the culprit.

 

I'd had a very acrimonious divorce after a 10 year marriage to a women who developed bi-polar disorder after our first child - I ended up with custody of our two children and spent several years on my own just tending to their needs.

 

After several very short term relationships (6 weeks or less) I met my present ex - perfection on legs - I fell head over heels and so did she - all she wanted from me was to be together and set up home together. Rationally so did I, but emotionally it felt as if I was dragging a ship's anchor behind me. And there's the rub!

 

What followed was a classic push-pull situation - the more she pushed the more I pulled - she was getting unhappier and using alcohol as an emotional prop I guess - that coupled with her poor tolerence for the stuff (2 large glasses of wine and she's out cold) led to some interesting situations in public.

 

When I ran I wasn't running from her but from myself and it's taken me a long time to realise and accept that. In the long run - if we reconcile - I'm almost 100% sure I would be able to commit fully (I'd never be 100% until we'd got the keys to our own house.) Once that crossroad is passed through I know we'll be happy together with just the day to day problems of a close loving relationship to be worked on.

 

My only fear now is that I may have left it to late although the meeting yesterday was perhaps the first step in a long journey.

[Captain34]

seems to me she needs to see from you that you really do want to reconcile and arent just temporarily stringing her along.

 

if i were you i would communicate to her that you are serious about trying again, but that it still needs to be taken slowly to see if it will work. let her know that you do want to try that, and that itll be much easier if she can feel safe about it and see what happens.

[WaterIsLife]

I agree with Captain34. She's going to need some steady reassurance from you. And it could take some time, so be patient. Be persistent too. There may be times where her responses may give different signals. Understand how difficult it is for her to put her confidence and trust in you again.

 

That said, if you are truly sincere and she is too, doing this will give you a deeper and more loving relationship than you have ever had with her thus far. And it will be worth it!!!

 

Good luck!

[Myrddin]

seems to me she needs to see from you that you really do want to reconcile and arent just temporarily stringing her along.

 

if i were you i would communicate to her that you are serious about trying again, but that it still needs to be taken slowly to see if it will work. let her know that you do want to try that, and that itll be much easier if she can feel safe about it and see what happens.

 

Thanks Cap - good advice.

 

Time, lots of talk, reasurance, perseverance, time together relaxing and good old fashioned courtship are foremost in my mind. I guess I have to show her the new me without putting any pressure on her and then let nature take its course.

 

I get the feeling she will play the hard to get game for a while but I suppose that's a game worth playing if I hope to win her back.

 

On a positive note she told me later yesterday that she had an incredible urge to kiss me at our meeting so I guess the magic is still there and that has to be a good sign.

[Myrddin]

Good luck!

 

Thanks. I guess a good measure of luck in the mix does no harm at all.

[Clabs]

Hey Myrddin

 

"On a positive note she told me later yesterday that she had an incredible urge to kiss me at our meeting so I guess the magic is still there and that has to be a good sign."

 

I think this is a very good sign! Time for a nice bunch of flowers to be sent. Also - write her a love note. Write your note then cut it up into random little squares. Put all the pieces into an envelope and include some rose petals for a sweet smell. She'll have fun and excitement piecing the "jigsaw" back together!

 

Good luch fella.

 

Mark

[Myrddin]

Hey Myrddin

 

"On a positive note she told me later yesterday that she had an incredible urge to kiss me at our meeting so I guess the magic is still there and that has to be a good sign."

 

I think this is a very good sign! Time for a nice bunch of flowers to be sent. Also - write her a love note. Write your note then cut it up into random little squares. Put all the pieces into an envelope and include some rose petals for a sweet smell. She'll have fun and excitement piecing the "jigsaw" back together!

 

Good luch fella.

 

Mark

 

The flowers were ordered yesterday and should arrive at her home this morning - nothing too gushy just beautiful flowers and a single red rose in the center. Not so sure about the love letter - maybe a bit early for that yet - don't want to be too intense!

[Ripples]

Hi Myrddin

 

When it comes to wooing her back I dont think you need advise as im sure you know how best to melt someones heart.

 

On the surface it would appear that yours and her motivations are about controlling each other. As you say the push/pull dynamic is in full flow here. In your opinion will that subside following this initial dance or has it always been a dynamic of your relationship with this lady?

 

You say that she chased you hard when you left her. Was she equally intense during your relationship?

 

Are you confused by her actions generally?

[Myrddin]

Hi Myrddin

 

When it comes to wooing her back I dont think you need advise as im sure you know how best to melt someones heart.

 

On the surface it would appear that yours and her motivations are about controlling each other. As you say the push/pull dynamic is in full flow here. In your opinion will that subside following this initial dance or has it always been a dynamic of your relationship with this lady?

 

You say that she chased you hard when you left her. Was she equally intense during your relationship?

 

Are you confused by her actions generally?

 

Hi Ripples

 

I wouldn't say we were controlling - the dynamics have been more about her expectations of the relationship not being met by me. When I said push and pull I was referring to the almost innate sense that one gets that your partner wants more than you are offering - I knew I was holding back from total commitment and I'm sure this appeared to her as if I was stalling or even disinterested at times. She would then distance herself from me emotionally. It swayed backwards and forwards like that. Our relationship was very good in general - loving, caring, we were best friends and when we are together the sparks of passion really fly. I couldn't have hoped for more in a relationship.

 

To give you a short example of the dynamics in action, I remember one occasion when we were out for a meal and got chatting with a married couple of 20 years on the next table - I made what I thought was a funny quip about getting less of a sentence for murder but the look on my ex's face was one of total dissappointment as if to say why can't we be like that couple.

 

With hindsight I was the cause of her unhappiness and yet the solution was so simple and staring me in the face all the time.

[Ripples]

Sweet, in that case I think in your heart of hearts you know that this isn't just about getting back together again for her!! Sounds like she is looking for absolute commitement!

 

Tell me im wrong!

[Myrddin]

Sweet, in that case I think in your heart of hearts you know that this isn't just about getting back together again for her!! Sounds like she is looking for absolute commitement!

 

Tell me im wrong!

 

I think what I'm dealing with at present is her fear that if we reconcile she will get hurt again and that is now holding her back. I have no doubt that if we can re-unite I can commit - she can have the whole shabang if that's what she wants - march up the church isle, the lot. But the problem is getting her to see that and learn to trust me on it - and I think that's going to take time. She's cooled today following the euphoria of yesterday's meeting - I can tell from her texts that she's distanced herself - it's been like trying to get blood from a stone today.

 

I am resolved to see this through to a resolution one way or the other but I am struggling with what is best to do. Should I back off a little on these cool days (which I'm certain there will many more of) or go full on and risk frightening her further? Faint heart never won fair lady isn't always true!