"You deserve better than me."

[Nixee]

I loved my ex with all of my heart. I still do in a way. In my 32 years, he has been the only man that I've had a serious, long-term relationship with. He's the only man I've ever loved. He's the only man I know who has ever cared about me, loved me, wanted to spend a lot of time with me, was affectionate with me and wanted to know everything about me. I've never had much luck with men, but my ex was the sole exception. That's why this has been so heartbreaking for me. I think that I'm being nostalgic today because it's my birthday, and I know that I am not going to hear from him.

 

Pretty much described how I feel/have felt. 7 years with my ex... the love we felt for each other felt like something out of a movie. I didn't know that kind of connection truly existed before him. I've always been the guarded type... pretty sarcastic and stuff, but he just peered right into me and made something in me come alive. After only a few weeks of knowing him and hanging out with him he wrote me a letter that I still have that basically said "I can't believe I'm writing this.. I can't believe I feel so strongly for someone after only a few weeks, but I feel I have to say something, because I think you and I really have a chance for something great." He said all that because I was still involved with someone else at the time (which was on the rocks anyways.... but I was stubbornly trying to see it through).

 

I know around the same time he also told his mother, "I've met someone.. I don't know how things will go... the only thing I know for certain is that she will be a big part of my life for a very, very long time." He used to sit close with me in his arms and describe dreams he's had. I am an artist, and once I even painted one of the dreams he described to me and gave it to him. For 7 years, even in our hard times, even when we were taking a break, that painting ALWAYS stayed on his bedroom wall. And now, for the first time.... its down. He said, "it just doesn't match the new comforter my stepmother gave me...". But what I heard was, "the woman I left you for doesn't want it on my wall." Its like reality has shifted and turned into something just... wrong.

 

But what can be done? No matter how beautiful it was... it takes two to keep that up. I'm not too good for who he was, but I'm certainly too good for who he became.

 

And happy birthday violingirl

I know its awful to think you won't hear from him... I'm facing that myself over the next couple months as both his and mine pass. Seems just... wrong. But you can have a good birthday in spite of all that, and I hope you do!

[Murasaki]

I agree that leaving someone obsessing over the true reasons is pretty wicked. Telling someone that they deserve better, more often than not I think, is a HUGE cop out.

 

My ex told me that. It wasn't very settling.

[Coyote9]

completely agree with what you said. I also think that it's the dumpers way of making themselves feel "justified" for what they are doing and relieves their "guilt." They think that they are doing the dumpee a "favor" by disingenuously "sacrificing" you so that you "can meet someone better," when they are truly dumping you for their own selfish, self-serving reasons and are using this "technique" to throw the dumpee off course so they can get off scot-free, cover up their own bad behavior and still attempt to make the dumpee see them as a "good person."

 

 

QUOTE]

This is exactly the case....my ex for months pulled away while telling me things like "I know I do this in relationships but I want to stop." Then she would of course continue to be less available, break up with me for short periods, etc. In the end I finally got the real truth in a note left on my kitchen counter.

 

After telling me she never missed me or loved me like I loved her, she said "you deserve someone who is passionate and devoted to you, that will never be me." End of story. All of the veiled attempts to take some responsibity for the demise of the relationship on the dumpers part mean nothing if there are no specific actions that indicate real change. As the more vested partner, we dumpees put so much hope on the words of the dumper.

 

They mean nothing and are simply a way to not feel guility and to perceive themselves (as was stated so perfectly above by Miami ) as being a good person who didn't do anything wrong.

[violingirl]

Actually, I posted that, not Miami, but it doesn't really matter.

 

I like how you said that "all of the veiled attempts to take some responsibility for the demise of the relationship on the dumpers part mean nothing if there are no specific actions that indicate real change." In my case, although my ex told me over and over that he was working on his issues, he never got any closer to resolving them (I suggested that he go to therapy, but he never did - he said that therapy would take up all of his free time (??) and that he would then have no time left for our relationship if he went to therapy. Another cop-out.

 

In my opinion, sometimes I think that future dumpers also say those sort of things ("you deserve better than me"), because they are already planning their escape and can later tell the dumpee, "well, I did give you some warning that I would eventually leave you - I told you that I was no good, the breakup did not come out of nowhere like you claim, I was thinking about breaking up with you for a long time, but you just didn't want to see it" (by ex said something like that to me after the breakup).

[beebee]

nixee... if your avatar is your work, its stunning!...

 

after reading everything that has been written, maybe we are looking at this in the wrong way... me especially...

 

its not easy to tell someone you are in a relationship with that its over... for whatever reasons... i cant believe im saying this... but is it ever a good time?... is it ever easy?... im sure all of us have been in that place one time or another... saying to another that its not gonna work or that you just dont feel the same anymore, or you just dont have it in you to "try" at working it out... especially the long term relationships where you have invested so much into him/her... maybe im wrong... i have been quite a few times... it just hurts... it hurts us to tell someone and it hurts us to be told...

 

my anger comes from his way of telling me... im not the kind of person who would spend time, energy, whatever on someone who doesnt feel the same towards me... i just wish it had been handled differently... maybe some warnings?... maybe a headsup?... is it possible to break up with someone nicely?...

 

im totally into honesty... i would have preferred him to say the truth which was he was afraid of the responsibility other then "you dont rollerblade"...

 

am i making any sense here?... does anyone else understand?...

