rokston Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 I also support your stance. You're doing the right thing to back away and let her resolve her issues. From now on maybe ignore 'i love you' text messages - while they are touching to receive, they begin to lose meaning without the backup of actions. I am in a similar NC situation with my ex (totally different buildup and background). Have been getting 'i love you' and 'i miss you' style text for over 6 months now. Now I am beginning to realize that responding to them, no matter how well intended just delays any sort of resolution. It lets the other one know that they have more time to linger.. Hope she works things out soon and in your favor! Good luck!! Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 17, 2007 Author Share Posted November 17, 2007 I also support your stance. You're doing the right thing to back away and let her resolve her issues. From now on maybe ignore 'i love you' text messages - while they are touching to receive, they begin to lose meaning without the backup of actions. I am in a similar NC situation with my ex (totally different buildup and background). Have been getting 'i love you' and 'i miss you' style text for over 6 months now. Now I am beginning to realize that responding to them, no matter how well intended just delays any sort of resolution. It lets the other one know that they have more time to linger.. Hope she works things out soon and in your favor! Good luck!! Thanks I've read your thread and certainly a similiar stance to mine may benefit you also. This 'loving takaway' concept is defined as delivering a loving ultimatum (I love you, sort yourself out and don't contact me until you have.) Of course, one has to be prepared to be extremely patient and let go all at the same time - not an easy task! Link to comment
rokston Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 A very very hard task indeed It seems so easy and natural to pick up the phone and tell someone you love them and hear it back. You have a laugh and get all positive about everything..... Then put the phone down and know nothing has changed. Or even worse, ask what's going on and hear the dreaded - "I am confused/not sure/not ready/<..fill gaps..>". .. and months down the line you realize it is not closer to being clearer than when it all started. Anyways, fingers crossed for all of us on loving ultimatums Link to comment
theonethatiwant Posted November 17, 2007 Share Posted November 17, 2007 Myrddin I believe that you are referring to some of my advice and I'm glad it was helpful. And now I am going to take some of your words and stash them away for when I hear from my ex at some point... "'Although I love and care for you very deeply and want to be with you, having any contact until the issues with (ex) are resolved is far from beneficial for either of us - I would prefer you didn't contact me until you are 100% ready and in a position to commit fully to me.'" Clear and to the point. To remain involved when they "are not sure" about anything- rebounds, motives, feelings, just feeds the process in which they don't have to get clear, they don't have to stand on their own, they don't have to commit. Over and over I was fooled by my ex's words, each time he came back I heard the same stuff. Then I began to see that these phrases meant trouble..."I'm going to try" "I intend" "I have no intention of going back there" subsequently his behavior didn't match his words. And they were always followed with "I tried".... I once heard someone say "trying is for brussel sprouts and broccoli, if you make a commitment then you just "DO" you don't try." For instance you don't try to tell the truth, you just do it. And she doesn't try to break up with this guy- she just does it......... Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 Struggled last evening when I received a message out of the blue: 'I need your support - (ex) keeps texting and ringing me - just let me know you're there xxx' After a few minutes and much deliberation sent: 'I'm here.' There followed chatty messages which included 'wish I was with you' and 'I am missing you.' I didn't respond to the emotional ones and kept the exchange light. At 3 in the morning: 'You're always in my thoughts xxx.' I could have ignored the lot but then if she is genuine about dealing with this ex in her 'way', my not responding would have sent a clear message of 'not interested.' Was I suckered or did I do the right thing by responding in the way I did? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 You did what you felt you needed. Only time will really tell the truth. I'd give anything to have my ex reach out to me for any reason so perhaps I'm not one to give unbiased advice. I wish I knew what it was that she did that finally turned your head after all that chasing she did... I'd like to work some of that magic on my ex! Hang in there... I'll hope for the best for you. Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 I wish I knew what it was that she did that finally turned your head after all that chasing she did... I'd like to work some of that magic on my ex! She didn't do anything magic to turn my head - that change came slowly within me - I suppose the low contact we had (which was led by her) and the work I had done on my commitment issues opened my eyes to the possibility of reconciliation. My feelings towards her hadn't changed, if anything they'd grown stronger - but my attitude had changed - and that took much soul searching and time. I had to balance that against the thought that maybe I had left it too late. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 How much time were you apart? Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 18, 2007 Author Share Posted November 18, 2007 How much time were you apart? About 8 months in all. After the initial heavy duty chasing had stopped, which went on for about three to four months (texts, phone calls, cards etc), she then settled into light contact mode interspersed with 'can we talk' and 'i love you' etc. It was the latest batch of these at the beginning of October that made my mind up to approach her emotionally again. I don't remember a time where contact from her was longer than a few days - certainly never more than a week. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 18, 2007 Share Posted November 18, 2007 About 8 months in all. After the initial heavy duty chasing had stopped, which went on for about three to four months (texts, phone calls, cards etc), she then settled into light contact mode interspersed with 'can we talk' and 'i love you' etc. It was the latest batch of these at the beginning of October that made my mind up to approach her emotionally again. I don't remember a time where contact from her was longer than a few days - certainly never more than a week. Well then maybe all isn't lost for me??? LOL!!! I've certainly settled into LC after several months of chasing and a good month of NC... No one here thinks I stand a chance that he'll ever call me again though.... Oh well... guess my story just isn't done yet! I prayed out loud last night for God to help me find a way to heal and that if my ex is waffling about us to give him the strength to see what we had was good although not perfect and that if I'm not supposed to find my way back to him then who is it that I'm meant to find.... then my phone rings at 3:30am as some guy who's been trying to hook up with me for 6months is drunk dialing and that maybe this time I'll take pity on him and let him have a booty call. I'm not one to question God's sense of judgement but I seriously have to wonder about this one!!!! LOL!!!! Hang in there.... She's confused but it's not all bad.... I think it will just take the two of you some serious time. Best of Luck Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 I don't know whether this is normal but I'm starting to resent her - her words that seem to have no actions to back them up are starting to cast doubts in my mind. Someone said to me yesterday that if she wanted to be with me and loved me as badly as she maintains then she would be with me. I'ts played on my mind as it has a ring of truth about it. Link to comment
Ripples Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 I don't know whether this is normal but I'm starting to resent her - her words that seem to have no actions to back them up are starting to cast doubts in my mind. Someone said to me yesterday that if she wanted to be with me and loved me as badly as she maintains then she would be with me. I'ts played on my mind as it has a ring of truth about it. er HELLO......! Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 19, 2007 Author Share Posted November 19, 2007 er HELLO......!I appreciate your cynicism Ripples but I guess we're both wrong lol. The ex is off the scene - she's told me this morning. Wants to meet tomorrow to discuss next steps in reconcilliation. Wish me luck! Link to comment
Ripples Posted November 19, 2007 Share Posted November 19, 2007 Im not wrong, time will prove this to be true! Enjoy your dance! Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 As of today I am one half of a couple again. Meet today was perfection - lots of laughing at the poor communication and the insecurity it has led to in both of us - doing same again tomorrow and then first official date on Friday evening. It's been a hell of a rollercoaster ride to reach today but the look on her face has made it all worth while. Ripples - I'm asking that you'll keep your fingers crossed that my dancin days are well and truly over. You've been the friendly cautionary voice that I've needed to hear and I thank you for that. Rokston - Thanks for the support and I hope it all works out for you whatever direction the fates send you - I'll be thinking about you from time to time. CatsMeeoow - You are one hell of a woman with an awful lot to give a lucky man - don't waste it on what could have beens, please. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. To everybody else a heartfelt thanks and good luck on your journeys. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 I'm so incredibly happy for you! It certainly has been quite a journey and perhaps you've learned a lot from it to move forward! Thanks for the advice! I think I'll print it out and carry it in my purse or better yet just embroider it on my bed pillow! I'm doing my best to keep my head held high! Best Wishes Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Myrddin, Good luck! And remember to have patience. She's been through a lot too! Link to comment
Ripples Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 Ive crossed my legs too! Make it work, im jealous! Link to comment
rokston Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 That's really great!! Hope it just gets better and better from here on!!! All my best wishes & thanks for your thoughts!!! Link to comment
Myrddin Posted November 20, 2007 Author Share Posted November 20, 2007 Myrddin, Good luck! And remember to have patience. She's been through a lot too! How could I not include you in my list! You, my friend, are the solid foundation - your empathy, serenity and strength of character shine through in your words and for that I will always be grateful. Link to comment
WaterIsLife Posted November 20, 2007 Share Posted November 20, 2007 How could I not include you in my list! You, my friend, are the solid foundation - your empathy, serenity and strength of character shine through in your words and for that I will always be grateful. Aw, shucks..... Thanks! Its been my pleasure. Link to comment
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