depression and lack of feelings

[Cindersam]

I'm not sure if this is the best thread to post this on but I've been wondering if anyone else has ever had depression cloud their feelings for someone. Possibly a depression that you've had for quite a while leading you to lose feelings for someone or to think that you've lost feelings for them even though they may just be hidden behind the depression. If so, did your feelings return when your derpression lifted?

[Benson]

Yep, it can do that definitely. Not just feelings about another person. It can lead to carelessness, taking unneccesary risks, losing interest in what you love doing most. It doesnt only cloud your perspective, it can change it completely. Ive been there.

[Knightm29]

I'm not sure if this is the best thread to post this on but I've been wondering if anyone else has ever had depression cloud their feelings for someone. Possibly a depression that you've had for quite a while leading you to lose feelings for someone or to think that you've lost feelings for them even though they may just be hidden behind the depression. If so, did your feelings return when your derpression lifted?

 

Hi Cindersam

 

Yes it is exactly what happened to me. 3 years into my 4 year relationship, I started a really stressful job, had financial issues, went through 2 miscarriages and then my ex was on and off anti-depressents. Suddenly i started losing motivation to do anything, to the house, sex life went down the drain, and I was a very miserable person. Just was not interested in doing anything. I could not work out why I was unhappy, even moved house closer to the city to see if that helped but no, still unhappy.

 

Anyway, I thought the reason I was unhappy was due to the relationship and we parted ways which I really started the process.

 

I got worse when i moved into my new flat and decided to see the doc. He diagnosed me clinically depressed and had been for a long timeand I am now on medication. Now I am seeing things alot more clearly and unfortunately I now know the reason was not the relationship but my own illness. It is too late to reconcile with my ex, as much as that hurts, but she has moved on and I do not want to spoil that.

 

Its a big shame and I just wish with all my heart I seeked advice alot earlier.

 

good luck

[Cindersam]

Thank you Benson and Knight. I think that may be what happened with my ex. We got along great so I had a really difficult time unerstanding why he "fell out of love" after 6 years. I know he was depressed due to his job and problems with his kids and ex wife. We broke up 7 months ago. I saw him for the first time a few weeks ago and he is still having problems in those areas. He made a comment that my life was going well but his isn't. I really feel his depression was a major contributing factor since he said he didn't know why his feelings changed and wouldn't talk about it. There is no one else and still isn't so that wasn't the reason. I just feel a need to try and understand somehow. I wish I could have helped him somehow but I guess if he doesn't want to get help there is nothing anyone else can do. Thanks again for your input.

[Knightm29]

I tried my hardest to find the reason why I was unhappy but nothing worked and now I lost everything. Is he on medication? This is helping me greatly and I am starting to get myself up again. Although i have lost my ex which still really hurts I do find I can enjoy other parts of my life which I couldnt do before.

[Cindersam]

Knightm29,

 

I don't know if he is on medication now since I've only seen him once in 7 months but it didn't seem like it to me. I don't think he would have been so stressed if he was.

 

He wasn't on medication when I was with him. We talked about it a couple of times but he said he was afraid of the side effects, mainly the sexual ones, but now that I think about it his depression was probably causing as much of a probelm in that area as the medication would have. I think he might be hesitant to take medication because his mom was on medication when he was young and she commited suicide. He didn't say that was why he was hesitant but I'm sure it must have something to do with it. I know he was trying to take an herbal supplement for a while that was supposed to be a mood lifter but it didn't do much.

 

I know I shouldn't be thinking about all this since we are not together but I still care about him. Plus I really would like to try and understand what went wrong if at all possible just for my own peace of mind. I may never know for sure but this really makes sense to me.

[benga]

glad that you raised this. I am given to understand that depression certainly cloud's one's judgement, thinking and decision making..

[macgyver4ever]

I'm in the same boat. My ex became depressed after cheating on me, and starting taking unnecessary risks and stopped doing things she loved. She started drinking heavily, and cheated again. It's pretty obvious she was depressed and looking for any way to be happy.

