If You're Both Crap at NC - What's It Mean?

[CrapAtNC]

Abbreviated background:

 

She couldn't show affection; I used to need signs of affection.

 

I broke up with her three times; she was devastated three times (and I was amazed, as I thought she wasn't so into me).

 

She's the girl of my dreams, and we're highly compatible.

 

I'm 39; she's 31.

 

After about 7 months and the three break-ups, she dumps me; I am fine.

 

She gets new guy; I am devastated and want her back.

 

I read Bonds That Make Us Free and it changed my whole perception of all my relationships; it changed me!

 

I work (too) hard on getting her back; we become extremely intimate (far more than ever before) and yet she still goes to him to 'make up her mind'.

 

It's clearly a great stress on her, as she thought I didn't want her.

 

She is now taking time alone, and has broken it off with the rebound guy; she is wanting to 'find herself', but seems to be a little depressed.

 

Throughout this period (about 6 weeks), we have been in and out of touch. At first, I was tearful and needy, but now I'm more positive, improving myself, going on a two-week holiday to Thailand, and make sure I always leave her laughing when we do communicate.

 

We can go two or three days with no contact, but then either she or I will get in touch, and then lengthy, serious, then fun, relaxed, nice, even intimate conversations take place.

 

I keep pushing for a decision on whether we would get back (I've made it very clear I will not hurt her again, and she knows I have changed); each time she says 'If you want an answer now, then I suggest we both move on'.

 

But she can't move on, and neither can I; when I make it clear that I will indeed do that, she pulls toward me again.

 

I have stopped asking for a decision, and I am doing my best to give her the space she is needing right now. Sometimes we have lengthy MSN chats, but mostly our interactions are short and sweet now.

 

She can express herself beautifully now, but not all the time, and can still appear rude via her shyness and reluctance to expose her heart to ache again; I no longer let that bother me, as it's not meant to bother me - it's just her dealing with her own issues.

 

I love her dearly and would love to make this work now that I have learned so much from that book. I really see her as a very different person to how she was before, and that has magically made her change for the better too.

 

But, we both seem to be hesitant to move on and hesitant to get back (though I'm the keener of the two to get back, it seems).

 

So, any feedback? Why are we both crap at NC? Should I try harder at NC? Or should I just let things develop as they have been? Should I do something different?

 

I love this forum, by the way - so glad you're all here when I need you most!

 

Thanks.

[thelonelydoll]

Erm, highly compatible? I must've missed something. But I didn't miss 7 months and 3 break-ups. Sounds more like work than a relationship based on healthy love.

[CrapAtNC]

The compatibility is in everything we do and believe in. We share the same deep interests and philosophies, same loves, same sense of humour, the same style, the same music collection, the same book collection, and the other coincidences are numerous.

 

The one problem we had that caused the break-ups is the one incompatibility we had: her keeping a wall around her heart (she was badly hurt by a break-up two years previously) when I needed more signs of affection.

 

I know it's easy to say that I have changed, but I truly have. I don't know if you've read that book, but it really is a big smack in the face - a life-changing read. She knows I've changed, and so do I, and so does everyone else around me. The things that bothered me before simply don't bother me now ... and I have been severely put through all manner of tests, which I have passed easily because I don't need to try; I really have changed.

 

The magical thing is, by changing the way I react to her, she is now able to let her guard down and change her behaviour towards me. The last month or so has been our best, as lovers and as friends.

 

Hope that clarifies things a little.

[kimmie11479]

I would just let it develope as it should. If she wants to talk to you she will and you will know when she woudl rather be short, that should be ok with you to.

 

Compatibility: some people are compatible in area's but not in other areas of life and a relationship is always work (on both sides) no one is going to agree with everything that the other person does. It's what you willing to except or not to excpet and that's were the work comes into play.

[reasonablegirl]

Hmmm, you want her to want to be in a committed relationship with you. She wants to 'find herself'. With you around her all the time, how is she supposed to find herself? With you giving her everything she needs without having to commit, why should she ever give you what you want and probably need from her?

 

The inability of either of you to move away from each other has put you both in a situation where you are only getting half of what you want and each is too scared to lose the other to take the real jump and be concerned only with your own needs.

 

You wouldn't be posting here if this situation wasn't painful for you. If you want the pain to stop, rip off the band aid of your ex and let her find herself while you find someone who is ready to fully commit to you.

