I want a whole family. Am i being childish or is this teenage angst?

[Decado]

WARNING: QUITE A LONG POST (MORE OF A RANT REALLY)

 

I feel a bit bad for posting this topic, mainly because I know there are soo many people out there who are worse off than I am and have worse problems. I feel like a massive spoilt brat but I have an emotional problem that has been plaguing me. You don’t need to read this I just need to vent this (as per usual).

 

Ever since I was a child I can remember spending a lot of time alone. My parents divorced when I was little. My mother worked all the time and I only saw her for about 2 hours a day. My dad decided that he would venture off to America to create new business prospects and abandoned me, for a period of time, in the process. During the weeks I would come home to an empty home and spend it watching TV and eating, having nothing better to do. On weekends I would pretty much do the same except all day. Don’t get me wrong, I did have cousins and stuff who I would spend time with and other family who I would see on occasion. But it was only on occasion and most of the time I was alone. The thing is, at the time, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being alone, doing whatever the hell I liked. “Whatever the hell I liked” was not healthy for an 8 year old. I would spend hours on the computer feeding my curiosity and deeply regret doing so. I would watch TV whilst absent-mindedly stuffing myself with food because no-one was there to tell me otherwise. Even when my mother came home and saw that the store cupboard had been emptied, she didn’t tell me off…she just bought more food!!! My mother never told me off…never helped with my homework…never really spent time with me. She says that “I took care of myself” but, the thing is, I had to because no one else did. I remember thinking that I was the dumbest guy in the class until I recently found out that they all got their parents to do their homework!!! I don’t see how that’s right.

 

It is only now that I look back at it that I feel like I have wasted my youth. And not just that....I feel like I have missed out on key relationships and experiences that are needed for a person to be complete. I hardly had a mother and never had a proper father.

 

My father. I hate him. He returns to England (8 years later) and doesn’t even bother telling me he’s back in the country!!! I find out that he is in the country and call him. When we finally do meet, he takes me to a pub. My hopes of having a father were deflated almost instantly. Every time we meet now he gets drunk and I cant stand it. I never want to see him again. I tried to talk and he cant respond. He cant even lift a fork to his mouth without dropping the food balanced upon it. I feel guilty, however, coz I’m all he’s got. I’m afraid of what might happen to him if I tell him I don’t want to see him again. He has had a history of mental illness and I don’t know what he might do. The thing is the thought of him makes me so depressed. I used to self harm and the thought of him just makes me want to start again. The long laboured hours I have sat with him in silence at a dinner table. I don’t even know why he wants to spend time with me…he has never been there, never been a father. He doesn’t know anything about me…It feels like such a burden.

 

With these two relationships in my family, I feel that my family has not been whole at all. I feel I missed out on key relationships that are essential for the development of a person…I feel like I don’t have any character...as if something is missing.

 

These feelings have been made clearer on my recent holiday with my friends. I look at my friends and see everything I want to be…they seem to be as people should be…they have the character that want to create. My best friend, lets call him Joe, invited me and another of my friends to his apartment in Spain. Joe has been my best friend for the last 10 years and I have always been jealous of his family. He has a mum and dad who are always at there and a sister. Being good friends with joe, I have become quite close to his family and feel like I am a part of it when I am with them.

 

The week I spent there was amazing. We went clubbing and got wasted a lot of nights. What I loved, though, was the fact that there was always someone there. I could have someone around me all the time. I was never alone...I have to say it was the most amazing feeling. It was like I was happy all the time. His mum and dad were just so nice. It was only when I got home that I realised just how fortunate he is. He has that feeling all the time, not just on holiday. It was when I got home that I realised just how much I have missed out on.

 

When I woke up the next morning I felt like crying. There was no one there and I sat down and just watched TV. It was the worst feeling! I can’t explain it really. I was like I was given an entire family and had them snatched back. Like having my wings clipped.

