My boyfriend and porn

[Baby bear]

Hey there, it sounds like alot of girls seem to be having issues with their boyfriends and porn so I don't feel so weird about myself having issues with it.

I have been well aware of the fact my boyfriend has been looking at pron for a long time and it never really used to bother me because i didn't think about it much. But lately I got fed up with seeing him looking at it while i was on the other computer, he said "I only look at it while you're next to me because you like it too" I admit i don't mind it once in a while, but he would be sitting there saying "look at this one" etc. and I would tell him i wasn't interested, so I don't know where he got the idea he was looking at it because i was interested.

I don't understand why the porn has made me feel so uncomfortable, but i feel it has something to do with the level he likes to look at it, compared to mine. I might look at some say once every 2-3 months (as in a few sites), whereas he might look at porn every 2-3 days, viewing pages and pages, while also having common sites where he downloads mp3s.

I talked to him about this and he suggested he stop for a while until I got my head around it and we could work out together what i found wrong with it. I turned down his offer because I didn't want to stop him from doing something he enjoyed, although deep down it still hurt, and for some reason i thought he should have stopped anyway just because he could see how it affected me.

Well one night while I was at work he had come online and searched pages and pages of porn, and when I came home i asked what he had done! he never mentioned anything of the porn, the next day i viewed the history and found what he had done.

I guess the thing that hurt most about that, is that he didn't bother to tell me, and even when he owned up he said it was only a few glances behind his other work when it was clearly a BIG session.

I know I'm raving on, but i feel the need to just get this out!

Well finally my boyfriend and I have agreed for him to STOP using the porn all together and as far as i know he has. I guess I'm lucky that he has done this for me, but it was only through talking to him about how it was making me feel.

I suggest whoever else is having these problems just talk to him about it, and try to compromise, as level seems to be the killer. Get him to lower his usage a bit, and if he really does care he will help you out. I hope that doesn't sound cruel, but if he makes you feel bad for questioning him on it or mentioning the insecurity then he's never going to fix it and its always going to be a problem for you unless there's some miraculous cure for it.

Sorry for making it so long

Although he has stopped I still have the insecurity of him looking, I would appreciate replies.

[Evergreen19]

Guys will always be horny. Think of it this way--instead of having sex with another woman, he's looking at porn so he can get himself off and stay loyal to you. Guys don't mind when their girlfriends use vibrators for the same reason. Sometimes, the urge is there when your partner isn't, so think of it as a considerate gesture--albeit a disgusting one.

 

And yes, I'm one of the 100% of guys who looks at porn.

[chakka]

Baby bear, thanks for sharing.

Excellent post.

You are right that the level of porn watching can be more problematic than the actual fact that the guy is watching that stuff.

You are also quite right to express your feelings about it to your bf. I'm glad for you that you have such good cummunication in your relationship.

 

As for the way he lied about watching porn when you weren't there, I understand that it bothered you, but I bet he was just embarrassed. He probably felt like mommy caught him doing something nasty...

It really is harmless. It isn't the same as lying about something important.

 

Also, I understand why you wished he would stop the porn on his own, and not put you in a position to demand it. But guys aren't good at hints. We just have to tell them straight out.

 

Because you're a girl who does occaionally enjoy porn, and who doesn't seem to have any moral objection to it, you are in a much better position to reach a resolution with your bf than some other women.

 

Here's my particular attitude:

Personally, I don't mind the porn thing.

I too don't watch is nealy as much as my bf, so for me, it's perfect if he watches it sometimes without me. I don't ask about it. I think it's his private business, unless we happen to both be in the mood to watch together.

There is room for privacy in people's sex life even if they are in a relationship. That's where masturbation and vibrators fit in. You can do those things alone or together.

And in my opinion, porn goes in the same category.

 

But guys out there, don't use me as your excuse. Many women, unlike me, DO have a problem with it. They see it as going to an outside source for something you should be getting inside the relationship.

I really can't explain why some women see it like me, and others don't. But guys out there, make sure you know how your partner REALLY feels about it, otherwise one of you will always be unhappy.

