Chalk

Still some prongs hanging out for me. Today I saw some pictures of our friends at a wedding. I'm reminded that it is mostly likely that you will go to there wedding. Maybe I will see photos of you there with someone else. There are no two ways about it, it would hurt. I cooked a roast dinner today for the first time in a year. It hurt because it was something I would always do for us. Now, I was doing it for my parents. I'm glad I was able to do that but it hurt because it reminded me of the past. I don't know what I would say to you if I saw you. How are the birds I guess.

I miss knowing someone really well. I miss being comfortable enough to chill. I miss our relationship and I miss you. But probably the old you! Or the image I had of you! I miss the parrots. Them I definitely miss.

I am proud of how I've picked myself up following our break up. Where I am now and where I was are miles apart. If you had told me that I would of gone back to work I'd have thought you crazy. But I did & I will get through my first year. I am bloody minded. I did not want to be missing our relationship a year on. I do not want to be querying, still, what is wrong with me and how our uni friends could marry whereas you didn't want that with me. I am lonely. I do miss you. I miss our life together still. I do miss Mango + Marvin. I still notice things that relate to you with fondness & love. Is that habit? I miss our silly little routines together. I miss how every night you would hold me while we went to sleep. It tears me apart to think that all those things I really appreciated about you & us weren't appreciated by you. I wanted to enjoy my time with you but you did not want that with me. Do you ever think of me? I know you 'only love me as a friend' now but am I cast out of your consciousness forever? You really did break my heart. I hate that you still make me cry. I hate that I want to hug you. I hate you.

Thank you for paying me the money you owed me. I don't know why it took a year. Maybe you were angry with me for that long. Sadly, I still miss you & love you a bit. Just didn't love the way you treated me. I suppose that really is goodbye :s

I miss you. I'm sorry, I really wish I didn't.

I love this poem and I have no idea how it went from being written about a cranky old WOMEN and written by a Scottish nurse to being written by an Austrailian geriatric patient! Studied it at GCSE

You are still really annoying and it almost makes me laugh. I am going through change at the moment (as are you). Please stop contacting me about the money you owe me. As I start my new job it hurts that I am not with my friends and coming home to a home not independent from my parents. I don't understand how you can leave it a year to pay me the money you owe me and then recontact me to pay it. You then dispute how much I say you owe and want to pay more?! Guilty conscious much? But I feel that I am being played with. I won't be confirming the amount you have decided to pay me. If you do pay it, it will be nice. If not then fine. To say I don't miss you would be wrong because I'm at a point of change and feeling vulnerable. But I see no evidence of you being anything other than a friend to me. I do not believe that we will get back together and to do so would be wrong. The scab is being picked at. When we are settled in our new jobs it will hurt less. They biggest steps are sometimes the most difficult to take. Do you think B would be better suited as a partner to me? I like him but it's hard to tell with distance. Eugh.

I wasn't as affected by your e-mail today as the one from last week. My ego was angry that you hadn't apologized or crawled back. You were short & to the point. It was beautiful because you understood finally that I do not want to hear how well you are doing. It was easier for me emotionally & I appreciate that. I was talking to my therapist about how I didn't understand why you had drawn out this money issue for so long. In my head it makes sense, if you owe money, to pay that money or state you are not going to pay it. I don't understand how you periodically forget you owe me money then contact me to ask me how much you owe me & tell me you'll pay it. I hate how my mind it trying to analyze it in respect to us because there is no us and never will be again. I'm just jealous of how it's been easier for you to move on. My therapist described you as a cat and me a mouse. I'm being kept around for entertainment and being played with when you are bored. I wonder if there is an element of truth to this. I know you are about to move home and change jobs. I know this is a stressful period. In finally offering to pay me money I wonder if you just want my support? BUT I know nothing about you. You could have thrown out all those gifts and keepsakes from our flat ages ago. Maybe you have just come into money. Maybe a new girlfriend has made you question your actions in dumping me and then not paying me any money you owe me! I said I didn't know if I had done the right thing being curt with you in my replies but others have felt that I have done well. That it will not help me to involve myself in further drama. Why did she describe you as a cat and me a mouse? Is that how it is? Do you really have that little respect for me?

