i hate feeling so hopeless

[Lost2]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 21yo boy, I think I've been moe depressed than happy in my life, but I had some great moments in life though, and even if i had suicide thoughts before they would quickly vanish. But now I'm having a very bad time for like 2 months, Ive tried to keep me busy to stop thinking about what depressed me, i tried to be hopeful, but i find myself hopeless again this week. To tell the story quickly, i've always been a lonely personne, and even though it can be depressing at time, I always managed to do fine despite my loneliness. I never had a girlfriend, and I never had a real close friend. Then one year ago I met this girl over the internet, I fell in love with her and even though she didn't love me, she gave me some clues like I was her closest friend. Anyway for one year I tried to improve a lot, to have a life less boring, talking to new people though i'm very shy and all. I hoped my internet friend would love me one day if i tried hard to be someone. Then I met this cool guy, he became like my best friend in "real world", the first person I really admired. we are muc alike though he is older and more experienced. I knew he was the kind of guy my internet friend would love because of his charisma, though she had never fallen in love with anyone, i had this feeling. anyway I met my internet friend for the second time this summer (last time was summr 2002), and i introduced her to my best firend, and as I feared they fell in love, i first tried hard to be happy for her, but the truth is that i felt so pathetic, i suffered like i never suffered before, I attempted suicide, well maybe not plain suicide, I just jumped in the river at night while drunk, hoping I was drunk enough to drown, but i didn't drown obviously. actually i felt kinda better after i dived, but it didn't last long. i realised i was going really crazy. my internet friend got scared of me when she saw me cut my upper arm with a knife to write her name on it. now she has gone back to her country for a month (she's from russia, i'm from france) and she had promised to write me a great email when she would be back, but she never wrote to me. i didn't want to annoy her so i didn't write for a month, i just sent a quick note for her birthday this week, she didn't reply. I realised I never meant anything to her, not even a friend, i don't understand why i keep loving her so much, despite i try hard to forget and do something with my life. my passon is music, and i hoped that i would be strong enough to fight depression by playing music, but the truth is i am such a perfectionist, i don't like what i do, and trying to create is also very depressing. i realise the things i care about depress me the most. i'm more lonely that i've been in years, when i meet my friends i feel like i'm not really with them, and as soon as i'm alone i have suicide thoughts again. i'm so sorry i seem to complain so much though i have everything i want. i'm rather good as everything i do, just not up to my standards. i try to be less perfectionist for a year but it doesn't work much. i try to fight my shyness and self-consciousness by going to others and all, but each time it's disappointment. then i decided i would stop caring about others since they don't care that much about me, but it doesn't help either, i feel so empty.

sorry it was so long, i just need to write to forget about the pain in my veins...

[LorenaLee]

Wow I am sorry to hear that you have had these feelings for such a long time. I know how it feels to be suicidal I have been there, but I know that you do have hope. You sound like a very caring and compassionate person. With music ability too!! That is awesome!! Just a thought..have you ever tried some sort of counseling? Like maybe Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? I have done some and although I dont know if it worked that well I do know I found out a lot about myself andI was able to share many problems of mine with someone. I am thinking that mabye there is a reason that you have always felt so lonely and depressed...maybe you can find out why you are getting those feelings. Have you tried exercise? That might be another idea. If you needsomeone to talk to get my aim or msn messenger I will chat with you..please dont let this put you over the edge again...you could be the next famous write for all we know!! Cheer up!

Oh and to answer about why maybe she didnt write back...I am thinking that it might be better this way..you shouldnt have to pour all your feelings out to someone who cant return that to you....friends maybe ?

[OmegaMan]

Do you want an honest answer?

 

You are partly responsible for people not wanting to take any interest in you. WAIT! I know it sounds harsh, but I'd be lying if I started to say how sad your life was and all that. I've come to realise the best advices aren't the one that shows pity and thus encourage you to remain in your situation, I prefer honest confrontation, tell me if I'm right or not.

 

Ok, you don't have control over much of anything, but by god, you have control over your thoughts. It's just that if you feel empty and pathetic, it's kind of hard to show how great you actually are to others. Imagine yourself talking to someone who is convinced he is uninteresting, empty and pathetic? How would you react? Maybe you would understand that this person is actually great, only in a lot of pain and confusion but that, I think is unfortunately not the most common behaviour.

 

I think you need to work on yourself. The minute you don't feel pathetic anymore, is the minute you'll feel better about yourself. Then you'll stop hiding behind this veil of shame and finally show to others how you are. People will love you for that courage and honestly and although some people will not pay interest in you, others will. And as far as not paying interest in you, don't take it personnaly. I mean, do you think everyone you meet is intesresting? I know I don't.

 

Don't feel pathetic, you've the right to seek support, I think that's what we all on this board. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe the internet isn't enough though. Self-mutilation (the knife in the harm) is considered rather serious and maybe talking to a real person, and going through therapy might be a good idea, that's just my opinion though.