 

Here is THE QUESTION: What do you do if this happens. My ex WOULD NOT see a doctor, and would not say she had a problem. It was my fault, or her parents fault, or her job. It couldn't be her? So what do you do? Her parents and I just "let her go." Let her make her own mistakes, and let her fall. She didn't want our help. At this point she is months into a relationship with the coworker she cheated on me with. She's spending money like it is out of style, drinking and moved out of her parents house.

 

What do you do when someone is the self destructive? I could not handle it in my life and let her go, and she refused my help.

[bythesea]

I wonder about the depression factor in relationships, too. In retrospect, I think some/many of the problems in our relationship could have stemmed from his depression. It's an interesting story.

 

My ex was having stomach ailments, severe weight loss, and anxiety attacks and saw numerous doctors of various specialities. No doctor ever found the actual cause of his ailments (with the exception of anxiety). In January, one of his doctors put him on antidepressants because there was literally nothing wrong with him - at least physically. He went on Paxil and hated the side effects. He went on Lexapro and claimed to feel better. One of the side effects I noticed was that he became argumentative and angered more easily.

 

We broke up in April and in May he stopped taking Lexapro cold turkey. The withdrawals took him for an emotional roller coaster ride, but I think he's doing better now (haven't spoken with him in a while).

 

I don't know if he ever suffered from depression, but regardless the doc put him on antidepressants.What I DO know, is that since that time, my ex lost feelings for me, became very angry very easily, showed indifference toward me and our committment together, and ultimately took back my engagement ring. Our relationship, while not perfect, was the best either of us has ever had. Once upon a time, we were committed to a life together.

 

I hope the best for him, and whatever is ailing him will hopefully be resolved.

 

I'm not sure of the purpose of my post...if nothing else, perhaps it shows there are others in a simialr situation and going through the same thing.

[Portage]

I think many marriages end due to spousal depression. One of the reasons my marriage ended. When the depression was noted, well, it was too late in my case. it was a mix of things, however, depression stopped my ex from having the confidence and the determination to take a stand.

 

So yes, most definitely, depression can kill a relationship or be the icing on the cake in severing the ties

[Cindersam]

Mac,

 

I think you did the only thing you could. You tried to help her but she refused. What more could you do? I know how hard it is when you love someone to watch them do that to themselves but until she is willing to admit what the real probelm is there is nothing you can do. I hate to say it but some people have to hit rock bottom before they are willing to ask for help. At least you know you did everything you could to help her. Now it is up to her.

 

Bythesea,

 

I am so sorry to hear what happened with you. The way your ex treated you is very similar to how mine treated me although the bursts of anger were not usually aimed he me. He would just fly off the handle unexpectedly for what appeared to me no reason. Like I said it was not usually aimed at me but still a change in his personality. Did your ex give you any reason for the change in feelings? Mine didn't. I honestly don't think he knew. I am so sorry that your engagement ended.

 

I just re-read your post. Did your ex start acting this way AFTER he started taking the antidepressents? If so, maybe he was on the wrong one. If this is the case is there any way he might be willing to try a different one?

 

I wish I would have tried harder to convince my ex to seek help. He tried taking an herbal supplement to enhance his mood which didn't do much an he had his testosterone level checked to see if that was the reason for the tiredness and lack of interest. At the time I didn't want to pressure him but now I wish I would have encouraged him more strongly to seek help. WHen he broke up with me I thought that maybe I was the reason for his derpession but when I saw him a month ago (six months after the break up) he still seemed depressed. He treid to fake it but I could see through it. He even made a comment that my life was going good and his wasn't. I still care about him deeply and wish I was in the position to try and help him but I guess that's not my place now.

[benga]

I don't think those that are depressed know they are depressed and that they are behaving in a very strange manner. Also a natural tendency is to pass blame (all of it) to the other partner.

