Chalk

I tried to meditate but all I could see was the clearest picture of your sleeping face. I'm so sad that I chose to fall in love with you. For me it was always a conscious choice. I'm really sad for you because you are very influenced by those around you. You are also immature and insecure. I hate to think that the best act of love I can do for the both of us is let you go. Maybe it is. I have to accept that you do know your own path. I felt I knew mine. I hate my faith in you as a person because I don't know who it comes from. I hate all the positive things I felt about you. I'm so deeply attached to you. I don't know who I am anymore. I hate love. Down with love. I can't decide if my emotions are a strength or a weakness. I wish I could turn all this faith & love I have for you inwards. I hope you feels it's loss but I feel that your new biggest fan will keep on giving. I just miss your ugly face. Grow up in your own time then. Your the most annoying person I have ever met, you always have been.

How are you? How's your day?

Please get out of my head, go and annoy someone else. I'm still really hurting. I hate you.

I know that deep down inside you is a mature man but, at the moment, it is buried in immaturity. I am truly sad that you lost me because I've always tried to do what's best for you. It's not the big things but the little things I did to provide a loving & stable home. I feel that our break up was for the best as I'm learning to care for myself. I hope you are learning to care for yourself. I hope that you are alone and realise that you have to do things like feed the pets every morning, feed yourself (healthy stuff), love yourself, be proud of yourself. I was good for you. But, you are too immature to appreciate the good things in life. You are too immature to realise love is hard & takes work. You are too immature to communicate as was I. I need to let you go & figure out your own life & I mine. I hope you are happy with your choice. Sadness shows us the loss of what we loved & I loved you. I hope you realise what you've thrown away. I am sad that you cannot appreciate what you have in life. May you grow up because if you don't your life will be empty. Please get out of my head because I need to focus on me & enjoy me. I will be happy without you because I am happy with who I am deep down (I just believe others hype too easily). I hope you know what you lost.

I feel so broken. I can't understand how after 6.5 years you could just break up with me at a really difficult time in my life. I see you with her in the pictures and think: that is why you left me? It hurts to see you looking like a completely different person after about a month. You get your new job and have no need for me in your life anymore? I feel sick to the stomach. I just always imagined the future with you. I can't believe you gave up and are happy with out me. I feel completely broken. People in my life don't leave me. Why?

I am so unbelievably broken by what has happened. I don't weather change well I wish I did. We had happy times & I can't believe that you would deny those. I want to be the person I knew before I met you but that person was happy & confident. Did you ever make me feel good about myself? I know that I should feel good about myself but I can't. I just feel like I should have been more to you. I feel like I look at others and think, how are you able to treat someone like that? And yet they still live & have more fun doing it. I can't treat people like that, it's not in me. I appear boring and am. How many mistakes do we let each other make before we just turn away? You will go on and find someone. Your relationship will be good in the first few years & you will marry. Our relationship has not been bad & I just have no comprehension of how you have given up. All your I love yous were empty. Talking about the future was empty. Saying you weren't having an affair with Mona. Emotional affairs are still affairs and happen because you let them. I meant so little to you that you always put yourself before me when I was there thinking for the both of us. I really miss the person you used to be. Arrogance does not become you. I really wish I could tell you how I hate you. Maybe enjoy the drama you & others love much.

I mourn what I thought was potential but never was. I'm really sad for you because you threw it away. I feel like a mother scorning a child. I miss the image I had of you in my head. I'm so bitterly disappointed at how things ended. You are more emotionally damaged than you care to admit. I truly have no idea who you are anymore & you've been such a stable force in my life. I feel used by you. I hope that if you've left me for her that she is as good as she seems. All the belief I had in you as a person has come crashing down. I hope that hurts. I no longer think you're understanding, kind or caring. I no longer think you're trustworthy or loyal. I definitely do not think you have morals. It is me, not you who has these things & yet you've convinced me I'm boring. I'm so sad for you & hurt by you. You say one thing then do another. I've felt like I was in the wrong for so long but I'm not. Enjoy your new life. I hope that one day you realise that I wasn't bad. In fact, I supported & cared for you a lot. Your actions make me sick. You make me sick. I am fed up with you. I give you to fate and while I wish I could hope for your happiness I don't.

