She has contacted me.

[CP4Life]

She contacted me yesturday for the first time in like 2 weeks. That made me feel better. Thats not all, she asked to hang out with me for today and she hasn't ask that in like 2-3 months when we were dating. So it made me happy but she hasn't called me since.

 

So I'm wondering, would it be a good thing to call her today and ask if we still hanging out today or let her call me?

[Zackinlaw]

So I'm wondering, would it be a good thing to call her today and ask if we still hanging out today or let her call me?

 

Depends ... how did you leave it???

[CP4Life]

Depends ... how did you leave it???

 

Wait, sorry but what do you mean?

[I_KicKed_keNNedy]

I'd wait for her to call you.

 

You're the one she has to win over. People have a way of taking things for granted, so if she's under the impression you want to jump all over things again, she'll assume she can keep you at arm's length for a time.

 

And coquetry is a real * * * * *, let me tell ya.

[friscodj]

Hey CP-

 

I think you could gain some positive ground here by realizing that she is not in charge here. Look what's going on. She calls, asks you to hang out, and you are happy. Then when she doesn't call, you are unhappy. She has your emotions by the balls here and that is not a good situation for you. Try to establish some stature in yourself, set up some boundaries to protect control of your heart here.

 

I would ask her why she wants to hang out, what are her intentions? What does she say? How has life been for her since the break up? What has been going through her mind? Before you give control of your happiness to her, at least find out what she wants here.

 

But on another level, going through some more turmoil should it come down to that might ultimately serve the bigger purpose of really letting you know the reality here. I've done this, kept hoping, kept believing, kept holding on, and sometimes it takes more licks to really let go of a situation.

 

With that said, call her. She stepped up and called you, she may or may not have been testing the waters there, simply desiring the comfort of knowing you are "there" if she "needs" you. But you need to see and feel this I think should that be the case. Go for it. Call her, dispel potential regrets and give this a shot. Just try to see past your feelings and take care of yourself here. Just because you have feelings for her and desire to reconnect with her does not give her control of your heart and soul.

[Zackinlaw]

Wait, sorry but what do you mean?

 

Well, if you made somewhat indefinite plans to hang out today, who said they would call to finalize them??? That's what I meant by "how did you leave it." If you set a time and place, then just show up!

[CP4Life]

I'd wait for her to call you.

 

You're the one she has to win over. People have a way of taking things for granted, so if she's under the impression you want to jump all over things again, she'll assume she can keep you at arm's length for a time.

 

And coquetry is a real * * * * *, let me tell ya.

 

Yeah, kind of true and I been doing ok trying to show I won't be here forever. But I do want to hang out with her to make our friendship stronger and have her last memory of me a good one so she can want more when I don't contact her. I learned giving someone a good last memory of yourself and not calling back makes them wonder and want more.

[CP4Life]

Well, if you made somewhat indefinite plans to hang out today, who said they would call to finalize them???

 

Oh, I believe it was her and I think I know where your going with this so I'll let her call me.

[CP4Life]

I understand. When she called me, she said she wanted to come over and see my puppy she loves. I would think there would be more then that because she wouldn't stay here long just playing with the dog, most likely we would end up talking or watching tv/movie.

 

She also told me she already had plans today but didn't know if was happening so she told me if her plans don't work out, she'll come visit me.

 

Some of you guys say don't call her and some say do call so which one is the best for my situation? The only thing I would say is, we still going to hang out today?

[Zackinlaw]

She also told me she already had plans today but didn't know if was happening so she told me if her plans don't work out, she'll come visit me.

 

Some of you guys say don't call her and some say do call so which one is the best for my situation? The only thing I would say is, we still going to hang out today?

 

It seems like the ball's in her court now, so wait for her to call you. If she doesn't show up and she doesn't eventually call again, then you'll know she wasn't very serious.

 

Zack.

[CP4Life]

It seems like the ball's in her court now, so wait for her to call you. If she doesn't show up and she doesn't eventually call again, then you'll know she wasn't very serious.

 

Zack.

 

Alright but what if her plans did actually work out today which caused our plans to fall. And then she asks to hang out tomorrow or sometime this week. Then she was serious, correct? But I understand what your saying and I appericiate it.