 

Its difficult to control the reaction of others. However, each individual has it in them to change their partner by making changes in themselves. How you react and control your own emotions in tense relationship situations can truly have a postive impact on the outcomes. Unfortunately, we realize this too late!!!

 

Depression clouds your mind and impacts your sense of judgement. Somebody the person trusts (deeply and not you) should try speaking.. Albeit success is not gauranteed....

 

Be strong!!

Benga

[Cindersam]

If someone has been depressed for an extended period of time (over a year possibly close to 2 years) is it possible for them to come out of it on their own with out medication?

 

Anyone out there who has been severly depressed before getting help - did you decide to do it on your own or did someone else have to convince you to get help? If you had to be convinced what finally did it for you?

[Knightm29]

Well I was depressed for over a year without realising. There are so many other factors you can blame for being unhappy without realising its the chemical imbalance.

 

I am sure maybe people can get themselves out depression without medication but I think this can be a much longer period, but therapy can helpo shorten that.

 

As I said in an earlier post, I started taking medication about 2 months ago and it has really helped me deal with the break up and also is gradually turning me into the person I once was although it is taking a while

[Cindersam]

So did you finally get to a point where you decided you needed help or did someone convince you to get help?

[Knightm29]

So did you finally get to a point where you decided you needed help or did someone convince you to get help?

 

I think once i moved in on my own after I left my ex and the house, I did a lot of thinking and realised I had lost myself completely. I compared myself to when I first met her and before that. I was a happy, easy going and enjoyed life. That person was not there anymore and had not been there for a long time. I knew something was up. I had a fantastic girlfriend, great house, well paid job and was trying a 3rd time to start a family? how can a man not be happy! So i thought a visit to the doctor was in order and that was when i was diagnosed with depression. It all made sense then.

 

To be honest, I could of carried on being like I was if the break up had not occurred but when it did happen it gave me a lot of time to reflect.

 

Anti-depressents do not solve the problem, but helps a huge amount to face them and handle them.

[Cindersam]

Thanks for sharing Knightm29. It helps me see possibilities more clearly. I hope you continue to feel better.

[Knightm29]

Thanks for sharing Knightm29. It helps me see possibilities more clearly. I hope you continue to feel better.

 

No Problem, its one hell of a rollercoaster ride of emotions, but hopefully will be fully better sometime soon.

[Cindersam]

Knightm29 or anyone else who has been through this,

 

Would you have listened to you ex if she would have tried to get you to get help? I know it's not my place but I still care about him and am concerned. He has no real close friends so I'm not sure who would encourage him to get help. Or was it something you needed to figure out on your own?

[Knightm29]

Knightm29 or anyone else who has been through this,

 

Would you have listened to you ex if she would have tried to get you to get help? I know it's not my place but I still care about him and am concerned. He has no real close friends so I'm not sure who would encourage him to get help. Or was it something you needed to figure out on your own?

 

I would of least of gone to talk to a doctor to seek advice.

 

I think the problem with my relationship was that it was very one sided. I was doing everything for her and forgot about myself. We did the things she wanted, saw her family, bought the house she wanted, I even took a job that she wanted me to take. All very strange looking back at it. Its not suprising I didnt look at myself and realise at the time I had problems!

 

If she or even a friend had said something then maybe I would of sorted this sooner

[Rochelle]

I was reading this and thought i could add a thought or two...

 

Being someone that has severe depression myself, i wasn't diagnosed w/ this until years ago, but it took a breakdown before i got up the courage to get help. One of the things i blamed, becuase i couldn't understand what was happening to me, was the relationship i was in at that time. I kept telling myself that i should be happy; he's kind, caring, nurturing, good provider....so my guilt, anger and frustration and shame kept me from getting the help sooner. Plus, i was raised in a household where you don't admit any weaknesses (well this was considered a weakness, having depression or any kind of issue...my family was strong on the, "you have to fight it", keep your feelings inside type thing, so i was already way messed up before all of this happened, but it came to a head during this time).

