Chalk

I had an amazing nights sleep last night but it was bittersweet. I brought some nasal decongestant (woop) which really worked for my cold. I had an amazing night breathing through my nostrils and not my mouth. I had a moment when I was half awake and thought man this is such a good sleep. I instinctively turned over to wrap my arms around you and surprise, surprise you weren't there. Your body would have been the icing on the cake but it wasn't meant to be. Do you ever get moments like these or are you curled up next to someone else?

Why does it appear that all my friends are entering relationships, or getting engaged or married? It's so lonely being deserted. I wish I could pick myself up.

I am moving on in a sense...I've gotten temporary work and am trying to do more things. But in all honesty, in my down moments I still feel empty, I still feel incomplete without you. For some reason you provided me with some internal stability and I don't know why. I think about you less and less and yet I still miss your personality, your face and your hug. I know I'm strong enough to live without you but I'm scared that there won't be another. I wish I had a brother or a sister. If they had a family I wouldn't have to feel so lonely?

I'm really hurting and missing you tonight and I don't know why. I wish I didn't because I know you don't live me and it doesn't get me anywhere. I am missing you wrapping your arms around me every night like you did in the past. I felt so comfortable and loved. You are very lucky not to have to worry about having children before a certain age. I just miss you so much. Even though you don't care I still miss you. I don't understand why this has happened

Gads, I don't know why I still miss you I still don't understand it. We love incompletely different ways. When I think of new guys I get caught up in the fantasy but am mainly scared and insecure about the whole palava. I miss the comfort of being with you. I'm sorry if that's the wrong type of love.

It's the weekend and I'm finding it hard: I always seem to at the weekend. It is when I feel lonely and when I miss you. I've had a better week than last week when P & L got engaged and you decided to write me your guff e-mail showing how we are on different pages. I'm finding it hard to write back. I've given up that you'll ever even acknowledge or validate anything that I say. I feel like that's all I want from you. If you could just say: I know that this is hard. I hear what you say about love fluctuating. I've noted that myself but have realized that... I dunno, I probably wouldn't want to hear you say that as it hurts all the same. I know my reply will be pretty unemotive and short. It's just really hard to say goodbye to someone who I loved more than anything and then deserted me I wonder if you are enjoying a new relationship with Mona or someone else? I don't want to know. I am happy that I have not let myself know as I have been able to protect myself in this way. I miss you though, it takes me a long time to trust people and I felt comfortable with you. I trusted you and after 6 1/2 years you left me. Hopefully, I'll feel better if I cry this out. I feel so angry at you after that letter. Mad. It makes me angry that instead acknowledging that it's been hard you just say, logically, that you're activly moving on and occupying yourself. I'm jealous that I don't have enough strength to do that. I'm angry at myself for expecing it to be easy. Why can you do it and not me?!! When I'm occupied with moving on I feel better but when I reach my goals they feel empty. I got a temporary job, I'm starting to think about traveling. I'm volunteering. But at times it's empty. Eugh. Weekends. I just need to get it all out. I wish I had some single friends to go out with and get drunk but I don't. That's isolating itself. I hate mowning, I worry I'm too moany but I just need to get it out. Gggrrraaarrrrggg!!!

I still miss you. I wish we could be friends but I don't think my ego would survive if you found someone else. I'm so gutted you don't see a future between us. I'm just sorry it has to be this way but relationships are hard, understanding others is hard. I just give up. It hurts to do that.

Hello, I'm not really sure what that e-mail was about and why you chose to send it when you did. I'm not really sure I understand what special love I had for you that you didn't. In reflection, I may have loved what I wanted you to be and not who you were. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. I'm not sure I understand why you couldn't have paid me the money for the council tax sooner. If you feel you don't owe me money I'd rather you said. I'll happily take the budgies, are you able to make the 7 hour journey to drop them off? I miss the caiques and want you to know that I would take them if you ever couldn't keep them at anytime in the future. It would be a one way thing though: I wouldn't baby sit them. All the best, C

