Dumped by GF of 2 years, now she's on to a new guy

[Subpower]

So I've been reading this forum for about a month now, its helped a lot. Now I just want to get everything for my chest.

 

So I was going out with this girl for two years and almost everything was going great (very much in love and ready to spend the rest of my life with her), we were even in the process of moving in together. The only problem was that the sex had taken a bit of a dip. She kept telling me that it was alright and she just wasn't feeling very sexual right now and that would rebound and everything would be back to normal.

 

So I go away for the weekend and when I come back I get told that she's not happy with the relationship and our sex and while she's still in love with me, she needs a little space. She wants to still date me but at the same time be able to date other people. She said she met a new friend when I was away and it just made her realize that she just wasn't ready to be so tied down right now. But I have nothing to worry about, he's just a friend she has a strong bond with.

 

So because of this we brake up but keep in touch (i know wrong move) We hang out from time to time. I still had hopes about getting back together. I missed her so much and just wanted to be around her. I couldn't stop thinking about her and loving her and holding a candle for her. I kept on relying on mixed messages and what I wanted to hear as a reason to stick around.

 

Well I come to find out (I won't bore you with how, but it wasn't totally on the up and up) that she is falling for this new guy who I'm not supposed to worry about. They've been having great sex since we broke up and are becoming very serious, yada, yada, yada.

 

Anyway I couldn't be more pissed off right now. I can't believe that someone who said they loved me would do something like this to me. As of tonight, I don't want to deal with her anymore. No more contact for her. She says she wants to stay friends and that I mean a great deal to her but I done being her back up and dealing with her bs.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. Any advise would be great. While my mind is made up that I never want to see her again I'm still a wreck and my confidence is totally shot. I'm quite a mess and don't really know what to do now.

[friscodj]

Welcome to ENA Subpower, great to have you join us...

 

Oh yeah, you have every right to be upset. She breaks up with you, starts dating someone else, and wants you to be in her life? Pathetic...

 

And this anger generated by this situation is actually useful. I bet you won't have doubts about contacting her or torturing yourself in the limbo of "what ifs". This set you free, no ambiguity here, and that's a good thing. At least you know where you're going, that's a step ahead of a lot of people around here...

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's sad that rather than investing energy into spicing up her sex life with you, she chose to get another partner instead. I think that with any relationship you will run into a time when the sex is not so 'new' and exciting anymore... the real work is keeping things interesting once you get comfortable in a relationship, that extra effort that makes you want to come back for more time and time again. True intimacy is hard to come by and precious when you do.

 

I suspect that with time her new relationship will dull and she will realize that a great thing she let go.

 

But by then, you will be long moved on.

 

Hang in there, friend.

[jmantra]

She says she wants 'space' huh? Well I say give her her 'space' and tell her to get out of your life and never speak to you again. I know it's easier said then done but it's worth it, man believe me.

[Northalius]

Uhg. I felt really bad just reading that. It must be hard... I could only imagine. I did just that, and it hurt me.

 

In my opinion, your confidence shouldn't be down, since she stayed with you for two whole years; you can't be a bad person, emotionally or physically, with that fact!

 

The issue is hers, not yours!

 

Good luck.

[bar35]

You are absolutely correct to be angry and to get her out of your life. I went through a very similar situation. It hurts very badly to have a person pull something like this with you.

People have made some good points to you original post saying that you must be a good person because you were able to maintain a relationship for 2 years, and that is a good point. Try not to allow your confidence to get too badly bruised, its not your fault that she did this. Some people have what seems like a built in timer for how long they can be involved with another person. I am not a big fan of people who replace one relationship with another person back to back like that.

You made an excellent decision not to be her back burner option. That should boost your self respect and confidence. As time passes your sense of resolve will continue to harden and you will move on. I am willing to speculate that this behavior of hers will be, if not a life long pattern, at least one that will continue for the next 5-10 years. Was she in a relationship when you two first met?

[Subpower]

Uhg. I felt really bad just reading that. It must be hard... I could only imagine. I did just that, and it hurt me.

 

In my opinion, your confidence shouldn't be down, since she stayed with you for two whole years; you can't be a bad person, emotionally or physically, with that fact!

 

The issue is hers, not yours!

 

Good luck.

 

I know my confidence shouldn't be down and that these issues are hers and not mine, but I just can't shake the feeling and my stomach wont stop turning. In the beginning the sex was great but then when things started to go downhill, I started overcompensating and probably made things worse. I always asked her what I could do to better please her but she would just tell me that "its something you have to figure out on my own, its not natural it if I have to tell you".

 

Anyway, she's always been a "shinny new toy" person. She gets bored, she meets someone new and exciting, and she jumps ship (infact that was exactly how we met). It has happened with everyone of her boyfriends. I was stupid to think that she would be different with me, but she even said it herself that I was different and "the one she could spend the rest of her life with"

 

I'm worried about what comes next, I'm worried about bumping into her (we live really close) especially with him, I'm worried that I still love her and I'll be to weak if she tries to contact me, I'm worried I wont be good enough for the next one and the same thing will happen again. Arrgh!! I'm just a basket of worries

[Subpower]

Was she in a relationship when you two first met?

