Strange situation - need advice

[Ripples]

I guess in her mind you have hurt her, in which case your words will carry no weight. She will only judge you on your actions. Most importantly (and I have learnt this first hand) she will judge you on your actions for a long time to come, even if you get together.

 

Perhaps a cocktail of patience and loving actions on your part is the only remedy.

[Myrddin]

Perhaps a cocktail of patience and loving actions on your part is the only remedy.

 

I couldn't agree more - the next hurdle will be to get her to meet me again somewhere a little less rushed and more relaxed.

[Myrddin]

Update:

 

After the ex's frosty day wednesday (day after meeting and the day flowers delivered) yesterday was different again.

 

The day started with a text asking if I was ok - I casually replied good mornin - then a text arrived saying she's never seen such beautiful flowers and thanking me. I left off replying - thought I'd leave her with the moment. There quickly followed: "will you ring me if you get a chance", so I did. 10 minute conversation - wanted to thank me for flowers again! She'd been crying - said flowers had moved her. Cheekily asked had they moved her in the right direction. She replied, you'll have to wait and see!

 

I mentioned meeting again to which she said, we will.

 

The rest of the day was spent texting each other as she was working in the afternoon and evening. I described coming into her workplace and carrying her away like Tom Cruise did in Top Gun. She asked where would I take her - I described a romantic secluded seaside Inn and making love in front of a roaring log fire (yuk, I know.) She jokingly replied, how soon can you get here. I then asked would she go to which she said, in time.

 

The day ended with a simple text from her saying nite.

 

How am I doing? Any thoughts?

[WaterIsLife]

Myrddin,

 

I think you're doing good. Real good. Be prepared for two steps forward and then one step back though. Take it in stride.

 

Good luck!

[Ripples]

Perhaps a cocktail of patience and loving actions on your part is the only remedy.

 

Whatever you do you can not be resistant in any way to any weird stuff she may throw at you now. That way she will see that this time you are genuine.

 

Keep showing her and wait, dont push anything.

[Myrddin]

All gone pear shaped today. Asked her if we could meet over the weekend and was fobbed off with "not this weekend - keep in touch." Couldn't decide whether I'm being strung along or this is a genuine result of confusion and indecision. I decided to go NC again and sent the following text to her:

 

"Listen, I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I'm going to disappear for awhile to give you time and space to decide what you want for yourself - besides I never was any good at the will she wont she thing so I think this will help me as well - I'm sure you will decide what's best for you but I think this way takes away any pressure there might be from me. I hope you don't take this as rejection as I'm just trying to be as sensible as I can be under difficult times for both of us - hope you understand."

 

She replied with, "I understandd - I will miss you X

Followed very quickly by, "It is a difficult time and I think it's a sensible thing to do, it's not fair on you and I'm very confused as well - take care."

 

Several minutes later, "have I upset you?"

 

Later I had, "my flowers are lovely", followed by "sorry shouldn't text but I had to let you know once more."

 

So there you have it. I suppose this way I will know one way or the other - I'm resolved to keep NC and have deleted all phone numbers and means to contact her.

[Ripples]

How very odd!

 

NC means NC and is only about letting go. I doubt this is true in your case so it would appear you are playing games. How one day you ackowledge it will take patience and time and then then the next day spit the dummy doesn't reflect well on you.

 

I think my comment about control was spot on!

[Myrddin]

How very odd!

 

NC means NC and is only about letting go. I doubt this is true in your case so it would appear you are playing games. How one day you ackowledge it will take patience and time and then then the next day spit the dummy doesn't reflect well on you.

 

I think my comment about control was spot on!

 

Hi Ripples and thanks for the scolding.

 

I've got a very confused girl here who can't make her mind up what she wants and I feel I'm being dragged along on that rollercoaster with her. Is it controlling to give her the space she needs to think clearly and for me to step off the rollercoaster for a short time while that process is happening?

 

NC was perhaps the wrong term for me to use as my text to her clearly says for awhile so she can sort herself out emotionally without any pressure from me at all. I've deleted her numbers to protect that descision as I know the urge to make contact with her would overwhelm me otherwise.

 

Maybe I've sent the wrong signal to her - I don't know. I saw it as a loving act that would allow her some time on her own to reflect and decide - I don't think she can do that with me around - even the simple act of asking to meet can be felt as pressure to someone whose not ready yet.

 

Only time will tell if it was the right thing to do.

