Chalk

It's hard to move forwards when your heart is in the past. Why is it so difficult to let go? I suppose it wasn't just you that I lost but our city, pets, proximity of friends, community & job. That's a big whack. I hate the feeling that this is a holiday & that I'll come back. It is so hard to let go

I just find the end of our relationship hard. I've never really lost someone like this before other than death. When I look back at our relationship I felt that we had our hard time but I also felt that we did love and care for each other. I find it hard to work out in my head why it ended up being such a mess. I still miss you every day and I really wish I didn't. I am scared that the future will bring me loneliness. I'm trying to move forwards but it's hard as I miss you and think about you often. I'm so convinced it's me and that I will just end up lonely. X

I find your reasons for breaking up with me vague. I wish you could have just said what you felt rather than putting all this positive spin on things. You lie by omission and that hurts because I don't know what you're omitting. Maybe you do just use people & I have to accept that.

I don't know if I should be happy or sad that you haven't been in touch. It just makes reality hit home that you did move on during our relationship and that really hurts. I wouldn't be suprised if you are in a relationship with M. I think about whether you miss me or not but you've not contacted me at all so you must be firm in your decision. I know it's not logical but deep down I am scared about the future. I feel this way because I didn't fall out of love with you and you did with me. I told you that I loved you and accepted you for who you were and yet you said you couldn't accept me for who I was. You leave with guilt but the feeling of being loveable and I leave with the feeling of rejection and not being acceptable as I am. I want to be positive about who I am but it is hard to believe that I will find someone or have a lasting relationship when I just feel like I will be rejected again. I don't want to be a self fulfilling prophesy. I really wish I had dated more people and not just you. There has to be someone better out there right? I'm scared I don't want to date again. I don't know if I can trust not to be left.

I'm crying over you again. I miss you. I think of all the times we've had together and remember them clearly. I know they weren't special to you now but they were special to me. And these memories are really vivid and I really miss you. It hurts to know that you withdrew from me and moved on during our relationship. It hurts that you just don't care enough. It really hurts and I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel so lonely. I feel like I was born to be lonely. Our relationship meant so much to me because I feel very lonely in my own family. You never truly loved me. You didn't. I was a convenient answer for a while. You don't feel broken cause I never really meant that much to you. I can't wait till you mean nothing to me.

Thanks, having an emotional night. Hugs back.

It's really hurtful to be told you're loved but just not enough to commit. Thanks for that.

I didn't think I'd get so reflective and sad!! It's lovely to see my best friend all happy with her kids and people announcing they're pregnant on Facebook. I just feel so rejected and sad that you didn't love me enough to see that with me. Didn't even want it now. It really hurts because I could see it with you. I'm happy to be home, I'm happy to be with family & friends but it hurts to be rejected and it hurts to miss you. I'm just gonna have a big old cry. I'm sorry I wasn't the right stuff for you. Eugh.

Although I'm much happier this Christmas than last year...we were working and I had rubbish shifts. I'm happy to spend it with my family and friends. I still think of what your doing. Are you having a good time? Are you working? Have you fallen for another? Are you with your family? I wish it wasn't so bittersweet. I wish I could forget you. If we were together you wouldn't have had fun with me anyway. Did P & L split up & get back together or were they being silly on Facebook. I don't want them to have the same problems as us? I wish I didn't feel sad because I am happy being home. I just miss you and am sad you have moved on

Feeling hurt you didn't want to work things out between us. That is all.

Just quick angry stamping feet moment: it's so unfair that you get to throw a x-mas party for our group of friends. I'm angry & jealous that you get to be with them all. Facebook & texting aren't the same. I'm jealous because I would have liked to have done that with you as it's not something we did together. It's not fair!! Tantrum over.

I still miss your face boy. Do you miss mine? Who knows. It doesn't matter. I miss my birdies and am sad they won't understand I didn't want to leave. I'm upset that you are not coming back. I'm angry. But I'm still living.

It would make sense to start truly believing that you're not ever coming back. I try to think what holds me back from doing this and it is loss. Loss of believing that our relationship was special, loss of believing that I'm acceptable, loss of that comfort that comes from loving just one person. And I know some of these thoughts are skewed. I just believed that I was an okay person and rejection places me in a place where I'm not okay. So this is how it goes. You stopped loving me. I don't know when you stopped but you didn't see a future with me. You hesitated, because you knew I was a nice gal, and you didn't want to break my heart. So you just gave up. You were too scared to tell me. I got so unhappy that I was a pain in the backside to live with (my life was defined by you & work). It took me running home to my parents for you to dump me. You are happier now. You feel that it was the right thing to do. Maybe there is even someone withwhom you see a future with. You were not who I thought you were but I was in denial about your character and what it would mean to have a failed relationship. You were never meant to be for me. From now on I will take your approach: I have learnt for the future.

