What are red flags when meeting someone online

[annie24]

oh, another red flag I just remembered!

 

A guy contacted me online and I looked at his photos. There was a photo of him and a lovely woman, hugging on a mountaintop with a beach in the background. the caption said, "me and a friend." he was wearing a wedding ring!!!! Friend, my ass! That was probably his wife, maybe his ex wife, clearly on a romantic vacation. if he was really divorced, then you shouldn't have a photo with you and your ex, and especially not when you are wearing a wedding ring. yikes. some people just don't pay attention to the details.

[Batya33]

I cannot ever top friscodj's story - thanks for sharing! My feeble attempt: I had a date with a guy who claimed to be 5"8 but was really 5"2 - the height was not an issue but to lie to that extent kind of was - strike one. Strike two, we really didn't click well enough to justify a second date. He didn't call, anyway. Six months later, we run into each other. He e-mails me to ask me out, claiming that he didn't six months earlier because he wasn't sure I was interested. I decided there was no harm in one more lunch during the work day, just to make sure.

 

About a week before our scheduled date I look up his profile on line. He has changed his picture to one where his chest was bare and . . . . he was looking down at his chest (or, impliedly, um, below his belt) with a sort of smile from what I could tell. I immediately e-mailed him and said that on reflection it was better not to meet. I couldn't "bare" to tell him the real reason.

 

Then there was the guy a friend of mine met who would only order food in multiples of eight so that he asked if he could have 16 instead of 12 chicken wings . .. . . .

[InaneCathode]

I can't help but to feel sorry for all the 'weird' guys people meet and laugh about... I mean, the internet is probably their last hope, and being a weird guy myself i feel their pain

[Batya33]

I can't help but to feel sorry for all the 'weird' guys people meet and laugh about... I mean, the internet is probably their last hope, and being a weird guy myself i feel their pain

 

I did empathize with some of the weird guys (although I had a good weird guy radar and ended up meeting very few in person) but I did not empathize with those who lied (affirmatively or by omission) to get me to meet them.

[InaneCathode]

Ah, but the ocd guy about the multiples of 8, poor guy

[flipmo]

The main red flag for me was talking too much about themselves with no mention of what they are looking for. My SO and I met online and he described both things about equally. Another guy who I talked to for a while because I was so impressed by everything that he had done talked about himself constantly and was the bossiest person I have ever spoken to. The second time we IMed he told me what job I should get (tutoring) then made me posters to advertise my tutoring skills, even though I already had a job and told him I didn't need another! Then he asked me what a piece of Latin meant and told me I was wrong when I said it didn't really mean anything (I have studied Latin for 7 years!!). Then he hounded me even though I'd told him I had met someone, and kept telling me I'd made a mistake and how great he was. Urgh. Another red flag for me was grammatical errors, a focus on material or superficial things, no mention of doing things with friends or family, any criticism of themselves (including their picture...if you know it's bad why didn't you put a better one up?), any mention of ex's, saying they're not looking for anything serious (not because I was wanting to get married or anything...I just felt it was an odd thing to say), saying they are looking for something serious (ditto), any cheesy lines like "I like to hold doors open and shower girlfriends with gifts". Basically, I was looking for someone who was genuine and not bragging about themselves or running themselves down. And in the end I only had to meet up with one guy - talking on instant messengers let me see for myself what they were really like, and I was talking to about 10 guys, gave 4 guys my mobile phone number. As soon as I started talking to my SO I knew he'd be the first guy I'd meet up with.

[1guygirl]

well i have to smile to myself over my ex's faceparty profile. he hasnt got a pic up because hes prob had the p*ss taken out of him...which in fairness isnt nice and i do feel for him on that...

 

but his new found best friend he used to rub my face in it has now disappeared off the face of the earth..i think she saw her own red flags as now shes decided to date some other guy...and deleted her own profile too

 

so now he has created his FOURTH new identity in as many months and has a charming outdoorsy lass on there saying thanks for the chat, how kind he is,and he really made her laugh and she hopes to do it again soon xxxxxxxxx

 

well at first it was quite wounding and made me angry - him kind?????!!!!! yeah dumping me whilst pregnant to cyber date is sooo caring. i didnt message her or anything, tho i was tempted - just said a prayer for her and left it at that. it wasnt on closer inspection that her 'profile' had the same answers to the questions as the ex's including the same bad bad grammar...it had been created few mins before that comment 'she' left ex at 1am in the morning...yes yes yes (i can hardly contain myself here!!!)....HE CREATED HER PROFILE TO POST TO HIMSELF TO MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE HES WANTED ETC ETC...oh how i went to bed in shock disbelief but grinning - hes seriously lost it - and all because i deleted my profile

 

is that not just a trillion red flags all up at the same time LOL!!!

