Blindsided.

[Muzatsu]

Let me begin with saying that I am new to these forums and this will be my first thread on this site. *warning, this will be extremely long*

 

This forum seems to be all about support and I need all I can get at the moment lol.

 

It's been a month since my break, then break-up with my bf. It was just so unreal the way it happened. My boyfriend suddenly dumped me right after a huge fight. It was almost like he slapped me accross the face the way he went about it. It was the day right after the prom, and I had paid for everything except his tux. We were so happy the night of prom, or maybe it was just me and he didn't really care. I don't usually dance at formals, and he always wanted to, so I actually danced and practically outdanced him. He seemed to be very romantic and liked the fact I was actually dancing for a change.

 

Then came the day after. Me and my friends didn't get to have an after party so we wanted to go to the city or something the day after to make up for it.

My bf wasn't really up for it, but his friend and I convinced him to go. Then his girl-friend ( best friend, female ) called whilst we were hanging out. I got into a sour mood because he knew that I was intensely jealous of her, but I never did anything about it. I always told him how I felt because she would always act inappropriately towards him around me and make me feel more insecure then I already am in general.

 

She always seemed to jump on his back for piggy back rides or make strange jokes about them marrying each other. And she always seemed to make too much physical contact with him around me, almost like it was on purpose. He never did anything about it, but never did anything that would make me suspicious of him. However, when I verbalized the hurt and insecurity her actions were causing, regardless of it only being the result of close friendship, he dismissed it as nothing. He had no respect for my feelings and let her continue to call on the day of prom and the day after. He didn't even try to establish boundaries for her behavior towards him because he thought that there was nothing wrong in the way she acted.

 

Well, the day after prom, after her calling on the day of prom and then doing it again, I was pretty pissed. I wanted to forget about my jealousy and cope with my insecurity, but it was so painful that I started giving him the silent treatment on the way back from where we were hanging out. He got pissed off at my behavior and proceeded to saying a slew of hurtful things to me about how damn sensitive I was. I couldn't take the fact that I had always been the one trying to compromise and keep communication honest and open, and all he wanted to do was ignore every problem we had and act like everything was fine right after a confrontation. I finally bust loose and started screaming for the first time at him. My sudden burst of aggression did nothing, because he proceeded to say that we should break up.

 

There is more to our history that contributed to this outburst and split which are crucial to the understanding of how something so seemingly petty would cause him to break up with me. However, since my post is so long already, I'll save it for whoever wants to know. All I know is that I feel so inhuman, bitter, and depressed because tomorrow *7/2* would of been our 3rd anniversary.

 

I don't even know how to deal with this pain because of the fact that the breakup was so unexpected after such a happy time...

[Seiorai]

I believe you, when you say you felt jealousy towards that girl. It may be, that she and your bf knew each other for a very long time, and be accustomed to that behaviour for a long time, so they would not find anything shocking in it...

 

Still, I would honestly distrust a man who makes marrying jokes with another girl while being in a relationship with me. As I understand, you explained to him your feelings towards that girl and their actions, normally, he should've taken heed to your words and at least discuss it further or chill a little with the other one.

 

Honestly, of what you say, I would ask you to check your memory for possible signs of his involvement with the other girl and with you at the same time...it's not uncommon.

Though people can say terrible, unthinkable things in anger moments, I think there's more to your relationship with that guy than a moment's outburst of rage. Analyze your relationship with him and if you find that he was false don't regret the slightest. You will find a worthy person, there's no doubt about that.

[Zackinlaw]

Welcome to ENA. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

It may be nothing more than the fact that guys like it when girls pay attention to them (so do girls). A sensitive boy, however, would realize that flirting with someone in front of his girlfriend would make her feel jealous and upset. After all, how would he feel if you were to make flirtatious jokes and get piggy-back rides from another boy?

 

Doing this on the day of (and day after) the prom was especially inappropriate because this was supposed to be a special day between the two of you.

 

I doubt that the argument by itself was the cause of your breakup. A three year relationship is a long time, especially at your ages (I'm assuming late high school). What else was going on in your relationship that may have contributed to it?

 

Zack.

[Muzatsu]

Welcome to ENA. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

 

It may be nothing more than the fact that guys like it when girls pay attention to them (so do girls). A sensitive boy, however, would realize that flirting with someone in front of his girlfriend would make her feel jealous and upset. After all, how would he feel if you were to make flirtatious jokes and get piggy-back rides from another boy?

 

Doing this on the day of (and day after) the prom was especially inappropriate because this was supposed to be a special day between the two of you.

 

I doubt that the argument by itself was the cause of your breakup. A three year relationship is a long time, especially at your ages (I'm assuming late high school). What else was going on in your relationship that may have contributed to it?

 

Zack.

 

Well, I was a senior in high school, and just recently graduated last week. He's an alumni of my high school and has been in college for 2 years so far.

We were in a long distance relationship for the years he was in college and it was very difficult to plan out times he would come home, except on holidays. We don't fight, or have lover's quarrels that much, but the rare instances were each very serious and ended with week long periods of no contact. After he went to college, he started to take up binge drinking, not normal social drinking.