[sticker_girl]

New to the site--hey all! Okay here's my question---i totally agree with not asking him to stop---i don't want to be the rag that doesn't let him do things. But what can I do that makes me feel betetr about it. How do i make myself feel like more of a person--like i can compare. I'm not the most amazing chick on the planet---but im cute, petite, nice body, never had a complaint of any sort. I may be modest--most times guys can directly tell me im hot but I will not say that myself. I think my guy enjoys the changes in teh bedroom now and then but soemtime they are hard to work in without seeming like a cry for attention. Like for example, he likes when i wear lingerie---and ilove to wear it---but how do you have a smooth riding night and slip into without jumping otu and saying hey look at me. It's not like the movies, when they just say im gonna slip into something more comfy. So what's the secret? Guys? Ladies? Can anyone help me out? He's not addicted to what he watches, but I'm hoping i can minimize it a little bit.

sticker_girl

[Enigmatic]

The thing which I think people need to understand is that the viewing of porn in no way is a reflection of how a person views their partner.

 

sticker_girl, your post while not directly saying it, kind of hints that you believe if you were more appealing or more attractive then he would look at less porn... this simply isn't true.

 

As I guy, I can say purely and simply that the viewing of porn (in many instances, not all) is totally and completely unrelated to how you feel about your partner, the amount of sex you are having or even how satisfied they make you. Those who say "If I satisfied him then he wouldn't look" should ask themselves if their man truly satisfied them, why would they use vibrator? Or manually stimulate themselves during intercourse?

 

Baby Bear, I think the biggest mistake your boyfriend made was in not realising how much it effected you. You could have come straight out and told him instead of "hedging" around it and expecting him to pick up on it (men are not mind readers you know), so in a sense you lead him down a trap and then got upset that he unknowingly triggered it. If you said you were ok, then you cannot blame him for taking any other action. Of course had he realised you were lying through your teeth he would have made things a lot easier, but it really isn't fair to be upset at him for not stopping it on his own if you didn't make it clear that is what you wanted.

 

The fact of the matter is he isn't cheating on you, he isn't talking to people on the net, he isn't flirting with people, he isn't looking to get anything outside of his relationship... he is just looking at porn. From what you have said, when you did make it clear it was hurting you he immediately stopped, he DID show you how much he cares and it doesn't sound like he has ever made you feel bad for making that decision.

 

Its natural that you are still worried if he looks at it, I am sure every time you are not there you are wondering what he is doing... that is where he needs to build up that trust again, so make sure he does whatever you need to restore that trust.

 

I used to look at porn a fair bit, and we had a similar situation to yourself. What she ended up doing was leaving me pictures of herself and now when I am feeling a little toey I look at them instead... much better than porn, and the fact she would do that for me really shows that she cares about our sexual relationship and wants to make things fun for us. I love her for doing that and I haven't even had the "need" to look at it ever since... its all a matter of "convenience" and now it is more convenient that I look at her photos

 

Let us know how it is doing.

[simone17ru]

ok. I found that my boyfriend would look at A LOT of porn last fall. Over winter break we were apart, but we did discuss the porn issue. I told him how it made me feel bad. How it made me feel less desireable, that i couldn't please him and that my body isn't good enough for him. He said, as most guys do, that pornstars aren't real, and that he loves me, it is just something that helps him get off. So i asked him if i sent him pictures and digital videos of me if he would stop looking at porn and would get rid of the stuff he had downloaded. He promised he would do that, because looking at me is more enjoyable, and he seemed really excited that i would be willing to do that for him. So i did. But now, he has been back for 2 months. When i use his computer i am disturbed when i'm looking for something i typed on his computer and the "recent documents" are all porn.....even kelly ripa for god sake!! As i'm typing link removed the auto fill thing asks if i'm trying to go back to link removed! And because of this, i started snooping, which i hate that i do, but can't help. So there in a folder labeled "old poli" is another folder marked "other" which contains one folder of me and 10 folders of porn stars. So obviously he has moved the porn to a different place that he thinks i won't see. What is up? what do i say? he made a promise to me. I have a digital camera on my night stand for god sake, he can take new pictures of me any time! I don't get it!!!! please help!!!!