 

scary thing is - how thick does he rate me !!!! and imagine if i had 'warned her' bout my ex...mabes, well i def think thats what he wanted, a reaction of any sort and sorry darl..he didnt get it hehe

 

oh keep em coming peeps this is great!

[dietrying]

^ LOL.

 

There's this one guy I've chatted with a few times who is already saying I am his perfect partner that he's waited so long for and that he's going to come see me every weekend and eventually move in together. He seems like a nice guy, but I don't think I want to meet him at all now.

 

This other guy talked down to me as if I were the most timid thing on Earth, and he made it sound as if guys never notice me because I'm a bit shy. He began to get very angry when I would go a couple hours without texting him even after the conversation had come to a natural end. We had only been talking a few days (texting for most of that time because it was free) and he was getting really annoyed that I never text him first. (after 2 hours of silence) He seemed to be outraged that I was shy. (actually I was busy and not that interested ) He bluntly said, "I hate that you're quiet." Well, get over it and find someone else then. That's basically what I had to tell him...in a less rude way. The guy was just so demanding. He'd tell me to stay online to prove I wanted to talk to him. Even when I really needed to go he would accuse me of lying. I can't even imagine what he might have been like in person...

 

Some other guys have been just plain weird. They tell me some odd sexual fantasies they have and how they're looking for a girl to fulfill them. Don't know why they're talking to me then, lol.

 

I'm becoming friends with some that are great to talk to, but they don't really mention real plans to meet. Probably because they tend to be sooo far away, and they become pen pals. I'm beginning to think dating sites are great for this but not much else. (In my case anyway.)

 

Everyone else tends to bore me. Mostly the very local ones.

[Goldfish6888]

Hmmm, I think that it's a litle like a lottery - online dating. I would say for every 1000 you meet, there might be one that is a possible penpal or possible dating potential.

 

I haven't dated online now for over a year and a half and have given up it's ghost. I did meet a guy online who was local, he seemed sane (not professing undying love by email No 3, or soulmatedness and he held down a normal job!). I just knew him as his alias which was GG007 and he eventually told me his name - Godfrey Godfrey. Yup, his first name and last name were the same! Anyway, I wasn't going to hold his name against him! We decided to meet up - in a hotel - very public place - as I feel a woman should always do first dates in a public place for security reasons. Actually recently, there was an instance where a girl in London was murdered by her online date. So ladies, take heed here - be very careful!

 

Anyway, he was late! And he texted me it was going to be about half hour late! First red flag! So I'm there, and luckily some other guys chat to me and keep me company whilst my date is "attempting' to arrive. They buy me some cocktails and after almost an hour of waiting they try to persuade me to "stand him up". Finally, Godfrey arrives in the door, looking very different from him profile picture - let's just say.....his hair has suddenly disappeared and he has gained some serious pounds and aged almost overnight. But then physical attraction is only one quarter of the equation, so I give him the benefit of the doubt...

 

So, no apology for his tardiness was presented and he offers me a drink, but my "newly acquired" friends offer to buy him one instead! He accepts and all night - he takes drinks from them and they keep buying me drinks. Cheap night out for Godfrey! Second red flag! So then we decide to leave the hotel and go join my friends at a Karaoke bar. A panhandler is on the street and he curses at them...I mean I can't repeat what he said! Third red flag....no respect for a fellow citizen who is homeless! I mean who does that? Finally, when I met my friends, I sat as far away as possible from him. When we do decide to leave - does Godfrey walk me safely to a taxi - nope...he leaves me alone on a street and bids me his goodbyes! Deal breaker!

 

So in short, I think sometimes online profiles and emailing is fine - but you only truly get to "know" the real person when you meet them. A profile is the best case scenario and IF they appear TOO good to be true, my rule is then it's not true!!!

