Chalk

One of the hardest things for me to deal with and understand is that you may have completely gotten over our relationship while we were in it. You said in your letter that it took you a long time to communicate because you were confused of your feelings and maybe you were. I dunno, it's just when I picture you now you are completely happy and free. Because this is in my mind, I think how dare you be like that!! It makes me angry & sad but pushes me forward in way. You've not replied to my e-mail yet...meaning you're thinking of what to say? How to let me down again with nice words encase you need me in the future? Have I confused you even more? You can't be bothered? Anyway, it's me who deserves my time now. I was worried your birthday would be overly significant for me but it's not. I see no need to wish you Happy Birthday. It's just made me angry with you: how dare you have a birthday and make me think of you having fun!! Lol! I always made a real effort for your birthday Wow, why am I feeling so angry towards you? At least it's not missing you or feeling sadness.

It hurts me that you could be thinking: I dated this girl for 6 years but she wasn't right for me. She couldn't keep in touch afterward. I wish you could understand that pain. Happy Birthday.

It's your birthday tomorrow. I don't know what you're doing to celebrate. I'm feeling really emotional now (having not thought of you all day). It hurts having a best friendectomy, moving home with your parents & loosing your friends & work collegues. Sometimes I think I can get through this & then there are moments like this when I just feel really lost. I'm a kind & loving person who was loyal to you. I don't understand how you can give up on 6 years of what you admit to be a happy relationship because there is 'friction' between us. Saying this was meant to happen hurts too (like you shirk any responsibility) I do not understand your logic. I'm really feeling the rage. I miss you so much and it really hurts like hell!!

Okay, let's try this for size... I'm thankful for the beauty I saw in you and our relationship. It made my world a better place to live in. In its ending I have learnt a lot about who I am: good & bad. I hope that someone inspires these feelings in you one day. I have been lucky.

I miss you so much. I miss every part of you. I miss the birdies as well. It is really hard to love someone and have them reject you. It is hard to have that person tell you they still care for you and love you but don't see a future with you. You wonder who they can see a future with. I didn't want to marry you to curb your freedom or prevent you experiencing life. I wanted to show that I was proud of you and being with you. It just really hurts to love someone and have to let them go because they don't love you. I don't know who is worse off me because I can feel this or you because you don't. It's just really hard to give someone something & for it to be rejected. How can I ever trust love again?

I miss you. It hurts that you care about me. I miss talking to you & sharing jokes. You are a much stronger person than I to fallout of love & walk away.

I'm angry that you said we grew apart. To grow apart would be mutual. Eff the eff off effer!!

Still think of you daily, still sad, still don't understand

On a positive, at least I don't have to watch you grow old and die. You'll be forever young to me.

I was really strongly attached to you & it's difficult to break. I don't know how you can't feel it (that's it you don't really care & have found new more exciting fluff). First of all I just miss you: your voice, mannerisms, the way you move. Then I miss your personality: you annoyed the hell out of me but I could always talk to you. I miss your soft skin and arms. I miss your forehead and I miss the tip of your nose. I really truly loved you. It hurts to know that you don't love me enough to let go of my bad points.it hurts that I'm a what and not a who. I'm horrifically loyal and feel what I've given to you is wasted. I'm just finding it really hard to say goodbye to you because I truly believed that we had a good thing and that you loved me. I have little understanding of why you have made this decision. But then you're okay & I'm not okay -> that's our mantra!! It's hard to mourn 6 years because there are so many memories.

I just have to get this out (move on) but if you did leave me because you started to have feelings for someone else it would really hurt. I don't know if you have but I know who it is if you have. What hurts is that this person is infinitely lovely, pretty & a better human than I could be. And it hurts to think that after 6 1/2 years I am not right & she is right. It really hurts to think of you with someone else. It hurts that you didn't want me anymore. It just hurts. Lucky you. I wish the foot were on the other shoe x

I'm ashamed & embarrassed that our relationship went on for so long. I'm ashamed I acted the way I did. I want to be able to forgive myself & be proud but I find that really hard to do. If only mistakes were easier to accept I'd make more of them!! I can't help but feel that I'm just too caring & sensitive to really experience what is out there. I really do miss you. I miss the sense of security I had with you. I'm really sad about loosing you. I wish I felt it less xxx

Garrgh, I hate you & I hate the situation I'm in!!!! Rage!

It's not gonna work is it- you & me. I'm more than a bit scared that it will happen again to me.

I miss my intelligent wee birdies so much. I'm scared you are not looking after them. I know they will grieve me & it breaks my heart. Especially when Mango is so innocent & Marvin so distrusting. I know you are entitled not to love me I miss them so much. I'm really scared that you're life will change and you'll just give them away. My heart would break for them if you did that. It also hurts me to think of another girlfriend or maybe in the future wife getting to know them and love them. It seems so unfair that I knew them as babies & some other women will get the rest of their lives with them. Please don't give up on them EVER. Please let them be the one commitment you do make. I miss Mango grooming my hair. I hate you for doing this me. I'm so angry at you for breaking us up.

