Chalk

It is one of those days when I realize there is no hope for us I see you happier & fulfilled without me. I'm not sure I understand how relationships are meant to be anymore. I feel betrayed that you were with me for so long. I know you were inexperienced too but surely you had to realize that I wouldn't have left you? I know we were both responsible for our lack of communication: I should have had the confidence to leave you but I didn't. You should have ended it if you couldn't see a future. It really hurts to have a broken heart I know it's not black and white but I almost want it to be. If I'm unlovable I can live and adapt to that!! If you're a screw up I can definitely live with that. But it's not like that and it's so confusing. I feel that you will just see it as: it's not worked, sometimes that happens, move on. I just don't understand you at all. You are not like me, I need to grieve my losses. A lot of me finds joy in comfort & safety & I think part of this is why it hurts so much to loose you. I'm jealous of your attitude towards your freedom. I find love a very hard habit to break

I hate not knowing how you are and what your doing. My brain still thinks you're mine for some reason. I hate trying to trust my gut because my gut says we'll end up together and that just seems illogical and doesn't help with healing. Maybe these gut feelings are just hopes in the present situation. I used to think my inutition was pretty good but now I think critical appraisal has tonbe where it's at. Now you are just a dream, a memory and a part of my imagination and I need to realise that. Caring about you and appreciating you have been part of my daily life for years so it's really hard and really hurts to change those pathways in my brain. I wanted it to be you. I really miss you. It would help to know you missed me too. I really do feel haunted by you. I can see why people started to believe in ghosts.

The dreams I have about you are always really bizarre. I dreamt we were both bleeding, literally pouring with blood. I felt that we should get to a hospital because there was no stopping it. You just said it would be fine and that all we needed to do would be drink plenty of water. I was really worried and felt like I was worrying excessively...chillout you've only lost half you blood! Is this a sign to trust myself or do I just need to stay off the cheese?

Of course I had to write here didn't I? Because writing to you is a sort of thought process about our relationship. I have to say I am confused by you. Will you reply to my e-mail or not? I was very understanding and surely it would be nice to e-mail me back saying: I'm sorry, I just don't love you anymore. I will respect your wish not to keep in touch. Maybe I don't want to hear from you because it will only confuse me or knock me back. I had another dream last night. You confessed to me that you had mistaken me for your mother and also that you were going to explore your sexuality. It felt right, lol. I find myself asking who you actually are and maybe it's because you don't know yourself. Anyway, thanks for listening. You've suddenly become an excellent listener to me...lol! I still miss your ugly mug. I'm happy that it was part of my life. Maybe one day it will be more the later than the former x

Well, I'm back home now. Despite not seeing you I had a great time in Scotland. It was nice seeing Amy & I felt like myself again. I'm sad to be back as it reminds me of what I have lost & I'm not sure where things go from here. I still love you & miss you. I'm truly sorry we couldn't sort this out. I don't know if I can picture myself with anyone else. I love you & I wish I didn't.

I'm really hurting tonight & I don't know why...ok, I do it's grief. Being here reminds me of you and I feel really lonely & haunted. I crave your company & I miss you so much. To think that you are happy without me really hurts. To think that you might know I'm here but not contacting me hurts. To think that you might be with someone else hurts. I'm so confused as to what, in reality, went wrong because I thought that you loved me. I don't understand how my love could continue to grow & yours just didn't. If you were so unhappy why didn't you tell me rather than let it drag on for so long. You were the closest person I've ever been to in my life & to loose you really kills me. I'm so scared about the future without you. I just don't feel like I understand. I feel like I've observed others relationships & I felt that what we had was special. For me it was rare. But to you? Could you have a million times better than me? I know this is just the mood I'm in but it feels that everything I've ever believed about myself is true. I felt comfortable for a while but actually I am just not good enough I cannot wait for this to pass and pray that someday all this will mean something to me. PS: I'm considering going back to my training...it was such a love/hate relationship but I miss it. A couple of years complete madness and then I might change. I suppose I need to let go of the idea of a family. Just so if it doesn't happen it's not the end of the world. You're so lucky to say you don't want a family till your 30s. T'sk, who said women could have it all...the lucky ones do.