 

In the words of Shakespeare "All that glitters is not gold"!

[Batya33]

In part because I have good intuition, in part because part of my job is to read between the lines and in part because of the sheer volume of men I spoke to and met (probably spoke with over 300, met 100 in person), I was able to sense during a short phone conversation whether he would behave well in person (not whether we would click, just whether it would be a pleasant one hour coffee date).

 

Sometimes my intuition failed me. there was the guy who flaked on me, then emailed me again months later, gave him one more chance after a charming conversation, he flaked again. There were several instances of asking me out for a second date and then never following through or cancelling without rescheduling shortly after.

 

Goldfish - great advice about meeting in a public place.

[Holly_G]

Hi there,

 

Two great people I know have met their partners online and wow, what a perfect couple they make, they are very happy. However...

 

I've gone on three online dates, one said he was in property management and painted himself as a business man. He had a sweet look elegant look to himself and I thought meeting him for coffee in a busy place would be ok. When I showed up he was wearing socks and sandals, had body odor and I found out he was a landlord in a rental building.... stayed for the coffee and never corresponded with him again.

 

Second date was totally the opposite, the guy knew what to say from his first email (took something from my profile and used it). We met after a few emails, we hit it off and felt we had known each other our entire lives. I felt a true connection to this guy, we had sex after 4 dates (I realize now this was a huge mistake) and then started to see and hear things that made me worry. He invited me to meet his parents, I thought this was quick, but thought it was good. Then I realize he kept saying things like, we can go away in your fathers jet... my dad does not own a jet and don't know where he got this, maybe I looked upper class in my pic (He is a construction worker)... When I was in the shower he snooped around my apartment, I found my calendar off place, he asked me who a person was from whom I had a letter in a box on my desk. My gut was saying... be careful, this is odd. Then I remembered that he had written something on his first email to me and he later said about his first email... "incredible what you can find online!" Also everytime I was with him at the table he would get up to go to the washroom. In a couple of occasions after this he would be acting a bit different, strange, hard to describe. I kept wondering if he had taken something in the washroom.

 

At that time my gut instict told me to walk away and I did. Broke it off by saying we were too different. Then panicked at loosing him and called him back two days later. I saw him one more time and he was not very nice to me, he was cold and indifferent. He then told me he did not want to be romantically involved, and it coincided with the week where a deal off his fell through and for which he had asked me to help him find sponsors... odd. I feel he contacted me hoping that I would have money to give him, and when this did not happen, he shut it off. I should have followed my gut instict. I ended being hurt and disappointed.

 

I went on a third date and decided to take my profile off line.

 

I went back on a couple of weeks ago and found another profile where the guy looks just like the guy that I had the experience with. Funny enough everything in it seems to take details of the month we spent together. His picture looks just like him. But some details are different, like his salary, his profession and his height (says he is tall). Picture is taken from down below... everyone looks taller when pic taken from below.... I think he is a con artist and now I am greatful it is over.

 

Be careful out there, there are lots of scammers. There is a great book out there called "Without Conscience" by Hare. It will help you find out spot psychopaths a mile away.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

I too met a few "scammers" - but since I always took things very slowly in the intimacy department and took things at a reasonable pace as far as scheduling dates, I never got too attached early on and could walk away easily. I also was very lucky to have a network of single girlfriends to check in with - often we knew or at least had been in contact with some of the same guys and were able to save each other from what could have been very unpleasant meetings.

 

One funny story - I was contacted by a guy "M" and we planned to meet. I spoke to a girlfriend who told me a horror story about what happened when she met M. Meanwhile, in subsequent conversations, M started acting weird and rude as well. Then, he cancelled our meeting last minute in a rude way. I wrote back that it was probably a good idea since I had heard how he mistreated a friend of mine. (probably not a good idea on my part - I don't advise someone else doing this!).He wrote back "you spoke to "C"??" LOL - it wasn't C - apparently this had happened to him more than once. Good riddance.

[NotReady]

OK maybe you guys can help me with this one. I met a guy on an online dating site. He flaked out on me a few times. I eventually pushed to meet after talking a few times and he was everything he described himself on the site and his interest seemed to pick up after we met as he returned my calls immediately after. I went on a trip and after about 3 weeks I resumed communication to let him know I was on my way back. Then I got a voicemail message on my phone on the day I came back to town saying if he had known in advance I was arriving that day he would have offered to pick me up.