[Sexlesssassy]

There are really two posts that ask questions the first one- my boyfriend looks at porn!

 

First, Please put spaces in your sentences, it hurts my eyes. I am glad that you can talk to your man about this. Why don't you try to find something you like in porn. The movies are great.

 

If he still gives you sex I wouldn't worry. Good Luck!

 

Second question- I look good but he looks at porn anyway! I am in the same boat as you. I am attractive and he still looks at porn. Hopefully you get sex though. I get it about 1 a week

 

I found a solution that made me happy. I had nude pictures professinally done. In a lot of them I am wearing some clothes. He loves them. I can even put them around so he finds them in the future. He was turned on and I feel better. Does he still look at porn---YES!

[Balthamos]

I agree with Jen...maybe the guys out there will think that I'm betraying all of us, but it makes perfect sense to me that girls should have a problem with their men/boys looking at porn. I'm not trying to say I'm better than anybody, I have looked at porn, sometimes pretty heavily, but it's something I've been working on and I've already cut it back alot, now I almost never look at it. Since I've been there, I can understand why guys like to look at it, but I was really surprised to see that people thought girls shouldn't have a problem with it. And by the way, I think this applies to even applies to relationships where there is no sex; whether or not your not having sex, you shouldn't be doing it, despite the "porn stars aren't real" argument, (which I have used as justification), it is my experience, and the experience of the guy friends I've talked to about this that it is demeaning to all women, including your significant other.

 

I do agree with most of the other posts that it is important to talk within your relationship about this and determine each other's comfort level, and if your significant other is bothered by it, then I think you need to respect that and at least attempt to do as she asks.

[poetgal]

I can't leave him because I love him so much, but there are many problems with my boyfriend and I regarding porn.

 

My last relationship was...I don't even know if you could call it a relationship. The guy basically wouldn't commit to me because he was still a virgin and I wasn't and he was determined to get a few girls in bed first before he would commit. I don't know why the h*ll I stuck around as long as I did but eventually I wisened up and left.

 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to make my new boyfriend suffer for my old boyfriends mistakes -- I know that this is different, and they are different people. But my new boyfriend knows about the old one and how I felt about what he was doing. He also knows how insecure this left me.

 

He looks at porn...all the time, even after promising me he'd stop. I sometimes cry, and get angry, and it seems to have an effect on him but then two days later it's like it had no effect at all.

 

He's a caring guy. I know he loves me. But he does this all the time and it makes me feel bad. He doesn't understand that. He says my problem isn't him -- it's myself, and that I need to just feel better about myself.

 

Which is hard to do while he's doing this. And no matter what, I know I will never be okay with him looking at porn. I've told him this. And even if I could just get over it, I have an even bigger problem with lying. And he lies to me about it. Even when I've obviously caught him red-handed, he lies.

 

The other day I found him looking at a picture of a naked girl. The next couple days were really rocky between us...and then we made up. Then I was talking about how thin the girls legs happen to be, and how I thought it was gross...(hoping he would agree) and he said "she probably takes ballet." and I was like, why would you think that? I mean, what would make him jump to that conclusion, right? He said his last gf was a dancer and talked about that sort of thing constantly. I've seen her though and she isn't thin, so it's not like he'd know just from looking at her.

 

So today I looked it up, and it turns out that that girl did take ballet.

 

Of all the ways to dance why did he say ballet? I believe he looked it up. And while it's stupid and such a little thing, he still lied to me. I hate to be so suspicious and certain of that, but he always lies to me, or I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm in my last relationship, where what I feel and want goes on the back burner. I eventually gave up on that relationship because I saw what a waste of time it is to sit around hoping that someone will change, when they can only do that when and if they want to. If you force them, you'll be sorry later. I know that. So I'm staying with this guy...he says he'll stop eventually...but he still looks at them...and I worry about the lying more than anything else. It's little things now...and only about porn (and he's told me that he lies about it so I don't make a big deal out of it cause him looking at that stuff isn't a big deal...but I told him I just hate it when he lies and to at least not lie about it) but what if he lies to me about something bigger in the future.