[Ripples]

Hi Ripples and thanks for the scolding.

 

Thx for taking it well!

 

Ive been through this dance before and I know only too well the hugely damaging effect it can have on all concerned. I also know that it shouldn't be this complicated and that alone is not a good sign.

 

I keep harping on about "control" because whether intentional or not that is what you are both trying to do by your actions. This is an undeniable fact and probably the main reason this isn't working.

 

Your current stance is the right one considering you couldn't tolerate her dithering. Feelings aside you have to now move on. You can't change (control) people but you can control you and regardless of the feelings involved you have to move on otherwise you will end up limbo.

 

If she comes back now she can only say one thing and that is that she wants to be with you. Those meaningless texts she is sending you can not and must not respond to - period! That is her controlling you and is actually very selfish of her. Ignore it!!!

 

I had to go through the exact same thing. It was hell on earth. I never heard from her again and I healed and moved on. You must begin this process NOW!

[Zorba]

Maybe I'm getting this all wrong but...

I've got a very confused girl here who can't make her mind up what she wants and I feel I'm being dragged along on that rollercoaster with her.

She's very confused? To be frank you're confusin' the hell out of me too. One minute it's roses and pink fluffy clouds, the next you're throwing your toys out of the pram, because she can't meet you one weekend? Very calm, collected and mature indeed. This is schoolyard stuff. It's like watching a tennis match, back and forth....

Is it controlling to give her the space she needs to think clearly and for me to step off the rollercoaster for a short time while that process is happening?

No, if that's your intention.

NC was perhaps the wrong term for me to use as my text to her clearly says for awhile so she can sort herself out emotionally without any pressure from me at all.

From what I can see she's been looking to you for reassurance emotionally and commitment for the future and basically you've been blowing hot and cold with her, by your own account. Now you're putting all the decision on her, a decision she appears to have been waiting for you to make. I can see how that's going to work out well.

I've deleted her numbers to protect that descision as I know the urge to make contact with her would overwhelm me otherwise.

A tad overwrought don't you think? For God sake man, you don't have to delete numbers, surely you can just not call. You know, a little bit of self control? In any case, the point is moot, as if you've been in a relationship with this woman, surely you know at least one of her numbers off the top of your head?

Maybe I've sent the wrong signal to her

You think? The last time signals got this mixed up was when someone on the Titanic asked for ice in their Scotch.

I saw it as a loving act that would allow her some time on her own to reflect and decide -

Sounds lovely, but frankly it also sounds like a cop out, again putting all of the decision she was waiting for you to make on her.

I don't think she can do that with me around

The impression I'm getting is the reason why she's all over the place is because you haven't solidly committed to her. Maybe some holdover of issues with your ex wife. Who knows. If it is over the ex wife, move on, grow a pair and deal with it, for your own sake.

even the simple act of asking to meet can be felt as pressure to someone whose not ready yet.

Good God man, she's wondering if you're ready. She's looking for consistent behaviour and commitment from you. You do know a little bit of pressure, or more correctly, making a stand is a good thing? Here again your actions are speaking a lot louder than your words. No wonder she's confused. She's given you all the signals, yet you pull this stuff. I'm surprised she's talking to you at all.

 

Only time will tell if it was the right thing to do.

Well take this time, to work out in your own head what you really want and hope she's still there on the other side of that. I suspect you're going to regret screwing this up if you're not very careful.

[Myrddin]

Your advice is good Ripples. I've no doubt there will be other text messages - that's been the pattern but I will ignore them all for my own sake and sanity.

 

She is a ditherer, always has been. I found out the other day that she visits the place I go for a smoke just to see if I'm there. It would be so much easier if we could look inside someone's head to see what the hell is going on!

 

I guess I have to treat all this as if it's over and move forward.

[Myrddin]

Hi Zorba

 

I can appreciate all you say and some of it has a distinct ring of truth. This situation has now been going on for weeks - I really feel that if I hadn't backed off at this point then I would have blown everything anyway - patience is not endless - I've repeatedly made my feelings clear, talked about our future - damn, I even asked her to set up home with me - I feel I can't make it any clearer what I want for us both.

 

The decision has to be hers and this 'stance' is the only way I could think of to end this awful indecision on her part, which frankly, is driving me nutz.

[Ripples]

I guess I have to treat all this as if it's over and move forward.