[Zackinlaw]

Alright but what if her plans did actually work out today which caused our plans to fall. And then she asks to hang out tomorrow or sometime this week. Then she was serious, correct?

 

Yeah, unless she makes a habit of only making contingent plans with you.

 

Zack.

[CP4Life]

Yeah, unless she makes a habit of only making contingent plans with you.

 

Zack.

 

Ok, thanks.

[CP4Life]

Ok, sorry but this isn't really the topic but it has to do with my ex.

 

I don't understand how she still wanted the promise ring but give me no promise but say we might get back together. So I gave it back to her because I bought it for her, no one else...its hers to keep. She has the necklace and the ring, I would think everytime shes about to take a shower when she looks in the mirror, she sees both of the jewerly that means something and would make her think about me/us? Well I'm not sure but I would think it does hopefully.

 

I also don't get in my situation, how I'm the running for her when it should be her running to me? Why do a lot of us do this? Because we are so deeply in love or we just miss something so special that we want it bad and now?

 

This stuff can make a person think so much and just wonder...

Well at least I'm getting a lot stronger then before so I do like some of the progress I'm getting even though I miss her like crazy.

[andy5128]

Hi Ya

 

Wanted to just add my 2 cents and all that...

 

Read your post CP4life.. don't know the full background here. First of all some advice just based on experience.. STOP analysing everything mate. Read back your posts I think you will know what I mean. It helps and trust me it does for your sake and before you do something that will make things worse.. try not to analyse everything as it will make you ill, worry you and then before you know it you call, beg, reach out in some way and it does not go to plan.

 

I would really leave her to contact you about this get together and make arrangements. If plans had changed and so on then they may have done, who knows but let her make arrangements don't start to be pushy..

 

She may just really like the ring, who knows! Only she knows the real answer to that one..

 

Andy

[CP4Life]

Yeah I know and trust me about the begging, calling, and stuff like that. I did that once since it was my first pain and had no experience, I learned my lesson. I will never ever do that again to anyone. I will never push her away again like that and ever since that, we been better after the break up. Be happy and myself.

 

I'll let her do the calling and stuff. Can't show her things she can't see from me like my weakness and how I want her. Right now, gotta do things for myself which I been doing and doing it again tonight.

 

I guess I'm just so curious about the answers I won't get because she only knows them. Well...hope it goes good and she'll call to hang out sometime this week because I do want to make our relationship better and stronger again, at least our friendship for right now.

 

Thanks...

[andy5128]

That sounds more like it.. very positive.. That's the real CP4life the one who is going to be happy in life...

 

I know you want answers mate and you are curious, arent we all! It is best not to go there though. You may get them some way down the line, you may not.

 

2 key things mate.. You dont need your ex you DESIRE them.. thats a much stronger position to be in.. You previous posts apart from this one above had NEED written all over them...

 

Point 2 - NO EXPECTATIONS.. if you expect something it most likely wont happen.. it's sods law!! So dont expect things, if it was meant to happen it will happen anything else is a bonus eh!

 

Chin up mate.. much more positive this time..

 

Andy

[blender]

The most empowering attractive and healing thing you can do is to let her know that you don't want contact unless she is willing to intentionally work on an exclusive relationship with you. Because for right now you are not ready to be "just buddies" because that wouldn't be sincere, it would only cause confusion, and resentment in the long run, so let her know in your own self respecting way that you "would be willing to meet and talk but only if it because she wants to sincerely work on the two of you as a couple, if not, then you wish her the best, but for right now you don't think being in contact is a good idea, and if in time she discovers that she does have authentic feelings for you and she wants to make an intentional effort to work on the relationship then and only then may she contact you, and you'd would consider getting together."

 

See, this type of self respecting truth leaves the greatest impression, it's honest, it's mature, it's confident, it's real, and it allows her the precious opportunity to "miss you" and the presense of YOU in HER life..

 

This way you will not risk re-defining yourself as the guy who is "just there" or is her "new buddy".. it's not a sincere thing to do, it will cause you to build resentment, because it's clear that for now she is not willing or ready from more than friendship, and you want "more" than that, either now, or eventually in the future, so why pretend to be okay with it?

 

She called and wanted to see your puppy which she loves, well why not wait for a girl, (maybe even her) who calls to say she wants to see YOU whom she loves?