 

I love him but it hurts. I feel trampled. What should I do? I know he'll never stop looking at the porn for me. But he has to stop the lying. He just has to.

[reeseb]

Well, it sounds like a lot of women have this problem. I too have this problem. I don't mind that my bf watches porn but it makes me feel like he would rather watch porn than be with me. He doesn't look at it when i am home he waits until I leave but that makes me feel worse. I have suggested he share it with me but he won't. I think it's better that he watch porn than cheat but if they would just be honest about it and not try to hide it from us then we wouldn't be so insecure.

[sunshine17]

I got up in the middle of the night last night with a toothache and walked in to our living room to find my boyfriend jerking off to porn on the net. I felt physically sick and got upset. When I did this, he got very angry with me and said I was making him feel like its something wrong and dirty....but i can't help my reaction. I sort of knew he was doing it, but he confessed he does it a lot and that why he keeps getting up late for work. This makes me feel horrible, and I can't get the image out of my head.

 

Even if I sleep with him every night he says it still might not be enough...he's almost insatiable and because I work until late in the evening sometimes and also have health problems, I dont always wanna have sex....but its not like we have a barren sex life, he gets his share!

 

I now dont know what to do about it, I hate the idea of him watching it while i'm in bed asleep, but i know its his right to do it. I dont feel like I wanna have sex with him at the moment, as the image of walking in on him makes me feel sick. I think its normal that women get like this when their boyfriends are caught out.....we feel inadequate and like we're not enough for them...its usually a different side to them which we dont know about.

[dab0mbai55]

last night, my boyfriend of a year looked at porn. while i thought he was no longer on those sites, and our relationship had been a little rocky for the past two months, we came to a place where we could finally be open and happy again together. until last night.

 

i am a pretty open person and porn has never bothered me. i guess what bothers me is that he lied so fervently about it. saying that masturbation is a private thing, but at the same time, our sex life has been dwindling. we are on a road of recovery for our sex life, and it has been happening more frequently, but i cant help but think that maybe his porn viewing is affecting our sex life.

 

he says that his looking at porn has nothing to do with us. i dont believe that for some reason. i dont know if im just hurt, or what, but for what ever reason, im extremely enraged at his lying and porn looking.

 

i dont know how to handle this because i've told him straight up that i can not handle it RIGHT NOW. maybe in a few weeks, months or whatever i can be all right with it, but right now, i am so not. and i dont think he will stop. he goes out of his way to make sure i dont ever find out becuase he knows how horrendously i react to his porn viewing. he has even created screen names so i wont know that he's on line looking at it if we're not together at his apt.

 

am i crazy? am i wrong to ask him to stop? or a better question is, if he knows how much it hurts me and he doesnt stop, does that mean he doesnt love me or care enough about my feelings?

please any advice would be so appreciated.

[dancerchica]

It looks like I'm joining a seemingly large group of women who have this major issue in common. I found pictures my bf printed out and a magazine about a year and a half ago. It was a huge drama and we almost broke up but I gave him another chance. Well... three weeks ago I was snooping (I wouldn't snoop if I could trust him with this!) and found out he had actually joined one of those porn video websites and had viewed videos and pictures. I also found a couple print-outs under his mattress (p.s. guys... we check there!). Again, it was a huge drama and again almost a break-up, but once again, I gave him another chance. I even decided I needed to make a change in the bedroom and increased the number of times a week and the things that go on. One strange thing is that he hardly ever iniates sex. I know he wants it a lot (hence the porn?) but I always end up making the first move... I feel like a sex freak or something though I'm initiating it for him! I really think we have a great sex life and I thought that would equal no more porn. Well... at his apartment, snooping again, I found more pictures in his temporary internet files he looked at a week ago. The good thing is that he hasn't accessed the videos and it seems like he hasn't looked at much porn since the episode 3 weeks ago. BUT HE'S STILL LOOKING!

 

poetgal, I completely understand what you mean about the lying. It's not just to me, either. He makes excuses for missing class and appointments to other people all the time. And he has a habit of leaving parts of his day out of our conversations... maybe because he thinks I'll be mad? I don't know. But anyone who has a similar situation and a solution, please post or pm!