I think you have narcistic traits & I played to that because I was very giving. You never seemed like you were proud of me. I thought this was my problem but it was yours. When I got better marks than you in 4th year you said it was because I had better exam technique. There was no 'I wish I'd studied harder' from your end. That's odd. You said that I wasn't stylish, which again played on my insecurities, but when I did look stylish you always queried who I was dressing up for. I didn't like your dress sense sometimes but I accepted it. Wow. You wanted a hair transplant which I never understood as I said I'd love you even if you were bold. You didn't care. You were however self confident in your ability in your job, self confident in sport. There never seemed to be much worry. When your friends had issues with you it was always their fault. By the way, very few people think you have a similar jawline to Johnny Depp. Your everyone's friend, the good guy but when it comes down to it there is actually little depth there. You cannot express negative emotion very well. The thing is you come accross as being very vulnerable but you don't let people help you grow. I think my issues of low self esteem played to all of this. I hope you come to realise that I am a very kind & understanding person. I hope no one else let's you treat them like I did. I'm worried for your new female victim. Will it happen again or will you have learnt from me? She seems like a very nice individual who will support you through our break up. Please treat her with respect because I'm not sure she can command it very well. You are right. It wouldn't have worked but it's not been as much my fault as I thought x

No, wait you walked all over me, if I'd put me first that wouldn't have happened. I don't wish you happiness, I wish you to feel like this but know you never will. I wish I could care less but we all have our crosses to bear x

I shouldn't have done it but I looked at your Facebook. You look like you're having a really great time without me. You're being the person you always wanted to be without some depressed whinger holding you back. I wanted to be with you because I feel these people are my friends too. You seem like you're getting on well with M. I just thought you might miss me & our life together. I'm a lot happier now & a lot less stressed. I hate that you are already so over me that you are getting on with your life. I'm so hurt that you can just move on to another girl so quickly. It feels that you had it all lined up & just needed me to leave. I want you to be happy but I'm so hurt that it's without me

I miss you so much. It's really hard to cope without you. I've lost a big part of my identity: you, my job, my city, our friends & pets. I'm very grateful for my family & friends. I don't know what to believe about life anymore. When J was with you I wanted children & marriage & stability but now I don't know. I'm not sure I'm a strong enough person to deal with these things. I never thought I'd be your practice before the main event. I always treated you as the main event. I just don't understand anymore. I'm still in shock. You are my security blanket ripped away. I always liked the Ellsworth song beloved monster & I can't believe you're not with me to fight. Us against the world? I'm so lost

I want to ask you how long it took you to start getting over us? Because I feel you did it while I was still there. I noticed you started to do more stuff on your own. I was a little annoyed went we could have done something together. Was it a year, 2 years. Did it really only end because I had the strength to walk out the door & go to my parents? Then you could break up with me by text & over the phone? I pray, pray, pray that you haven't formed a special emotional attachment with Mona but it feels like you might. I'm scared if you have cause then I know you're gone forever. I am going to contact you in a few weeks to try and gain some closure on what this has been but I need to do more to build up my life at home first (volunteering) so I won't want to kill myself when you come back with some ill thought out it's not meant to be speech. I hate you & I love you. I wish you were in bed beside me now like the past 3 years. I've graduated from not sleeping on my side to the middle now. I still miss sleeping in your arms. How long have those arms been hugging me & not caring. Scotty, I miss such simple things about us: Fox's biscuits, shopping at Tesco's, cups of tea, being attacked by caiques when drinking said tea. How are my babies? Do they look for me? I miss the balding bit of your head & how I would kiss it. Remember your granda getting me pissed all the time at your graduation? How can you appreciate all our special moments & want to throw it away? I pray that you miss me, even if you do have a new flatmate now. I pray that you realise that I'm 'right' for you. I'm starting to feel happier in my life back home. If we do go our separate ways I'll be able to live here & be happy. I know that the Scott I grew to love is still in there somewhere. Work has made you a lot harder. I pine for you so much. It feels like you've died. I thought today that we may never meet again & I was so sad. I thought maybe we'd meet in the afterlife (although I don't believe in that) and give each other a hug. Love to Harry & Evie. The guinea pigs are in heaven here! Xx

