INTERESTING STORY_ He is wrong, friends and family agree- I can't figure it out.

[candy14]

I am a 29 year old, mature, extremely sucessful, woman who comes from a good family. I had been dating a 29 year old male for 1 year. During this time, I ignored a lot of red flags in hopes that things would get better. He has severe OCD, lives at home with his family at 29, doesn't have a real office job, $ is never steady, and has a lot of health related problems that limited our relationship and time spent together. I was very patient and sensitive to his needs but were ignoring a lot of my own. At times he was verbally abusive but would always quickly apologize when I stood up for myself.

 

He found out that he is in trouble with the law from a business that he had several years back and has informed me that he is leaving the country and in the same breath also informed me that he cannot have children. I felt very bad for him. We broke up 1 month ago.

 

We have still remained in contact, more out of my curiosity to find out if he is being honest about his entire situation. I am not sure why it would matter but its been my mission to find out. I ended up catching him in some trivial lies -where he looked me in the face and lied to me. When caught I asked him why did he do this and he said that he did it to protect me and then went on to explain why he is the way he is. It seemed really strange as once again, he roped me into feeling sorry for him again. He said that he didn't deserve me, he called himself a pathetic loser and he would rather have me be with a great guy then himself.

 

My parents feel he has a severe mental disorder, pathological liar- although friends initially liked, they all feel he is a dead end and wrong. He walks a crooked line and I walk a straight honest line.

 

Why can't i see what other people see- i keep trying to talk to him when i know its wrong. ANY ADVICE?

[grendel]

Sometimes people with OCD lie about trivial things because they are embarrassed about their OCD. For instance my husband has OCD, and he might lie and say he can't go out because he has to do something else when in reality he doesn't want to go out because he has an irrational fear of catching HIV in certain circumstances. I have no idea if something like this could be the case with your guy.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

"Why can't i see what other people see- i keep trying to talk to him when i know its wrong. ANY ADVICE?"

 

I feel this is so because you are emotionally invested in him and because of that, you are not impartial to the whole situation. Plus, you feel sorry for him. DON'T! True he has severe OCD but feeling sorry for him does not make his OCD better nor does it help you nor him.

 

Is he in treatment? Does he take medication? What does HE do to help himself? If the answer is no and he does not do anything to help himself, he does NOT need pity. He has every opportunity to help himself (OCD is VERY treatable) and if he does not, well, there is nothing you can do.

 

Furthermore, it is difficult and impracticle to have a romantic relationship with someone whom you feel sorry for and feel the need to save the other from him/herself. This has nothing to do with his OCD per sae, just generally feeling sorry for someone whether the case may be. You are not on even playing ground at all.

 

This man is not good for you at all and is his own worse enemy. My advise? To cut all contact with him. These kinds of folks (whom do not help themselves) can be leeches on other's emotional state and flat out draining to be with. You deserve more than he can offer.

 

Hang in there.

[adahy]

End all contact with this person immediately. Lies have much deeper roots - take sociopaths for example.

 

The world can be difficult for good people like yourself. There is nothing to be curious about in this situation! You know he's a loser. He always will be. That fact doesn't need to be validated to anyone else. You know, and that's enough. Learn from this. Never have sympathy for a manipulater. NEVER.

Seek therapy for yourself if you don't understand yourself. Best wishes.

[ycmanvs]

I understand your curiosity and wanting to find out what is going on with him, but you are broken up and no good can come out of you keeping in touch with him. It does not sound like he is getting any help for his problem, so try to move on and find a healthy partner.

 

The sooner you stop contact, the faster you will find someone better.

[adahy]

Sometimes people with OCD lie about trivial things because they are embarrassed about their OCD. For instance my husband has OCD, and he might lie and say he can't go out because he has to do something else when in reality he doesn't want to go out because he has an irrational fear of catching HIV in certain circumstances. I have no idea if something like this could be the case with your guy.

 

There are no excuses. Sorry.

