Strange situation - need advice

[Bella Amore]

See what I was saying? There is always room for hope. Just keep one eye open and one foot on the ground at all times until you get to where you want to be..... and try to see things through her eyes too. Good luck!

[Myrddin]

Saw her again yesterday for 15 minutes - chatted - she still seems to want "us" although I sense there is still, and will be for a while, some wariness on her part.

 

Evening went well - text messages were affectionate and for the first time I got "I love you" without a but attached.

 

There is also a hurdle to be overcome before we can move on further and that is breaking the news to her two children who still live with her (17 and 20) who have been critical of her and me in the past and, of course, the MOTHER who is a big influence on the ex. We've been here before and there is a certain 'dance' involved - she likes to wait for the right time to broach the subject as she's fearful of their reaction. It has taken up to a week for this to happen previously and then normality resumes. This is usually a tense time for me as I tend to be more upfront and my patience tends to wear a bit thin - not this time though I've decided.

 

Later yesterday evening disaster struck (or it may be a good thing yet to be seen.) At the same time a text arrived from ex saying she would 'sort it' when she can, a text message dropped from her 20 year old son clearly warning me off: Stay away from my mum and stop messin with her head etc. I didn't reply.

 

I texted the ex to warn her what had happened and there was silence for 3 hours. I was tempted to drive to her home (6 miles) or call but my gut instinct told me that would have been the wrong thing to do. Hope I was right in that decision.

 

Asked if she was ok - told her I was worried - let me know you're ok.

Nothing at first then: Im OK, don't worry x ru you ok?

 

Asked if she wanted me to ring: not a good time love, leave it for tonite, keep texting me x

 

Said I wish I could help, but didn't know how at present: You can't help and it's going to get worse, just be there for me.

 

Nothing then till this morning when she rang me. There had been a huge row with both kids. One of them had been snooping on her mobile - both had threatened to move out if she was back with me. Asked her what she needed from me at the moment - she asked for more time and for my patience. Also said don't disappear just be there for me. Reassured her as best I could and reinforced my commitment to her. I also suggested that our meeting today was not a good idea under the circumstances - she agreed. Asked her to keep me up to speed on what was happening and she said she would. Not heard a peep since despite sending her a couple of texts asking if she was ok and telling her she was in my thoughts.

 

Comments would be appreciated please.

[dreamguy]

Wait for her to reply.

 

Simple: You asked if you could do something to help, she said just be there for her, give her time and be patient. You then assured her that you were committed.

 

If you really care for her and you want to be with her just give her some time now.

Meanwhile, I think it's a good idea to decide how much time you are willing to give her if she can't seem to free herself from her children's/mother's influence. Do you want this to go on forever ? Will you ever be happy with her if it does ?

[Myrddin]

Got a few texts which were affectionate - I asked this afternoon if we were going to meet again and received the following:

 

"I cant it will cause too much upset"

 

Sent this so I can start to move on:

 

"it feels to me as if you're back on the fence again despite telling me you wanted to work things out - It takes two people to sort things and it feels like you're not there and I'm on my own emotionally with this - It's now obvious you can't make a decision and stick to it, so despite my feelings for you I have to let go for the sake of my health - I won't be contacting you again."

 

Reply came very quickly which I intend to ignore:

 

"You're wrong saying that but if it makes you feel better I accept IT"

 

It's very obvious to me now that there are insurmountable obstacles to a reconciliation and I must open myself to new possibilities.

[WaterIsLife]

Myrddin,

 

I understand how difficult this ordeal has been for you.

 

But, do you think that maybe you sent that text in haste? Its understandable to respond to her in frustration, but do you think this was the right thing to do? Particularly when she is at a point where she could probably use some reassurance and understanding?

 

Just something to think about. That said, I also understand that a point can come when enough is enough and you just can't put yourself through these things anymore. I know its tough.

[l9grl]

myrddin,

 

was she ambivalent during your five years together? or is this recent behavior from her?

 

do you want to marry this woman? live with her? what sort of relationship do you want?

 

would you be willing to do couples' counseling with her?

 

...and why, why, why are two adults using text as a form of communication?