I've been thinking of the end of our relationship a little bit more lately: it's been a year & you contacted me on Monday. I am still hurting from the end of our relationship but it is confusing as I don't want to get back together with you. Am I mourning my naivety? I put a lot into our relationship. I invested a lot emotionally. I believed that you loved me and we would marry. I am angry that I invested so many years of my early 20s being with you. I am angry that I have been left in my late 20s while all around me are marrying and settling down. I am so mad at you for your freedom and unticking biological clock!! How can I judge what a good relationship looks like. I just never thought I would be where I am now. This is life!! Haha, how maddening!!

Yes, YES you can pay me the money you've owed me for the past year. I've just had to make a payment myself so please do. No, I don't want the pets we got together because you are moving and don't want them anymore. Yes, I had a lovely Birthday. I'm glad things are going 'really well' for you and that you've not been through the massive upheaval I had to go through when you broke my heart. Because, deep down, I want you to be happy but I am jealous of how easy it has been for you. I'm angry at you for getting in touch. I want you to disappear. I don't want to think about you. My ego wants you to come back begging but I don't know how helpful that would be to either of us. I sometimes miss the comfort of being with you but THAT is all. I am angry that it will take time to form that level of comfort again with someone. Now f**k off back to obscurity like I know you will!!!

Eugh, it still hurts to see you on Facebook. It's shocking at blocking you when you are tagged in friends photos. You're not that attractive & have really lost your hair. Still. I'm really jealous that you get to keep P&L. I can't see myself being invited to their wedding. You are very much in their friendship group & area. I dislike myself for being so jealous but I really loved hanging out with them. Have I been replaced? I don't know but a self sabotaging part of my brain imagines I have been with a model of perfection. This is not true. I also found you hard to really relate to I guess & wouldn't want to return to our relationship. I just hate having an emotional reaction everytime I see you. I wish I could be indifferent. Hopefully one day I will be. I'm so glad we are no longer in touch. There's this guy who I've been speaking to and quite like but I'm unsure of how he sees me. I almost want to ask your advice as a friend. Part of me wants to never trust men again because you were meant to be different and love me but in the end you 'weren't sure'. What is being projected onto me that is never fulfilled because I am human? I dream of the birds. Them I really do miss. It's also hard to talk about incidents that happened because a large majority of the last few years has been spent with you. Discussing where I was at a certain point I am likely to have spent it with you. I am jealous of you and how much of an easy ride our break up has been. Although, I'm not doing too bad...I think you'd criticize me more than I would myself which speaks volumes. I miss the city & I miss my friends who will by fault of location end up your friends in the end

A year tomorrow I was waiting for you to contact me: it was my Birthday. You sent me a text saying 'Happy Birthday'. After 6 years that was all I was worth to you. I cried myself to sleep because I knew you didn't care and you just couldn't say it. I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want us to end. I came back up to our home on the weekend convincing myself that your lack of contact was a big mistake and that you'd be happy to see me. You'd take me out for dinner maybe. Again, how wrong I was. I was so sad waiting for you to come home. You couldn't have dinner you were out with your friends. I don't know why I'm re-living these things. I do still miss you in my dark moments where I miss the comfort of your arms. I don't want to hear from you tomorrow...not really. My ego wants to hear from you. My ego which wants to know it was loved, cared for and respected. I don't want a relationship with you. I couldn't put up with your in ability to compromise and your tendency to speak down to me. We didn't understand each other or share a sense of humour. I wish my ego was smaller and then it would be happy to hear from you but I guess it takes time. I would be surprised if did hear from you. You'll forget or remember & not care or remember & respect my wish not to hear from you. If you do text it will be patronizing 'I do hope you are well & have had a fruitful year' type of thing. I cannot believe I felt suicidal when you decided you wanted to end our relationship...well I can. It was a big loss, moved city and I had stress at work. What I'm trying to say is I'm glad I held on and that I don't feel that my life isn't worth living because you don't deem me to have that 'special factor' you need to marry someone (6 years really!). But we all change I guess. What is funny, is that I'm writing this to you here but I know you wouldn't really be interested in reading it.

Eugh, I'm feeling especially annoying for some reason. And angry, and controlling, and selfish!! Is this why you left me? I really wish we didn't have mutual people in common because then I wouldn't have to have any feelings towards you. I am jealous of your contact with people in our city! There is one who I really quite like. I mean, we get each other. You weren't really friends with him while I was in Dundee but I notice you are liking his posts with increasing frequency and it hurts. I would like to develop a relationship with him without being angry at you. I don't want to have to think of how I'm going to interact with you if I meet up with him. I don't want you in my life anymore.

