aftermath1

First day that I know it is over for good, or at least in my head I understand that it is over. I feel horrible I miss and still want you back but I know that it is not going to happen. I can't stop blaming myself for hurting you, but I also know that you were super sensitive too. I keep telling myself that because I can not keep beating myself up over it. I was not as bad of a person as you made me out to be, I feel it was your way to justify leaving me. You had to become angry at me to move on. I just have to move on now too.

Example: Few years ago I had a girlfriend of a few months really cared about she had some weird power over me, she broke up with me I was hurt bad. She would text me to hang out I blew her off the first couple times in the first month of the break up. Then I finally agreed to meet her a few times for a couple of weeks and asked her to be in a relationship again she said no, I told her we couldnt be friends and I needed to move on with my life. Eventually we started talking months later. Every so often I would run into her and she would text me randomly. I would say it was about a year after we broke up I met her one time and she literally jumped on me tried to kiss me and said she wants me to have sex with her. I refused to. There were several times where she tried to get back in contact with me but I turned them down. I dont know because I never followed through with it but I am POSITIVE if I wanted to get back in a relationship with her I could have. But by that point in my life I did not want her back... could have though.

I miss her so much, I can't believe what an * * * * * * * I was, It is only when I stepped back from the situation I could see my destructive pattersn. I only hope that one day she can forgive me and hopefully she at least still cares about me. That's what crushes me the most the fact that she might not even care about me. People come in and out of your life, I am sick of letting people leave my life. I guess I need to make more of an attempt to keep the people who are important in my life. I feel like I have learned so much in the past few months, but it might be a few months too late. Recently I have been doing a lot of praying. I have never been very spiritual, but right now I feel that it can't hurt.

I can't believe it has been this long since we talked, knowing we communicated almost every day for over 2 years. It is something I have a hard time and can not accept. I feel like crap, I miss her, I find doing everything as a chore EVERYTHING. I can not stop blaming myself.

I'm going to start off with a text message just asking about life, I figure I'll try that for a while and then be able to talk to her on the phone. I think I have to regain her trust instead of trying to convince her to be with me. I know she cares about me, I neglected her. The only way to un-do that if it is at all possible is to become friendly with her. Eventually she will know my intentions and then if I'm lucky she will consider. Until that point I have to change the way that I acted, I have to take an honest interest in all parts of her life, I have to make every contact with her as pleasant as possible. I have to love her 100% and not put my selfish needs (ex: I want you back!) first, at least not when we first start talking as I feel it will only push her away.

The first two weeks actually flew by, it has been the past week or so that has really dragged out. I plan on breaking my NC in about another week. Hopefully by that time my ex wont be as mad at me.