 

And anyone who can give advice on where to get nude professional pictures taken, please pm... I'll try anything!

[hazel eyes]

i'm sorry but i think he still looks at it....

although at least he is being considerate and not letting you see it anymore.

 

Porn to me feels like cheating, he is looking at naked women...to me its the same thing as a women infront of him standing there naked. oh wait it is the same thing. he cant touch and cant have her, but would you still let him have a woman standing there in the room naked touching herself?

 

same thing with strip clubs. If he has you he shouldn't need the porn but unfortunately they will always say 'we are guys, we cant help it.' same thing a man that cheats on his woman says...

[prettymommy39]

I am really glad I found this site about other women having the same issues I have been experiencing with my boyfriend, because I really thought I was going crazy. My boyfriend of three years is an educated upstanding member of our community. We have actually had conversations about my friends and their boyfriends looking at porno and the many problems it has caused them. My boyfriend stated to me on more than one occasion "I would never look at that, it is a waste of time". He actually put my friends' boyfriend/husbands down for looking at porn. Well, he really had me convinced.

 

I had to use his computer at his apartment one afternoon, and was a little suspicious due to his phone line always being busy. I wondered what can he be doing on line so much and late in the evening....well, I saw that he had been looking at porno. I was devasted, sick to my stomach, felt betrayed and lied to.

 

I confronted him, of course he denied it at first, then admitted that he looked out of "curiosity" and promised "never to do it again". Well, three months later, I found playboy in his nighstand. More lies, more confrontations and more justifications. What upsets me so much is that our sex life has tapered off, not because of me, but because of him, he says he is tired all the time. We are both very busy with our jobs and I have children. He lives in his bachelor pad and does not have children.

 

I am always interested in sex, have never denied him and would like it more. He is the one who is racing off to class, work, meetings, etc....I have told him I am not happy about the porn and don't want to see it around and how it makes me feel (unwanted, not worthy, insecure).

 

He insists that it is a "guy thing" and has promised to not look at it. I have keys to his apartment and have snooped. The last few times I have not found anything in his nightstands, mattress or under the bed. I do not have access to his computer anymore because he has changed the password and I do not know it. I have to assume he is probably still looking at it, but now is sneaker and knows how to hide it.

 

After I discovered the porno and the fact he was lying about it, it opened up the possibility that he could be lying about other things. Needless to say, I snooped more in his apartment and found out that yes, he did lie again.

 

This time is had to do with another woman that he has been friends with for the past ten years and worked very closely with. She was in our "circle of friends" in our small community and was also in a supervisory position of my current employment at a not for profit agency (she was on the executive board and was in charge of my job performance reviews and salary recommendations). I had always had that weird "feeling" in the pit of my stomach about her. She was very pretty and my boyfriend had mad an offhanded comment to me that he thought some "red heads" were attractive. Of course she is a red head. I always sensed that something had happened between the two of them, and asked him. Again, he denied it again and again. He actually told me I was paranoid and that he was worried about my mental health. He suggested I start counseling again and threatened to break up with me because of my insecurities and jealousy. He felt that I was irrational.

 

Well, come to find out, not only did he lie about the porno, but yes he had an affair with this woman right before he met me. She was married, he was having an emotional afffair for about six months and then slept with her for another six months.

 

So now we have the porno lie and the lie about Shannon. That is her name. I confronted her. She denied, but when I told her I had proof, photos, letters, etc....she resigned from my board of directors and that was that. She now has no contact with my boyfriend and told him to get the letters and photos from me and destroy them. I handed them over gladly.

 

My boyfriend has since told me he would never lie to me again and that his affair with her was something that happened before he met me and that it has nothing to do with us. I still feel hurt that he lied to me when I felt something had happened between the two of them and expressed that concern, and he still lied. Also I was not happy with the fact that he supported her decision to be on my board of directors and in a supervisory position.

 

I am still trying to sort through all of this and decide if this is a losing relationship that I need to end. I am still not secure and have a hard time beleiving him and trusting him.

 

Do I continue to snoop and try to find out if he is still lying about things? Do I try to figure out his password to get into his computer to see if he is lying about other things?

