Does he not care about me?

[anita sandwich]

So I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months...We've been having a long distance relationship for the past month and will continue to do so for another 3 months. I am currently living with a male roommate, while my boyfriend is on the other side of the planet. Well, last week I took photos of myself naked with the intention of sending them to my boyfriend...and it so happened that my roommate saw them.

So not only does my boyfriend not care that I'm living with a man, but he also didn't care whatsoever when I told him that my roommate saw those pictures. He even laughed a little and said "well I'm sure he didn't mind seeing them."

I just want to understand what the deal is with that....

Because I know if the roles were reversed, I would be really jealous, paranoid, and pissed off. I don't want anyone seeing my boyfriend naked except me...

Does this mean he doesn't respect me? Or doesn't care about me...?

[melrich]

I think t would worry some guys and not others.

 

Wouldn't bother me for example (assuming it was accidental) and it doesn't mean I don't respect my partner or that I don't care about her.

[JeckyllNHyde]

Hm.. No I don't think so.. I think it just means that he is secure about it, and figured maybe there is a chance your room mate would see you naked in the long run. As long as you are not kissing or having sex with your roommate, he has no reason to be jealous, and he trusts you. Oh yea and as long as you dont spend wayy to much time with the roommate..

[Jayar]

I think he just trusts you and the relationship. His response was cute, funny, and probably accurate. I mean what would the alternative have been? He probably would prefer you didn't live with a male roomie, but since you do, he's not gonna get his boxers in a bunch over it. For some reason you seem to equate jealousy and insecurity with love.

[Mysterygirl]

Not all guys show jealously to prove they care for someone. You should be happy that you have found a mature, level headed guy.

[Jayar]

Not all guys show jealously to prove they care for someone. You should be happy that you have found a mature, level headed guy.

 

Yeah, and realize that YOUR hypothetical reaction is what I'd consider a problem. To me it almost sounds like you are doing things and telling him things to TRY and get a rise out of him. That's not healthy.

[Hope75]

This is the same guy you posted about that you suspect is cheating on you, right?

 

After 6 months, are you sure you want all this drama?

[Firehawk13]

I think he just trusts you and the relationship. His response was cute, funny, and probably accurate. I mean what would the alternative have been? He probably would prefer you didn't live with a male roomie, but since you do, he's not gonna get his boxers in a bunch over it. For some reason you seem to equate jealousy and insecurity with love.

 

Hit the nail on the head. Not that I'm not a hypocrite - I'd take that way worse than your boyfriend did. I might not say so though. Jealousy is a nasty emotion, and it's a pain in the ass to swallow back down

[dancinggal]

That was a cute response from your boyfriend! I'm sure he minds a bit, but what's done is done, and I think he probably just understands that.

[OOHMY]

Maybe he thinks your not much to look at so your roommate wasn't all intrigued?

 

He could just be one of those guys who thinks, "oh it was just an accident, at least I got some naked pics!"

[Batya33]

Yeah, and realize that YOUR hypothetical reaction is what I'd consider a problem. To me it almost sounds like you are doing things and telling him things to TRY and get a rise out of him. That's not healthy.

 

I completely agree with this and my guess is that you weren't 100% careful in keeping the photos discreet so that you could set up this situation and then see your boyfriend's reaction.

 

You also might want to be careful with the naked pictures unless you are ok having them potentially plastered all over the internet for, perhaps, a future man in your life to see.

[anita sandwich]

Yeah, there is way too much drama in this relationship considering it has only been going on for 6 months. I think I am the problem here, not him, and I'm trying to fix it.

Oh and I didn't let my roommate see the pics "by accident" to get a rise out of my bf....I would never do that. I'm much to insecure about myself to let that happen.

[Batya33]

yes, but you told him to see what his reaction should be. you didn't have to tell him that.

[anita sandwich]

no that is not the reason why i told him. I was upset about it and wanted to talk to someone about it...and I didn't have anyone else to tell. Would it have been better to keep that a secret from him? How are you supposed to be open with your boyfriend and get close to him if you can't even tell him things that affected you in your day?

[Batya33]

The way I act like a good friend or girlfriend is by not telling people things that will unnecesarily hurt him especially not out of my "need" to "tell someone" - that's selfish in my opinion. It's not his problem you don't have friends to share things like that with (although why you would need to share it, I don't understand). and I mean "unncessary" just like if you boyfriend thinks you look fat, he doesn't tell you that "in the name of honesty" and 'to build closeness" - he keeps his mouth shut because sharing that will unncesarily hurt you.

