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Update: She's Moved Out, But Says Things Will Be OK?


missingthebears
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So, I posted some stuff here a while back here about the situation I have with my girlfriend. It's been awhile since I posted, so I thought I'd update the status and troll for some suggestoins and advice. I really need em now, more than ever I think. I know the post is long, but please read through it and let me know what you think. This forum has always been great to me in the past, and your comments have always helped a lot. This is the hardest 2 months I've gone through in my entire life I think, and I really want to be with this girl more than anything. Stressing in a big way... What a mess...

 

To recap, my girlfriend of almost 7 years and I have been having a really tough time together lately. She cheated a while back, and a bunch of other stuff too, and just seems full of self-hatred and is depressed. When I found out, I was shocked and hurt but told her that if she still loved me that I wanted to work through it. She said she did still love me, and that she wanted to be with me, and what she had done was a stupid mistake. BUT that she didn't want to hurt me anymore, blah blah, and was going to move out of our place back to her parents' house to "find herself" or "get better" or something like that. She could never really explain exactly what it was she needed to do, and I've always kind of thought she was just trying to find a "nice way" to end our relationship, but other signals seem to say otherwise... And I'm always guilty of trying to look too deep into things. Frankly, I'm just really confused and still madly in love. I'd do anything for her.

 

So anyway, we've stayed living together for like a month and a half since this happened. I (being the smuck that I am) even offered to help her move her stuff back to her folks' place. She originally planned on moving in early September, but then delayed that, and then planned on moving at the end, and that got delayed, and I was starting to wonder if she wasn't having second thoughts. In the meantime, we were having a good time together, just basically like normal. Laughing, having fun together, etc. As things progressed she said that she didn't want to be broken up any more but instead be "separated" for a little while and see how things went.. With the intention of coming back or us moving somewhere else together (more likely, since we both want to get out of the city) in a few months' time. And more recently, she's said that she definitely wants to be with me after a couple months and is 100% planning on coming back but only after I asked her why she always answered questions with maybes and pleaded with her to just tell me if she didn't want me anymore. So I sort of got my hopes up...

 

But now she's actually gone through with the move. I took her up on Saturday, stayed the night (slept in her room with her even, her parent's must think this is pretty damn weird), and left in the morning.. In a little bit of a hurry, since I felt really awkward when some of her parents friends came over. Does she really mean what she's saying? Or is she telling me that it will work because she thinks that is what I want to hear and doesn't want to "hurt me" any more? (Like I said, I've actually asked her this point blank and she rolls her eyes and tells me of course not) Or does she not know herself? The confusion of the whole thing is killing me but I really want to be with her... I would give my life for this girl, and I honestly want to grow old with her. She is my life, the sum of all my hopes and dreams. Serious.

 

So.. she says she'll call and is supposed to come down on a bus next weekend even to go to a wedding with me (one of our friends from college) and wants to see each other regularly, like twice a month on weekends. But... no call last night, which I would have expected, even with her being as forgetful as she is. And it's past 11PM and so far no call tonight either. I don't know what's going on, and whether or not I should take it as a signal of any sort.. Like I said, I'm really bad about trying to read into things. But this doesn't seem unfounded! I've resolved not to call her, and I know I'm reading way deeper into everything than I should be, but it's hard, you know? I've been staring at the phone for an hour now... She's impossible to read too, which doesn't help. But I don't want to drive her further away.. and I really do hope she means what she says... I'm so damn enamored with her, and never thought I'd have to deal with any of this!

 

So even if things do work it's like we're back to long distance dating if this works out I guess, which is sort of weird anyway. At first we weren't sleeping together but that changed over the course of the month she stayed. And we're still not kissing on the mouth which I find really odd given that she'll sleep (just cuddling, no sex) with me and kiss me on the neck, but she said (in an emotional crying session once) that it just doesn't feel right yet and that she wants the next kiss to be really, really spectacularly special... So okay, I guess.. what can I say to that?

 

Also, to further complicate things, I'm in a situation where I need to pretty much move out of my (our) current place in Jan/Feb timeframe so I guess that's when she'll have to have made a decision by, but in the meantime it's just killer not having her here. Tons of her stuff is still here because (a) we couldn't fit it in the truck, and (b) she says that she'll still be partially living here and wants me to keep our mutual stuff so it'll be easier to move when we find another place anyway (or is this, again, just a cover?). We'd both talked about it (both pre and post trauma) and wanted to move out to the "country" (heh) and buy or rent a modest house, get a dog, do the settling in thing, etc. Which if you'd asked me about it two years ago I'd have said no way but right now feels pretty damn promising.

 

I know that's sort of a jumbled recollection of the whole story, but that's sort of how my brain works now: spatterings of thought here, spatterings there. I'm really weirded out that she didn't call last night and hasn't yet either.. and scared to call her myself. Sort of took that harder than I should have. I'm also really confused about what it is that she wants and feel that I'm screwing things up by asking more questions and trying to actively find out.. But what a mess it is just "taking it one day at a time"... Especially when there are a thousand other things up in the air about your life. This was like the one thing that I thought was relatively stable... A lot of my friends think I'm retarded and that this will never work, but I have to believe it can because I love this girl so damn much. She's everything to me.

 

Oh yeah, our 7 year anniversary is 2 weekends from now too.

 

any advice?

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no. she isn't your everything. you are retarded. and your chances of working out a long distance relationship is very poor

 

in the first place, you took too long to marry her.

in the second place, you neglected her needs and wants, to the point she had another man for a while

in the third place, you are still very blur about her needs right now.

 

and if you don't know her needs by now, i think your friends are right. you are retarded. but just in case you think i am all that smart, wrong. join the gang. i have 100% hindsight

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Well, although i appreciate the kind words, i have to have hope. i love this girl. i know i've made mistakes, and she has too. we've collectively made a ton of mistakes, and will probably continue to. no one is perfect. but if people love each other enough, you can work through anything. she means the world to me, and has for the past 6 years.

 

I would die for this girl, and still would, throughout all of this. love is unconditional, being able to look past everything and at the end of the day still knowing in your heart that that person is the right one. i can't subscribe to a theory of love.. to a theory of existence.. in which it's every man (or woman) for themselves.

 

And no one has 100% hindsight, because no one is perfect and nothing is ever that clear. It's all choices and decisions... And how you deal with them.

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Well, although i appreciate the kind words, i have to have hope. i love this girl. i know i've made mistakes, and she has too. we've collectively made a ton of mistakes, and will probably continue to. no one is perfect. but if people love each other enough, you can work through anything. she means the world to me, and has for the past 6 years.

 

I would die for this girl, and still would, throughout all of this. love is unconditional, being able to look past everything and at the end of the day still knowing in your heart that that person is the right one. i can't subscribe to a theory of love.. to a theory of existence.. in which it's every man (or woman) for themselves.

 

And no one has 100% hindsight, because no one is perfect and nothing is ever that clear. It's all choices and decisions... And how you deal with them.

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if you really mean that, it means it's time for you to change. big changes. changes that will make a difference to her. changes to meet her needs. both of you need to seek marriage counselling (cos after 7 years, you are practically married) and spend a lot of time to talk things through (non hostile, preferably). rediscover yourselves, cos you've changed over the years.

 

cos you want to win her back, you have to do the changing, and not expect her to change to suit you. and you have to be prepared to live out the changed life for the rest of your life, cos it's one way, not mutual

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