 

Do you guys think he's interested or just being nice. It's because he's flaked on me a few times before we met that now I am a bit leary and cautious.

[Batya33]

I was in that situation a few times but in those cases where we did meet once, it ended there (either because we didn't click or because he flaked again). I would leave the ball in his court - did he contact you at all by email or phone in the three weeks you were away? How did you leave it after that first date - did he ask to see you again?

[annie24]

it's hard to tell. he might just be saying that because it is so easy for him to say that. (As opposed to him contacting you while you are on vacation and asking if you needed a pickup from the airport.) I agree with batya - leave the ball in his court, see what happens next.

[NotReady]

Batya33, after the first meeting, I was leaving the town the following day and he didn't mention meeting again at the end of the date. I just left him a message the next day thanking him for meeting up with me and he called me back to acknowledge my message and called again the day I left to say he was thinking about me and hope I have a good flight. During the three weeks I called him to say hi and he returned the call and of course the surprising message about picking me up when we've only seen each other once. It just seems like he waits to see my interest level and when I show interest that's when he ups the ante.

[tiredofvampires]

This one may seem way out of left field and kind of strange--but I have noticed that when people are pictured with their nieces and nephews, it gives me an 'odd' feeling.

 

It's like they are trying hard to sell themselves by using sweet innocent children as a props or a lure to show how great they are. It's my personal red flag.

 

Wow, that's different. When I put up my profile, one of my pictures was with my niece on my lap! Only because I love kids, and I love my niece, and part of putting up pictures is to show the things that you are involved in and love! Your take is understandable, but doesn't describe why I put that pic in.

[tiredofvampires]

I put up an exhaustive list of red flags in a thread some time ago, but in addition to the ones already mentioned (many of which were in my list as well, before):

 

-- lists of adjectives, i.e., "I am caring, sweet, loyal..." that reads like a laundry list. These words are meaningless, because a lot of people fancy themselves to be such things, and aren't. Lists are a cheap way out. And from my experience, a sign of limited optimism about the process (as jaded as you might be, if you do put yourself out there, don't just make your profile a CHORE to write or read!)

 

-- anyone who describes their looks as more than above average, e.g., "very attractive" or self-describing as handsome/beautiful. I can see your picture, I'll decide whether you are all that! A real sign of narcissism

 

-- bad, unclear pictures; a main shot should be a fairly clear close-up, with eyes looking straight at the camera -- I think this indicates a directness and straightforwardness

 

-- pictures especially the main photo with sunglasses; I CATEGORICALLY move on from these; eyes are windows to the soul and eye contact is very important; a lack of emotional availability is indicated in sunglasses photos

 

-- pictures which aren't smiling warmly, but rather look sullen, stern, cocky, even if features are good-looking

 

-- too many pictures; any more than 3-7 is too much, especially if there are multiple shots of the same scene!! Why are you so engrossed in yourself that I need to see multiple angles of you in this one picture?

 

-- sounds like they have done/can do just about anything; over-rating themselves and inflation

 

-- including physical stats in the essay portion; a sign of superficiality and vapidness

 

-- tons of exposed skin or half-bare bodies; this is a sexual ploy, so it's a cheap attention-grabber appealing to the lowest common denominator -- absolutely no muscle show-off shots!!!!

(I'm tellin' ya, gals, this is an invitation to players, posers and crude men)

 

-- an essay that is only about activities, not about one's personality, values and beliefs about life

 

-- anyone who says "If you are xyz, then don't bother replying, keep moving on"; this is just plain rude-speak, in the guise of directness. Ok, will do!

 

-- too many cutesie things, smiley faces; is this person serious or just toying around?

 

-- as another poster said, an imbalance of talking about self/what they are looking for where either one is too dominant or non-existent

 

-- long lists of things they want in a partner, for obvious reasons

 

-- no answer, "I'll tell you later" or blank on drinking habits; you don't need an addict

 

-- and finally: this one is highly personal, and just my own pet peeve, but I do not contact people whose screenames are corny, cheesy, or unimaginative -- this is not because they are bad people, but because this says that their personality will be likewise. I can almost guarantee that someone with the name, "niceguy" is gonna be pretty bland, even if he's a nice guy. This is a dull date waiting to happen. This is how precious time is lost, sorry to say.

