PLEASE HELP- any sensible advice much appreciated

[jellpop]

 

 

 

Good morning from the UK everyone. I need some advice and what is happening here and if I should just put it behind me.

 

Our relationship: I met him in a bar had been single after 6 year break up- had been on my own for 9 months after.He was a lovely guy and asked me out on a dinner date, 6months later, he asked me to move in. So i gave up my flat which I was renting. We had a lot of problems over the year. I was homseick (from another country close by) and kept saying there was prob no point loing term.. if i was that homesick. That went on for over 6 months, but eventually went.

 

It wasnt my fault, i just felt awful but i loved him, so I stayed. We did have some very happy times, went travelling around the world to different places and recently started to talk about children/marriage (him too). He said not this minute but gave me an indication he would ask next year. The problems we had got out of hand because i felt he bottled things up and i kept on going on at him (i talk too much, he talks very little). Everyone said what a change I had brought to his life, he became more considerate and thoughtful of those around him, mates, family. He left behind the banking trader lifestyle to spend alot of time at home with me etc etc. He was a nice boyfriend.

 

Things started to go wrong when he was going away on this trip and that trip with the lads (mainly stags). I found out he had been in a strip club even though I told him i wasnt interested in a man that was even there in one. He said sorry but he still thinks i made a huge deal out of it. We argued about commitment - which started to become a little less clearer and the resentment set in. After which, it just became me arguing and him saying very little. After I decided to go away with my friends for a change, he was too'busy' to pick me up from the station and he looked annoyed that I had had a good time without him. We broke up after I packed my bags last tuesday and he just watched me pack. The next morning, he went to work and kissed me on the head but didnt give me any indication to stay.

 

After all the rows, i packed up and left half my stuff there. Luckily my mum has moved over to the uk, so i stayed with her. I thought we might be able to work it out but it became clear even after 5 days that although he said 'he loved me' he didnt think we could live under the same roof and thereforeeee I should live elselwhere. I had such a hard week, living between my mates and mum trying to cope with the break up and work & worrying bout where I was going to live. His attitude made me worried. I am a firm believer of working things through with each other together.

 

I have been so humiliated but some part of me just is so disappointed it has come to this. I sent him a message to say i was sorry for the things I had said (i was angry) but id didnt deserve this. Now i am about to sign a lease for next few months and probably going to buy a place of my own once ive saved the rest of my cash up. I am very hurt he let it go this far. He responded and asked me had i 'pulled'.i.e. met someone, and i said taht should be the least of his worries, altough i do not need a man to validate my life despite what he thinks. He sent some sarcastic texts trying to make me feel guilty. But I feel I didnt have a choice - i had nowhere to live and he gave me no sign he was fully committed to working it out.

 

Thing is, I am moving on but can anybody tell me what is going on in this mans mind and if there was something I could do, what would that be.

In my opinion, he has acted very disappointing for such a wonderful person in the end, and sounds like he was drunk last night. He can be so cold..help!

 

what should I do??

xxxJ

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA jellpop, great to have you here...

 

That was a great post, very well written, heartfelt, and effective.

 

The main point here is that you mention you had "a lot" of problems over the year you were together. It seems with that said, the current situation was a culmination of that, the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back". It sounds to me from reading your post, the clear overall impression I get, is that you guys just aren't right for each other. Either your personalities, interests, mannerisms, methods of dealing with problems aren't right and/or the timing of your relationship isn't right; he sounds to be a ways away from actually committing his life to be with someone else.

 

And this is pretty common actually: when people start talking about marriage, kids, taking things to the next level, one person who thought they wanted that, realizes they don't, and pull back, run away, when they can start to feel what they perceive to be the shackles and leg irons of commitment awaiting them. That's very common, and usually happens when things are actually moving in that direction; the reality of the situation trumps their perceived thoughts and desires on the matter.

 

And the fact he left a lifestyle to be with you or left it when he was with you says a lot too. It all fits with his strip club escapades with his buddies. It sounds like he wants his life back, one away from a relationship.

 

But things happened, you guys broke up, separated, you said your piece, and this is done. I think the fact you guys had "a lot" of problems during the course of the relationship is key, as too is your mention of resentment, the giant killer of relationships.

 

He is likely cold because he has lost feeling, replaced by the resentment you mention. No matter though because you guys weren't clicking anyway. A year of "a lot" of problems says a lot and it sounds like you guys are better off going your separate ways, grieving, healing, and making yourselves available to meeting someone with whom each of you fit.

 

At this point, while you are still shaken up and reeling from this, my advice is to cut it clean, make a clean and real separation, and way later potentially touch base again and become friends.

[waterbaby07]

HI Jellpop-

Oh how i feel for you. My ex and i are living together at the moment. he broke up with me over one month ago- went cold. picked me up at the airport after a few days away and wouldn't hug me, kiss me. he's drunk and asleep on the couch at the moment. Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine

I read friscodj's comment and I wouldn't say that you're not right for each other- your 'arguing' styles may be a bit off- it always takes time and work to mesh with someone. It also takes compromise- a willingness to meet halfway. Two people aren't going to fit together like a puzzle piece. I know my ex isn't right for me- he has a lot of great qualities, but lacks some major ones- ambition, ability to communicate, ability to work through "hard" times. The straw that broke HIS back was a fight that we had one week before I left for vacation. I thought it was me venting- but he saw it as unhealthy. He doesn't like any sort of disagreement- in my opinion, he's very immature and still needs a lot of growing up to do. I think both of our men do. What's your ex's history like with women? Has he ever lived with anyone before? My ex broke up with everyone he was with- he has no problem getting into a committed relationship, just can't stay in one for longer than 9-10 months.

You did the right thing moving out. Now it's time to move on..... Im still so in love with my ex, but i have to ask myself (and so do you): "do I really want to be with a man who could be so cold-hearted to me?" i sure as heck don't. Im trying to be positive- What can you learn from this relationship? I learned that i couldn't be so blunt and insensitive. Men have feelings too, but bottle up a lot in order to remain 'manly' (i learned this the hard way). Try to take the bigger person route- be nice, no name-calling or finger-pointing. That's the sweetest revenge in my eyes- not letting him APPEAR to get to you.

If you want him back, take time away from him. no contact whatsoever. Tell him you love him and want to work things out, but that he has to take the first step.

[jellpop]

Hi waterbaby

 

My boyfriend is 33. I am 27. He has never lived with a woman before, and beacuse he earns a good wage as a banker he has dumped women before for trying to use him. He has never really had a meaningful relationship since he was in college and that was many years ago.

 

Yes, the coldness hurts. It does make me wonder can I be with him. I think the other poster was right though- he really loved me but I cant help but thinking he isnt really mature enough to deal with the concept of real commitment even though he says he is. He is old enough- and it worries me when the fighting got bad that he could just give up and try and shut me out of the picture.

 

He knows I am a kind person and I still care for him. He knows that.

 

But for now, ive got another place to live and am going to try get my own property - i dont want to have nowhere to live because he thinks we cant live together.

 

I sent him a message asking to c him at lunch, he replied saying it was his last day in his job and he couldnt meet today. I said to him that it is hard in both of us, but i cant force him to communicate. And told him, it wasnt to discuss us getting back together as I accept that isnt the case now and I have got my own place. He hasnt responded as yet.