You won't understand how this feels being on your side. I don't know who's luckier because of it. But the feeling of rejection is really tough. I wanted to marry you because I was proud of who you were. I enjoyed your company. I just loved you. It's really hard to not have those feelings reciprocated and, in hindsight, I should have protected myself more. With you I felt accepted and then that has been withdrawn. It really hurts to have been with someone and know them intimately for you to accept them and them to say 'nah, I'd rather not'. To be hurt by them and forgive them and then have them not forgive you. I am left questioning what the hell that was & who you were. I get really distressed because you were a nice guy and I don't know where that person has gone. I wonder, did I do that? Was I a bad influence on you? I am selfish and did that rub off on you? I'm disappointed beyond words. If you are falling in love with someone new then I wouldn't know what to think about who you are as a person. I feel like some of my characteristics which are quite relevant in maintaining a long term relationship trust and loyalty have been taken for granted. Was I just used becaue you had low self esteem and couldn't be bothered to find anyone else? Or no one else wanted you? I really hope there is someone else out there who is older in their mindset. Who isn't obsessed with being liked and has empathy rather than frustration when someone is going through a bad time. It is so hard to accept that someone you love doesn't love you back. And it hurts all the more because I miss you and I want to see you. I can remember being with you vividly and I just wish I could forget. I regret cherishing the time I had with you.

I wish I wasn't so sensitive, I wish you hadn't have fallen out of love with me, I wish I didn't still love you.

Maybe what happened in our 6 year relationship was that I transfered all my wishes of having a happy relationship on to you and didn't conside how you truly felt: you just weren't that into me. I mean, you did find it hard to say no to people and hurt them. Remember we had Mormons coming round to pray every week for a month because you didn't want to say no. Haha, so this is what happened to us. Wow, you really are a coward.

I dreamt about Mango and Marv. I miss them.

Sometimes, I wish I'd never fallen in love with you. I was very guarded at the beginning & found it hard to let you in. I did but I wish I never had. I can't believe it's over. I'm heartbroken.

I can't believe I still get so sad over you. I just re-read the e-mail you sent me and my reply. I just get so confused because in your e-mail it's clear that you care for me and respect me and, I think, love me to some degree. I don't understand what was so difficult. You just didn't love me that much I guess (why did you stay with me for so long?). Why can you not at least match my e-mail with a reply? Something short & sweet - thanks for your reply & understanding. I will respect your wishes. - but you have replied nothing. I'm not surprised as you always had the ability to irritate the hell outta me so why should that change. You touched my life and my heart and it really hurts not to have you here. Please God, find me someone better.

Without you & without thinking about you it's very lonely. I did love you you know. I'm really sorry you didn't care to work on it. I'm sorry I mistook you for someone you weren't. I honestly didn't think we'd ever break up & it kills me that you did. I miss you so much. I can't wait to get you outta my head & find someone else. I am heartbroken.

Do you still think about me? Aww, I don't want to know cause there's no going back. I don't want to think about you.

I was about to look at the Christmas cards for boyfriends when I realized I didn't have one. I felt sad. Then thought f' it that's less money spent and went and treated myself to a Yankee candle. Still hurting but fighting it.

I don't like the weekends. Have food poisoning which just makes it worse. Am a little surprised that I don't really crave your company anymore when I feel sick. I don't know how I am meant to feel towards you anymore because as time passes by I'm coming to the realization that you're not going to be able to talk to me about this in an adult way and, as a result, we won't resolve this. It really does hurt to think that you could have been over me for months and are actually happier without me. Maybe you are falling in love with someone new. I'm trying not to be the victim after all this. I do realize my worth. I'm just disappointed and hurt. I am a little scared that it is just me and that I'm impossible to be with. I'm scared that you will go on to have a fulfilling relationship and I won't. It's not a competition though. It just hurts that I'm 'not enough' for you. Sssiiiigggghhh.

I had a moment I hate flashbacks. I miss you and love you. I'm sure I'll find the anger again soon x

I've been thinking about me and my life more today. Today there was less attachment & emotion to lossing you. I feel like I have temporarily walled of my heart while I get my life here in order. I don't know the significance of dreams but I had another one about you. I dreamt I was dating a friend I knew from school. He was very serious about our relationship and quite forceful. All I could think is that he wasn't you. I am scared that I won't love anyone as much as you. Maybe that's how my life is meant to be, maybe it's not. Just the way I'm feeling.