I want this to be the last time I write to you here (on this thread). I don't understand why you felt it necessary to write to me like you did. You appeared not to be able to put yourself in my shoes: why on a day when our friends got engaged did you contact me to say you definitely didn't see a future together? Your paragraph about your time home and all the things you've been doing made absolutely no sense to me. I am not your mother, I am not an elderly relative who cares about what you have done. It was all on the surface and unnecessary. And then to re-iterate that you felt you didn't love me enough and saw me as a friend? Did you understand what I said before? I said that you had to go with your own feelings but that I did not want to hear how you were moving on. I am hurt by you spelling it out to me but I don't understand why it couldn't have come sooner. I have not begged, I have not pushed. I always found some of the things you did disappointing but I thought it was your immaturity and that you would grow. The times you impulsively wanted pets and then became disillusioned with them. You always had a new craze which would later be dropped. Always wanting the best instead of what you had money for and what would do. You mention that you want to pay me in installments. You make good money where does it go. You could not put your feelings aside to go to one of your bestfriend's wedding. You said he'd become annoying since he'd met his girlfriend (in my mind he was still the same just happy and in love). I know this sounds parental but I am disappointed in you. I had so much belief in you as a person (which you have too by the way) and I am really disappointed. My belief in people is too high. I am disappointed at myself for misjudging you. You continually wish me well and hope I'm having a wonderful time - do you think I am? Is that realistic? You hope I have a 'wee job' when you've waffled on about yours. And then you have the cheek to mention money you have not paid me like you've just remembered and it slipped you mind. You ask if I can take the budgies as you wish to downsize...and when at one point you wanted them so much. Where is your love for them? They are innocent. I do not love you. Your behaviors disgust me. I am sad for you and what you value. I'm sad that you are able to charm all around you and yet never commit to any depth. I miss the person you were in the beginning of our relationship but I am unsure if that person ever existed or if it was just an act. When I look back at your previous 'relationships' others pu in all the effort and you went along with it without truly asking what you yourself wanted. I'm sorry I ever got involved with you. You are deeply insecure. Your family affected you much more than you'll ever know. I have never described anyone as a what before but I will for you. To echo your words 'I cannot accept what you are'. I don't know if I will be in another relationship but I will be sure to look at who I'm dating and what is in front of me. I see no future with you.

I appreciate your honesty now f*** off out of my life.

Ack, I'm feeling low & lonely. You will get to celebrate our friends engagements with them & I'm envious of that. I know it's not winning or loosing but it feels like you win. You are logistically closer to them all and get to celebrate - you win. You may or may not have had someone waiting in the wings - you win. You still have your job & independence from family - you win again. You still have our birds - score. I had a breakdown & you just eject the faulty part out of the mix. I've been feeling better these past few days but it's a step back today. What is wrong with me? Why do I get chucked after 6 1/2 years? Why did you not want to commit to me? Why am I the one who was so devastated I had to resign and move back home? Why do I have to start again? Why do I still miss you?

And so our best friends, the couple we hung out with so much, have gotten engaged. I'm happy for them but it does bring home the fact that you didn't want that for us and yet you let our relationship continue for so long. I you came crawling back I'm not so sure I would except you back after the way you treated me. I dunno, disappointment and disbelief that all these couples around me are getting engaged and I thought that would be us and I feel like I'm not sure what I did wrong.

It's nearly been 6 months. 6 months! There was a time (about 6 1/2 years) when I never thought I'd be where I am today. I am moving forwards with life. Making moves career wise. I still miss you and I'm still angry at you. It still feels like you are a part of me and I still dream of being with you. I'm disappointed by you and the ways I let you treat me at times. I have a deep down fear that I'm not good enough to be in a proper relationship with someone. I miss you but I don't think I could go back to someone who has treated me as you have.