I saw your signature on a piece of paper at work and it really cut me up. I wanted to touch it. I miss you x

I had good day. I didn't bump into you I don't know how people who have to see their ex's do it: I'd want to punch you (not much power in these skinny arms). It's really nice being in Scotland again & I'm sad I don't live here any more. I've so many happy memories of being here and I'd rather they weren't tinged with sadness. I still get moments where I can't understand our break up. I don't get where you're going to find this perfect person who fits you all the time (am I wrong in thinking this?). I feel like I know you so well & maybe it will take the honeymoon phase for you commit to someone. That's not my idea of love. I just don't understand how I could still love you, because you have been a selfish egotistical bas***d. Okay, I see the egotistical beatch in me sometimes so I treat you like a person. I find it really hard to understand. The only thing I can relate it to is when I was in 6th form & quite a few very decent guys liked me. I rejected them because I was naive. I thought more about what my friends thought. I thought someone would perfectly fit me. But, as it turns out, life isn't like that and I regret not forming these relationships but I learnt. It's hard not to relate my personal world to yours. What really hurts is that I thought that deep inside you were kind and caring but you appear to have turned out to be ?more self occupied. I don't think I am the things you think I am and I hope you realize that the 'not right' is coming from you. I'm praying that there is someone better suited for me out there. But it does feel like a part of me has been ripped out. I just want to touch you. It's hard to be here because it feels like I've never been away.

I've had to come back to our city to sit a test and do some work experience (because sometimes it's who you know). It's really hard being here. Spending 6 1/2 years with you here how could it not be. I was walking throughout the town centre and it honestly seems like just yesterday we were shopping in town. I see that some of the shops and cafes have changed and it upsets me because I imagine you going into them with whoever you're hanging out with these days. I could picture you walking around town with Mona hand in hand, if that's what's happened. Could she be my replacement? Just popped I to my place? Does she fuss my parrots? Maybe the fantasy of you two together is real. Maybe it's not. I wanted to walk up to our flat but I had to remember I don't live there anymore. I had to remember that you don't want a relationship with me after 6 years. I just wish we'd been more experienced so we could have broken up earlier. I've spent a long time thinking my future lay with you, because I loved you, that it's hard to undo that. I'm not sure if I want to bump into you or not. I want to see you cause I love you and care for you but I don't think my ego could cope with finding out you're perfectly happy without me. So I don't want to see you. I really miss you. I wish this was easier but I love you so it can't be. I never thought I'd be in this situation: the one who was left after years...will she love again? I hope so. But it's really hurt me loving you. I really want to cry so I don't cry in public tonight but I can't. I just want to sit in our lounge with the parrots playing Mario kart. I want to settle down & watch a hitchcock movie with you. Why didn't you end it earlier if there was no future for us? I really miss you. I hate what's happened.

I get it you fell out of love with me. It just hurts that you did. Rejections hurts.

I still miss you and I still love you. I'm torn between wanting to remember you and wanting to forget you. You're so vivid in my memory and it makes me miss you. I just don't know what to make of all this. I thought I was so lucky to have you and that relationships like ours were special. To you they're ten a penny, to you you can get one when you want. I really have no true understanding of why it ended between us. I know you feel that there's a reason for it but I can't see it. I hate loving you. It's brought me a lot of grief. I would have walked away sooner if I hadn't have loved you and I'd be better off for it.

I'm still really hurting and I wish I wasn't. I just don't understand the concept that something so familiar can just go. I hate having flashbacks to our relationship. Sometimes I actually feel like I'm there with you. Then I realise everything has changed. It's just really painful. I miss you more than anything and it hurts to know you just don't want me. I have to back to our home city for a few days. I thought I would look forward to it but I'm not. I really don't want to go. It feels like only yesterday since we broke up and I don't know how I'll cope. I'm so hurt. It's times like these when I just feel like nothing. I just don't understand how you could stay with me for all those years and tell me you loved me but as soon as things looked serious run. I didn't expect it from you. I just don't understand how you could reject me. I really wish you hadn't been such a coward about things. I want to stop crying about this. I want to hate you but instead I just miss you

Sundays hurt the most: I can't distract myself all the time and Sundays seem like a natural low I'm feeling sad and remorseful. I find it hard to check myself and remind myself that I too am human. I'm so disappointed by what's happened. I don't even know what to write. I keep forgetting that you're not my bestfriend and you don't care. I don't feel like fighting it tonight. I just don't understand you. I miss you so much & I feel pathetic for it.

Christmas...bah humbug!