 

I feel so depressed and I don’t know what to do to make me feel better. I don’t want to spend another day alone in my house. I am scared that I will always be alone that I won’t be able to create my own family because of my lack of experience in being a part of one. I’m scared of being alone.

 

I could surround myself with people by going out and stuff but it’s not the same as having a Home…a mum and a dad and siblings…

Yeh sure I have a nice house…I don’t understand the point in it when I am the only one here most of the time. Why couldn’t my mother take at least one day off a week to spend time with me? What’s the point in money when you abandon your kid in the process??

I feel like such a spoilt teen…I probably am but I just had to say this. I don’t really expect any reply to this long post. I just needed to display my complicated feelings of utter loneliness and abandonment.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if you have.

[Lana0120]

You aren't being a spoilt brat. It's horrible to have parents who have their own separate lives and you're just part of the background. It's also horrible to be alone much of the time. So, I can understand why when you're with a 'real family', you feel at home and hate that you don't have it. Although from the sound of it, it sounds like you have become part of your friend's family in a way. Family isn't just people you're born to - it's people you pick up along the way. I read somewhere that they say that friends are the family that you choose for yourself and that's what matters in your case. In spite of everything that has happened, you'd be forgiven for going off the rails, but it sounds like you've done the best you can and that overall you're well-adjusted! Also, one day, when you're older, you'll have a family of your own. The fact that you have friends, that want to invite you to go places with them, means you're able to communicate with people even though you're so used to being alone. *hugs*

[PeanutButter]

Ehh I was going to put something, but nevermind lol. Just cheer up!! Why don't you get a gf or something? Do something positive? Get into some hobbies, football or something? I know the Uk is different though, hmm. Tell your parents to adopt you a brother or sister.. haha what you will have a brother or sister whos already old enough to spend time with!

[peacefullspirit]

Don't grieve because you don't have the family you wish you had -they won't suddenly appear - learn to find peace with the situation you are in.

 

Respect your parents with the compassion all life deserves - they are only human. Like you, I'm fairly sure, that right now they would prefer to be swimming in a warehouse full of infinite amounts of every type of food imaginable, and like you, they just haven't worked out where it is yet.

[Decado]

thanks for your replies. I dont get the warehouse of food but thanks.

[spinstermanquee]

Like lana0120 ^^ I believe you choose your own family. My family was particularly scattered - accross countries and emotional, intellectual, and social bands. It just so happened that my mother didn't like my choices of husband and (I never used this term though I am not her birth mum) "step" daughter. She treated them as competition, not my family/her extended family. (Man if I had a dollar for how many times I was asked when I was going to have a child of "my own," or a "real child," or who was her "real" mother, I would be soooooo rich by now!) My brothers and I have nothing in common, and unfortunately I remind them of our mum so I will never have a loving relationship with them, as she has brooked the same feelings in them as she has in me.

 

Anyhoo, that's my old and boring story but my point is, believe in faith, loyalty and love. They are the things that get you through - even without "blood" qualities. You will meet people who will inspire you, teach you, cause you to dare to dream, and bring out qualities in you that you never knew existed (make you want to be a better person). THESE PEOPLE ARE YOUR TRUE FAMILY. The folks that nourish, love, exceed your expectations, and always give you the benefit of the doubt? They could be friends, friends' parents, teachers, professors, the guy at the Cingular store, your boss, coworker, someone's little sister, etc. Gravitate toward them, they are the ones you are meant to be near. It can be your blood or not, doesn't matter. I think > means for us to grow up to take what we were given and pass it on to others. That is how we improve the world, little by little.

 

In closing, bless you and no, you are not weird for questioning what seems to be a disconnect with you and your parents. Sadly it happens with some. In my case I had to cast my net wide and far to gather my family. Please remain open and believing in the love in the world, it exists and will find you if you only accept it.

 

Thank you for posting on eNotAlone, it's a great community and we exist to help each other.

 

Cheers!

 

w