 

I suggest you read this book in the meantime:

 

link removed

[Myrddin]

 

But, do you think that maybe you sent that text in haste? Its understandable to respond to her in frustration, but do you think this was the right thing to do? Particularly when she is at a point where she could probably use some reassurance and understanding?

 

I'm pretty sure I did the right thing in sending the text - she had me dangling again in a painful place I didn't deserve to be. I look at it this way: the cat was out of the bag when her children found out about us talking again - to me that would have been a perfect opportunity for her to carry things forward, but she hasn't - she choose to let it sit and do nothing. Basically I was back to the position I was in weeks ago - wating for something that might never happen because of her weakness in decision making.

 

I could have replied to the text in the manner you suggested but I think it would have just reinforced her stance of sitting on the fence and doing nothing - which would have been very unhealthy for me.

 

There is always doubt at the back of the mind when one takes a stand like I have - there has to be when emotions are involved. But there is also the counter thoughts that if this woman wanted to be with me as badly as she maintains then nothing on earth would stop her - and that just has not happened.

 

I had other texts from her yesterday which will hopefully give some insight:

 

"my life will never be the same without you and don't you dare think any less of that as long as you live"

 

Followed by: "I will always love you"

 

The next one was the first text sent again.

 

I have also come to the conclusion that she has not been honest about the other man I mentioned in an earlier post. She had said the other morning that her son had accused her of cheating on this man - at the time what she had said didn't register, but with hindsight how could she be cheating on someone she alleges she isn't with anymore? As much as I love her I wouldn't allow myself to be anyone's plan B.

 

I think it was ripples in an earlier post who said that things shouldn't be this complicated and that that was a red flag - I should have listened.

[WaterIsLife]

Myrddin,

 

I commend you for looking after yourself and your own happiness here. Thats something we too often can forget to do. Whether its in a relationship or dealing with other stresses/anxieties in life, etc.

 

You need to focus in making YOU happy now. Sure, you can have some hope that maybe things will come together with her and you. But you can not plan on it. You can't wait for it.

 

You're going to be all right!

[Myrddin]

I bet you lot think I write for Mills and Boon - even I don't believe what has happened today but here goes. lol

 

No contact from ex throughout sunday - on way to work early this morning text message: "Hope you're ok - I love and care for you" Ignored it completely as per plan.

 

Went to one of my smoking spots on a local carpark at around 10:15am - had had an appointment cancel on me so had a spare hour to kill. Been there about five minutes listening to radio and ex pulls up alongside - she must have been looking for me!

 

I just looked in amazement and mouthed: what do you want?

She asked through a wound down window if I was ok. Said I was. She just sat there, obviously wanting to talk. So I said: if you want to say something you better get in my car and say it.

 

She did. Told me of two sleepless nights - didn't blame me for text I had sent - understood why I had done it. What do you want?, I asked.

 

She described her fears about reconcilliation (which she wants badly) and the backlash from her family: how they would react. I told her that the fear of the event was likely to be worse than the event itself but only she could decide if she had the courage and strength to go through with it and that I would be there with her every step of the way if she did - if not then she needs to leave me alone and be happy with her choices in life.

 

I put my foot down hard - if she wanted 'us' then she must show me some commitment and let me see some progress otherwise I would disappear that deep she would never see or hear from me again - told her I wasn't prepared to be messed around any longer - me, a future or nothing - her choice, but do something.

 

She's going to speak with her mother this week - I think she needs her mother's support to do the rest. I suggested we meet in secret until these revelations to family had been made - she seemed reassured by that and agreed.

 

Whilst I was on a roll I asked about this other man - he's still around but she states there is nothing there for her - she doesn't want but he does - he's been persistent apparently but won't take no for an answer. Even though she has told him she has no feelings for him he says she will eventually - doesn't seem to be hearing what she's saying. My response was that he needs to be told about me and her. Said if it's not sorted quickly then again she won't see me for dust. I then told her I wanted a nice family christmas this year!

 

All in all a very positive meeting - I've set myself a time limit of 2 weeks for all this to happen which I think is reasonable. In the meantime I shall be reassuring, a little pushy and remain calm. If I get any dithering messages I won't react at all - not even a reply. On the other hand I will reward positive messages. As for myself I will press on with life, meet friends - just get on with it - I suppose try and compartmentalise my 'two lives' for the time being.

