Overly Sensitive Boyfriend!!...help!

[mishioo]

Everytime my boyfriend and i have a fight, no matter how big or small, he gets really affected. Its like he cannot function. I'm the kind of person that wakes up the next day and forgets about yesterday. Today is a new day, so there's no point worrying about yesterday. But he isnt like that, he drags the fight on through feeling like crap. I try my hardest to make him feel better, but even he tells me that "nothing i do will help".

 

He makes me feel so useless. I've been with him for 3 years, and i still dont know what to do to make him normal again. It's getting hard to deal with...I feel like i'm being dragged down with him instead of pulling him up..

 

Any suggetions?! Do you think that he's just overly sensitive? or is it me being insensitive?

[JadedStar]

Does he suffer from depression or anxiety? Depression can make a person over exaggerate life's issues and small arguments can be over dramatized. That is my first thought.

 

And yes, this can be very taxing on the partner who tries to bounce back. Definitely will take its toll. I know you want to be compassionate but you have to think of yourself too. This kind of thing can drag the healthier of the two down as well.

 

Is he open to counseling?

[mishioo]

Wow, JadedStar! Your really good..

 

He does suffer from slight depression and OCD. Just on Tuesday he went to see a psychologist.. I know that i should be more considerate to him because of his problem..but it gets so hard sometimes, i just wish i had a normal boyfriend. That must sound harsh. But my life is so tough now, i used to be so carefree...

 

Does this mean...i just have to live with the way things are?..

[DN]

Find a different way of resolving conflict than having fights. Some people are like you and shrug them off, others like your boyfriend.

 

But for most people they end up corroding the relationship and rarely solve the issue anyway. It becomes too much about winning the fight that solving the problem.

[DN]

Wow, JadedStar! Your really good..

 

He does suffer from slight depression and OCD. Just on Tuesday he went to see a psychologist.. I know that i should be more considerate to him because of his problem..but it gets so hard sometimes, i just wish i had a normal boyfriend. That must sound harsh. But my life is so tough now, i used to be so carefree...

 

Does this mean...i just have to live with the way things are?..

Be careful about blaming his position on his mental state. He could equally well post on here complaining about you and the way you fight and say "I wish I had a normal girlfriend".

 

It doesn't mean you have to live with it. As I said above - solve your conflicts in a more mature way than fighting. Both of you need to do that.

 

I'm the kind of person that wakes up the next day and forgets about yesterday.

Which could be taken to mean that your fights are about frivolous things and are not really important to you.

[Cimmie]

Some people - like me - are traumatized by fights and quite conflict-averse. You might be able to shrug it off, but it obviously affects your bf differently. I agree he does sound depressed. He's probably a sensitive guy who takes things said in anger to heart.

 

I would try to find another way of solving conflicts. Fights are emotionally wearing and, as I said, very difficult for some of us to deal with.

[ghost69]

i would be the same as you bf. i can't go to bed mad and wake up with a smile. i have to have resolution. i'm not emotional like you bf might be, but if there is a conflict, we need to resolve it.

[karvala]

I'm another bf guilty of this as well; I absolutely hate to let a fight go until it's been properly resolved, and I'm not always open to just cheering up and forgetting about when my gf has had enough (though in practice she's more likely to just walk away and ignore me than try to make the situation better anyway, but that's another story).

 

Different people have different timetables for these things, but there can be one other component as well, which is that some people (and I can sometimes be like this as well, which is how I know) have a quite specific idea of what is required (in terms of action on your side) to resolve a fight, and will not let it go until it happens. Clearly, if that's the case for your bf, he's not articulating it which is rather unhelpful, but see if there is a pattern over what you've done just before he does finally get over it. Finally, be wary about trying too hard. Some individuals, not always consciously, will also take an attempt to cheer them up after a fight as a peace offering, and may push it to see just what they can get in that situation, and the more you offer, the more they hang on and wait. Not terribly healthy, but enormously common in my experience.

[julesb]

you might just have to give him space for a day or so. the thing is, you cant force anyone to feel a certain way, even if you simply want them to feel better. he sound like he is overly sensitive, and coming from someone who also is, i need a little space.

[-Ophelia-]

I'm also like your boyfriend. Things must end well for me to start over again. You remind me of two of my close friends. One would try to avoid a conflict, while another goes into it for a while, then she'll try to end it ASAP.

 

It sounds like you have very different ways of dealing with conflict. Just learn that you must do it both his and your way. It has to please you both. There's no use if your boyfriend is not over the problem yet, the point is for both of you to be happy, and if it takes you going through the the whole thing, then you must go through that.

 

Honestly, I find it somewhat harsh to say that your boyfriend is not normal. No offense, I know you must be going through a lot of trouble trying to deal with your differences. But it's very unfair to say that about him. It's who he is and you should learn to embrace it.

 

I hope things work out for you.