 

Is it worth it? Three years have been invested, he loves my children and they love him. He is not abusive or mean. He is supportive, kind and generous.

 

Are these lies understandable? Could he be lying about other things?

 

Any advice?

[prettymommy39]

Okay, so any advice from guys or gals on what we should do about the porn stuff. It seems everyone has the same issue, but what can be done about it? Do we just put up with it and try to deal with it? I am not sure.

 

I asked for advice about my previous post, but no one responded.........I am still with my boyfriend but have stopped the snooping. I am too busy to be worried about what he is doing or not doing in the privacy of his apartment.

 

I figure, if that is how he gets his kicks, looking at images that are touched up and fake, then he is losing out on real intimacy with a real woman and eventually I will either get sick of it, or meet a man who doesn't need to look at that garbage because he is so busy fulfilling his desires with me!

 

What is everyone else doing and how are you all handling this?

[Jaiex]

This is related to the topic, I guess.

 

I used to look at porn and masturbate A LOT, like an hour at least every night. After 2 months I was disgusted with myself and realised how dependent I was on fake women with no clothes on. I decided to try and stop comppletely, and it was very hard for me to go to sleep with the sexual urge still there. After about a week of not looking at porn, I was still going strong, then a couple of days later I looked at porn. About 5 weeks ago I quit again, and I havn't mastubated since, which I'm really proud of.

 

Yeah, that didn't really help anyone in this topic, did it? Lol.

[prettymommy39]

jaiex......are you a guy or a gal.....I am assuming you are a guy.

[inlovewithher]

wow... I really hope to make a difference here. From a guy's perspective, and really loving my partner, I hope that we can all find a solution to this problem.

 

First off, I think in most cases these days, the internet has had a huge effect. After reading this thread (im a new user) I see that there has been a huge gap created between men and women when it comes to porn viewing. Guys masturbate, some guys masturbate a lot even in relationships. I don't think it's right to blame guys necessarily. Like a smoking addiction, I never knew when I started how much this habit would impact my future relationships. And now I wish I had nothing to do with it. This habit has gotten out of control with the help of easy internet access to millions of different pictures and categories to get off on. It's quicker than ever. but then again it's never quick. Once you get sucked in you can't help but zone out and keep looking. This bad habit started way before I ever understood the value of a beautiful female companion in every aspect. It's almost become as common as taking a shower. I wish it were just as easy as turning it off.

 

My girlfriend is amazing. we have been in a relationship for 5 years and this has been an ongoing bump. I think it has also attributed to other problems too unfortunately. those have not been fun. I'm speaking of jealousy issues. This porn issue also makes it difficult to solve other issues having nothing to do with the subject. So all in all it's become a major hang-up in the development of what could be an incredible partnership.

 

For those of you who feel your BF doesn't love you simply because he watches porn: I am 27, pride myself on being honest, always. Caring, loving, ambitious, in the creative-field, never come close to ever cheating with anyone. I love and care for her as much as I do my brother and parents if not more. I may act as a "dumb" guy sometimes, but at heart I will always love her no matter what is being said or not said enough.

 

I really believe that some of you probably have very loving boyfriends that truly love and find you extremely attractive, sexy, etc. I just want to point out that this habit does not take away from that attraction, not directly. However I can understand how it can effect your feelings causing you to question. I believe if we could all put down the fingers, measure how much we really care, and creatively work on solutions together, then we can mutually move forward. I'm sorry that we've brought this burden to the relationship. I think most men will feel the same with given time. With the conditions of today it's been too common pick the habit up and carry it thinking it was ok. so don't hate your boyfriends for it. If you love him, you can help turn him around to see and breath a different perspective, and hopefully turn off or turn down that almost instinctual habit.

 

My girlfriend was very cool about it at first. She didn't force me to quit but she did put the pressure on. It worked for a little bit, but it has always come back. She now says it's cool if I keep masturbation to places like the shower as long as it has nothing to do with porn, but I'm learning that she isn't really comfortable with that either, and that may be because of the past porn issues.