 

Je ne sais pas si tu parles français parce que ton anglais est excellent alors je vais continuer en anglais. Je suis vraiment surpris, en général l'anglais en france, ce n'est pas la langue la plus.. adoptée.

 

I really think this girl cares about you, otherwise she wouldn't have left her country in russia to meet you right? Maybe she got scared, but come to think about it, others might've too. I honestly would've. Give her some time maybe she'll get back to you after a while.

 

Bon courage.

 

Omega

[Lost2]

thanks Omega, and I'm grateful you're being honest. believe me you're not harsh, some people actually insulted me once after reading my story, and that was harsh.

 

I now that feeling pathetic doesn't help me at all, it's even more difficult to get girls because no girl is interrested in guys they don't admire. and they only admire guys that are confident. that's why i've always been lonely. that's a vicious circle. it's not that easy to learn to like myself, i never did and i haven't found how to stop that self-depreciating thoughts and feelings. sometimes i manage to feel ok about who i am, but it doesn't last long. i don't understand actually. i don't manage to have controle on my thoughts like you say you have. when i try to appear confident i feel like i'm lying. thus if people would have interrest in me i'd feel like they have interrest in a fake me. i don't know, it's complicated...

 

et oui je parle français mais j'ai l'habitude d'écrire en anglais

 

and the girl didn't come to france for me, she travels during her holidays, and me and my friend joined her in paris. i'm pretty sure she will never get in touch with me again, she never actually had much interret in e, i think she was so lonely at the time she would have taken anyone has a friend...

[Lost2]

thanks Etienne, you help me a lot to see clearly among all the horrible thoughts i have lately. i know everything you said, but when i feel that bad only my dark thoughts make sense to me. they never vanish but if i manage to listen to the other voice too i can feel okish.

 

Es-tu Quebecois?

 

This is exactly why I mentionned that you had to manage some confidence before even going for friends and a girlfriend, otherwise it just won't work

that's exactly why i made a lot of efforts while i was still friend with that girl. it was like she made the efoorts worth it. but now i'm not interrested in girls or even friends. i feel lonely but somehow the story made me understood i will always be, i expected too much from my friends. if people are interrested in me because i appear confident, i feel like they are interrested in the way i look, not who i am. i agree it's probably the first step before most people get to really know me though. but i don't really like many people around me, that's also why it took me years before finding friends and was alone much of my youth. it's because i've always been different than most people around me, it was difficult to find people i would feel good with. same for girls, it took me 20 years to find someone i'd fall in love with, and now i feel like i've got no love left to give. i had crushes on girls when i was younger but it would quickly vanish as soon as i got to know the girl better. Anna is the only girl i loved with all her shortcomings, and despite she hurt me. i don't know why. i think i'm harsh with most people, not only with me. now i still try to get confident, but it's not to attract others, it's only to feel better. i'm so sick of never being happy with who i am and what i do. it sounds so easy, i just have to lessen my goals, but i've always been interrested in what is great, not what is good.

 

About the confidence, find out some cool things about you and WRITE THEM DOWN. Make the effort, once you've discovered 20 things or so, you'll feel much better about you. In fact, if you're not to shy, you might even put them right here, in this thread.

well i started to write like 8 things, but then i didn't find more, and it would just feel pointless to me. nevermind, thanks for your help though i think i just need to stop looking at me in a mirror that oten and just act.

[lonedrifter18]

During my 10th grade year of high school, I first encountered depression. I'm not exactly sure what brought it about: my parents' divorce, never having a girlfriend, stressing myself out over school or what. My 11th grade year, the depression only got worse with the arrival of stomach pains and my insides feeling rotten. After meeting someone during the summer for five weeks who I got attached to strongly(sad, ain't it) and having to have her absent from the rest of my life and then hearing she found a boyfriend not long afterwards only worsened. I expected that she'd find someone since she's not only beautiful on the in and out, but I knew I'd probably never find another like her. It took 17 years before I finally met someone I felt so close to. Do I have to wait another 17 for what will probably be another short summer fling? And don't give me that bullshit about being young and how there's plenty much ahead of me. I know people way older than me who are just as miserable and their lives didn't turn around. My 18th year of living, I had my first two panic attacks. One around Christmas. I felt like my house was unfamiliar and my entire family were strangers. All I could do was weep in confusion. With the way things are going, matters will probably only go downhill, but I've kind of gotten use to things going that way. Pretty sad, huh?

[swift44]

Trust me i know how you feel, I'm one of those nice guys who finish last but one thing that helps me keep going is the fact that what goes around comes around so as long as you live your life as a good person who treats others the way you want to be trearted then good things will come, even though it may take a long time. I'm only 15 and I have depression problems that know one knows about but I still keep trying. As for the problem with getting close to a girl and not being able to obtain her, I know how that feels and I sadly don't know what to do about that. unfortunately I got use to the feeling of like a girl alot and seeing her with other people especially those who are just gonna mistreat her. I can relate with you on alot of things and i'm also trying to help myself but if you need to talk or anything just look for swift44. peace and good luck don't give up on life

 

p.s I know how it feels when you get stomach pains just try not to think about it