When will I let you go stinka*se? I'm getting to the point where I just think hope is a waste of time. I've always wanted my mother to grow up & maybe I transferred that to you. Sometimes I see my life here & sometimes I don't. I'm mourning what we had & what we were meant to be. I hope you learn from our relationship, if not for me then for your own future happiness. You know, one of the last catches in my brain is imagining you with someone else & I wish it didn't hurt so much or make me so jealous. I honestly have no idea why I love you or why I ever loved you. Please stop making me cry. Xxxx

I'm going to have to return to our city to sit an exam at the beginning of December. I've asked to stay with a mutual friend & have asked her not to tell you. She said she's okay with that, understands & can keep a secret. I suppose a little part of me hoped you'd find out. I'm over-reading into it - she understands because you've moved on & have a new girl & are wildly happy. She understands because you look perfectly well & happy. I hate how I feel that I can live & get on with my life but little things like this hold me back. I'm just plain angry at this whole situation!! I had a dream about the caiques last night and I missed them. I also dreamt that I was Lois from family guy & I found out you were sleeping with a friend. You callously enjoyed it and had no concern for me. You then slept with me as well. I wish I had dream punched you! Man, I really miss the old you of yester year.

I still miss you. I've learnt so much about myself without you. I miss the parrot - I dreamt about them last night.

While this morning, I felt that I couldn't see how it could work now I can. Argh, it's all in my head anyway. I suppose I just have to be sure that I don't burn bridges with you. Does that make sense? I think I am fully capable of living without you but I don't feel we have any issues that can't be overcome. However, I do have experience dealing with emotion whereas you don't. And I sort of think that's part of the issue: timing. I just think I'm a good (if not a bit of a muppet) & I think you're a good thing (with muppet features). As a selfish human being, I don't see the point in not writing back to you. In fact, I will BUT I'm not going to hang around. I will let you go with love & you will know about it!! I'm taking my time to think about what I feel. Time not in touch with you is blissful. This is why I haven't responded to you yet. But...you don't love me enough, after 6 years, it doesn't matter if I don't respond quickly.

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderly again...oh, who am I kidding you only ever read Steven King. Last night I dreamt we were on a sinking ship (very apt). You held resentment towards me and didn't want to be my friend. You hung around with others. I was worried about you as the ship sunk: I didn't want you to die. I don't think you noticed this. You suck!! While I have no belief in dream dictionaries this one said 'To dream that you abandon ship indicates that you need to move on and let go.' How painfully true:s

I had an okay day today: I appreciated it for what it was. I didn't feel as low as over the weekend. I did just look at Facebook (which is the devils spawn) as you know I've blocked your page but I see people who I grew up with going on holiday with their husbands or getting married. I know I have to seek my own path that I'm destined to leet someone new or be just be happy having fantastic parents but it does hurt knowing that you decided you didn't want that with me. My mind screams - what's wrong we me?! In my life it's always been my relationships with others that has counted & ours was very dear to me. In truth, I am still devastated. At times I feel I was born to sing the blues. I really do not understand how you can be so laid back? Where does the hurt go? Where does your mum's death go? Do you just slide along the surface never seeking a deeper meaning? I miss you but times doesn't stop for me to get over you does it? You had the luxury of doing this in the relationship but I didn't. I don't mean this in a harsh way (because I loved you faults and all) but you're such a disappointment. P.S: I had a thought about you in that cold flat trying to locate the boiler key. I hope you can't find it.

I wish heartbreak didn't hurt so much. I need to do something to pep myself up tomorrow. Gads, I don't know why I'm having this dip. You really ripped out my over sentimental heart.

I really miss you today & I don't know why. Gone are the thoughts of my strength and emotional maturity over you. I just feel weak & low. I would give anything to be with you. I would give anything to be in your arms. I still don't understand what is so wrong with me that you feel the need to dump me or show me some kind of commitment after 6 years. I feel like I just want to give up. I'd quite like to become a hermit! You were the person I loved most in all my life & after such a long time you cast me aside. I'm sorry for not being good enough.

And it's days like these, when nothing interesting happens, that I get down. Last night I dreamt that you were dating one of our friends. Nastja was in labour & I was helping here. You were off in another part of the hospital with Mona. I can't tell whether this attraction for her is real or in my head. I miss my home It's funny that I still call it that. That I still call the birds my birds even though they're not. I keep having flashbacks of doing simple things such as filling the washing machine & it feels like I'll be back tomorrow to do that. In my mind, my home has been frozen in time and is waiting to have me back. I do not understand why you hated me so much and why you pushed me away. It can't really be all so simple that we like different things can it? I don't think it is. What was important to me was that we could have fun together but other things were always more interesting to you. I just feel really very hurt. I was looking for someone special: a nice guy. After all these years I thought what we had was special. I'm really suffering from these horrible flashbacks of doing very normal things with you & feeling like they will return. I'm really struggling tonight. My mum is driving me up the wall. The little child inside me is inconsolable for what she has lost. She really doesn't understand. She is really naive & thought you were great. She doesn't want to accept that you treat her poorly & disrespected her. She works on the premise that deep down we are all good people. With you she worked on that premise for a long time. Why did you change? I really miss the old you. I really miss any you. I hate you for leaving me. I want to come home so bad.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sad tonight. I don't know why I miss our flat so much. At times it feels like I've done new things and I reach a plateau. Then I feel your loss. You really were part of my heart & sole & it has hurt me that you didn't want me. I regret being so innocent about our relationship. I really thought you would have my best interests at heart. I really thought you were my best friend. I thought that you would always love me. I felt like I had waited a long time to find a 'good' guy. The thing is, it's not that you aren't. You just didn't want to be that person to me. I'm really blaming myself tonight. I doubt anyone will ever love me again. I am unattractive & not up to scratch. Eugh. And you, I imagine are out with friends. Finally free from your ball and chain.