 

Then he did that bull * * * * guy thing, calling me at 3 in the morning serenading me, or if he was in a bad mood, verbally abusing me and telling me I didn't love him. Then the next day he would remember nothing he said to me. It was as if he could not express himself to me about anything he felt without being smashed. He's very "keep to himself" like and also terribly avoidant. I am passive, but when pushed to limits, will assert myself. He always tries to ignore problems and make them go away by acting like they don't exist or as if they mean nothing at all. His insensitivity and avoidance, rubbing against my willingness to compromise and be open in the relationship made me become angry at the pettiest things. Superficially, our arguments were mostly about how he was always late (not by minutes or half hours, but by hours) when we were supposed to spend time together, and how he never picked up/or answered my calls because he was drunk or too busy to even tell me in advance.

 

One incident I recall strongly was his friends picking him up from my house on our first anniversary to hang out, when he didn't even call off work for it and came to my house for an hour. I felt like second best all the time particularly from this situation, but decided to understand and forgive.

However, many other incidents would follow due to his bad compromising and planning skills that would lead me to believe that I was just something he wanted to see whenever... In fact, I should have dumped him even though I love him because of all he did to me.

 

He accused me of being too sensitive (I'm a girl, and I am two years younger, what am I going to do?) and being controlling about our time together (when from august to may I see him once a month or every other month, unless it's winter holiday; or when I wanted to spend time AFTER PROM O_o), and that he cannot hang out with anyone else (when he always has time but spends it sleeping excessively and that's why he can't hang out with more than one person in a day; plus he does hang out with people all the time before me when I made plans in advance and stands me up for up to SEVEN hours), so he cannot forgive me O-o. I don't think his reasoning behind his unhappiness compare to the way he has taken advantage of my endless forgiveness for his acts of inconsideration against me. It was all little things I never mentioned but let build up, which made it a big fat problem in our relationship in the end.

 

 

The girl I was jealous of, had a history with him much longer than I had known him and is the same age as him. I remember reading in his yearbook her entry. She talked about how valuable their friendship was, and about the times when they used to like each other. It made me very upset but I never mentioned it to him. Most of my cases of jealousy from this girl, I tried to suppress and get over, but over the years, it built up. I have never gotten to get over this feeling because initially when we started going out, his friends said that he was made for her instead of me, even though his friends were my friends long before we went out. He said he was over her years ago *they never went out in the first place*, and he never does anything back to her when she seems to be flirtatious, but he doesn't do anything about it either. I find it severely hurtful and disrespectful that he doesn't even tell her that she's doing too much, that friends don't touch each other so * * * *ing much, and that when it's such a big date or event, to consider me and either turn the phone off or tell her to call another time. I have faith that he never cheated, but their emotional connection to each other alone, is so painful because I could never be that way for him.

 

Ah well...I still love him and he just goes on about his business because he says he needs the time alone to change and stop hurting me. I don't know whether to believe it since most people have told me that it's just an excuse.

Yet, I want him to take me back someday, if he changes for the better.

[Zackinlaw]

You can't build a realistic relationship based on expecting someone to change. He's 20, and his adult personality is starting to get set ... apparently for the worse.

 

The fact that this girl is an ex-girlfriend just makes it worse when he flirts with her. But his excessive drinking and undependability each would be a deal breaker for me!!!

 

Good luck finding a better boyfriend, I think you are wasting your time and emotions with this one!

 

Zack.

[Muzatsu]

You can't build a realistic relationship based on expecting someone to change. He's 20, and his adult personality is starting to get set ... apparently for the worse.

 

The fact that this girl is an ex-girlfriend just makes it worse when he flirts with her. But his excessive drinking and undependability each would be a deal breaker for me!!!

 

Good luck finding a better boyfriend, I think you are wasting your time and emotions with this one!

 

Zack.

 

I wish I could believe in all the bad he has done to me, but I can't stop thinking that maybe things might change...even though he hurt me so much, I still think he's a nice person behind all his faults.

 

BTW, they never went out, but they used to have crushes on each other. Same difference probably, I know.

[Muzatsu]

I really don't think he was false to me in terms of fidelity, but he was definitely shady about stupid things like if he wanted to hang out with his friends he said he would be cleaning his room o.o.

[Muzatsu]

I reallly need some help guys, I keep on talking to my ex and I really think the only way I can save my sanity is by ignoring him. I don't know how to stop though

[Me and myself]

Well, in your place I would feel jelous also...and certainly would do something stupid.

Anyway, if I notice a girlfriend of mine flirting with another guy, certainly she wouldn't be the right person for me because that's a situation that I can not accpet...It would show no respect for me.

 

M&M

[Muzatsu]

Well, in your place I would feel jelous also...and certainly would do something stupid.

Anyway, if I notice a girlfriend of mine flirting with another guy, certainly she wouldn't be the right person for me because that's a situation that I can not accpet...It would show no respect for me.

 

M&M

 

Yeah, he knew I was jealous and didn't modify his behavior in any way to respect me. It was as if he liked getting that attention from me by me being jealous.

[Muzatsu]

I feel like I am getting mixed messages now. My ex tells me that he doesn't know if he loves me, when just before he said the reason he was unsure was because the love was too much for him.