 

God knows if I'm doing the right thing - only time will tell. But I do find it encouraging that she came looking for me so soon after I told her I wouldn't be contacting her again - maybe this is the wake up call she needed. In any event I feel in control and that's got to be a good thing.

[Myrddin]

Last evening text messages were flying backwards and forwards - quite relaxed - ended with a 'nite xxx' from her.

 

Today started with 'mornin x.' text messages all day - a bit of flirting - she'd seen me through the window - I asked if she had been peeping - said she hadn't but was glad she had seen me.

 

Later bumped into her - she seemed a little strained but leaned into my car to kiss me on lips. Left her then - had an appointment. Sent a text saying how nice the kiss was - got one back saying it was and that it was a pleasant unexpected surprise to see me. She's also telling me things about her day by text which is good, I think.

 

Today, I've resisted the urge to push things - just want to let her have that space. Otherwise I've just gone about my day with a smile on my face - off out tonite with friends for a meal - had casually let her know this yesterday as she knows the friends well. She's just mentioned that we had some good nites in the place im heading tonite.

 

Any advice and comments would be appreciated - I need all the support I can get with this as I feel this is the last chance for reconcilliation.

[WaterIsLife]

I think you're doing well here. Take it easy and slow. Expect there to be a bump in the road too. This is difficult for both of you.

 

Definitely give needed space and do just what you're doing, spend time with friends and loved ones too.

 

I wish you well!

[Myrddin]

Odd evening - I think the fact I had gone out to enjoy myself had bugged her. I received a text saying: I miss you. Wasn't sure what to reply but before I'd made my mind up the 'I miss you' arrived again. I replied 'me too.' She asked what I was wearing to go out - I jokingly said I had thought scuba gear.

 

There then followed three texts messages at 10-15 minute intervals that all said, with variations, 'have a good nite xxx.' Couldnt respond as I was driving . I then got 'I love you.'

 

Later wanted to know if I was eating yet and what had I ordered - replied and then texts just stopped. I sent 'goodnite x' later but no reply.

 

The first thing that crossed my mind was had she been drinking! Trying not to overthink these things is very difficult to do.

[Myrddin]

Expect there to be a bump in the road too.

 

Like this:

 

"I can't see you again - its stressing me out and I have too many doubts - I hope you understand - I'm sorry be happy."

 

Sounds final. Haven't responded and will disappear into strict NC. If this is a hiccup then I think it's best I leave her to it, and if not then at least I can start to heal.

[Yodabell]

I think she likes the attention from you and the drama of it all. It doesn't stress someone out to reconcile with the person they love. You have given her loads of chances. It's like she's testing you - she tells you she can't see you, you go into NC (which proves to her that she's pushed a button), then she wants you back a few days later.

 

Is this how you want the rest of your relationship with this woman to be? A constant game of tug of war? She sounds insecure and needy - you can't fix her problems for her (take it from me, who has been that woman in the past) - only she can. You can only look after yourself.

 

She doesn't seem to even understand how her behaviour is affecting you. It's all about her, she's being very selfish.

 

Read "Bonds that Make Us Free" - it will help you to understand some of her behaviour, but also your own.

[WaterIsLife]

Also consider the history of your relationship with her though. You can't erase these things.

 

Sure, maybe she is being selfish. But ask yourself this: Does she have the right to be? I don't know the answer to this, but its worth asking yourself.

[alcide]

Keep on trying, cause all i think she is doing is making u feel wat u did to her, or make u feel how it felt when u were ignoring her, so right now u have to do the same, earlier, the better, good luck joe....

[Myrddin]

Is it worth having any hope or am I best to forget and move on?

[WaterIsLife]

That is something you need to decide.

 

I would say move on. Move on for YOU.

 

If something happens between you two at some point, then great! But I think for that to happen a lot of healing probably has to happen first. It would have to be sort of a new relationship, where both of you have grown.

[Myrddin]

The problem is I know these text messages will start again - thats been the pattern. Consider last night - the 'I miss you's' and 'I love you's' and now today's revelation. It's like she's flicking on and off like a switch. Is it intentional to punish me or born of genuine confusion?