 

It took me having a nervous breakdown (rock Bottom) before i finally got hospitalized for it. But ultimately, not understanding that this was a chemical and environmental (way i was raised to deal w/ emotions) issue, i blamed the relationship among other things for being the problem. We split and he was devistated....all i knew was that the girl that was w/ him wasn't the same girl coming out of this. I had to re-learn everything, think different, feel for the first time, not stuff it away....

 

I think that men are worse off in this way too, becuase unfortunately, they are taught more so then a woman to not having feelings or to show them. It's very hard to convince a man to get counseling, becuase they are hardwired to believe that this would be a sign of weakness and that something is wrong w/ them instead of just needing to get some of who they are back, or if they never knew who there were, then learn about themselves. This is the only way for them to be strong again, get their pride back, start being happy again and be able to give someone else a fullfilling relationship....

 

I just broke up w/ my bf 4 weeks ago and i think a MAJOR part of why he did it is because of depression clouding his judgement....when you can't figure out whats wrong w/ you, you start seeking and digging and usually it winds up being the person you are closest too that you push away. I've asked him to seek counseling and in the past he's admitted he really needs to go and to also try some anti-depressants as well...i hope while we are apart he will do this...i have urged him too on a few occasions, but ultimately i know, that although i can lead him to the water, he still needs to take that drink himself....i pray he does....he'll feel like a new person...

 

Good luck and all you can do, i think is suggest it calmly and not be too push w/ it...they have to decide for themselves....but i do believe sometimes they need to be gently reminded to get help...i've decided i can do this too, but since i'm also trying nc, i've done what i could...i've suggested until i'm blue...now all i can do is hope he takes it seriously.

[Cindersam]

Rochelle,

 

Thank you for your input. It really is helpful to hear from someone who has been through it.

 

do you think it would be o.k. for me to suggest that he get help? We broke up 7 months ago. We have only had a few short conversations. I saw him about a month ago and we talked for over an hour although it was mainly me doing the talking about what I thought went wrong. I was not thinking about his depression being a cause of our breakup at the time so I did not say anything then. Although he tried to hide it he still seemed depressed to me especially when he stated that my life was going good and his wasn't. He tried to laugh and joke but that comment said it all.

 

All along he has not wanted to talk about why he no longer has those "in love" feelings (which is the reason he broke up with me). I think it is because he does not know why. Does that make sense? If you are depressed you just know that you don't feel things like you should but I would think that it would also be possible to not know why.

 

 

Would I be totally out of line to suggest that he get help (in a nice caring way of course)? Or would that be totally out of line from someone he broke up with 7 months ago?

 

I know I am not supposed to care about him anymore but I do.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be very much apprecaited.

 

Thanks!

[Cindersam]

Knight,

 

Thanks again for your response. It really helps to hear from people who have been through this.

 

One more question. Do you think you would have taken her suggestion to get help seriously if she had suggested it after you broke up or would you have just thought it was her reaction to the breakup?

 

I know my ex was depressed while I was still with him and we talked about it a few times but not real seriously. It was more like he was asking for information about depression (my mom has problems with it) not like he was really asking about himself.

 

Thanks again for all your help. I REALLY apreciate it!

[swtsmr93]

As someone that is also diagnosed with severe depression the reality of the situation is likely that your ex is pretty aware of his need for counseling.

 

It is very kind of you to want to help. But before I sought treatment people telling me that they thought I needed some help did nothing but cause me to avoid those people. Not the best response given these were people that cared.

 

Hopefully, he will seek help on his own. It seems to be very much like that of someone with an addition--the help will not really help until someone is ready.

 

Take care of your kind heart.

[Cindersam]

swtsmr93,

 

Thanks for your advice. Since you have been diagnosed I am assuming you got help. What finally cause you to get help? Are you feeling better?