 

OP, your boy has legal problems, freeloads, lies consistantly, etc....bad, bad, bad, signs!!!!!!!!! Maybe he's lying about the OCD? The mentally ill lie about illness all the time. Please, don't make excuses for his behavior! You don't have to know "why"...with people like this you never know and never will. You know all you need to know!

[kellbell]

Another thought here that people most likely felt sorry for him all his life, like friends, family, aquaintences, etc. And look where it got him? No where, no steady work, or income, legal issues, still living at home. Pity enables people to continue down an unhealthy path.

 

OCD or not, people still need to take responsiblity for their lives and actions. No excuses. Unless a person has been clinically diagnosed as insane or completely mentally incompetent (i.e. schizophrenic, pychosis), people need to be held accountable for how they treat others and the choices they make.

[candy14]

Thank you all so much for posting. Sometimes its helpful to see what outsiders think.... I have been asking "why, why" and even if I knew the why- it wouldn't be any good to me bc a) it could be lies and b) i can't get back together with someone who is soooo mentally sick. My father is a therapist and actually used the word "sociopath" and he did not use it lightly. My ex is not ethical for the law trouble he is in, so how can he be ethical in his personal life. He won't even face his law suit head on, he thinks fleein'g the country is the better answer. Also, he has no college degree. He tried to go back multiple times, but never achieved it. Mind you my mother is an English professor. Also, he has not been able to hold down a job, he has a problem with working FOR someone. He also pays no rent, lives at home, but drives a fancy car and clothes- to give an image that isn't real. Also, he has spent over $100,000 in changing his appearance. From nose, to ears, to teeth, to jaw. He has deeeeep rooted issues and I am trying so hard to cut contact. My mind is not working the way that it should work. Head is saying let it go let it go let it go and my heart is saying- u feel bad u feel sorry - etc.... I am my own worst enemy is this and I AM WASTING MY precious days.

[kellbell]

Out of curiosity, has he been FORMALLY diagnosed as OCD or is that sympathy card he plays? Also of the things you mentioned in your second post does not fit the profile at all.

 

From your description, he sounds like an immature, mommy's boy. Sorry. Sounds like he just likes to ride other people's coat tails and will not grow up. That is not OCD, that is acting like a spoiled brat.

[candy14]

Actually he made a fortune at 18 in the internet business and lost pretty much everything. he went from zero to a hero....and back down to zero...Now is in trouble with the law from prior efforts. After our last argument I received a 6 page letter where he said that i am too good for him, he doesn't deserve me and he refuses to let me end up with a guy like him. He calls himself a creep, a loser, etc... Its hard to hear.

[candy14]

Also my biggest problem is the INSTANT MESSANGER>- It is so easy and quick and impulsive to speak to him that way. i have tried blocking deleting but then i put him back. its terrible. i have no will power to stop myself from this loser.

[matildathornbird]

I went out with a guy that I met when i was naive and 15. He was 18 at the time. After a few weeks I started to notice he was lying about little things and I just didn't really feel right about the relationship. I tried ending it, he told me he was waiting for some results about a heart abnormality he has and he might be dying so would I just stay with him till he got the results. This dragged on and on and I stayed with him out of pity. Then of course the 'results' which were never there came back to be something that was bad enough for me to feel sorry for him but not lethal.

 

Whenever we had an argument it was convieiently the 'anniversray of his dads death' or 'his dads birthday' or one time 'someone had dug up his dads ahses'....all blatant lies about things you would think no one would lie about but he would do anythin to get out of a potentially bad situation between us.

 

He lied about everything. From big things like money (pretending he had money when he didn't etc) to little things like even if you'd asked what he'd watch on telly last night he'd probably lie about it. He even stole money out of my bank account and bought me presents with it!! He only admitted it when I was phoning the bank to see where all the money out of my account had gone.

 

He used to threaten suicide. He used to spread lies about me behind my back so that I lost pretty much all my friends etc.

 

When we split up he told everyone he was dying of cancer. He also said he was getting a new sports car. When he failed to die, and no car turned up, people started to cotton on that maybe this guys a liar and people eventually realised all the stuff he'd spread about me wasn't true and who was the 'bad' guy of the relationship.

