Why can't I forget?

[krogen]

Why can't I forget about suicide? Why can't my life be good for 2 days in a row? It seems that every time something good happens something bad has to happen the next day and just crush everything. And I think it's pointless to keep moving when that's been happening for so long. Bouncing on a rock bottom isn't a way to live.

 

I wish I could move out, forget about everything, and just start over. But that's not happening. I'm stuck where I'm at and I'll be stuck here for the next 4 years of my life or more. I don't have any other option. I don't want to live in the U.S. I just hate so many things about it. I wanna move back to where I lived. Yes, to that crap hole I lived in. It was fun. I didn't have to worry about anything. I was free. And happy.

 

Summer's coming. And it's going to make me more depressed. I'm gonna be working at some dead end job at jewel. I hate working there. I'm gonna be stuck in the U.S. because of some college crap that needs to be done. I hate to put college in front of everything. I feel that I should go back to Europe and take a break there. But I can't.

 

I don't have any friends. And the people I was friends with were just a bunch of materialistic aholes that didn't care at all what I thought about. I'm done with them. I had friends - in Europe. And the more I'm here the more things change there. Soon they'll all go their own ways and everything that I valued will basically be gone. I'll have nothing to go back to.

 

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my past. I hate my future. I hate where I'm at.

 

I really really don't see the point of living like this. I've been locked up in a psychiatric hospital in the past because I wanted to kill myself. I want to forget about it and move on. Change myself. Change things around me. Start all over again. Just live a normal life.

[glegend]

Ohh buddy, I know how you feel. I constantly feel that way. And when I think things are getting better, they are not. Something happens that ruins everything. I live in Canada, and I'm Greek. There are time where I feel that I just need to go somewhere far away. Either in the US or go to Greece (I would go to Greece but I waiting for the army to become volunteer cause now it 6 months mandatory). I really hate to tell you the truth. I only like the light of day for 2 reasons my girlfriend and my little sister. When I see them, I'm happy and free I dont care about nothing else. But like I said I feel that my only option is to move away somewhere where no1 knows me and I can start fresh. Anyways if you want to talk about it and exchange idea's and feelings please pm me.

[Marc780]

A lot of us know exactly what you mean. Me, for one. I have scars on my wrists to prove it. Been there.

Many people feel trapped every day. You are not in prison! Remember that. You seem to have a plan but cant make a go of it at the moment. So use all resources you can.

Get to a doctor, a free clinic if thats all you can afford. Get some counselling - and what i will tell you is, not all of them are any good. You may have to go to two or three "counsellors". Good ones are not easy to find.

Then the dr part, you may need anti depressants. They can be a life saver. Paxil CR is a good one, cymbalta is what i am on now. (Thanks to my "good!" therapist that took me a while to find.) They are no magic bullets but they can help you for days or months until you get your head together. Exercise helps too, but you've heard that 1000 times. (Thats what it took me to take it up.)

Find something you like to do. For me it is computer and reading. It doesn't matter what it is, find it and do it.

You are not the only one who's thought of the final exit. I am not gonna lie to you pal, i have thought of it so many times i am bored. Just remember, thats why its called final exit. Your life can change for the good overnight.

[Haven]

Right now you're acting like you don't have a choice -- when in fact, you do. I don't know why you feel like you're trapped in this situation, but you're not. Yes, choosing to leave this situation will have consequences. Maybe you'll anger some people; maybe you'll have to work in a low-paying job for several years. But it shouldn't matter so much that you're actually contemplating committing suicide instead of facing these consequences.

 

You could move back to Europe and find a college there. You could postpone college for a few years (many people do). College is not so important that you should be willing to die for it. Unless there are people standing by with guns, ready to shoot you if you enter Europe again, you have a choice. You will ALWAYS have a choice, until the moment you kill yourself. And that's the most ironic thing of all -- because right now, the only thing standing between you and Europe is YOU.

[Spugly Fuglet]

I'm stuck where I'm at and I'll be stuck here for the next 4 years of my life or more. I don't have any other option. I don't want to live in the U.S. I just hate so many things about it. I wanna move back to where I lived. Yes, to that crap hole I lived in. It was fun. I didn't have to worry about anything. I was free. And happy.