 

God bless... beebee

[auburnslp]

I truly, honestly, and strongly believe that when you hear these words, it is nothing more than the dumper trying to ease the pain for the dumpee. Right along the same lines as "It's not you, it's me"...It is a cop-out. I know, because I have heard those words verbatim. And as she was ripping my heart out, in the nicest way possible, she told me-"You deserve better than me, you will find someone for you that is meant to be". And when you protest, and say, "no, there will never be another better than you for me"...well, then they just persist. It is an easy out for the more heartful dumpers-a way for them to try to break the news easier to you-actually they are trying to build you up because they don't desire for you to hurt-but of course that is unavoidable, despite their best intentions and efforts. It's just life, and love, and loss of....

[tomtommyboy]

Come on people - of the long, sad litany of standard excuses, this is by far the worst. You reeeeally think anyone turns round, looks in their soul and says, "X, who I completely love, is just too good for me"??? Total BS. The test is: do they then go on and have relationships with other people? Answer: yes. And are said people thereforeeee "worse" than you?

 

It's the ultimate cop-out break-up line, one I have zero respect for.

[Coyote9]

Come on people - of the long, sad litany of standard excuses, this is by far the worst. You reeeeally think anyone turns round, looks in their soul and says, "X, who I completely love, is just too good for me"??? Total BS. The test is: do they then go on and have relationships with other people? Answer: yes. And are said people thereforeeee "worse" than you?

 

It's the ultimate cop-out break-up line, one I have zero respect for.

 

Yep....they were cowards and dishonest with us. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful because their words and actions were so pathetically shallow and self serving.

[EricAK]

And to try and turn the coin here, you all DO deserve better. And while healing is necessary, when the smoke clears you see them for what they are. And YOU get to find that someone who IS better! You all WIN!

 

Eric

[browneyedgirl36]

Ah, the "you deserve better" line. I just received it, from a guy I dated who it seemed was interested in dating me again (after several months of LC and being "friends"), but who informed me just the other day that he is STILL not over his previous ex (the thing that supposedly caused us to stop seeing each other the first time, back in January), that he is sooooo sorry that he has been sending me mixed signals the past few months, that he is "F-ed up" and "confused" and that -- drum roll, please -- "you deserve much better."

 

Is it a cop-out? Yes, to some extent, though I really think he believes it, and to be honest, I do too. I KNOW I deserve better. He's a good guy, but he is correct in his assessment that he is currently "F-ed" up, and I am certainly better off NOT being caught up in the drama.

 

I just wish I had never let him get under my skin again. I was doing so well in moving on from him the FIRST time, event though I have to see him at work, and he had to lure me back in again. A lot of it is my own fault, I know.

 

Just have to keep telling myself that, yeah, I DO deserve better than to be strung along while he stays stuck in the past.

 

I have to say I liked TomTommyBoy's question about them moving on to someone "worse" -- great point. If they're no good, and we deserve so much better, than are they never going to date anyone again? Not likely, so logically it must follow that they are going to date people of lower quality, who DON'T "deserve better."

[beebee]

know what?... we all deserve better... but better what?... doesnt the wheel turn to the exact same place all of the time?...

 

the saying?... "you trade cow s*** for horse s***."... true?... what problems you may have with one person may be overshadowed by different problems with someone else... i guess we just have to figure out which problems we want to deal with...

 

God bless... beebee

[Nixee]

Beebee.... yes you do make a lot of sense, and I think its very good to look at things from the other side. I've thought this a lot about my ex too (mostly in those times when I'm feeling nostalgic, and thereforeeee sympathetic towards him.)

 

Its very hard to break the heart of someone that you do honestly care about, but that you know you can no longer be with. I can even see the temptation to use that line. However, when all is said and done, I think both parties end up knowing that if "you deserve better" was used as the reason for the split, then something was definitely left unsaid. And thats the stuff that festers in the long run.

 

It would have killed for my ex to just sit me down and say, "look, I love you.. always have... but something just isn't working for me, and in the midst of our troubles, I have met someone new that I have feelings for. Feelings that I want to pursue."

 

Sure... I probably would have sobbed and tried to talk him out of it... convince him otherwise.... which is probably exactly what he feared and why he decided not to tell me. But in the end, if you are in his shoes and you make that decision to leave a long-term relationship for someone else, then you owe it to your partner and yourself to be strong enough to do it. It would be very hard, but after the storm cleared, I wouldn't have felt so betrayed. I would have honestly been able to say that it hurt me, but that I respected his honesty.

 

Interestingly and eerily enough, the way I found out about his dishonesty was two months after we split... not because he told me, but because I actually DREAMT it. Perhaps my subconscious knew something all along that I wasn't aware of.. or perhaps i still felt that strongly connected to him spiritually or whatever... but it was a very vivid dream. And later that day he called me out of the blue, and so I confronted him with it and he sheepishly, finally admitted the truth.

 

Couldn't he have just told me before? Figuring it out on my own and in that manner left me paralyzed with pain, anger, humiliation, anxiety... it was horrible and unnecessary.

 

Thank you for the avatar compliment, beebee. Unfortunately its not mine, but I am an artist and do do some stuff like that.. I'll have to get some of my own up soon

[violingirl]

I also had this gut feeling that my ex had lied about the reason he broke up with me. His "reasons" didn't make any sense. I also feel that having to figure it out on my own and in that manner (with all of his lies and coverups) "left me paralyzed with pain, anger, humiliation, anxiety . . . " What I have gone through still (negatively) affects me to this day.

[escritoramel]

..........