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Should I try to get him back?


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Hello, my boyfriend just broke up with me while I was visiting my parents for a week.

 

He told me the reason he broke up with me was because I was selfish. All I ever did was complain about everything, even the most insignificant, and make it a big deal. He told me I made him my psychiatrist and it wore him out.

 

He also said he's tested me many times and has come to the conclusion that I never listen to him.

 

Also, he had confused feelings about me. I would ask him why, he had no idea, so I would think they didn't mean anything without a reason to them.

 

He said he waited until I was gone because in the past he's tried to end it, and I just cry. That made him feel bad, so he had to do it when I was 500 miles away.

 

He said he wants to be my best friend. It's really hard to be someone's best friend after sharing such feelings with them.

 

How do I get him back? He says he still loves me, but not in the way he thinks I love him. Do I still have a shot?

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I suppose you have a shot if you're willing to take a good, hard look at yourself - is it possible that you do complain about everything and that you don't listen to him? What are the good parts of the relationship?

 

Well, he made me happy and would cheer me up when I was down. We also had a lot of fun together. We spent alot of time together, it was fun. As for me, I do complain about a lot of things, mostly my family. I use to do it because I wanted him to share his problems with me too. But he was very to himself. I use to think he was sick or something. As for not listening to him, I would usually zone him out if he was complaining or going on about the same ol' thing.

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I think the general theme running through these forums is that you can't "get" a person back. You can improve yourself and they naturally miss you and WANT to come back, but that's a self-realization on their part.

 

Also, if he feels like you don't listen to him, he feels that you don't love him. You need to love him the way he wants to be loved (see the 5 love languages book), and then he'll feel loved.

 

Also, always think about the possibility that he may just not like you that much and was trying to find reasons to build his case. In that case, you should just move on. I think if he really loves you, he would have handled it differently. He would tell you how much he loved you, but these certain habits have got to stop. If they don't stop, he doesn't think that he can take them in a long-term relationship.

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Actually, he use to mention that he wasn't sure how he felt for me, and he didn't want to commit just yet. He wanted to date other girls to make sure I was the right girl.

 

Also, he did mention he thought I didn't love him because when I said I wanted to go back to where he was staying, I never mentioned me missing him, just how I'm miserable at home. He felt abit... unwanted.

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He should know how much you love him, and if you're just not showing it in the right way. At least w my gf I can tell that. Keep in mind that sometimes people "project" their own feelings on to others. So when he says that you don't love him bc you're not doing this and that, he may be doing it just to make himself feel better so that he can say he left you bc you didn't love him. In actuality, he's just not sure about you.

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Guess he started zoning you out, too. It's so nice to have someone around when we're down, but a relationship is a two-way street. What did you have to offer him?

 

He asked me that exact same question (but it was him asking me "What do you want from this?") I honestly don't understand it, I figured if we're in love, isn't that it? I wanted us to eventually grow into something serious, I guess.

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Well, no, being in love isn't it - relationships require some work: communication and conflict resolution skills spring to mind. And knowing yourself well enough to know what you want. Is this perhaps a case of you wanting to have something serious and he didn't?

 

Well, we had some communication issues. He would get very defensive sometimes like I was blaming him for things I didn't blame him for. I know I wanted to be with him, but he wasn't so sure. And yeah, he wasn't ready for a commitment. One of the last things he told me was "There's only 2 places this relationship can go... marriage... or break up... and I'm not ready to be married."

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Well, I don't believe those are the only two options for a relationship, but you should probably take this at face value, as that's how he sees this particular relationship.

 

Take some time to deeply consider what YOU want, with these two options in mind. Do you really, truly, want to marry this man?

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Hmmmm..maybe you really DIDN'T listen to him. This is an issue..a MAJOR issue, especially when you are treating him like your therapist.

 

Try to empathise .Are you an empathetic person?You said he would cheer you up....when you were down..yet you would zone out on him when HE talked. That's a apretty selfish attitude....and sounds like he has come to resent it...which truthfully I DON'T blame him.

 

When we are involved with soemone ....that person should be a source of comfort in our time of need. The person you want to talk to most. If he felt like he couldn;t even do that, then you cut off a vital part of what made your relationship special.

 

Can you get him back?? Hmmmm there are no guarantees....but I would say not without showing him ...on a consistent basis he can rely on you to support him...without it always being about you.

 

I would definetely do some soul searching...either way..in any relationship..

good communication is very vital. On BOTH sides....and you may need to work on this aspect of yourself....

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