 

I hate to put college in front of everything. I feel that I should go back to Europe and take a break there. But I can't.

 

I'll have nothing to go back to.

 

I hate my life. I hate my past. I hate my future. I hate where I'm at.

 

I really really don't see the point of living like this. QUOTE]

 

And here in is the problem, your away from a safe place you made after the last time you got like this, your suport network, as you have been in Hospital befor this is no joke this is some thing you need to keep your self well.

 

There are 3 root here,

 

1: Stay as you are:

Well thats a no go as your feeling bad now unless some thing changes then your going to stay feeling that way.

2: Move home to your suport net work:

Well a lot of your post is down to losing childhud and taking on the responcabiulty of Adulthod, for most I would say dont go home, but your not most, you have had bad spells befor and this really needs to be considered, its better you go home than lose your life, Dead men dont feel shame but then they dont feel any thing at all, so its much better your alive and talking to your family about this, I year out may be a good roots to take, but at least tuch base with you Suportnetwork back home and sound them out.

3 a new Suportnetwork in the USA, its will be hard but there is a lot of help around in the USA and at collage, go see a doc or a counceler there, selfhelp groups and X-Pat Groups from your home * * * *ry may helps as well.

If you get started now, even if you take time out to go home there will be so thing waiting for you whan and if you come back.

 

This is about getting back to feeling well, What you have is an Illness, I know I get it, so see it as one. Wonting to end your life is a Simtom of that illness, just as a rash or spots are for others. Dont act on the idear, understand its not part of you its part of your illness.

 

I would go talk to your family and your collage counselr asap, get some of this out in the open and give your sefl time to think.

 

All the best Spugs

[glegend]

But you guys need to see this from his point of view. Which is hard for anyone to do, unless you've gone or going through the same situation. I'm going through exactly the same thing (a few things are different though), and to go to a counsellor its not easy, cause they dont help Ive tried and its gotten me no where

[krogen]

Going to a counselor might help but it's definitely not a solution for someone who feels suicidal. If I'd share my feelings the counselor would have to notify the authorities about my plans and ultimately I'd end up back in the psychiatric hospital (I have no idea how it is in Canada...). To be honest... I don't really care if I go back there. But I can't go back there for my parents. I don't want to hurt them again. If I'd go back there I'm sure my mom would just break apart. I don't want her to end up in the hospital with me. And then there are the bills. They'll have to pay couple thousand dollars for everything that happened. I'd like to pay it off but my checks wouldn't even cover a fraction of what it's going to be.

 

I'm just tired of living. I don't want to go on with all of this crap on my back. It has been hanging there for too long.

 

But I can't even do it. I lack the strength. I'm way too lazy to do anything. And if I would actually do it, my parents would be jailed up for what happened. I was supposed to be in an outpatient program but my dad signed a discharge form (like... um... I couldn't sign it?). I'm sure there would be a lot of problems with that... And they would be depressed for quite a long time if I actually did it.

 

I wish I could just leave. Buy a ticket to Mexico city, burn all my documents there and just end my life that way. No one would know what happened to me... If I was dead or what. No one would know. No one would care.

 

Or just start over. But that's not possible either. I'll always carry the past with me.

[glegend]

Here in Canada they would send you down to 1001 Queen Street which is the Mental Institution and Physiciatric Ward.

 

His situation is a hard one to actually help out. There have been countless times where I have even thought about suicide and have been talking about just jumping out of my physics classroom windows (which is on the 3rd floor of the school). I just never put my plans into action. I still get those thoughts but I could never go through with them cause I want to live my life. In the end it just breaks down to this.

 

-You can't talk to anyone about it.

-You feel you don't belong, and that you need to get away

-You get these thoughts (some suicide some slit theire wrists running away) and they stay in your mind for soo long

-You just dont care about anything

-You loose all your concentration on everything and stop trying

-You feel like no matter how much you try your never getting anywhere

-You feel that once you take a few steps forward you get pushed double the steps back