 

One last thing which is totally obscure and I have only seen twice is a guy who has an extreme close-up of his eyes. The man I got involved with for over a year in a serious relationship, now a heartbreak for me put this up. When I first saw it, I thought, "Hmm, this could mean one of two things. One, he agrees with me that the eyes are the windows to the soul and also he has a more intense introspective nature, which would match me. He is a little 'different' which is nice, a bit creative. OR, it could mean he is very self-absorbed and wants to create a hypnotic effect. This could either be a good thing or a bad thing."

 

The latter ended up being a summary of his personality to a t. I will never again fall for a profile if someone has an extreme close-up of their eyes. This is so uncommon, yet I saw it once more on another site (after we broke up) and I just cringed.

[annie24]

Wow, that's different. When I put up my profile, one of my pictures was with my niece on my lap! Only because I love kids, and I love my niece, and part of putting up pictures is to show the things that you are involved in and love! Your take is understandable, but doesn't describe why I put that pic in.

 

the "odd" feeling I get mostly applies to males in this case. then again, I don't search female personals.

[flipmo]

the "odd" feeling I get mostly applies to males in this case. then again, I don't search female personals.

 

I completely agree with regards to men having pictures up with children, especially little nieces - a couple of those contacted me and at first I thought it was really sweet. But the more I looked at the picture the more it just felt almost too "try-hard", because they weren't even particularly fabulous pictures -

the focus is on the child, not the man and often you could barely see them. I just found it a little contrived if you know what I mean.

[sylvonus]

yeah, on the pictures with the children and all you do have to watch out for that. i would never think of filling my profile up with pictures of kids and all, it's a profile about you, not the people you hang around with. if you love kids you mention it maybe once in the profile, don't go all out. seems like they want to be someone differnet to me.

[tiredofvampires]

I can see where you guys are coming from, but I guess I figure that pictures are meant to show what and who someone values, including family. A guy who is with children may be trying to put out the signal that he likes kids and is good with them, but what's so bad about that? He probably loves them as they are a part of his life in some way, and family is important. I see it as kind of sweet. I would see it as a plus in a well-rounded choice of pics that include other significant people and shots -- like what's the difference between that and with a buddy, or a favorite pet (not that kids are pets, but it's about "me and who I love"), with their mom, anything that matters to them. I don't think a kid is an object when they love them and are proud to be a part of their life. If the profile had more than ONE, that would be a bit weird, then and would make me uncomfortable, but I haven't seen that.

[flipmo]

The difference for me is when they are either only pictured with the kids or when this is their profile picture rather than others of themselves where you can actually see what they look like. Then for me it becomes kind of like this is the picture of themselves they want to represent. As though they automatically become sensitive or eligible simply because they like children. For me, and this may sound sexist, it's quite normal for women to have these kind of pictures mainly because as far as I'm aware, men don't seek women who are good with children. I may be wrong about that. For me it just seems as though they expect women to take it for granted that a man who is good with children will be a nice guy and in my experience this is not the case at all.

[sylvonus]

yeah, if they had more then one picture of them with kids or something it may be a lil weird. if i did have pictures of people who i loved it wouldnt be all out, and if it was activities it would just be like one or something of each activity. its really on how many pictures they have of this and what they are trying to get you to focus on. like flipmo said, a lot of women seem to want to find a guy whos nice with kids. i have talked to a lot of people, and overheard conversations. guys do try to scam girls into thinking they're something they arent. you kinda have to be able to tell wheter or not he really just likes kids (or whatever the picture is of), of if he's (maybe she in some cases), is just trying to be better then they actually are.

[Batya33]

Batya33, after the first meeting, I was leaving the town the following day and he didn't mention meeting again at the end of the date. I just left him a message the next day thanking him for meeting up with me and he called me back to acknowledge my message and called again the day I left to say he was thinking about me and hope I have a good flight. During the three weeks I called him to say hi and he returned the call and of course the surprising message about picking me up when we've only seen each other once. It just seems like he waits to see my interest level and when I show interest that's when he ups the ante.

 

In my opinion he is not waiting to see your interest level, he is not "that" interested at this point and thereforeeee won't initiate the effort. I would stop initiating calls to him and leave the ball in his court entirely.