My heart breaks over and over. It is the bored child, straw blowing Sound of an empty glass With too little juice to jacuzzi bubble. Each apparent blessing bursts Under it's own frustrated weight. Leaving only the harsh, repeated crackles Of heartbreak over and over.

You evidently still occupy some part of my brain. I dreamt of you & Christmas. It was a bleak Christmas tho. I wish I could erase you because the rejection still hurts

I had a thought today. I remember how, more often than not, you would do better than me in exams. How would you act? Embarrassed? Humble? No. You would show me and I would be proud of you but also a little jealous (we were in the same career after all). Then you'd laugh at me for being jealous. I always felt so wrong for being jealous of you. But I was proud of you and always told you so. Jealously is a natural reaction. It shows us what we want. I wish you hadn't laughed at me & belittled me. When I did better than you...you always had an excuse...I had better exam technique. I wanted you to be proud of me but you never were.

I feel like nothing will replace the S shaped hole that you left. Sure, I've done stuff I wouldn't have done if we hadn't of parted & maybe I'll have a richer life but there's still a hole x

I miss you, I really want to see you. Even though you are moving on without me and don't care about me. I miss you even though you don't love me and ever saw a future with me. I miss you. I miss you. You'll not let yourself miss me. It's tough.

Today I feel in pain. I miss you. When I went to stay with my friend earlier this we I was reminiscing about how we got together. I loved you & it really hurt that you fell out of love with me. I miss you. I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted me to be (whatever that was). I really miss you and it hurts. I sometimes don't know what hurts but it just does. X

Today I miss you. I miss how our courtship was so easy. I miss your directness in us getting together. I miss your general presence and I miss our life before it all went s**t. It would be so lovely to see you again but I know that you wouldn't want me. It is really hard to accept that I am just not enough. Before you, I thought that I was a catch: funny, smart, kind & pretty. Not in an arrogant way but a 'one day someone might notice' way. I feel like nothing. I don't feel special. I feel like a failure. This is how I'm letting myself feel. Because you, the person who I loved & wanted to spend the rest of my life with, doesn't feel enough love for me. I'm so alone and lost. I miss the times I felt okay.

Self pity post #119 (from me): Facebook hurts. Today I learnt my best friend from high school is pregnant, another is getting a poem published. It hurts. I'm not a failure. I'm going through a bad time. The little child inside of me says 'it's not fair', 'what is wrong with me?', 'why am I not special?', 'why am I left alone?', 'why did you not want to stay with me & give me a family?', 'what's wrong with me?', 'what's wrong with me?', 'I am as good as these people aren't I?' It makes me cry.

I want to come home. I'm so lonely here. I don't really feel like I can relate to any one. Back home I had you, our pets and our friends. I had a community. I feel so alone and separate from everyone. I just want to be with friends and have a good time but everyone I know is married with or without children. I really feel like curling up into a ball and hiding from the world. I feel dead inside. When my parents die there will be no point for me anymore. I'm sad you don't love me. But I can see why you wouldn't. I am useless.

I miss you and I miss our home. Sometimes everything feels so bleak. I am rebuilding but it feels like it just doesn't compare. It feels empty. I meet up with people who are my 'friends' and yet I feel no real connection to them. I loved you. You made me happy and I felt blessed to have our relationship. I feel so lonely. I miss you. I want you to hold me and call me all the pet names you used to call me. There is a small child inside of me who doesn't understand what she has done to become so unlovable.

Grief, grief, grief. I don't think about you that often during the day but I do dream about you every night. You are always there in my dreams. I do miss you but I know we can't go back because you don't have that 'special love' for me. We can't go back because you lacked empathy. We can't go back because you belittled my feelings & put me down. I am glad you were part of my life & I'm deeply sorry you're not in it because I love you. I miss the old you. I miss the you who was more accepting & less egotistical. Do you miss me? Do you sometimes wish you could see me & see how I am? Or did you really hate me so much? There was so much anger directed towards me latterly. Has that gone? How do you express it now? Or was it simply that I had trapped you & was the cause? I may never to know. I am moving on and it is getting better but it does still hurt. And I still miss you. And I still love you. I've had a nice day so I guess this is a bit of controlled grief. Feels good to cry x

I still miss you and am still grieving your loss. It hurts that you won't be in my life again. Against my better judgement I still love you. I don't know how I love you but I do. I miss you a lot. I'm still mourning.