[Myrddin]

As I suspected a text message this morning:

 

"lay awake again thinking about the wonderful things you've said to me and wishing you were lay by my side."

[CatsMeeoow]

I'm so sorry it appears that she is pulling your strings.

 

I have to ask because I'm intensely curious.

 

I did read your thread and maybe I missed something here or there but from what I understand you two were together for some time. Then you broke up with her... but she chased you for months??? is that right????

 

So when and why do you think you had a change of heart and decided that you do want things to work with her?

 

The reason I asked is that I was dumped. I spend months doing stupid things that ultimately just pushed him away. Looking back now and the contact we did have and some contact I did have with his friends is that during that time he was working on issues with us. He did think about me but the bottom line is that I never left him alone to think about it. I never gave him space and now it's seems he's done for good (which honestly I thought that the first time... had I only known of course I woud have backed off - like they say hindsight is 20/20.)

 

So what is it that you decided that you felt differently after all that chasing?

 

Just curious.

 

I do wish you the best!

[Myrddin]

So what is it that you decided that you felt differently after all that chasing?

 

I wanted a bit of space to get my head together and work out what needed to be done to address the dynamics of our relationship and breakup - I knew instinctively that I had a lot of work to do on myself in terms of my commitment to her, but she didn't allow that vital few days of calm. She chased like a howling banshee for weeks, and it's true that it does push you away - resentment starts to creep in to the point where you don't want to go back but worst of all it keeps any anger very much alive.

 

I eventually calmed and started to work on myself - the pressure from her had slackened by then although she was still there maintaining contact - I guess that took the pressure off me enabling me to do what I had to do with my own issues.

 

I'd tried to suppress my feelings for her but they just resurfaced with a vengence a couple of months ago. The catalyst for this was a string of text messages telling me she missed me and loved me followed by an invite to talk - I was also reassured by friends who told me that she was always asking about me - she told one that she still loved me. So I decided to take the plunge and, of course, the rest is written above.

 

Hope this helps - at least you may get some insight into the chasing thing.

[CatsMeeoow]

I wanted a bit of space to get my head together and work out what needed to be done to address the dynamics of our relationship and breakup - I knew instinctively that I had a lot of work to do on myself in terms of my commitment to her, but she didn't allow that vital few days of calm. She chased like a howling banshee for weeks, and it's true that it does push you away - resentment starts to creep in to the point where you don't want to go back but worst of all it keeps any anger very much alive.

 

Hope this helps - at least you may get some insight into the chasing thing.

 

Thanks...

 

I did a whole lot of chasing then followed by LC but I think I just overwhelmed him. It didn't help much that he had a lot of other personal issues - no job and was stressed out by a crappy one he took to hold him over. I see the error of my ways now... I think he was trying but I just flat out overwhelmed him.

 

I went NC for over a month and now back to LC.

 

He's happy now - just landed his dream job. But, it looks like he may have just met someone and is dating again. Maybe some of that happiness is from having someone new in his life. I realize it's just a date. I have NO idea how serious it is and certainly doesn't mean he loves them.

 

I'm afraid that I did too much and have permanently damaged things. I just don't know. I'm afraid to bring it up with him. I haven't asked about how he feels right now or how serious this date is.

 

I'm doing my best to keep my head held high.

[wastingaway]

CatsMeeow good point

I just lost my gf of 4 yrs and I am afraid of chasing her. She has had depression problems and moved out last week and i tried no contact but i talked to her some im always questions like where you been ?do you still love me? etc I know I need to stay away from her for a while. but what do i need to do?

[Myrddin]

CatsMeeow good point

I just lost my gf of 4 yrs and I am afraid of chasing her. She has had depression problems and moved out last week and i tried no contact but i talked to her some im always questions like where you been ?do you still love me? etc I know I need to stay away from her for a while. but what do i need to do?

Why not turn what you're doing on it's head and start to support her if she is depressed - maybe what she is looking for is a little unconditional attention. What you're doing at present is looking to her for reassurance hence the questions you ask her - perhaps it should be you doing the giving without expecting anything in return.