 

Remember we teach people how to treat us by what we allow ourselves to be involved in... and for right now your feelings are that you want "more" from this "friendship" and she does not, not right now.. so make your choices based on the "facts" and not just your "feelings" and it will set you free to grow, learn, and empower yourself.. and that is the most attractive quality any person can have... and it leaves the most honest, wonderful impression of a self respecting guy who is not willing to sit on a girls emotional fence forever just to find he's teetering and uncomfortable most of the time doing so...

 

Jump off that fence, stand on your own two feet, and know that if your love is meant to be, then don't water it down with a "being buddies" at a time when you don't feel sincerely okay with doing so... it's okay to take some time for YOURSELF.... so she can actually see and hear HERSELF and her own inner feelings.. right now she doesn't have to really give much thought of effort at getting a chance to share time with you....does she?

 

If you really want to know her clear intentions then be clear as to your own intentions first.

[CP4Life]

=D>

 

Thank you so much for making me see the big picture. You guys are just a big help and giving me more knowledge for my situation. I also believe Positive > Negative any time of the week.

 

Just one question though...spending time with a person or ex, isn't sharing time together make the relationship stronger though? I been doing the NC and if we do hang out and it was a good time for the both of us...wouldn't she want more because the last memory of me in her head was good but she isn't hearing from me because I'm not contacting her which is making her wonder and miss. All the things you guys said is right but doesn't comminucation and bonding together make the relationship stronger in any kind of way?

 

Again, thank you!

[blender]

Only if you are communicating in an honest sincere way that YOU are wanting a "relationship" and not "just be buddies" and if she is NOT wanting the same thing.. then anytime you spend together..well is it time that is being built on self respect and clear communication? Or are you in denial about the clear communication of her NOT being ready for a relationship and you are pretending to okay with just being "there" when she is in the mood to spend time with you?

 

Trust that if you are not comfortable with being her 'buddy" then it's not a good idea to do so in a hope that you might convince her your fabulous.. because you are fabulous already.. and you have to know this about yourself if you ever want someone else to appreciate it in you as well.

 

You don't have to audition for her, you don't have to "be great when your together" just to hope that she has "good memories" of you that make her want to be in your life.. she already has those memories.. and you are a great guy.. and it's up to you to define how you wish to be invovled with someone... and for right now you're still hurting, and you're still wanting "more" and that's something you can be proud of, be clear about, and let go of anything "less" than that with her.. letting her know that being buddies just isn't working for you right now.. well that's REAL communication.. isn't that what you honestly feel? Or does it just make you nervous to actually set some respectful boundaries for your own heart because you fear you might lose her alltogether? If she doesn't come around after you state that you want "more" well then.. you won't waste anymore of your precious energy and heart by spending "buddy time" with her..right?

 

You have to do what is best for your own heart.. ask yourself if you are sincerely okay with being her friend right now.. and if the answer is yes, then go for it...

[andy5128]

=D>

 

Thank you so much for making me see the big picture. You guys are just a big help and giving me more knowledge for my situation. I also believe Positive > Negative any time of the week.

 

Just one question though...spending time with a person or ex, isn't sharing time together make the relationship stronger though? I been doing the NC and if we do hang out and it was a good time for the both of us...wouldn't she want more because the last memory of me in her head was good but she isn't hearing from me because I'm not contacting her which is making her wonder and miss. All the things you guys said is right but doesn't comminucation and bonding together make the relationship stronger in any kind of way?

 

Again, thank you!

 

ARGH..! LOL

 

I will have to come over there and slap you with me feather duster in a minute mate!! LOL

 

The big picture as you called it.. stay positive.. bottom paragraph is negatives ville..!

 

Yeah spending time with someone does make things stronger.. Listen mate..Did she dump you??? If answer was yes..did that show that she wanted a stronger relationship with you?????

 

If a new relationship with someone spending time together does build it stronger.. She chose not to want you anymore( I presume you were dumped, correct me if I am wrong). That puts a totally different perspective on things, if she wanted to be with you she would not of finished things would she? I guess not..

 

That's why things are now different, she has to show you she wants to be with you as she finished with you and didnt want you before.. do you get my point? If you keep contacting and wanting her and so on thats from you to her. You will only know if she wants you again if SHE comes wanting time with you..

 

I hope that made sense...