 

The rate of our sex relationship fluctuates from decent to bad. we have very stressful creative jobs that keep us both really tired and busy. When we do manage time off, everything is pretty smooth, and sex life is a lot of fun. But during the hard work months it's difficult to take the time to talk at lengths, and having patience. Sometimes I'm in the mood and she's not, vice versa, yada yada. We've found that simply taking 5 minutes to "make-out" usually has great results. This is because during those mins. we forget about everything we were stressing about and we get turned on!! This leads to some pretty good sex (30mins to an hour), and everything feeling good all around. But then the act of "let's go make out" has died down a bit too. Not sure whats next. We'll find something exciting.

 

It's been about a week since looking at porn. I was just looking at it breaking that streak minutes before finding this thread. I do care, and would like to shake the habit. It's not easy. I hate the fact that if she has the urge to ask if I did tonight, I will tell the truth, and that will lead to some friction. which will lead to no sex and no solution. It's also very frustrating that she asks when I'm not looking at it. Sometimes I think it's better if she doesn't ask. but then where does that lead?

 

Lastly!!! I strongly suggest that you women who have "professional" nude photos taken be very careful who is taking your pictures. I hate the thought of my girlfriend's pictures landing on the web. She would be devastated and It makes my stomach churn. You couldn't measure the amount of guilt I would feel for something like that happening. having photos sounds like it may be a good idea, but not a lasting one.

 

I really hope the best for all of you. I will follow this topic for awhile. I think this has become a very important issue to address and learn from. Our kids will go through the same experience one day. I would like to know if there are ways to help them before it's too late.

[OceanEyes]

I liked the last post, I thought you were very real and honest, but at the same time giving some hope to women out there with real emotional issues with their parteners and pornography.

 

I actually like porn, but for some reason it makes me a bit jealous to watch it with my boyfriend and to see his reaction. I know exactly what the other women here are talking about when they say, "I don't like the thought of my boyfriend getting off to the thought and sight of another woman". I've asked my boyfriend why he thinks viewing porn is "ok". His answer to it is simply, "it's just for entertainment, and it's completely not interactive". Fair enough I suppose. Interactive in the sense that he's only "watching" and not touching or actually communicating with the woman. In my case I think it's sort of me being a hypocrite, since I enjoy pornography from time to time while he's not around. I definitely prefer to engage in sex with him, but sometimes that isn't an option.

 

Ladies, the only time that I would be concerned with a porn "habit" is if you notice that he is paying more attention to images and videos than he is to you, and respectfully, your sex life. Most guys are into some porn, but reading here, there are some guys with a seriously heavy appetite for it. I would be offended if I continually busted my boyfriend viewing porn and lying about it, since I probably wouldn't be that upset in the first place. Who needs to get off like 4, 5, 6, or more times a day? To me, that's a little pathetic. I personally have a bit more that I like to do with my spare time than spend hours masturbating. I would find excessive masturbation an immediate turnoff in a mate, almost a warning sign that I could never satisfy him. I don't know about the other girls here, but I don't have a desire to have sex 4 times a day!

[Carbonel]

From my experiences with talking with guys, porn seems to the majority of them as being simply a means to an end - something that allows them to be completely selfish and not to have to consider a partner and just do it! A lot of them don't seem to find the women themselves overly attractive, but perhaps enjoy the clothes or the positions or activities. I've not heard from a single male that they prefer porn to their partners, or even the look of the women to their partners. I even know a lot of men imagine that it IS their partner in those clothes and doing whatever is displayed in the porn. I think its perhaps the same as when women fantasise about different scenarios or perhaps read erotic literature.

 

I think you need to separate the issues, are you upset because of him looking at the porn or are you upset at the deception that takes place when he's hiding the fact that he looks at it?

 

If your problem is with the latter then I think you need to make him realise that its the lying that is the problem and not the porn, if you let him know you don't mind then he'd probably no longer feel the need to lie to you.

 

I dont think your bf hiding/lying about looking at porn necessarily means he'll be lying about other things too. Its an intimate subject and when its obvious you dont have a positive reaction to it, it is understandable he'd rather not admit to it when you ask.