I have to say I'm truly confused as to who you are! And I don't have any gut as to whether you'll come back or not. It must be not because you have said that you feel that we grew apart for 'a reason'. Am I going to meet someone much better? Is that the reason? Did you dream that we would produce the next Hitler? I feel that the real reason must he that you have met someone else. You said that we had a long and happy relationship & I can't believe you'd walk away unless there was someone else. It really hurts because I like to think that I am pretty good at interpreting behaviour but I'm confused by yours. This makes me doubt me and it makes me feel scared and betrayed: I believed you loved me. I childishly believed that you would love me in the same way I loved you. I never in a million years believed honestly you would end what we had and it still feels like a nightmare. I just don't know how I can realistically trust again. I'm trying to grow from this but a part of me catches because I don't know who you were. I think you were a lie. I still dream about you. And I dream about your messed up family. I hope you stop running one day. I love you & I don't know why. I wish I didn't xx

My ego doesn't want me to love you! It's an interesting contrast because on one hand you, the closest friend I've ever had, have rejected me. Boy, does that hurt a tiny bit. On the other hand, I remember things about you and I love them. Me, I'm all about love of the little things & the familiar. So it's really hard to loose you. I want to hug you. Not being in contact with you is hard because I don't know if you're in your cave or falling in love with someone who is better for you than me. I hate mourning. I hate loosing you. I'm not destroying myself over you but I miss your ugly face.

I think I'm happy with how I've dealt with the end of our relationship. I've maintained my dignity & I can take strength from that. Will you ever reply to me? I don't know. It doesn't have an affect on my will to grow from this. I'm truly sad it has ended. I mourn moments past like the encyclopaedia of chickens you brought me because we both wanted to own chickens. I miss you so much & I miss the birds. I'm sorry you couldn't see my worth but at least I can now.

I mean you really must have found some else. It hurts to think that you could be in a loved up phase with another woman whereas I just feel repulsed by the thought of another man. I miss you. I love you. I'm sad you don't think we were special enough to save (that tore me in two). I miss the parrots. If you ever mistreat them I'll staple your b*ll*cks to a tree.

Do you think about me? Ack, it doesn't matter does it? I bl**dy well hope you do!! How did I love someone with such a narrow mind!!

I'm loosing hope. Which is good but it means loosing you and as with any loss it hurts. I'm just questioning what's the point in all of this? I try to have faith that I will grow from this but what if I don't? What if I just get more messed up & drive others away to? I've lost a lot: a career, a home, pets, friends and, the most important of all of these, you. All of these things took years to build up. I feel like I'm stuck between wanting to be sad and mourn and the little voice in the back of my head saying move on life is short. I know that you will easily slide into option (b) whereas I am 100x more sentimental. I don't know why I'm telling you this because I don't think you'd understand.

I still don't understand how you could give up on us like you did. I still don't understand why your 'love' turned to dislike. There I so much wrong with this world and I can't understand how you could not want to fix us. I'm really sad because I miss you. I miss you a lot. And it hurts to think that you do not think what we had was special. It hurts to think that you are happy without me. It hurts to think that you have found the woman of your dreams. I think I respect the love I gave: it was patient & kind & understanding. It loved you for you (even your receding hairline that you hate so much). And yet, it feels like you didn't see me as a person. It feels like you saw me as an object that was cool to have initially and then lost it's value once it was one. When I look at what you say you believe I feel sad for you S I really do. I dunno, maybe there is a better offer for you out there. Maybe what I think matters ain't all that. I just find it really hard do think of all of our memories. I'm sorry I wasn't what you were looking for I miss you. I keep getting memories of you. Do you get the same? P.s - if you have someone new do you use our pet name. Why did you run away you dingbat.

The memory of you haunts me. When I get on with life I forget you and I miss you so I remember you & it makes me miss you more. Do I really never get to see you again? Is that really how this ends? I really don't want to love you, honest. If I could just not love you and walk away that would be great. I hate having flashbacks. I hate having hope & faith in you when I shouldn't. Why do I not learn with you? I just wish I could stop loving you & missing you. How wasted has my love been on someone who can't even appreciate it:s up-down-up-down

As nice as it was loving you it's really unproductive now that you don't care. I'd like to switch it off now please.

I miss you (broken record much). The thing is, you're starting to become a figment of my imagination now & it hurts. Realised how much I actually love you. I'm angry at the fact it didn't work out. I'm angry at you & your messed up parents. I'm angry at me. Just angry. It's really hard to know you love and care for me but can't see us working out. What's wrong with you?!! (inside joke)

If we had of been together I would have wished you a Happy Birthday. I wish I could have & am sad that I can't. Takecare xx