The thing is, I love because I wanted to & you did but couldn't see it. Our choices are linked to our own pasts & we did what we felt was right at the time. I want to grow show you what you missed but that won't help me will it. I want to grow because I want to be happy. I can't control what you learn from this. I can't control what you do in life. I'm sad because I want you to be happy & I'm not sure if you will be. But you are responsible for that. I wish you could see me think like this because I know you just wanted me to be happy. I want what's good for you and if that's not me it's not me. We've been on such a journey, but in the end we are still the only ones we have to live with, I can leave you with love or hate. I choose love but that will fade in time. (I'm now waiting for the ball breaking depression that follows this clarity - ah mood swings).

If I moved from here I'd miss little things: the lovely garden, my parents, the countryside. I want to care about myself for my health. I did get depressed & burnt out but we are both responsible with regards to how we dealt with this. I am fun. I am good enough for you. If you think that I'm not then that is your issue with regards to how you view yourself. I like to be comfortable but I also like to change and grow. I am right for me. I am more than worth it.

I'm not responsible for your feelings, you are responsible for your feelings I'm responsible for my feelings, you are not responsible for my feelings.

I really miss the little things, like going into town, cooking dinner for you and watching movies together. I really just wanted you to care about me as much as I cared about you. I'm sorry I was depressed. I'm sorry I was no fun. I'm sorry I got really stressed with work and burnt out. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you. I'm sorry for just liking to be comfortable. I'm sorry I'm not right. I'm sorry I'm not worth it.

I remember how one of our friends wrote a list on Facebook about her ex. It was funny. I wouldn't want to scorn that women. I liked the phrase sex isn't all in-out-in-out. I'm too mature to do that so I'll just blast you here. I'll leave out your sexual prowess here but I will comment that you did once state during sex 'I wonder what it's like to be taken by a man'. Ahh, being immature is such a relief. You were such an immature piece of work sometimes. Who gets a cockatiel & then takes it back to the pet shop because it's not tame. Take the effort to tame it. It's ironic really that me & this bird had the same name & you booted us both out when it got too hard. Why would you stay with someone for 6 1/2 years & then say you don't see a future? What were you expecting? That I'd magically turn into the perfect woman. Get a grip. People aren't perfect. Go marry perfection. I'm gonna marry a human with faults. We won't have perfect compatibilty because it doesn't exist. It won't be easy either because that's life. I will have hate for that person to by the way because when you love someone it's okay to hate them sometimes as well x

I've been reading about relationship stages & wonder if our arguing comes a bit more from your emotional immaturity than mine! I'll do anything to see myself a good light!! Okay, I've done some immature things but I was honest with you about how I felt at that time. You truly know me. You know me at my worst (and my best). I'm sad you don't see yourself marrying me. I'm sorry I'm not right for you. You are right, I am one of the most kindest & genuine people you know. I do have a pretty nose. But I am so much more than just that!! I'm funny & quirky. I'm nurturing & a good listener. I'm intelligent emotionally & academically. I may not be the loudest member of the crowd but I have substance. I think picking up on someone's negatives is natural in a relationship. I love my mum because she quite plainly states that her marriage to my dad ain't perfect but it's good enough. She says they're together because their comfortable & still have sex (bleugh). She says she wants to kill him some times. This is very much the approach I took with you. You drove me up the wall & on to the ceiling & I'm sure I did you. I don't think I'm wrong in thinking that throwing away a 6 year relationship is a waste. But then again, it won't work if you can't love me the way I love you or the way I love myself. You were my bestfriend & I wanted to share life experiences with you & not get caught up in the rush of hormones of a new love I take responsibility for my part in the downfall of our relationship, will you take yours? I have learnt so much about myself from this split and (maybe for my own sanity because I'm really riding a rollercoaster at the moment) believe I'm stronger without you & am sad for you. All my love, Cx

I have lots of time on my hands now: oh, it's so good to think! I'm so conflicted in my thoughts about you. For 6 years, I believed that I would end up spending the rest of my life with you and I feel like such a fool. The negative side of my mind goes back to what I've said before: that you'd dump me and marry soon after. Was I right? You always see things and you want them straight away. You give them your all and then it's something else. I feel that if you marry in your next relationship you'll have kids straight away and then what will happen? But I don't know these things do I? On our first date I thought I'm gonna marry you and clearly that's not the case. I feel angry at people who say, 'you just know', because I don't. I thought I did but have been in a fantasy.