 

Yep, same exact senario. Almost creepy how similar it is.

[bar35]

good to know and be aware of. then you can rest assured that this is going to be the way that she operates.

 

look, i am emerging from a similar sort of relationship. my ex told me all of the "i love you, want to have your kids blah blah blah" she probably even meant it at the time, much the way that your ex meant what she was saying at the time. But the thing of it is that people like them are not having unique relationships, they are not building something new, they are just trying to numb whatever it is that they need to numb.

 

as for her telling you that "you should just know" well thats a load of crap, but you do know now. What she needed was to get dumped, but that was not what you wanted to do, and that is not healthy nor even vaguely reasonable.

 

It'll be ok if you bump into her.You'll probably feel really angry. Thats fine. Then you can come back here and write it out. Its a long road but in the end you really really REALLY are better off without this one. OH MAN you are so much better off. Great sex is addictive. You will go through withdrawl, thinking about her and how hot she is and all that stuff, but you will wind up in a relationship with some one who is better suited emotionally. Just keep your eyes open for the same signs, don't get into relationships with women who are in relationships already, they are bad news.

[tomtommyboy]

Well I was the same for what it's worth - my ex cheated on her ex with me then jumped ship to me. 18 months later pretty much the same thing happens except I'm the one being dumped (altho I'm pretty sure there wasn't an actual overlap; actually that doesn't make a huge amount of difference, what hurts is she made the decision to leave me cos the new guy was supposedly better). Anyway I think you're right, this is going to be a pattern and until these women work on the desire to constantly leap onto the next exciting thing, they're not a realistic long term prospect anyway. The problem is with them, not us, I truly believe that. In all our cases we sustained long term relationships with them, gave of ourselves, loved them, etc.; that wasn't good enough for them, not cos there's anything wrong with us but because they're not grown up enough to see a relationship as anything more than a way of adding excitement to their own lives. Committment? Being there for the other person through thick and thin? Forget it. I've got friends who are far more "committed" to me in that sense.

[ryan250]

Anyway, she's always been a "shinny new toy" person. She gets bored, she meets someone new and exciting, and she jumps ship (infact that was exactly how we met). It has happened with everyone of her boyfriends. I was stupid to think that she would be different with me, but she even said it herself that I was different and "the one she could spend the rest of her life with"

 

You and I should go bowling.

[Subpower]

Thanks everybody for your help so far, I have a quick question.

 

So I'm gonna go by her place and finally pick up the rest of my stuff and drop off her things as well. Should I leave a note, stating how much she hurt me and to ask her not call or text me anymore? Or is leaving all her stuff in a pile on the living-room floor and returning her keys a big enough message?

[Clabs]

Hey Sub!

 

I am sorry about how this all panned out for you - I really am. I really wouldn't give her the satisfaction of leaving her a note. Now actually writing the note is another matter as you might well find that quite theraputic - but don't send it!

 

Yeah - just leave her stuff in a bin bag!

 

You need to work on you now - you are the one who is important - not her. Try not to waste any more time and energy thinking and worrying about her - redirect it elsewhere.

 

Look after yourself

 

Mark

[Hope75]

Thanks everybody for your help so far, I have a quick question.

 

So I'm gonna go by her place and finally pick up the rest of my stuff and drop off her things as well. Should I leave a note, stating how much she hurt me and to ask her not call or text me anymore? Or is leaving all her stuff in a pile on the living-room floor and returning her keys a big enough message?

 

I think her stuff in a pile will be a much more powerful message than any note you would leave her. Is she worth a note?

[timlondon]

So I'm gonna go by her place and finally pick up the rest of my stuff and drop off her things as well. Should I leave a note, stating how much she hurt me and to ask her not call or text me anymore? Or is leaving all her stuff in a pile on the living-room floor and returning her keys a big enough message?

 

Heh. Sorry to make light of this but reminds me of when I went through the exact same thing last year - girlfriend of 9 yrs broke up unexpectedly, and more or less immediately started going out with another guy... painful

 

Anyway I continued living in what had been our shared flat, and loads of her stuff was in it, which I found pretty upsetting. I called her and told her in no uncertain terms to get all her belongings out.

 

Taking charge like that made me feel pretty empowered, and I was feeling pretty good when I went back to the flat the next day - and realised that more or less everything practical that we had had been bought by her parents, and she'd taken it with her. Duvet, bedsheets, cutlery, pots and pans - everything useful!

 

So I spent a couple of weeks basically camping in the flat, but it still felt great that I'd taken control at that point. I haven't looked back since!

[Clabs]

Hey Tim

 

"Taking charge like that made me feel pretty empowered, and I was feeling pretty good when I went back to the flat the next day - and realised that more or less everything practical that we had had been bought by her parents, and she'd taken it with her. Duvet, bedsheets, cutlery, pots and pans - everything useful!"

 

DOH!

 

That made me chuckle!

 

Take it easy.

 

Mark