 

Andy

[CP4Life]

Thank you!

 

She did dump me, she let someone else interfere in our relationship which caused her to break up with me because she didn't want me to lose a friend. Yeah, one of my close friends that has a anger problem didn't get his way which made him say things to my ex that made her feel terrible inside that caused her to break up with me. She felt she was the reason why I was losing a friend. After the break up, my friend, we are better then ever it seems like and she is now happy for that. I'm still mad at him for doing what he did but I understand and it was kind of my fault.

 

Anyways, as much as I want her again...I know I can't force her because it wouldn't be good. I have to let her come back on her on.

 

As much as I want her to be in my life, I'm not sure friends would be a good thing. Mainly because it would tear me up because I see her more then a friend. When were together, I would want to hold her, kiss her, and all the things we used to do. And its even harder on myself seeing other guys trying to get at her. When we broke up, couple weeks later we would walk by each other and she say Hi and I ignore her. She told me that made her sad and mad. I don't know what to do about being friends but I don't want her to get sad and mad. But I could be friends with her because spending time with her without the holding and kissing is just fine with me, just being around her makes me happy and laugh. I think I could handle being friends but not sure that would help what I really want. I do want her in my life at any risk, friends or more, I do want her here.

 

The only thing I know what to do is to help myself out and the relationship by not contacting her. I'll go on with life being happy and myself. Doing the things I love to do. There are some events coming up that will probably make her think, wonder, and miss. But until then, I'll let her free and won't contact her unless she contacts me first.

 

Thanks again, you guys still make things a lot easier.

[CP4Life]

BTW: Today is our anniversary. It would of been some what nice to spend time together. She told me she missed me and thinks about me two days ago.

 

Postive > Negative

[blender]

Well, then allow her the opporutunity to miss the real you, the guy who does not want contact UNLESS it is because she intentionally wants to try to work at being in an exclusive relationship with you as a couple, that's who you want her to miss.. but where is that guy? Are you communicating that YOU are that guy?

 

If she contacts you again, then tell her you are interested in "more" from the relationship and you understand that she in NOT interested in thatright now.. and until then you wish her the best, and you let go with love, and get busy with your own life, widening your own world, and not "pretending to be okay with being her buddy right now"....

 

It's not about being at the mercy of "when she contacts you".. it's about you being clear as to "why she can contact you"... what are her intentions?

 

If you are clear about your intentions, you will be sure to find out what hers are, and for right now it's very clear that her intentions are to call you once in awhile, and get her "emotional fix" or to "alleviate any guilt" she may be feeling, but she doesn't seem to follow through.. does she?

 

hmm... sure she "misses you and thinks about you".. but what is she doing about it? What does she do for your heart?

 

So start be setting some selfrespecting boundaries next time she contacts you, tell YOUR truth.. that you are not interested in just 'being buddies" right now, it's not sincerely what you want, so if and when she discovers she wants to intentionally work on the relationship then and ONLY then should she contact you.. telling her this in a loving sincere way.. will set you free, and also allow her to discover what her own intentions are.. and to not take advantage of "calling you once in awhile"..that's not fair to YOUR heart.. so why do you allow it to contiue without setting some boundaries about where you truly stand in all this?

[CP4Life]

The reason why I continue this is because I don't want to lose her altogether. I'm afraid I might lose her. I also don't want to ruin any more chances that I already have ruined. I thought if I give her NC, she has the time and space to think what she truly wants. We were each others first everything including first love so I thought giving her NONE of me would help the mistakes I've done after the break up. But now, I just want to show her the guy she fell in love with, the guy she cared about so much and had a great time/feeling with. How I'm going on with my life being happy without her.

 

It would be hard for me to tell her, "I don't want to be friends, if we can't be more then friends then we can't be nothing." I don't think I could say that because of the fear I have inside of losing her. So instead, I just don't contact her at all. I just want her to see myself again, the guy she loved so much. Like I said, there are a couple events(Family b-day party, her b-day, and how we first met) coming up that will give her some flash backs and seeing me being happy and myself should make her realize something or miss something. I just don't know if I could tell her we can't be friends anymore.

 

I do agree, it isn't fair for my heart. I don't deserve this pain but I don't want to take a chance to lose her altogether. Because of that fear, I think NC is the best way to go.