cyberex

affairs are rarely about sex...sex is usually just the end-result of it. my wife was having multi-men affairs, and in all cases (according to her anyway) it was very bad sex. the hard part for you (at least it was for me) was getting past the non-stop mental images of your partner being with someone else. this is very very very vey VERY hard! did I mention how hard that is? what it boils down to was he got lost...reading about the difficulties he was having, it is easy to see how he got on the wrong path. he needed a "self" boost, and apparently found the need to get it from someone else. now, this DOES NOT mean you are to blame, it just means you have to find your guys' center again. this takes a long time to do. my wife and I are Black Thursday + 7 months and some change and I am STILL having difficulties. in fact this past week has been the worst for me in a few months. the point is it can take YEARS to fully recover from something like this. after assurances that it is OVER between him and her, the next step is counseling. only you can say how long this needs to happen. you each may need individual counseling as well. the problem could be lifelong deep, and this could help to dig all of that out. it did for me anyway. after that time heals all...and believe me, you will need plenty of it. on the trip, go relax on your own...you have earned it. he can wait until next year. I did something similar in a Colorado spa and it worked WONDERS. you woke up this morning, so it's a good day. everything else is providence. peace... cain

"...also when you are having problems in the relationship be they emotional or sexual that the solution is not to look elsewhere for the answer..." this is a great point, and I wanted to highlight it for other people that may be reading this. this is exactly what happened in my situation...my wife did not know how to say to me "I am unhappy" and instead said it to other people. of course, men being the understanding creatures they are, well you get what happened next. this is what we figured out in counseling, that we needed to be able to communicate, and the way were doing it clearly wasn't working. this in no way means I am "laying down" for her. what it does mean is that I decided to grow up a little and start being a part of a twosome. I agree that we are social creatures meant to have sex as much as possible; however, what separates humans from the rutting beasts of the jungle is that we know when NOT to do it. it's when things get mixed up when affairs happen. I have gotten quite a few e-mails from cheaters and cheated-on from this post, and the common theme seems to be that neither party wanted it to happen in the first place. let's face it, people make mistakes. it's the ones who are able to forgive that keep relationships together. if they didn't care, then we wouldn't be sitting here talking about it, right? god bless... jason

charmed...I can certainly understand this statement, but in my situation I would have to disagree wholeheartedly. plus I would add to that by saying that is certianly not true in EVERY case. without going into a long diatribe about the whys and whos to blames, etc...suffice it to say that I fully know I am not to blame (hence "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT" statements in my original post). however, since everyone knows relationships are a two way street I will add that it works going both uphill AND downhill. while my wife was fully to blame for her own actions, I can certainly see now why she did what she did. and I will say it again, THAT DOES NOT mean I agree, condone, or even DEFEND it. I just understand the why of it...which really when you boil it all down isn't that what we cheated-on people really want to know anyway? Q: why me? why did this happen to ME? A: I was a complete idiot that did not give anything emotionally or physically to the marriage or the kids. I was the money guy. (well this is the answer in my case at least). does this mean it makes it easier to cheat? of course not. is it possible that they will cheat again? of course it is. there are many reasons why people cheat, just like there are many reasons why people take drugs, rob banks, or listen to polka music (ugh). there is no way you can sandbag a cheating spouse with "you cheated on me once, you are going to do it every day you sick F***". not only does that not mend the circle of trust that is already broken (in my case in 10 different pieces), but you are basically creating a chasm in your relationship, and YOU are the only one to blame for that. I said this before I will say it again now: if you want to stay, then STAY...but don't sabotage a potential mending simply by saying they will never change. what's the point? peace... J. Cain Cross email removed

In February, 2003, I finally gave in to the suspicions I had about my wife cheating on me, and set her up to get caught. What I found was that my loving little wife of 4 years not only had been cheating on me, but with 3 different men at the same time, one of which was an 18 year old high school student (I am 32, she is 28 years old) !!! Needless to say, I was completely devastated. In typical cheated-on fashion, I thought of many ways to "get even". Cheat myself, take the kids away from her, beat the hell out of her AND them, and the list goes on and on. It took a few weeks before I could even face the world. Once I did I made the very bad decision of telling everyone that would listen to get everyone on "my side". Plainly I was still not on even emotional ground. My roller coaster of emotions went on for another two months, where I swung from practically begging her to stay with me to being so pissed off I was scaring myself even. Pain, agony, despair, that crushing "I am alone" feeling. Yeah, I felt them, same as you. Sometimes so bad I literally could not function. First I read "After the Affair". Can't remember the name of the author but REALLY GOOD BOOK! Stop reading this, go to Barnes and Noble, and BUY THIS BOOK!!! Then come back and read this again. Finally I decided that I really needed to get some help in the form of counseling. Having been the typical man all my life, where I didn't need help, was too stubborn to get it, never had time, etc, this was a very hard thing for me to do. Once I finally did start going to counseling, I learned things about myself, my past, my family history, etc, that made it very clear that I was in fact a very difficult person to live with and be around. I can only imagine how hard it is to be married to me. HOWEVER, A CHEATING SPOUSE IS __NOT__ YOUR FAULT. Circle, underline, and highlight this 3 times, class. Counseling made me reach inside myself and clean house. And I am oh so glad I did. I haven't been this relaxed in my entire life. The bonus? My wife and I worked things out, and we are truly HAPPY. I still have days where I am incredibly sad and I sometimes say things I don't really mean; what can I say, I am human, and I survived a very harsh period of time because of her actions. Luckily she went to counseling as well and learned that she is just going to have to accept these times, and after time it will all get better for the both of us. The best advice I can give beyond counseling is remember that you truly are not alone, and there are reasons why this happened to you, and you had a role in this too. NEVER ever blame yourself, your spouse did this thing, NOT YOU! But if you truly want to stay, now would be a good time to find your role, learn, and make change. Some would say couple counseling would be the best way to go, but in my case individual counseling was much more effective. When we tried couples, all I could do was blame and yell and scream, and that got us nowhere. But, your mileage may vary. Nobody ever said marriages (or relationships in general) are easy...but I think everyone can agree that it's worth it if you did it in the first place. Infidelity is one of those weird "glad it happened even though it hurt like hell" scenarios. Think of it not as "that b*stard/b*tch cheated on me"...rather, think of it as a wake-up call, and now it's time to go to work. Hope this helps...feel free to e-mail me if you want some help getting in the right direction. Good Luck, and God Bless! J. Cain Cross email removed