last night was something else...

[Burb]

saw the ex at the bars for the second night in a row (was her 21st birthday.) first night, she was very flirty and my friend and i gave her and her friends a ride home. i asked her if she was happy, and she said indicated that she wasn't.

 

last night, saw her out once again. this time, she was even more flirty, touching my stomach (i would playfully push her hand away and tell her she didn't get to do that anymore), etc. she all but ignored her new "bf". (i see him as almost no obstacle in him. while very nice, he has no personality, is a little odd looking, and was simply there for her to rebound.)

 

both nights, i was extremely happy and confident. her friends even told me "how hot and confident" i looked (according to them and the ex). one said i even looked like i was glowing.

 

so on the night went, and they finally gave me a ride home. i was in the backseat with my ex, and she was sitting very close to me. she then looked at me for a very long time and said, "tell me." I then (in a moment of extreme weakness, my first since the first few days of the breakup) asked her to come back to my place to talk. she said she didn't think that was a good idea as we had been drinking, but she did say "I miss you." i did not respond.

 

after they dropped me off, she called me. she said she wanted to talk about it when we met for lunch later this week (already planned before i saw her out.) In the past she told me she didn't want to have that conversation every time we met. I brought this up, and she said that she would be ready on tueday.

 

so........i am trying not to get my hopes up. I am trying not to read too much into her actions. but it is difficult. i could use some perspective here, folks.

[EvaGina]

I dont see why you want her anyway.

Shes a borderline cheater who gets off on male attention. Thats even before taking into account shes a nasty piece of work if shes going to treat her bf like that.

[ElektraHere]

I dont see why you want her anyway.

Shes a borderline cheater who gets off on male attention. Thats even before taking into account shes a nasty piece of work if shes going to treat her bf like that.

 

Agreed!!! She is what I like to call the "Spotlight Girl." Meaning she LOVES and CRAVES attention. You are giving that hand over fist to her. Come on guy stand up taller and respect yourself more. She is playing that great game of "Cat and Mouse" with you.

[kgirl]

Eh,

 

This may or may not be the girl for you, and I don't want to knock what anyone else is saying, but I know, for me, the whole "stop wanting that person" just backfires.

 

It doesn't matter why you want her, you just do! It doesn't matter WHY she left you, what matters is she DID.

 

I think, first of all, that what you've done so far is really great. She said you looked hot and confident when you weren't really paying attention to her? Sweet!

 

Oh wait, but then you gave her what she wanted, a little running after her and she withdrew. Small hiccup, big lesson. Don't mean to be harsh, but I just want to make a point.

 

I think that you need to BACK OFF (you are already doing a good job on that, so commit even more). Keep your lunch with her if you must, but act aloof. Don't press her. Try to avoid when she talks about the "two of you"--cause there is no two of you! She's got a new bf, and even if he's vanilla, he's the one she chose.

 

If you could not have lunch with her at all, I'd try to get out of it. Maybe even do it nicely like--oh I have this big project/paper/my friend decided to move, let's reschedule. And then don't call her again. Be busy for a while. Try to keep the hot, confident you that she is so attracted to. Cause that's the guy that doesn't want to be with her, that's the guy that pushes her hand away from his stomach and doesn't want her because he doesn't NEED anyone who treats him badly in life.

 

In fact, he DOESN'T NEED ANYONE AT ALL. He's perfect, all by himself.

 

I think first you will be doing it for her, and hey, if it gets you there, that's okay.

 

Then it will morph to doing it for you and you will experience a sea change that is so amazing, you won't even believe it. You will begin to enjoy it. You will attract a million other girls, and maybe have fun with one or two of them. You will have gotten rid of your need to be with this girl and you can see clearly whether you want her or not. But right now, I think it's still too soon. I think that she needs to be single for you to make moves towards reconciliation, and to really miss you, and for you to understand who she is and decide for yourself if this is what you really want...

 

Only when you get to a place where you don't want the OLD her back, the one that hurt you, will you be in a position where you might have a good chance with the new her. Cause you will be the new you!

[Burb]

Well, I agree with Eve and Elektra, but only to a point. She does need attention of some sort. However, it seems to me that this has roots in her parents' relationship, and is not something she tries to do. A nasty piece of work? That is simply not her. Although, from reading my posts, I could see how you could get that impression.

 

kgirl, I liked your advice. but you did get some things wrong. She said I looked "hot and confident" when I WAS paying attention to her.

 

We had a quick lunch yesterday. And we talked about everything. Why we didn't work, how we could work, and what changes needed to be made. And that was that.

 

And now, I will be taking your advice. I will not be calling her, and I will keep going out with my friends and doing my thing. I am open to dating other girls (it's just a little hard to meet them up here in the summer). Thank you for your advice.