PS - you are a silly man child. I know this because I know you. Your friends are moving away and settling down. You're still there. Even I'm moving on, the person who loves you after 6 years of relationship & uni & foundation years. It's really sad that you would rather start again with someone new than build on a strong foundation. I wish I knew how your doing. How your feeding yourself (microwave meals?). How you take the bins out. How do you sleep in our bed? It must be hard to commit to someone if something's not right. Especially after your parents marriage. I don't think you were entirely sure. I think you are used to being the big brother/adult in a relationship so had to be. Please miss the good times. Please miss my kindness & ability to love. Please realize you love me. I know you care for me & love me. Can you look after yourself in that dingy flat cause you've always had someone. ARGH tell me who is going to be as kind and loving and sexy as me and still let you keep parrots??!!

I just don't know anymore. I thought I understood people but the more I think about it the more I don't. I'm trying so hard to learn from this & grow from it but at times I just feel like giving up. How can you not know someone after 6 years? I'm always trying to understand others actions & forgive them. I think it's a good characteristic to have. But who is it good for? It doesn't feel good to me sometimes. I feel like such a fool for believing in you. Is that not what you would want in a partnership? Someone to fight your corner? Someone to have fun with? Life gets in the way of that doesn't it? Surely in a partnership you should fight for the person you fell in love with? I don't know if I'm blessed for going through this or not? I opened my heart & that felt so good but this feels horrific. And yet, I'm stupid because I'll keep seeing the good in people & forgiving & will probably love again. These seem like strong things but I feel so weak. I'm trying to understand the point but I'm still not sure there is one. I hate loving you, you don't deserve it. You really don't & I'm sad I gave it to you & keep giving it.

I met my best friend the other day (the one you asked to her face if she needed contraceptive advice which is hypocritical cause you're mum had you at 17). It was so good to see her. I felt like a part of me was coming back to me and I felt comfortable. I've missed her a lot. She's a beautiful person. After that, I felt so right. That you are an immature man child who needs to grow up & stop thinking that 'a woman can't tell you what to do'. No she can't but if you step out of the situation and listen to her opinion. I'm so confused because this isn't you is it? As I told you on the phone, to which you took great offense, I don't know you anymore. Has the past 6 years been a lie? I miss the person I thought you were. I miss the pets, although I didn't want them initially I loved them while you got bored with the budgies. Story of my life. If you come back I don't know if I can forgive you & that tears me apart

I'm a kind, loving person who can love misunderstood folk. I have a good sense of humor. I'm loyal, honest & trustworthy. I'm genuine and down to earth. I'm nurturing, good with kids. I have confidence in the bedroom and am not ugly. I'm intelligent and self aware (although awfully self depricating & unsure of my line of work). You said you didn't see yourself marrying me and that our relationship wasn't right or some other bull. Dude, your the one that's actually a mad immature man child who can't see what he has. Maybe we're not right for each other. Maybe you will find perfection. I know I will because I know how to forge a proper relationship. You are not God. I love you unconditionally and know you have to do what's best for you but I have to do what's best for me & that is love for who I am and remember that person in the dark times. You've wasted 6 years of my life. 6 YEARS. I hope you have enough empathy to feel guilty & ashamed. It makes me feel sick that I slept by your coward side every night for 3 years. You need to grow a pair of balls.

I feel like you've ruined a very innocent part of me. I don't know if I'll be able to trust or love someone unconditionally like I did you. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself. I'm so sick of doing the right thing by people & ending up hurt. I hate that you think our relationship wasn't worth saving. I hate your be-spectacled balding head. I hope you get your heart broken one day.

If I couldn't sleep before I'd role over & hug you