I'm having a hard day and I miss you. I was listening to the radio earlier on and an agony aunt was speaking to someone who's husband wanted a separation. She said that often people only leave when they've found someone else. Was that what happened to us? The only person I can think of is Mona. I don't really know her at all and maybe you are loves young dream. I just think of all the things we had in common and don't understand it. I don't hate my life back home but I do feel very lonely and seem to just exist. It's hard going out to meet people when you've had your confidence shat on. I don't feel interesting or worthwhile. I do feel like there is something wrong with me. I understand what we had is over and that it's never coming back. I don't know if you feel any pain at all or if this is easy for you. You are probably just glad that it is over and you don't have to put up with me anymore. I feel like I want to get revenge on you by living well but what if that's not my destiny? What if I am just meant to be a bit of a loser? What if you're meant to go on and be happy but I am not? Frustrated & very down on myself

I wish I could stop missing you. I wish I could stop believing there is something wrong with me as a person. I feel bored by life (I wish I didn't). I sometimes think that living is just finding something to do until you die. I seem to find little meaning in things that others get excited about. You wouldn't understand what I meant by this.

Sometimes, on Facebook, I see mutual friends speaking to themselves on facebook a.k.a they are talking to you. I wonder how you are. I wonder if, when they ask how you are, you are okay. Do they ask because you are going through a hard time or they haven't seen you. I over think it. I'd rather you were okay I think. I miss you x

I really miss you so much it hurts. I can't describe the loneliness and reject I feel. I just want to come home to you. I miss my job as well. I miss our friends. I feel so isolated here. Everything feels superficial. I miss the closeness I had to you. I miss knowing you so well. I miss our baby birds. I miss you so much and still don't understand. I don't want anyone else. They suck!! I want to go to sleep for an age and not have to deal with this s***.

I'm sorry I didn't hug you when I walked out the door at the end. I often think how that would have changed things. But I had to leave for myself and my own sanity. I couldn't stay and I couldn't not want a sign of commitment from you because I did. My sense of self worth was telling me that I could not continue to be with someone who didn't see a future with me. It was hard for me to walk away, although you were the one to finally end it. I was speaking to someone who said you might not settle down & be happy. I was torn between 'I was right & you were wrong' but honestly, I wouldn't want that for you. And that is love & that was my gift to you.

I wonder how you are. I really do. And not the imagined you who is so over our relationship and skipping off with M into the sunset but how you are. I'm torn between wanting to know and not. I had a flashback earlier of the moment I realized it was over between us and it was horrible. I felt the sense of shock, horror and rejection again. I suppose a bit of the emotional distance I'd developed retreated. I still ask myself who was it that I loved. I miss the part where you weren't fed up with me.

I miss my best friend, even though you weren't that good at it. Do you miss me? Are you in a relationship? I am hurting.

What do you do these days? Other than work? How do you overcome the 'no friends free at the weekend'? I've been so used to always having you in my life. I miss you. P.s - It's hard to imagine never seeing you again. I find that hard x

I miss my best friend, not that you were near the end. I just don't understand how you cannot want to talk through things and work things out. I suppose because to you our relationship was not worth staying with whereas to me it was. And that is hard to take.

I still miss you. I find it hard to have someone taken out of my life like this. I was really strongly attached to you and I miss you and crave your comfort. The thought of building a new relationship seems so scary and I cannot understand how it is preferential to you rather than talking and working through things. It really upsets me. I really am confused about life in general. I'm trying to think that this is just a stage that comes from a ball breaking loss and hope it is. This is a new year but inside I'm still crying and probably will be until all settles down. When will that be? P.s - I'm not sure why you didn't text me over Christmas or New Year. I wish you'd just been honest about how you felt about me rather than hide it behind a mask. I have no clue if you thought of me or what you thought. I suppose you're respecting my wish not to be hurt by your contact. Why do you only respect me now when I'm gone? I miss you. I'm moving forwards but change hurts x

I miss you. It feels like your memory is burned into my brain and I can't seem to rid myself of the longing for you. I can build a new life and the pain gets better but I just want to come home to the familiarity of you. I want to be falling asleep in your arms. I'm sorry I am so based in comfort and routine but these things matter to me. I still don't understand what went wrong. I still don't understand how, instead of wanting to talk this over like an adult, it is easier for you to run away. I am hurt that I don't know the real reason why things can't work. I find I can cope with most of what has happened but it is the missing you that gets me down.

I still miss you and it hurts to be moving on. I feel my perception of relationships is warped because you were my first love and I honestly thought that, after so long, we would end up together. I'm confused that we didn't and why it couldn't work. I really want to talk to you and see how you're doing. Why won't you get in touch?