 

As far as getting close - close isn't about "telling all" - it's about balancing being open with tact and consideration. For example, if my boyfriend is really tired at night when he calls to say goodnight, that's not when I'm going to vent to him about work - even though I "need" to talk - I balance my need against his tiredness and need to just speak briefly and then rest. The best way I know how to be close is to build trust and you build trust by showing that you care about the other person's best interests. Telling your boyfriend that your roommate saw naked pictures of you because you "needed" to talk to someone was inconsiderate of his feelings, in my opinion. It's a good thing he didn't care because if he had, he would have been hurt by you for no good reason.

 

Just my humble opinion - obviously you don't need to build relationships the way I do.

[dancinggal]

I would have told my boyfriend too. Once, I was at home having a shower, and I walked out of the bathroom with just a very small towel barely covering me, and a bunch of real estate agents who were checking my house out (my parents were about to sell the place) at the time were right there, in front of me in the hall. They all stopped at stared at me (and yeah, most of them were guys), and then one of them is like, ok, we'll just give you some privacy, and I ran into my bedroom. I told my boyfriend, and he just laughed, because, lets face it, its a funny thing to have happen. I'm sure you're boyfriend is very much into you, and its great that you are being open with him. I'd say just have a laugh with him about it.

[Batya33]

The difference here is that she expected him to be jealous and told him out of her "need" to share it with someone not because she felt it was in his best interest to know. Telling someone something and expecting it to make them jealous is not very productive, in my opinion.

[dancinggal]

Anita, did you want him to be jealous? Is that why you told him? Or was it a genuine need to tell someone because you felt bad about someone else seeing you naked?

[Batya33]

In my opinion the need to tell someone doesn't mean you have to tell your boyfriend since it is not going to make him happy and it may make him mad - thereforeeee the balancing is "my need to tell someone" against "my boyfriend's best interests" - I would think if you care about someone you would sacrifice your need to 'tell someone" in order to act in his best interests. There was no emergency and you risked making him jealous or upset just because you "needed" to share the information. Obviously she was upset that he wasn't jealous, so her motivation was to make him jealous. I don't see how that reflects a caring attitude.

[dancinggal]

Yeah, its probably not a great idea to purposely make him jealous, if that was the idea. But if I felt bad about something, I'd tell my boy. I guess only you know what your motivations were, and in any case, you should have a good idea of how he would react to stuff you would tell him.

[Batya33]

if i felt badly about something and it would not unnecesarily hurt my boyfriend I would tell my boyfriend.

[anita sandwich]

no, I honestly didn't tell him to make him jealous. I have never been very secure about my body. I still wont even change clothing in front of my mom or sister...I'm really bashful about it for some reason. My roommate is also a coworker of mine and we were at work when he saw the pics...it was a pretty humiliating experience for me...especially because everyone at work probably knows about it now.

I told my boyfriend because I wanted to tell someone...and I didn't know who else I could tell...I also thought it would be good because I was being open with him (which I tend not to be).

After our conversation, I was going over it in my head and I started thinking about previous relationships and about how none of my ex's would have reacted the way my current man did. And I guess I was just wondering what the deal was...not a big deal...

[Batya33]

Next time you want to be more "open" maybe consider whether you are sharing out of need to share or out of wanting to enrich your relationship. I don't see how sharing that you were humiliated that your roommate saw you naked was going to enrich your relationship - but it sure could have risked him feeling hurt or very anxious about you living there. Obviously if someone assualted you sexually you should tell your boyfriend. it sounds like you "needed to tell someone" not that you wanted to share to increase the openness in your relationship.

 

It's a really significant sign that you must open up to other people in your life - friends - so that you don't resort to telling your boyfriend things that might make him feel bad or jealous for no good reason. He may have sensed that you were expecting him to get jealous and refused to give you the satisfaction. I don't completely buy that you weren't sorry.

[anita sandwich]

ok, thanks for your help, Batya.

[burner]

I wouldn't worry about it at all...thats a pretty good response although if it were my girlfriend, I'd probably be a little pissed but I wouldn't let you know, I would play it cool. He probably is a little mad, but hes not going to express that to you. You have nothing to worry about.