[sweetp2714]

Wow all of ya'll, I feel overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions when I read all of the posts on this thread! It's comforting to see that there really are women out there who feel the same way I do about their significant other's porn veiwing. I honestly was starting to believe I was the last woman on earth that did'nt think it was right! Or at least my husband had me feeling that way! I wish I had some advice or something to say to you all that might make things better, but I don't. I have been dealing and coping with the issue my entire marriage, pretty much from day one! My husband had an huge obssesion with porn, paticularly internet stuff, but pretty much anything he can get his hands on. But lately, this past year or so anyway, I have noticed his tastes have changed in some pretty concerning ways. His typical veiwing used to only include pics of naked girls, basically like you'd find in a playboy. Nothing out of the ordinary. But now he seems to be into young girls, about 13 or 14, some a bit older. But definitely under 18. As well as some really disgusting stuff that I just think is extremely tasteless as well as degrading. I am wondering is there really such a thing as being addicted to porn, like a sex addiction? I think that may be what has caused the new varieties, but hubby says he does'nt have a problem with it. Oh I don't know what I'm writing this for, obviously I'm probably only scaring some of you. I just wondered if anyone else has a significant other that looks at stuff beyond the ususal types.

[sweetp2714]

Wow all of ya'll, I feel overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions when I read all of the posts on this thread! It's comforting to see that there really are women out there who feel the same way I do about their significant other's porn veiwing. I honestly was starting to believe I was the last woman on earth that did'nt think it was right! Or at least my husband had me feeling that way! I wish I had some advice or something to say to you all that might make things better, but I don't. I have been dealing and coping with the issue my entire marriage, pretty much from day one! My husband had an huge obssesion with porn, paticularly internet stuff, but pretty much anything he can get his hands on. But lately, this past year or so anyway, I have noticed his tastes have changed in some pretty concerning ways. His typical veiwing used to only include pics of naked girls, basically like you'd find in a playboy. Nothing out of the ordinary. But now he seems to be into young girls, about 13 or 14, some a bit older. But definitely under 18. As well as some really disgusting stuff that I just think is extremely tasteless as well as degrading. I am wondering is there really such a thing as being addicted to porn, like a sex addiction? I think that may be what has caused the new varieties, but hubby says he does'nt have a problem with it. Oh I don't know what I'm writing this for, obviously I'm probably only scaring some of you. I just wondered if anyone else has a significant other that looks at stuff beyond the ususal types.

[uksgirl]

Hi guys...I joined this site to get help with this very topic...see "My bf uses hard core porn as a method to get 'off'...A LOT!" I find it to be a huge stressor on our relationship. I do adore him but can't deal with the feelings his obsessive usage of porn gives me. I feel worthless... embarrassed about it, like I am not pleasing him....anyway...not good the way it makes me feel. But what can be done about it????? I need advice...before this gets way out of hand. Very interested in hearing a guys point of view on this topic...preferably someone in a long term relationship that has had the same issues with their gf's. Is there a solution??? I don't want him to start lying to me about it..... And I don't want to lose him...but I just can't see taking this relationship very much farther while having these feelings...inadequacy sucks...

Thanks....

[OceanEyes]

Is there a solution??? I don't want him to start lying to me about it..... And I don't want to lose him..

 

Try to understand what he gets out of it. I guarantee that it has little, or even nothing to do with you or how 'adequate' you are in the bedroom. However, that being said, it doesn't change the fact that his use of porn is hurting you and making you feel as if you don't "measure up". That's serious business.

 

You can try to talk to him about his porn usage. Don't be intrusive or angry about it, but instead, ask him what he likes about it. If he's really a guy you should be with, he'll reassure you and help you to understand it.

 

Most guys enjoy porn for purely visual, innocent reasons. No offence to the guys here, but they tend to be less able to control themselves sexually. I've found that they also need sexual stimulation more often. Let's face it, you're not always going to be around when he 'needs it'.

 

This is going to sound cut-and-dry, but try not to take it personally, unless of course, it's affecting your REAL sex life. I know my boyfriend watches porn from time to time, but I don't ask about it and to be honest, he's as attracted to me as he's ever been. It's just a simple indulgence that most men here (if they're honest) will admit to liking.