 

You must move forwards, no excuses. Ignore every dithering text she sends until you get a clear message with bells, whistles, flashing lights and gogo dancers saying "I want an exclusive committed relationship".

 

Until you get that continue to move on. The only way to regain your sanity is to let go now. Dont dwell trying to find emotional reasons to not accpet it because there are none. Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head!

 

If she wants you she will come.

[Myrddin]

You must move forwards, no excuses. Ignore every dithering text she sends until you get a clear message with bells, whistles, flashing lights and gogo dancers saying "I want an exclusive committed relationship".

 

Until you get that continue to move on. The only way to regain your sanity is to let go now. Dont dwell trying to find emotional reasons to not accpet it because there are none. Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your head!

 

If she wants you she will come.

 

I concur entirely with what you are saying - it's the only way to deal with this that I can come up with. Text just dropped now, "I know I shouldn't text just want to know if your ok" Arrrgh!!

[Myrddin]

Another mundane text: " had to take day off been poorly with period - hope your ok."

 

What's she doing? Is she after sympathy or just looking for a response?

[Ripples]

What's she doing? Is she after sympathy or just looking for a response?

 

She is trying to control you and the situation.

 

To agree to your demands of NC and then disrepect that request is selfish behaviour. Her adolescent behaviour is a red flag that confirms that NC can only be the proper course of action for you. This is the push/pull behaviour I was referring to. It means you cant win and it will begin to effect your own self esteem. That is why NC is right. Neither of you can just be "friends" at this stage. That can only happen after a sustained period of NC when you have finally been able to let go emotionally. She is trying to prevent that but you must look after number 1 and be strong.

 

Do not respond to anything!

[Myrddin]

She is trying to control you and the situation.

 

To agree to your demands of NC and then disrepect that request is selfish behaviour. Her adolescent behaviour is a red flag that confirms that NC can only be the proper course of action for you. This is the push/pull behaviour I was referring to. It means you cant win and it will begin to effect your own self esteem. That is why NC is right. Neither of you can just be "friends" at this stage. That can only happen after a sustained period of NC when you have finally been able to let go emotionally. She is trying to prevent that but you must look after number 1 and be strong.

 

Do not respond to anything!

 

I tell ya man - my heads on fire. I keep asking myself: what if I am wrong and should have gone the take it slow route?

[Ripples]

I tell ya man - my heads on fire. I keep asking myself: what if I am wrong and should have gone the take it slow route?

 

Because there were no guarentees. Her actions deceived her words.

 

What you are doing now is protecting yourself from innapropriate behaviour.

 

To put it another way she should have been the one to say "I cant give you what you want right now so for your own good lets create some space" but she hasn't.

 

She has hunted you down, pulled you in and pushed you away. That is very poor behaviour and totally unfair. If you want to be controlled further, with no guarentees except complete confusion get in touch with her.

 

This isn't about you getting her back. This is about you saying "no more" and your silence will be deafening.

 

Trust me!

[Myrddin]

I thought about replying with something like this which hopefully sounds like middle ground:

 

"I know this is a difficult time - for both of us - but I really do think that this time to reflect will help us both. I understand what you are going through but I'd like to try and work through this with you, but if you aren't ready yet, then I accept that."

 

Yes? No? Duct tape?

[Ripples]

You are going round in circles!

 

You have said this already. She knows it. The content is meaningless and you are simply looking for an excuse to contact her. It would be back to square one!

 

Why are you being so insecure?

[Myrddin]

You are going round in circles!

 

You have said this already. She knows it. The content is meaningless and you are simply looking for an excuse to contact her. It would be back to square one!

 

Why are you being so insecure?

 

It's more uncertainty than insecurity. I'll do nothing as it's the best option.

[Ripples]

It's more uncertainty than insecurity. I'll do nothing as it's the best option.

 

Dont kid yourself!

 

Sit tight. If you she is genuine she will let you know.

[Myrddin]

Thanks for the support - I do appreciate it - I guess it's difficult to get a clear vision from family and friends - they tend to tell you what you want to hear - but from a stranger you know that's not the case - thanks again.

[Ripples]

You are welcome.

 

bizarrely, helping others helps me rationalise my own thoughts about what happened to me.

 

It took me a long time to realise two very important things 1) you cant change people and 2) people will only treat you the way that you let them.

 

You are failing on both counts, and so is she!

[Myrddin]

Well Ripples - you're the man.

 

48 hours after my space and time text this arrived:

 

"I've thought about things and I want us to work things out x"