[andy5128]

No contact, no contact and no contact.. and No excuses...

 

In the words of Nike... JUST DO IT..

 

Set yourself small targets if you have to.. a week. then 2..then 3.. and so on.. Holding on is not healthy mate...

 

Go no contact... make her see what she is missing.. If she calls/texts ignore it, if she calls/texts again ignore.. if she calls/texts again the third time then take it but you were so busy enjoying your life and doing things etc.. Keep the convo light and upbeat and then end the call yourself your far too busy to speak with her right now!! You get the idea..

 

Andy

[rbr85]

It sounds like you're being given the run around. The sooner you let go, the sooner you will pat yourself on the back further down the line. Yet, only you know what you should do. Always trust your instinct, if you feel that something is fishy about all this... more often than not your gut is trying to tell you something your heart is blinding your mind from seeing.

[CrapAtNC]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I agree that the most important compatibility aspect is the relationship and what we expect of it. I'm intrigued to see how well (or not well) it would work after the changes that have happened and still are happening.

 

I also agree that NC and not being too available is the best way to go - for both of us. There really is no point getting back together too soon, especially before she has come to wanting that herself, so it's better all round if I just get on with my life. The holiday will help immensely.

 

The situation was very painful, but I handled it a lot better than I thought I would, and I've been very understanding about the rebound guy, mainly as I have accepted that I was mostly to blame, as I basically pushed her away when she wanted to make it work and kept telling her to find someone else. She was heartbroken - that's what she tells me - and I don't blame her in the slightest for moving on. I admire her for being that strong. Of course, I alos know that I never want to go through that experience again, and will never, as she puts it, 'say something you don't mean'.

 

My instinct is that she is being honest with me, genuinely wants me around, knows I'm the right guy for her, but feels that she may get hurt again and so is taking time to see if she would make the right decision getting back with me. I think she may like the idea of being friends, but that she hasn't considered the realities of that, which, in most probability, will cause her all the hurt she wishes to avoid. So my instinct tells me that NC is the way to go, but return the occasional message/call late, to show that I won't be at beck and call, as it's not healthy for either of us.

 

And I intend to have a lot of good clean fun in Thailand. A massage a day should do the trick.

[CrapAtNC]

So, the cat got checked out, and it seems she had a blockage in there somewhere, so I'm glad I took her to the vet.

 

I decided I would leave the cat at the vet and send her a message to go pick her up - not to be mean, but because I really am a busy guy. Then she calls. I wait. Let it ring. I really don't want to answer. But she NEVER calls me. Unless there is something wrong with an animal (I rescue needy animals).

 

So, I pick up, and she has spotted a dog we've been looking for for a couple of weeks since he was first sighted hobbling along a mountain road with a gin trap on his leg. I have no choice this time; it's my job and my passion - I have to go get the dog. I'm at the vet, so I grab her cat to avoid possibly having to meet up again later to give her back.

 

She waits in the mountains for me while watching the dog so we don't lose him. I arrive 40 minutes later, and the dog has disappeared, but she shows me where he was last seen, and I poke around, and sure enough he hobbles out to try and escape. I chase him down along a railway line and get him in a net. I am a hero! She loves animals, works with them, and truly loves helping animals in need. I know I look good now.

 

I drive the dog and the ex and her cat back to the city (she was working on a project out there). I drop her off at her dance class ... and as I drive away to go to a meeting, I find she has left the cat's medicine in the car. NC still has not started! ](*,)

 

I text her. She replies, 'Dam'. I am not going to offer anything. I correct her English: "Damn!" No reply as yet. I might just put the meds in her mailbox tomorrow, as early as possible to get the NC started. I hope to have NC from tomorrow until I get back from Thailand. But I know she will contact me. So maybe it'll have to be something between NC and LC - I'll just reply late and keep it all upbeat.

 

Wish me luck!

[CrapAtNC]

Only one short brief (unfortunately unavoidable) text message from me this evening, after a WHOLE DAY of NC! It seems to have got her worried, as I got two responses within three minutes, and she's now making pleasant small talk.

 

One of us has to be not crap at this NC stuff, so I am not responding. Though I will do perhaps in a day or two, so as not to appear like I'm affected by the break up in any bad way.

 

Felt pretty bad all day, but much better now that I know she's waiting for a reply from me ... and that I'm off to Koh PhaNgan in just five days!