 

I eventually ended it when he said he was going to kill us both and swerved us towards another car on the motorway. The car swerved out of the way and neither of us were hurt but it was enough to shock me out of the relationship I'd wasted 18 months of my life in. Who knows what had happened if we'd stayed together!

 

He recently contacted me to say what a great person I am blah blah blah and that he is just recovering from having a blood clot removed off his brain.

 

Point of the story - you are wasting your time. It's impossible to have a relationship with someone who lies like this. And also you never know if he could turn nasty/dangerous. Like someone said the two are closely linked and my ex had endangered me in the past.

 

Get out of it now, at the very best you are wasting your time, worst case scenario you are endagering yourself. It is unlikely he will ever change. People don't change and you shouldn't try to change them either. Get with someone who is perfect for you the way they are now.

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

It seems like you are on a quest to figure all this out. Like a project or something. This is not about HIM per sae but this is about WHY. Why did this happen to YOU and if you understood, perhaps it would make things easier, make closure easier and moving on easier.

 

But let me tell you, are not going fathom what this man did to you and WHY. Because you not on his level, you are a mature, straight-arrowed, successful person. He is on the very opposite end of the spectrum. So, in that sense, it is nearly impossible to comprehend the why's.

 

Like I said before, he is spoiled, had everything handed out to him, gets through life by lying and running away from his responsibilites. And someone else is always there to clean up his mess because there is always someone there to feel sorry for him and pity him. He knows how to manipulate people, he has been doing it for years, he is a pro. You feel victim to his lies. I am sorry for that.

 

REMOVE his name from your IM chat list. Block his email address. You have become obessesed with the why's and not seeing the big picture. Listen to your friends and family. They love and care about you. They will always be there for you. They SEE the big picture.

[adahy]

He sounds like the classic sociopath...the more you say gives me chills. They often live for free, hopping jobs, etc. Changing appearance is scary! Don't feel bad though, just learn from it. Sociopaths are often charming individuals and they hold people under spells...from pity, to guilt, etc. Manipulation is their craft. They have no conscience or soul. You will never understand them. There are help groups I believe for people damaged by sociopaths which might bring you comfort and resolution...check online. Hearing other people's stories might help you heal.

[grendel]

Yes it sounds like his life is a big mess and it wouldn't be good for you to be involved. You'd find yourself feeling you have to constantly bail him out of trouble. It's probably best to cut off contact in order to protect your emotions. I didn't talk about my husband's OCD in order to excuse this guy, just to say that if the guy really does have OCD, then the motivations behind his actions and lies may be very strange and difficult to understand. Since you've broken up with him (which is surely for the best) there's not much point in trying to figure him out. Sorry for expressing myself so badly. Changing appearance - could that be due to body dysmorphic disorder (a feeling that one is tremendously ugly and needs to change) or is it something creepier?

[ElektraHere]

I agree with Kellbell. You are so invested in this person that it's clouding your rationality. I think once you can see it for what it is you will feel the same way as your friends and family.

 

As far as the letter and him saying you deserve better. That is a con if I have ever seen one. He is using that letter to hook you in by pulling on your heart strings and by using a little bit of guilt and manipulation.

 

My suggestion would be to leave this situation fast!!!

[Siriana]

RUN

 

You are completely traumatized by this guy...go to therapy on a few talks...just to gain strength to cut him off completely.

[candy14]

RUN - FAST would be the best medicine... I am executing all will power to cut things off. He is bringing me down and although he wants me to get better and move on from this- his lies and shennanigans have literally made things worse. He actually is telling me that he "wants to say bye to me before he goes and flees the country, its bS"

[kellbell]

I would not contact him ever, let him leave the country without the goodbyes. Hang in there.

[ycmanvs]

Stop talking to him. Stop all contact. That way you will eventually get over him and he will find someone else to manipulate.

[candy14]

We agreed to not speak.